Ugh. What to do? (MW/OB situation)

[homemademom]

I had a bad homebirth experience with my last baby. I haven't talked much about it because, to many people around me, that would be confirmation that hb is unsafe. Truth is, the mw did some very unethical, dangerous things. And then she went and moved away (all without making provisions for my 6 wk follow up visit).

Anyway, I was pretty traumatized by the birth, but since I was done with babies, I just let it go. Now, I'm unexpectedly pregnant and really, REALLY nervous. I don't trust myself to make a decision about a care provider. The mw came highly recommended by people I knew and had a good reputation among acquaintances. I just feel so paralyzed. How do I choose and know for certain the mw will be respectful and capable??

Also, I know that the mws in this area all know each other, so I feel weird about discussing the experience with my former mw with any prospective mws. Will they think I'm lying? Will they think I'm a troublemaker?

I actually had a first appt with a highly recommended OB in town. He's very naturally minded and I really like him, but I can't escape the fact that the hospital is SO much different than home (I've had 3 homebirths and 1 homebirth transfer late in pregnancy). Though I like him personally, and feel that he would respect my wishes (he even does waterbirths), the whole hospital complex with its protocols and policies. . . ugh!

I just don't know what to do. I don't trust myself to make this decision and I'm really at an impasse. Advice?

[Mother in Mercy]

Oh that is really tough. I'm so sorry for your last experience! I am going through the same trouble right now, since I'm pregnant with #2 and had a less-than-wonderful birth center experience with #1 nearby and it seems to be the only place that does waterbirths in the area.
My first thought for you is that there might be a birth center you could look into?
Thought 2: The fact that the OB does waterbirths is amazing -- that is good that the situation with him looks so positive, even if it is in a hospital. So that is something good to keep open to.
Thought 3: Interview a couple of mws in the area and test them out for "in with the in-crowd"-ness ... Bring up your experience and see if they totally write off your concerns and automatically defend the mw or if they are open-minded. OR - bring up the scenario you went through as a "what would you do if..." question and see if they would do the same as the last MW or if they have a good response. Then maybe you could test the waters for telling them how your last birth went, and how you feel about what the mw did.

I know how you feel about doubting your own judgment, that's exactly how I feel! There are so many things to consider and even when you've considered them all something else entirely could happen ... BUT, with 4 births and most of them homebirths, you've got a great track record so far!! Don't let one bad experience scare you too badly. Birth is still a beautiful, miraculous event, and the baby coming out is the best miracle of all! A bad experience can't change that. Good luck and don't let the worry get to you! Just remember the joy

[AlexisT]

I would keep seeing the OB for now and interview the other local MWs. This way your options are open.

I would definitely discuss your concerns with the MWs you interview and see how they react--see if they are open or if they get defensive.

Just because the MWs know each other, it doesn't automatically follow that they think everyone else is a fabulous midwife. They may not feel able to publicly criticize their colleagues, but it doesn't mean they agree with everything they do.

[chellebee]

I was in a very similar sitiuation. I had care with mw's that pretty much everyone in this tight-knit community raves about (and I had even seen them in action and they did a great job with other moms), but my experience was rave-worthy in a different way.

I was able to find someone else myself. Recommendations aren't meaning much to me at this point! I guess for me it was that I needed to learn that I know what I need best. When we interviewed the midwife it was a no brainer that she was what we were looking for. Others we talked to I still felt 'off' about, even though everything they were saying was OK.

I do still feel like nobody believes me if I say what happened, so I for the most part keep quiet and focus on other aspects of the change (from multiple midwives to one, etc) that benefitted me if people ask. Sometimes I wonder if I am viewed as a troublemaker, but I think those who truly know me know that I am not.

HTH somehow.

[homebirthing]

I am really sorry that you had a bad birth experience. You said that you have had three homebirths previous, was that in a different state or just with different midwives? Could you hire one of those again?

If you decide to interview midwives in your area, be sure to bring up what happened that you want to avoid. Ask what they would do in that situation. Ask about their own personal experiences with that same situation. Draw on the good births that you had.
Or freestanding birth centers are an option if you have those. You might find though, that having birthed at home so much, getting in the car and going somewhere in labor isn't going to work for you!

You should see the OB, but really think about interviewing the midwives. You can always continue to stay with the OB and interviewing is free! And I know that here in Minnesota, we have so many different kinds of homebirth midwives, that what works for one family, might not work for the other. So interview a couple in your area. And FWIW...there are sometimes crappy midwives. It does happen, and it really sucks that it happened to you. I am really sorry that you had a bad experience.

Sarah (homebirther and apprenticing midwife~so I might be biased!)

[homemademom]

Thank you all so much. It really makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone. In answer to some of the questions, there aren't any birth centers in my area, unfortunately. Also, the MWs I've had before were in another state. Oh how I wish I could rehire them!

But I think I will interview mws again. I interviewed 3 with my last baby, so I can at least cross those three off my list. I've found one that looks promising so I think I will set up an appt to talk to her.

And to Mother in Mercy and chellebelle, I'm sorry you both had negative experiences, too. I really appreciate your comments.

[chellebee]

Good luck interviewing! It is awesome that you have an OB backup who does waterbirth, but I hope you find something just perfect for you.