I Know I Need to Stay, but so much negativity and stress!

[canadianhippie]

Im back home with my parents, Im not able to support myself and my baby alone, work and go to college. They been a huge help, pay for baby supplies when I was off work and help now that I am back to work. I receive no child support from my baby's dad or family, they have nothing to give but theres no court ordered child support by my choice. Im enrolled in college for sept, and my baby is babysat by my mom when Im working and when Ill be at school.

The thing is, not to sound ungrateful or intolerable, but my mom in particular is SO negative and critical. My youngest brother is living with us the last few weeks and he plays with my baby so well, hes really good with him but he is severe adhd with anger issues and is incredibly high needs (very loud, critical, defensive) and that raises the stress of everyone. I cant stand being around negative vibes and having my babe in negative environments, I decided when I was pregnant that I CAN choose what kind of life I want to live and feel I deserve to be happy almost all the time, its just about how much Im willing to put up with and what kind of people I need to be around.

I, by choice am gone most of the day. I feed babe breakfast and normally let him have his morning nap then give him a snack and head out. I go to baby activites almost everyday of the week, I walk an hour or more everyday and I work part time as well. Anything to spend as little amount of time at home as possible. I get to stressed,I think living on your own then going back with your parents just pushes your buttons. Just EVERYTHING is so negative, anything i say or mention is rebuddled with a critical comment.
For example, I told my mom I think i would like to get a mothering subscription this morning, I told her I picked up a today's parent and parents canada magazine free at the baby centre and was disappointed with the lack of compelling articles, pro-vax ad's and commercialism. I explained I dont meet moms with my ideals and its nice to be reading a magazine that makes sense to me. She proceeded to point out that Im choosing the opposite extreme end and making snippy comments about how I read all my information on the internet, I asked what extremist behaviour I exhibit, she then went on to critize my co-sleeping! She said, well in the beginning when you were nursing every 1-3 hours I understand it, but now theres no benefit, its making your life harder and asking so how does he sleep now? does he go to sleep on his own? how was last night in putting him to bed? (i was off work at 8 and spent an hour lying down and nursing to get to sleep when i asked my mom for help because I havent eaten dinner yet and hes not asleep yet, she throughly enjoys proving me that my babe can sleep in his crib all night when Im not around and he will just drift off to sleep) I have always been criticized for co sleeping, and pointed out..no, you have never agreed with it, in the beginning you said how much harder my life is going to be in getting him to sleep. I pointed out as well that i didnt co-sleep because I read an article, I did it because after nine months, Im supposed to detatch my baby and put him "over there" in a crib? It was easy, he fell asleep better, I slept better, breastfeeding was easier, I dont regret it at all, I just simply dont see another way I could have done it.

Ive also been mentioning that I would like to raise my babe and work in BC, she now makes comments about the asian gangs running rapid in Vancouver and how people cant afford to work and live there. I just cant take it, but I have to. They bicker and argue amongst each other in almost every conversation, I left an abusive relationship and severely dysfunctional family only a couple of months ago thinking this would be much better, and it is better but it is still a negative environment. I just get so stressed, so stressed by being around them. They take my baby away on weekends when Im working and am worried they argue just the same or are worse around him, I need to ask them to stop yelling and arguing around the baby and they say, we're talking not arguing. Just the criticism I receive with my baby is immense, its all these little comments that drive me crazy. Ill be getting myself something to eat and she will be like (talking to my 10 month old) ohhh, you must be starving! mummy hasnt fed you lunch yet? Oh i wonder if she's going to feed you soon. She disagrees with my anti-vax and I hear about where I cant take my son because of the risk and dont let him walk outside in the dirt because he doesnt have his tetanus shot, I hear about how he should be going to sleep, what he should be eating, When i should be cleaning up, when I should do laundry. My goodness.

The only alternative is me living on OSAP in the college town (im 40min drive from the college, and i dont have a license) Getting subsidized daycare, because I dont think my mom will drive and take him after I move out, having my own apartment etc. I wouldnt have help when I need studying etc. And id be graduating with lots of student debt, just ahhh, I hate being critized all the time, I hate having to be out all the time just to escape, I just feel like i havent quiet left the hell i was in with my baby's dad, where I need to leave the house constantly and live at his dads which was a mess just to keep my son away from stress. I truly want to leave so bad, Im am so much happier when it is just me and my baby, but I need support, i think this is just a rant

[kathymuggle]

I think you need to decide whether you can live with your parents or not. Perhaps give yourself a deadline - a few months? - and if thing have not improved, move out! Have you tried communicating with them on their negative comments?

