Giving parenting compliments without being condescending

[just_lily]

A couple of weeks ago a woman in our church was telling a story about when her oldest son was an infant and she was shopping in the grocery store. Another lady from the church that she didn't know very well came up to her and told her what a fantastic job she was doing with him, and commented on how well he was growing.

Unknown to the lady, the woman telling the story was suffering from PPD at the time and having a really hard go of it. Having a relative stranger tell her that she was doing a great job gave her a huge boost and helped pull her out of her darkness. She cried as she told the story.

I think that is amazing, and I want to be that person for other new moms. Or even seasoned moms who may be having a rough time. All moms. And dads. There are so many posts on here about strangers saying awful things, and I want to do the opposite.

Problem is that I don't know what to say, without coming across as a condescending busy body.

Does anyone have any ideas? What could a relative stranger say to you in order to make your day??

[Joyster]

When I give compliments, I try to make them as lighthearted as possible. I once saw a mom with five kids in the parking lot going shopping. They were all walking safely and while she looked pooped, she still walked with a smile. I saluted her and said "Hats off to you mom!" and she started cracking up. If it's someone who's looking really upset or down or tired, I might say something empathizing with her situation (cause we've all been there) and try to reassure her in some way. It's tough, because you never know someone's state of mind. Sometimes even just a smile can work wonders.

[tanyam926]

The other day I was at the copy store w/my 3 boys and an employee told me that I am so patient w/my children and how she wished her own mother was as patient as I am.

It made me feel so good bc I sometimes feel like people are looking at me and my high energy kids in a neg way. My boys are well behaved most of the time but they love to look at, touch, comment on, ask questions about EVERYTHING and it's really exhausting.

So I say if your comments are short and sweet, and genuinely sincere, then they won't be taken the wrong way.

I would say something like, "What a happy baby, you must be such a great mom!" or "You do such a great job w/so many kiddos running around".

I get positive comments, much more than neg ones, and I really do appreciate them, especially when I'm not having a great day or am feeling really frazzled in the moment.

[BeanyMama]

I love it when strangers tell me nice things about my parenting. I'm so incredibly shy that paying it forward is tough for me, though. DH and I were just talking about the importance of telling people how you feel last night. So I have no advice for you, but for this thread.

[mrspineau]

I have had lots of strangers say things like, "you're little boy seems like such a happy little child!" and that makes my day. I don't think that there are many compliments that I would take as condescending. And I wouldn't think you a busy body either if you were saying something nice.

[lalemma]

When my baby was very new, two ladies came up to me in restaurants and told me that it was so great that I was nursing him and that they had nursed their own babies.

I really liked that! I was going to nurse - and nurse in public as needed - anyway, but it was nice to hear from more experienced mamas that it was an okay choice. It made me feel less self-conscious!

[hergrace]

I get a lot of comments from, strangers - fewer now that the triplets are 3, but still a lot. What drives me crazy are the generic: "Wow, your hands are full" and "you must be supermom" kinds of comments. I respond positively to specific comments about my kids as they are and to remarks about something specific the person has seen me do. And, sometimes, my annoyance is subtle. If someone tells me I am brave for taking all 4 of my kids with me to the grocery store or the doctor's office, I get annoyed because those are chores that need to be done. However, if they smile and tell me I'm brave to take them to a toy store, I'm likely to smile back and say "or crazy" and it's a good moment.

Things people have said recently that made my day: A woman commented on my patience after she saw me handle two of the kids melting down at the same time; a librarian commented that it was great to see me teaching them how to use the library and check out books on their own cards when it would be easier for me to just check books out for them. I've been called a trooper for taking the kids for an overnight camping trip.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by tanyam926

So I say if your comments are short and sweet, and genuinely sincere, then they won't be taken the wrong way.

This.

Though it also depends on where the mother is at. When my DS was born, I had severe PTSD. Only a week or two after birth one of the nurses from the hospital saw me in the grocery store and said hello. I guess she wanted to know how I was doing, but at that point I was just a zombie in shock and could not even respond. But I think if it had happened a few months later, I could have seen it as a positive experience.

