Babysitter did WHAT? How do I proceed? - Page 2

[bebebradford]

Originally Posted by MommatoAandA

I have talked to the neighbor at length and she told me the whole situation and that was it (it's bad enough).

I did talk to DD and ask her if B was mean to her and she said no, then yes, then no again. I asked her if she let Anna cry at bedtime and she said yes. I SPECIFICALLY told her we DO NOT allow them to CIO. She knew and this is ridiculous. If she was not ok with it, just quit. WTF.

I am trying to just focus on the kids. I told Abrielle Miss B is never coming back and she proceeded to cuddle with me for a half hour then fall asleep in HER bed and sleep through the night in there. YEAH. She was SCARED. UGH

Meanwhile, my DP is livid (not at me) wants me to quit my job, which is not the answer for us right now. I am going to try to get by with my mom and the sitter I currently have as backup and then hopefully when my LPN starts in Jan I can just go Per Diem at work. Most likely I will be SAH again in a year or so (we are TTC#3).

She doesn't live with her parents, but with her fiance. Her mom is a really good friend of ours and I am afraid that if I see her/them out, I might lose it.

I decided for now, not to call my sitter. If she lies I will flip and right now I just need to calm down a bit.

That stinks momma. I'd be upset too.. very much so, BUT you really need to talk to the sitter first. I know that my three year old, while very smart, tells me things that are actually the opposite of what happened. She may not be laying down to sleep and crying the whole time.. She could have woke up and cried, and your little heard it.. etc. There are too many things that could be happening. Also, as for not letting your daughter in for the restroom.. maybe your daughter had been playing around and asking repeatedly. Maybe she had just let your daughter potty, or she'd already been in several times-mine do that. Sometimes they just want to check out the bathroom. Either way, talk to her.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Yes. But start off nice and let her dig her own hole. E.g. "Do you have any problem with the baby not falling asleep?" and then lay into her when she says "oh, no, she just cries for x minutes and then gives up" or whatever.

Why play games like this?

OP, be direct and honest. "My neighbor informed me that you have not been allowing my children to go into the house to use the bathroom. That is abusive and unnecessary. I also suspect that you have left the baby to cry to fall asleep. While that may be acceptible in some families, it is not in ours, and you should NEVER assume what a family wants in that regard. You should always ask. I will no longer be calling you to babysit, and will not provide a reference for you. I hope that you take this as a learning experience, I am very disappointed in your behavior."

[ThisCat]

Originally Posted by bebebradford

Also, as for not letting your daughter in for the restroom.. maybe your daughter had been playing around and asking repeatedly. Maybe she had just let your daughter potty, or she'd already been in several times-mine do that. Sometimes they just want to check out the bathroom.

None of that would be a valid excuse for not allowing a recently potty trained three year old access to the bathroom even when she's screaming so loud the neighbors come out of their houses and then making her do her business outside. There were days early on in potty training when my daughter had to go to the bathroom over and over. I cannot imagine telling her no. I know this girl is 19, but seriously, that's just ridiculous. I was a young babysitter too once, and I can't imagine doing anything like that.

[bebebradford]

Originally Posted by ThisCat

None of that would be a valid excuse for not allowing a recently potty trained three year old access to the bathroom even when she's screaming so loud the neighbors come out of their houses and then making her do her business outside. There were days early on in potty training when my daughter had to go to the bathroom over and over. I cannot imagine telling her no. I know this girl is 19, but seriously, that's just ridiculous. I was a young babysitter too once, and I can't imagine doing anything like that.

You do have a point, I missed the part where they have just potty trained her. I just know that my son tells me he has to use the restroom many times a day, and he runs in there and starts playing. lol.. I was just thinking maybe it could have been something similar. Regardless, she needs to talk to the sitter. I wouldn't use the sitter again, but I would def talk to her and hear both sides. Besides, in this case, wouldn't it be awesome if it was a big misunderstanding? I would so much rather find out I was WRONG about details in a matter like this, than to find out I was right about abuse.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by bebebradford

You do have a point, I missed the part where they have just potty trained her. I just know that my son tells me he has to use the restroom many times a day, and he runs in there and starts playing. lol.. I was just thinking maybe it could have been something similar. Regardless, she needs to talk to the sitter. I wouldn't use the sitter again, but I would def talk to her and hear both sides. Besides, in this case, wouldn't it be awesome if it was a big misunderstanding? I would so much rather find out I was WRONG about details in a matter like this, than to find out I was right about abuse.

Even if the sitter says it was something like that, there's no reassurance. That could just mean the sitter knows her behaviour is out of line, and it trying to cover her butt. Honestly, the story from the neighbour, combined with the OP's gut feeling that something was wrong, and the changed behaviour from her kids sounds/looks pretty convincing to me.

Even if the sitter does say that the OP's dd was asking and asking or something, the OP isn't going to feel any better, and probably isn't going to believe it. Intellectually, I can see the value in getting both sides, but I raelly don't think it's going to matter in this case.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Why play games like this?

To allow her to have a reasonable story if she does happen to be innocent without giving her an opening to just lie if she's guilty. Basically, I assume that if she is abusive, she'll also be deceptive. A flat out confrontation is more likely to lead to simple denials and it'd be harder to tell if she's denying it because she had done nothing, or if she were denying it because she was caught.

I posted before seeing the update where the OP's dd confirmed the neighbor's report though.

[lilyka]

She is 19 and probaby does not have a lot of experiance with kids but probably thinks she knows quite a lot. I say this as the worst most arrogant babysitter in the world when I was 19 and childless. chances are she just really doesn't get it.a fussing baby may not be the same thing as a crying baby to her. but it could well be to you or your dd. Some people really do not want kids running in and out of the house especially if it is air conditioned and would prefer they pee outside. this coud just be a clash of values. differing definitions and different expectations.

I would give her a chance to explain how things are going. Just ask her "how do you feel things are going? have there been things that were more challeneging than you expected? " it is not a game. it is a chance for her to be honest. Then once you have heard her out ask her about specific things. "3yo says the baby cries hersef to sleep. Have you found putting her to bed difficult? how did you handle that? then move on to "the neighbor said dd was forced to pee in the yard and dd confirmed this story. Can you explain what happened there?" Then I would calmly explain to her that you clearly do not see eye to eye on things and because of that she cannot continue to babysit for you. It really could be that you guys define cry it out differently. or that she just doesn't get it somehow. no need to go crazy on her if that is the case. On the other hand if she getss defensive and starts blaming the kids or calls you a bad mom and starts tewlling you how she could whip your kids into shape....then go crazy on her. a mistake is one thing, being clueless does not equal mean or cruel. being an intentional jerk is something else all together.

[peainthepod]

I would absolutely not let her near my children again and her explanations would be essentially worthless to me, no matter how convincing she made them sound. That your 3yo was scared to sleep in her own bed just hurts my heart. I'm so sorry, mama.

And while what your neighbor witnessed could have been a simple misunderstanding, I can't really see what there was to misunderstand. To be honest, it sounds like sadism, which is a common trait of child abusers.

So sorry you and your family went through this. I can't imagine having to see this person again; I would simply not be able to be civil or hold my tongue. And you know, some situations merit an impolite reaction or even a good old-fashioned dressing down. This is one of them.

Hugs to you and your little ones.

[gbailey]

OP,sorry you and your girls had to experience this.