EX - I am the mom, I think co-sleeping is the best, and I do not want to hear about it anymore?

I do not think there is anything wrong with going on welfare for a bit if you have to. I was on welfare for about 1 year 14 yrs ago - and my DH and I have since paid back that money and then some in taxes. There is no shame in it as long as you use it briefly to get on your feet.

I do not really have any issue with OSAP - as long as you know the field you are going into has good employment prospects. DH and I graduated Uni with fairly large debts and it took 10 year to pay them off. It was not a great way to start life.

As per the fathers baby - I would totally go after him for some money. So what if he is broke? So are you - and it takes 2 to make a baby!

As per BC...your mom is right that the cost of living in Vancouver is very high - but there are numerous is places to live in BC that are not Vancouver.

[AngieB]

I found with my family that there are just certain things that I can't talk to them about. If you don't want to know your mom's thoughts on a subject don't talk about it with her. Find some like minded mom friends who you can talk parent ideas with. Have you tried talking to your brother about calming down around the baby? Maybe he doesn't know what he's doing is a problem, leave your mom out of it and go directly to him. Can you set your room up so you don't have to spend a lot of time in the common living space, make a sitting area and a play spot for your ds. It sounds like for now living with your family is the best idea and they care about you and your son so trying to make it work is a good idea.

[RiverSky]

If OSAP is student housing, I say yes, go get student housing. Family housing in Canada is usually quite nice and I am sure you will love the freedom.

[Annie Mac]

Hi Canadianhippie,
You say you will be starting college in the fall but have no license. How will you get back and forth? If you lived in the college town, wouldn't you have to do the same amount of commuting anyway? I mean, provided your mom agreed to continue watching your LO then? Anyway, that's just a small point.

I totally get where you're coming from. My first is grown now, but I had her at a young age, no support from the dad, and initially lived with my parents too. I think my mom was a little less critical than yours, but still, I was so sensitive to anything she would say or do. I took everything personally. I look back now and kind of cringe in embarrassment.

I think I stayed with my parents for about 3 months before I left. I went on welfare at first. I rented a crappy, crappy apartment, the first of many substandard housing arrangements. There were mushrooms growing out the bedroom wall. No exaggeration. I worked on my college courses at home (like you, I was not living in a uni town, so there wasn't the opportunity then). When I finished those (my daughter was two), I took a student loan and moved four hours away to attend university. So no more mom help. But it's totally possible. It's just not easy. I got a daycare subsidy and piled on the debt. Mine is no rags to riches story though. I got my master's degree in English -- yay practical arts degree! I was pretty much compelled to take any job I could find right out of uni because I had a mouth to feed, and debt to service. Truth be told, I very nearly defaulted on my loans many times, and received many harassing calls from collection agencies. Not fun.

It really depends on what's important to you. It's obviously much easier to graduate without debt. And grandma is usually a preferable babysitter to a paid stranger (not always). My point is though that you do have a choice. If I were you, I would at least get my drivers license (I also got mine when I was pregnant with my first). That will afford you some degree of independence.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[kittynurse]

Can you live in mature student housing and have your babe at the on campus daycare? Most schools have plenty of on campus jobs too.

I have a huge stack of Mothering back issues and live in the same province as you. If you PM me your address I would happily mail them to you.

[Kivgaen]

I don't know if it is even possible to do what I am suggesting or not...

You seem to be fighting a lot with your mom about the small things. But what if you just left the playing field?

Usually, when people have certain expectations of others, and those expectations are not met, that is what causes us to get upset and riled up. Maybe your expectations of your family are just too high, or not very realistic, kwim?

For example, you may have the expectation that your mother will someday learn to accept that you made different choices than she did and that she will support the choices and decisions that you make as a parent and respect your right to make your own mistakes(or not!). Is that a realistic expectation for you to have of your mother?

What if your expectation of your mother was to disagree with you at every opportunity. When you expect her to make these kinds of comments, when she does say something, it won't feel so much like a violation. You know she isn't doing it deliberately to spite you, I'm sure her intentions are good, she only wants what is best for you and her grandchildren. Instead of getting upset because she violated you in her disagreement or lack of respect for your choices, you could just remember to yourself that that's just how she is! Instead of arguing with her, you can choose to leave the playing field. It's hard to pick a fight with someone who isn't there (I'm speaking metaphorically). If you just said "yes, I know you disagree with my choices, but I love you anyway", and left it at that... would she still go on about stuff?

[canadianhippie]

Thank you all for giving me such great points of view.

