The "I struggle with my pre-teen" support thread - Page 2

[NaturalMamma]

Originally Posted by JellyMomma

Up until the age of 10, my parenting was very instinctive and I just "got it". After that I had no clue how to handle my suddenly nasty, moody, mean little girl.

Isn't that interesting...I have felt the same way.

[kewb]

I'll join in. I have a 12 year old ds and an 1o year old dd. Some days I don't know where these children came from. My 12 year old is full of drama. No one ever talks about boy drama. All I ever heard was how much easier boys are then girls. Bull. He is an emotional roller coaster. Plus, these past few months, every time I turn around the boy is lying around listening to music. Not that I object to listening to music but it is all he does. If he is not doing that he is bugging me for video game time. If I ask him to do something, like his chores, you would think I asked him to give up a limb.

My daughter is very strong willed and has her own opinions and is very vocal about them. I know these are qualities that will serve her well as an adult but couldn't she just listen to me and be that way with everyone else? She is fiercely independent (always has been) but she is in one of those "I know everything" stages and anything I say is instantly dismissed or not listened to at all.

My mother just laughs when I tell her stuff.

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by kewb

I'll join in. I have a 12 year old ds and an 1o year old dd. Some days I don't know where these children came from. My 12 year old is full of drama. No one ever talks about boy drama.

Boy drama-- o.m.g. YES! Upthread I posted how my 9-1/2yo boy is SUCH a drama king. Drives me batty. Everything's a tragic show. Everything's something to whine and complain about. He can't do anything. He's incapable. Everything's too hard, or impossible, or hurts, or is too much work. Remind me to drag out my mini-violin

every time I turn around the boy is lying around listening to music. Not that I object to listening to music but it is all he does. If he is not doing that he is bugging me for video game time. If I ask him to do something, like his chores, you would think I asked him to give up a limb.

Yep. Mine's is the Nintendo DS. I give him unlimited, but if it gets in my way or keeps him from responsibilities, or he gets snarky because of it, out it goes. For 24 hours. If he sasses again over that, it's another 24. I have stopped being a pansy-arse about it. I don't negotiate.

My mother just laughs when I tell her stuff.

I bet! Which is why I don't vent at mine *sigh* How I wish I could, but unfortunately, parenting is a pay-it-forward deal. That's why I love you mamas

[mamamillet]

10 yo ds and I have been driving each other crazy these last 6 months. I have lost my temper and yelled more than i would like to admit. I hate what our relationship has become. Hate it. It makes me so sad. Sad for him and me both.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by mamamillet

10 yo ds and I have been driving each other crazy these last 6 months. I have lost my temper and yelled more than i would like to admit. I hate what our relationship has become. Hate it. It makes me so sad. Sad for him and me both.

That is sad

Here are a few general ideas to try:

1. more one on one time. Preferably doing something you both enjoy - if you cannot find anything, something he enjoys.

2. Giving him more freedom. Often kids rebel because they see our rules as groundless - let some go and show you trust him to handle himself

3. Do not engage in fights if at all possible. Leave the room, call time out, or if it really is non-negotiable, tell him the topic is closed and he needs to stop arguing or he is going to his room.

4. Is he over or under stimulated? Not that this is an excuse for bad behaviour - but being bored or stress can bring out the worst in us.

[Linda on the move]

Conversation during *Family Fun Time* (which was spent hiking in the mountains on a trail DH and I did last week without the kids)

DH: Girls, you are gonna love this. This is most likely the most beautiful trail you'll ever see.

DD1 : I doubt that. I plan to do a lot of hiking when I grow up, without you guys.

DD2: But this is special because we are doing it as a FAMILY!

DD1: You say that like it's a good thing. I just wanna go back to bed.

We woke them at the horrid hour of 9:00 a.am. Aren't we the meanest parents ever?

[madeirameg]

I think one thing that's important to remember about his age in particular (especially with girls) is that these snarky, argumentative things they say are partially born from the need to be their own person, "breaking free" as it may be and the other half (maybe three-quarters...who knows) is HORMONES! Imagine (or remember) what it's like to be PMSing 24 hours a day for years...that's how I remember those years!

[bestjob]

"Get out of my life, but first can you take Cheryl and me to the mall" is by Anthony Wolfe (Wolf?) I haven't read the entire book, but his column in the Globe and Mail is terrific.

A friend once told me that much of anger is a response to being disappointed. Since hearing that, I have often wondered if the disappointment I feel is because the situation didn't measure up to my standards or to my kids' standards.

But I agree that it is hard to deal with the snarkiness and occasionally I will speak to my kids about "vocabulary choice" and "tone of voice". Yes, just like they are the little kids they still really are.

[chrfath]

subbing...my 12yo DS is driving me batty most of the time. He is horrible with his younger siblings..not always but enough to oooohhhh he makes me so mad.

I just requested the Uncommon sense book from the library.

I think one of my biggest struggles is having such big gaps between the kids. DD and DS2 are pretty close developmentally then there is DS1 left all alone and not getting to do all the cool stuff he thinks everyone else gets to do. Somedays I wonder if it wouldn't be better for him to go off to school.

[2timestrouble]

I so agree with you! I haven't read all the answers but I totally will, maybe someone have find the secret, lol.
I don't have an older then 14 so I am hoping you are right in that one and I only have 2 more years of confusing, lol.
But my 12 year old sometimes gets me crazy. What happen to my sweet daughter?
Ok, so she always have been a little lazy on the chores side, but this last year I have the drama fact, the weird changes of temper, the "I am too old" next to the "I am just a kid", I could go on and on.
For the past year I have try to get a different approach with my teen, I just got me 2 books about parenting a teen, I have make more call to my mom then ever before, etc.
Sometimes I really don't like her and I feel bad about it but can't help, but the funiest things of all is that, when I think that in just 6 years she will be out for collage (maybe, I think that after all I wish she stays in a close Collage), then I think is so little time I have left and then things seam less hard...for a couple minutes.
I am so glad is not only me, that I read other moms and make me feel I am normal and my crazy teen is as normal as any of the others.

[bestjob]

This is a bit off the topic, but may have some resonance. A friend said once that her daughter sometimes spoke as if the mum was "the village idiot".

That made me laugh, but it also gave me a bit of strength because I realized that the children are working with a very limited amount of information. They might think we're idiots, but we're really just trying to help them see how the world of adults really works.

I hope I usually do this introduction kindly. I have to admit that sometimes I'm not so sure that I'm any better than someone addressing the other village idiot.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by chrfath

subbing...my 12yo DS is driving me batty most of the time. He is horrible with his younger siblings..not always but enough to oooohhhh he makes me so mad.

This is our biggest issue with my pre-teen.

I have been trying hard to stay out of it - and that has sort of been working. I found my getting involved escalates things and causes middle DD to turn her frustration on me and accusations of choosing sides.