As a pp mentioned, I liked when BF my DD out in public and people said short, small things, or just smiled.

[texmati]

I dunno. I was really sensitive during the pp period (and for a while afterword!) I try to give generic commetns-- "you look like you've got this mama stuff down!", "your baby is so gorgeous!" and of course "you look great!"

[meemee]

its something i do all the time.

with everybody. not just parents.

the hey is not WHAT but how.

and the moment too. not when they are overwhelmed with their their kids.

sometimes all you need is a look or a smile.

and yes the key is - genuinely from the heart.

however i must say i am shy around strangers. and horrible at small talk. i learnt from my uber social dd who was communicating from infancy.

you also have to keep in mind, you DONT make everybody's day. not everyone is open to comments. for whatever reasons.

what i try to stay away from is generic comments. i try to find something directly personal to them.

what i really wait for is the feeling to appear in my heart. and then i find the words.

i remember this one time we were on this 3 hour flight with a horrific family of 3 demanding or misbehaving kids. dd 2 months old was fast asleep most of the time. and i could see when i was getting off they were going to continue on.

i just could not stop myself to go over to that mom and tell her how much i admire her patience, that she never once raised her voice - that she was such a great mentor to look up to. i told her when my dd got to be her kids ages, i hope i could maintain her calmness. i mean yeah she didnt raise her voice, but she was totally frazzled. by her reaction i know i made her day. i could visibly see her body language change from utter defeat to perkiness.

[isign]

I have 2 toddlers that I attempted one day to (stupidly) take to the grocery store. #1 was hitting, biting and pulling hair, #2 I sat on the handle, my arms around her as she sobbed. I was just needing to pick up milk & lunch and all they wanted to do was kill each other. An older man walked past me and told me how blessed I was. It was such a breath of fresh air.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by mrspineau

I have had lots of strangers say things like, "you're little boy seems like such a happy little child!" and that makes my day. I don't think that there are many compliments that I would take as condescending. And I wouldn't think you a busy body either if you were saying something nice.

I really like this or something like it. I tend to say things like, "She's adorable!" or "what pretty eyes." But really, although that might make a mom feel good, it doesn't reflect on HER as much as genetics! But let's be honest, we all feel slightly responsible for our children's happiness, so if someone said my kid looked like a happy little boy....well, that would me ME feel good about my parenting.

[GoBecGo]

I always take the shock at my DD1 being 4 (in manner and appearance she can easily pass for 6) as a compliment.

When i see a mama nip i make a point to give her a warm smile and a "good for you!"

[rightkindofme]

I try really hard to give women positive feedback when they are out and about with kids. People seem to by and large really appreciate it. I saw one woman at the grocery store with three kids who were... not being angels... and I smiled at her in a sympathetic sort of way and said, "Some days are harder than others, but you can do it!" She smiled and thanked me. I always tell women who are NIP that I love seeing other women nursing too! They usually grin. I only once had someone look kind of nervous, I left her alone quickly.

I think the best thing anyone has ever said to me was when I was in a public restroom with my two year old daughter while we were on a road trip. I was narrating everything we had to do and why and then when she grabbed the plunger uke I told her we had to go wash our hands because there are germs on that we don't want to take with us... etc. (I'm kind of long-winded.) A woman came out of a stall and said, "I hear women and their kids interact all day long every day. I don't think I have ever heard a mother pay as much attention to their child and give their child as much respect as you do. Good job." Then she marched out. It was awesome.

[Smokering]

I always want to pass on encouragement when I see a young mother or young pregnant woman (I was 20 when I got pregnant with DD, had her at 21 - not super-young, but young enough I feel much younger than the 35-year-old mums, you know?). I'm not sure how to do it without seeming condescending, though. I usually settle for giving vague, affable smiles or occasionally making a cute-baby comment.

DD gets HEAPS of comments when we go out, but they usually fall into three categories:

- Awwww, isn't she cute (or specific mentions of her hair or eyes)
- I like seeing a little girl who looks like a little girl (usually by older men or women when DD wears a dress, which she does by no means 100% of the time, and not because I feel it is a moral imperative, but hey, she does look cute in dresses!)
- Isn't she smart/verbal/well-behaved.

