Babysitter did WHAT? How do I proceed?

[MommatoAandA]

I recently have started working the 3-11 shift and hired a family friend (she is a little sister of a friend I grew up with) she is 19 years old. At first everything seemed ok. My kids are 1 and 3. my 3 year old seems to like her. The baby is very close to her mommy and daddy. She definitely likes my other sitter that I use sometimes though and my mom. Her reactions to my family friend sitter lately have been a little weird. Really crying when I am leaving. I got the feeling my sitter prefers my 3 year old. My sitter has cancelled randomly with stupid excuses twice and since the last time I really was questioning her sitting for a few reasons (cancelling and my 1 year old and a gut feeling). Lately both my kids are having a hard time sleeping. My 3 year old has been wanting to sleep on our floor when she has always slept in her room in her bed, the 1 year old has always fallen asleep on her own, no crying. Lately both of them are off. Really scared at sleep time even when me or DP are here.

So today I am getting my groceries out of the car and my neighbor comes over to tell me what she saw my sitter do the other day. So my newly potty learned 3 year old tells her she needs to go inside and pee, the sitter is telling her no, standing in front of the door and refusing to let her in telling her they are staying outside. My 3 year old is screaming so loud my neighbor comes outside and makes sure she is hearing correctly. YUP, she makes my 3 year old pee outside (not a problem if its an accident or she wants to, sometimes we let it go) but she really was mean. Making me question, if this is going on outside where ppl can hear (family owned and lived in apartment, close neighbors) what is she doing inside???? OMG. Obviously I am not going to use her again, but do I confront her? Do I say something? WWYD?

[earthmama369]

I would want to talk to the neighbor and get more of the story, if possible -- if she's heard anything on other days, etc. I'm not a confrontational person at all, but yeah, after that, I would confront her. She needs to know exactly why she's being fired. At 19, she may be on a steep learning curve for some reason and just not at all know how to handle young children. And she should know that so she doesn't take another job working with small children for a long, long time. (I'm NOT saying her actions are ok by any means! Just that she may be on the extreme end of clueless and getting called on her actions will make it harder for her to continue this pattern of behavior.) I would also put the word out to any friends or neighbors looking for a sitter to avoid her.

[MommatoAandA]

She watches her sisters 3 kids, overnights and everything. I am going to ask my sister in law upstairs if she ever heard anything, the neighbor said that was all she saw. But DD2's bedtime is 7 and regardless of what time DP comes home the baby is asleep, 5, 5:15, 6 whatever she is asleep. I think she is letting her CIO and that makes me sick. UGH I'm afraid to tell her because I might lose it and tell her off and say some mean things. I mean DD can do the potty thing alone and even let herself back out when she is done, she just cannot open the screen door. How lazy and controlling can you possibly be? She was standing IN FRONT of the door and not letting her in. We had 100 degree days last week. She was probably hot and tired. UGH I AM SO P*SSED

[earthmama369]

Mama, it's ok to lose it and say some mean things in that situation. Really really. It sounds like any "mean" thing you say would be true.

[KempsMama]

Honestly between the changes in your childrens behavior and sleeping habits, the gut feeling, and the story from your neighbor, I'd find a new sitter ASAP. I wouldn't leave my children alone with her.

[MommatoAandA]

Kemp- I have another sitter I use too and honestly I will quit my job before I allow my kids to be abused. Thanks mama's.

[KempsMama]

I didn't mean to come across harsh. Just honest.

Hugs Mama.

[astra]

I would talk to the sitter, as calmly as possible, and try to figure out exactly what was going on outside. It sounds so bizarre, that she would encourage your 3 year old to pee out side. Did you ask your 3 year old about it? I would for sure look for a new sitter, but I'd also try to figure out what was going on when the neighbor came over.