Kivgaen, I think thats a decent approach. I moved with my son's dad thinking it would be amazing, it wasnt, I moved back home thinking my life would be less stressful, and its not. I might have been setting myself up for dissapointment. I dont want to necessarily expect her to be so critical, I feel thats negative living, but to expect her not to agree with my parenting choices because they are different than hers, makes sense. I think she feels offended that Im not raising my babe like she raised us, (im not that far off though!)

Kittynurse, I wouldnt be crazy about living in student housing, im not sure they have designated mature student residence. I cant find information on a daycare on the college website..werid. I would love to have your backissues, omg, thank you..ill msg you!

Annie Mac, I live in a rural farm community and there is no public transit in my area, so it is a 40min drive to college, however in the college town there is public transit so getting around isnt a problem, even if i have to pop in a cab, it wouldnt be too expensive. I want to get my license, Ive been saving my money for tutition as well as buying baby supplies and its $120, i think thats silly expensive for a piece of paper, Ive lived in cities so I never had a problem taking the bus/train/subway instead of forking out money for a car, insurance, gas, repairs but you need one in a rural community! In two years, I need to switch to a Toronto university to finish up and will be having to get full osap then and move out. But saving two years of debt is obviously very appealing. I know it wouldnt be easy at all, you went through quite alot. I much rather have my mom with him, he's still young, I dont want him institutionalized yet! :P

Riversky, OSAP is student loans from the government, I am working with my parents to pay for tuition on our own (hopefully), so i dont need it for the next two years, I will for the 3 years after that

Angie B, i think i do just need to keep my mouth shut about certain topics with her, its hard though, I mean im a open book and shes my mom. My brother has trouble relating his actions to consequences so he doesnt pick out that his behavior is inappropriate very well, I do work on it. Before he even sat down for dinner last night he was complaining about his serving size and how it was cooked (this is an every night occurance) so i quickly, and bluntly said how Im not having another dinner with complaining and bickering around my baby, etc. And he complained about how i talked to him like that and things but he stopped for the dinner, that was good. he is 4 years older than me and getting offended when i point out things. My room is a good size, but i have a crib, double bed, dresser,rocking chair and laundry baskets so it doesnt leave much room for play, i have a toy basket up there but he doesnt stay entertained in there very well

Kathymuggle, I had to go on welfare when i moved in with my son's dad, and i hated it so much, its not very much at all, but I would be getting osap, which is more than welfare. I made a decision, and consulted a lawyer 3 weeks after my son's birth, that i wouldnt be giving his dad any rights to my babe. He wasnt there at all for the pregnancy, was sleeping around, wasnt there for the labour, was put in jail 3 times in the first 6 months of my babe's life, he doesnt deserve it. Even if he doesnt pay anything, I have to give him rights to see the child. My baby has my last name and his dad isnt on the birth certificate, the dad hasnt bothered me about seeing him, never did so Im letting it alone for right now. The lawyer made the point that its not greedy, that in the future when I get wind that he's working again, I can file for support then. Right now,it would just be a process of court visits.


The decision would be either have more money to payoff and less support for getting study/homework time or less debt and free child care. It silly to move out of the benefits of staying at home, I would rather be happy though!

[Kivgaen]

Originally Posted by canadianhippie

to expect her not to agree with my parenting choices because they are different than hers, makes sense. I think she feels offended that Im not raising my babe like she raised us, (im not that far off though!)

Exactly! And it probably can't hurt to point that out to her... (You might not say EXACTLY this, but I said something like this to my mother and it seemed to help with our relationship: "Mom, I know you only want what's best for me and your grandchildren, but you have to understand that I'm a mother now and I need to make my own choices and decisions as a parent. I'm sure you didn't do everything exactly the same way that your mother did, you took the advice she gave you, information from other parents around you, doctors, books, etc., and from all of that information, you chose the course of action that you felt was the right thing to do. I do appreciate your experience and knowledge, but I need to be able to do things my way and learn from my own mistakes. If I make choices that didn't work out as I had expected, then so be it -- I'm willing to accept those consequences and learn from my mistakes... But after I have made a decision, I would like for you to try to respect my choice, even if I choose something that you believe is not the the best option."

[SuzyLee]

To some extent you just have to grow a thicker skin. Honestly your baby will be fine even if he spends time around people who are bickering!

I am not saying the criticism is ok, but I would try your best to just let it roll off you. The fact that you get out of the house most of the time is awesome. Of course when you are home it is the end of the day and everyone is cranky, so it is the worst time to be together! Oh well though- you gotta just get through it.

But seriously- this time will end, and you will move away, and you will look back with nostalgia and wish your mom was living with you again, and helping out, and you weren't all alone with a beligerent toddler! So try to enjoy the positives now, and just let all the negative things go!