OMG - Insane tantrums - help!

[New_Natural_Mom]

My normally SUPER SWEET 28 month old DS is having major meltdowns. constantly. At dinner we will start to eat. He will either eat or not, but often throws his utensils, food, or spits it on the floor. (Usually when he doesn't like the food.) He goes into screaming crying fits - that can last a LONG time when he doesn't get what he wants - then fixates on what he can't have. Like he will want to go outside and play - when it is dark out. Or he won't want to take a bath or brush his teeth. The teeth thing is a big deal because he has a lot of plaque and the DR keeps chastising me. We have to hold him down every night to do even the slightest brushing.

We will tell him that we can't do that but we can do something else and he will melt down. Sorry this is so disjointed. He is screaming for me while DH tries to give him a bath. It is so exhausting!!! It's like every day he has multiple meltdowns and usually the only thing to calm him (unless the rare distraction works) is to nurse. When he cries he won't use any words to communicate his feelings. We try to give him words to choose from and it doesn't help.

How long does this phase last????? I thought things were supposed to get easier during the half years and get more stressful on birthdays.

My DH is handling this not so well. He gets easily frustrated and yells which makes things worse.

Help, commiserate, or shoot me!

[gagin37]

i can commiserate, but I don't have much advice. My ds is 23 months old and we've just started dealing with tantrums. He's gotten so willful and defiant all the sudden. Most of his tantrums are related to not getting his way over something. Last night he had a big one over not being allowed to continue throwing food in the floor at dinner. This morning it was because I told him repeated to stop throwing his clean clothes in the floor. Right now when he gets really really worked up, we just have time out, usually in his room. when he's done with the fit, we make up and talk about what happened, or why he got in trouble. I try to redirect too, but it doesn't always work. It is very, very exhausting, I'm just about at the end of my rope this week (he's also not sleeping much, and wants to nurse CONSTANTLY). *twitch*

[SpottedFoxx]

What worked for us - may not work for you.

When DS would throw a tantrum (usually they were of epic proportions), we'd just join in. I would lay down on the floor next to him and start kicking and screaming and carrying on. He'd usually stop dead, watch me and crack up laughing and we'd just move on to something else. I have done this in supermarkets, my office building's lobby and in the park. The bystanders usually love it too.

Just a warning - some kids feel you are making fun of them and it doesn't go over well. My son just happens to have a twisted sense of humor like me so it goes over well.

[springmum]

My 26 month old can throw some "stage 4 nuclear" meltdowns too.

It's a constant juggle to keep him from getting overtired, too hungry, overstimulated, enough attention, enough outdoor/physical play time etc. etc.

Besides prevention, sometimes being playful helps distract. Sometimes asking him to "cool off", or take some space with mama. Sometimes identifying his reason for being upset (I see your mad b/c you couldn't....Let's do x instead)
Sometimes we just have to ride it out and be there for a hug & brief talk when he's calm again.

They've really intensified in frequency & duration the last couple of weeks. With an increase in nursing too, I'm thinking 2 year molars even though I can't see them yet. The teething drops are coming out more to try to help.

I'm looking forward to the end of this phase.

[New_Natural_Mom]

MY DH thinks it might have to do with teething too, but when we ask if his mouth hurts he says no. It is just so frustrating b/c at certain times we *know* what he wants, offer it to him, he has a major meltdown, then asks for what we just offered him. It is exhausting.

We have tried everything....tantruming too, as per pp....time-ins, redirection, distraction, prevention, you name it. I hope this is a short lived stage b/c it is super exhausting. I was starting to think about night-weaning, but nursing is one of the ONLY things that actually helps.

:

[healthy momma]

First, I must start by saying my DS (26 months) does not have major (and very few minor) tantrums. Whether this is due to anything I do or just his nature I have no idea. I am also a believer in attachment parenting and gentle discipline. Just things to keep in mind when reading my thoughts.

Toddlers are striving constantly to try to figure out the world around them. They want to be a part of it. They want to do what others around them are doing. Often they can't. The way our world is set up puts soooo many limits on young children. Think about it. They can't turn on lights when they go in a room, can't (most likely) climb into their own chair at dinner time, go to the kitchen and fix themselves a snack when they are hungry, see anything besides legs in a crowd....and a million other things in their daily life. It is frustrating. On top of that they are just getting used to big emotions like frustration, anger, fear, sadness. When those emotions arise they can be pretty overwhelming. Heck, they can be for adults. KWIM?

My belief is that toddlers don't need EXTRA limits put on them. They need as much control as they can get. If I can say YES to something my DS wants then I do. If it is dark outside and he wants to go play, I get out the headlamp and we go look for night creatures. If he doesn't want to take a bath I wipe a wet cloth over the dirtiest parts of his body while I playfully chase him around the house. I just ask myself if what he wants to do is really going to harm him in some way and if the answer is no then I go with his desires.