[MommatoAandA]

Kemp- OH NO! YOU DIDN'T AT ALL! I was just stating that I would never ever leave them with her again (actually I had planned to not use her again prior to this neighbor telling me this). I'm just so sad for my kids. I mean this was my ultimate fear about going back to work. It essentially took me 3 years and now this. Reaffirming my concerns. It's like, why be cruel when you can be gentle? It's harder to be cruel. I shudder to think what this was like for them.

[MommatoAandA]

Astra- thats what weirds me out. Like why would you stand in front of the door rather than just let the kid in? It is weird and just creepy. I asked Abrielle and she said B was mean to her and made her pee outside eventhough she asked to go potty inside and then said she was sorry for peeing outside. Making me feel worse. It sounds like my sitter is just not liking my kids or unhappy and needs the money as it is her only job.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

Mama, it's ok to lose it and say some mean things in that situation. Really really. It sounds like any "mean" thing you say would be true.

That is what I would do. What she did borders on abuse. Refusing to let a child use the bathroom and making them wet themselves is humiliating and abusive. I would not be nice about telling her she shouldn't have anything to do with kids.

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

Mama, it's ok to lose it and say some mean things in that situation. Really really. It sounds like any "mean" thing you say would be true.

[lilmom]

Oh I would be livid! And heartbroken too.

Yes, I think you should definitely tell her off. She has no business being around little ones.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

Mama, it's ok to lose it and say some mean things in that situation. Really really. It sounds like any "mean" thing you say would be true.

Yes. But start off nice and let her dig her own hole. E.g. "Do you have any problem with the baby not falling asleep?" and then lay into her when she says "oh, no, she just cries for x minutes and then gives up" or whatever.

[Arduinna]

Knowing me, I'd have lost it the minute the neighbor told me and called her and told her off right then. There is just no excuse for what she did.

[Momma Moo Martin]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

Knowing me, I'd have lost it the minute the neighbor told me and called her and told her off right then. There is just no excuse for what she did.

You don't have to be cruel but you certainly have every right to tell her that her behavior is completely unacceptable for any child and that she is never to come near your babies again.

[Angela512]

What she did is not "bordering" on abusive...it IS abusive.

And if this happened one time, your kids would have probably not changed their habits.

I would go over to the girl's house and confront her face to face. You can read someone so much better by body language than by on the phone. I would also tell her parents why she is being fired.

Wow...so sorry this happened.

[Joyster]

Originally Posted by KempsMama

Honestly between the changes in your childrens behavior and sleeping habits, the gut feeling, and the story from your neighbor, I'd find a new sitter ASAP. I wouldn't leave my children alone with her.

Yeah, my Spidey Sense isn't happy with this one either. I expect some change for the first few weeks or so, but coupled with your neighbour's story, I think I'd fire her.

[momasana]

That is really strange behavior. Like others have mentioned, I would talk to the neighbor to get the full story and ask your DD about the incident (and any other incidents) and then confront the babysitter.

[MommatoAandA]

I have talked to the neighbor at length and she told me the whole situation and that was it (it's bad enough).

I did talk to DD and ask her if B was mean to her and she said no, then yes, then no again. I asked her if she let Anna cry at bedtime and she said yes. I SPECIFICALLY told her we DO NOT allow them to CIO. She knew and this is ridiculous. If she was not ok with it, just quit. WTF.

I am trying to just focus on the kids. I told Abrielle Miss B is never coming back and she proceeded to cuddle with me for a half hour then fall asleep in HER bed and sleep through the night in there. YEAH. She was SCARED. UGH

Meanwhile, my DP is livid (not at me) wants me to quit my job, which is not the answer for us right now. I am going to try to get by with my mom and the sitter I currently have as backup and then hopefully when my LPN starts in Jan I can just go Per Diem at work. Most likely I will be SAH again in a year or so (we are TTC#3).

She doesn't live with her parents, but with her fiance. Her mom is a really good friend of ours and I am afraid that if I see her/them out, I might lose it.

I decided for now, not to call my sitter. If she lies I will flip and right now I just need to calm down a bit.