She doesn't get "well-behaved" as often as "cute". I'm always pleased to hear the comments, but I don't really consider them compliments to me except for the well-behaved one (which, really, is as much about her personality as my parenting). I got the odd kudo for NIP though when she was younger, which was really nice as a new mum.

[VillageMom6]

Oh, you've got me crying in remembrance of the sweetest thing ever...

When my first four children were all little, we were eating dinner at a Perkins. I was overwhelmed and suffering from PPD and I noticed this older couple staring at us throughout the meal.

They would look at us and whisper to each other. Gosh darn it, couldn't they just leave us alone?! I knew that we had a lot of children and we were an oddity. But QUIT STARING!

They finished their dinner and got up to leave. To my horror, I realized that they were going to stop by our table. OMG, they were going to say something mean-spirited, I just knew it.

Sure enough, they stopped at our table. The wife handed me a paper rose that she had fashioned out of a napkin. I can't even remember exactly what she said, but it was something kind about my family... how she had had four children, too.

This was ten years ago. I still have that paper rose. And I pray for that precious woman frequently. Her words... whatever they were... boosted my spirits when I was feeling overwhelmed.

If one act of supreme kindness could be enough to get a person into Heaven, I beg the Lord to let her paper rose cover any sins she may have commited.

[Tjej]

Whenever someone gives me a random compliment the first thing I think of is that I must look really exhausted and/or my kids must seem like an uber-handful!

BUT, anyway, I do feel good when people I know say something good about my kids behavior or about how we interact (how I parent them).

I don't actually like strangers throwing their judgements on me. Strangers saying my kids are cute are fine, I guess, but I generally like it more if a person is just friendly, says "Hi" or talks about whatever we are doing "oh, did you notice the guacamole is on sale?" type stuff. Random person telling me I am a good person or not isn't particularly helpful or depressing, friend doing the same I take to heart.

I guess I did have one stranger tell me the other day that I must be doing a good job with my kids and my kids are good kids because whenever she sees them they are listening well and behaving nicely. She is a neighbor of my parents and has seen the kids from afar a number of times, so while she isn't someone we KNOW it did feel like a kind observation on her part.

Tjej

VillageMom6 - That is a very sweet story. How kind of them.

[MichelleS]

I get a lot of compliments from older people - anywhere from "You've truly been blessed" to "It's obvious that you're a wonderful parent; your children are so happy."

I'm an older-ish mom - 37 with two little ones, and I have never interpreted any comment I've gotten as condescending. I give compliments too, since I know how it can really make your day - but I never say anything generic.

I think the fact that you're concerned about potentially coming across as condescending almost guarantees for certain that you won't.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by meemee

sometimes all you need is a look or a smile.

This is what I do. Especially when the parent in question is getting nasty stares from OTHER people.

[nextcommercial]

How nice.

It's slightly different. But, one day, this little baby toddled up to me at a sunday school performance, and kept putting her hand on my knee, and trying to woo me with her charm. She was as bald as a beach ball. But, had a giant hair bow GLUED to her big bald head.

She put her hand up to her bow and the glue kinda stuck to her fingers, and her bow started to fall off. I tried to help put it back on the same spot, but it kept tipping.

So, I said "Well, you have the most beautiful head anyway... God didn't cover it up with hair because it's so perfect!" She just beamed at me. In a heart melting smile, and tried to sit in my lap. I had NO idea where this baby's parents were. So, I was thinking "Oh, these people are going to think I'm trying to steal her".

Turned out they were behind me, and her mom started to cry. Apparently, the little girl had just finished her last round of Chemo, and Mom had been extremely depressed about the baby's hair. (or lack thereof) At first I was mortified and SOOO devastated that I had said that. But, later she told me it was the most perfect thing. She needed to hear that exact thing at that exact moment.

I still think it was an odd thing for me to say, but I guess it helped.