You mentioned holding him down to brush his teeth. Can you imagine having someone do that to you on a regular basis. How powerless would you feel? How frustrated would you be? Each parent has to choose what they feel is imperative to do for their child's health and I'm not judging. You just might want to look at it from his point of view and consider any emotional costs of this on your DS.

And even if you do give him control whenever possible there will probably still be meltdowns. Try to see them as just a beginners way of sorting out strong feelings. Let him know that expressing himself when he feels bad is okay. Give him words that he could use but don't expect him to be able to say them for quite some time. Be ready to move on with him when the storm is past.

And just so you don't get the wrong impression. DS doesn't have total control. There are definitely times when I have to say no or his needs can't be met right away and he has to wait but overall I try to allow him as much control over his life as possible.

Hope things get better soon.

[Triniity]

My son just turned two, so I am kind of where you are! He is a super cute kid, with such a supersweet smile. But his tantrums...oh my gosh. My daughter is four, an I thought that she had tantrums - but now I know REAL tantrums...

One good thing is, that my mother always told me about the tantrums my big brother used to have, he would become so angry, that he would stop breathing and pass out. So I kind of expected that, and compared with a blue and unconscious child - it´s not to bad

I believe that having tantrums is actually a good thing. Your LO shows you, that he just managed a major leap in his brain development! Isn´t that great? He starts to understand the world, and is able to understand himself a person with his own feelings, separate from mom. He starts to want something, and he gets upset if he cannot have it - his space, or things or whatever. And he is coping with the only skills he has at the moment, he is getting angry.

What we practice here is unconditional parenting, therefor I am very much into validating feelings and situations. I never leave my LO if he does experience deep feelings of any kind, because he does need someone to guide him through this. I try to validate, saying things like: You wanted to climb onto the table and play with mommy´s macbook, but you can´t. You are really angry with mommy.
He usually lets me know if this was the cause of his tantrum. I stand close by, asking him if he wants to be cuddled, or wants to be left alone (as in not touched) - and after the anger he usually gets sad and wants to be cuddled. The whole scene lasts between 10 - 20 min, very rarely longer.
If we are at a public place, I just ignore people around me I make sure he is safe and not hurting himself or somebody else, and we walk through the whole thing.

I think you are coping great! If he wants to be nursed, and cuddled, and you offer that to him: Great! I think if we (the parents) try to see the situation from their point of view, it is much easier to actually keep your calm and walk them through it.
And, as healthy momma already said, choose your battles, but you obviously decide where the limits are. Personal hygiene is something I don't discuss with my kids, I am as gentle as I can and try to invent funny games for hairwashing and teethbrushing - we have a fairy story for DD and I am singing funny songs in funny voices for DS - but especially DS sounds often as if I would wash him with boiling water .

I think this will pass as well - and by the way, my brother is such a calm person by now - you would never think he was having such bad tantrums...

Hugs,
Trin

[funfunkyfantastic]

My 22 mo dd is throwing major tantrums often. She had stopped most tantrums altogether when she was living with daddy, his girlfriend, and her two sons. But now that her dad is deployed and she's back with me she doesn't want to cooperate. Her tantrums are better than they used to be, she used to throw a tantrum for about an hour when she wasn't getting what she wanted. Wouldn't let me hold her or even touch her. I had to just set her in the middle of the room and gently direct her away from furniture or she'd bang her head against it! It was scary. I nearly broke down crying at times. Now most of her tantrums are focused around going where she doesn't wish to go. She likes to walk everywhere. I try to have her in shoes all the time when we go someplace so she can do this, otherwise she's writhing in my arms. She will bend out of my arms towards the ground and say "walk! walk! walk!" And if it's safe for her to do so i'll let her, but hold her hand. Sometimes i'm going some direction she doesn't want to go. She will pull and my hand and then sit down and throw a fit. At times it makes getting anything done exhausting. And then there's the carseat. If she doesn't want to leave, she will throw a major fit when I try to put her in the carseat. Arching back, flipping over and trying to crawl out of the seat, ugh, it's difficult. And then of course people walking by stare at you like you can't control your child. It's frustrating. And OF COURSE she was more cooperative with daddy. Probably cus she wanted to go wherever those two little boys were going. It's so frustrating cus then he uses this as part of his "case" as to why my daughter should stay with his girlfriend when I move to louisiana for a few months. She's coming with me, but he doesn't seem to get why. He thinks she'll do better in her care. ugh.

[To-Fu]

I'm reading Sleepless in America so I'm probably biased and inclined to think everything is sleep-related, but do you think your toddler is getting enough sleep every day/week? We're finding that sleep is the main causer of "misbehavior" at our house, so I thought I'd bring up the possibility.