Unsuccessful VBAC feelings

[Ms. B. Sprout]

I tried really, really hard to VBAC with #2, but it didn't happen. Hard long labor, malpositioned baby, repeat section -- heartbreaking.

Two and a half years later, part of my problem with even talking about my "failed" VBAC and repeat c/s is a feeling that I will be judged.

I feel like I have to go through the whole long story before I can even speak about it. Like I have to convince people that I tried hard and did everything "right" before they will lend me an understanding ear.

I just feel so defensive. It's a difficult feeling. And it really limits conversation.

And it's why I hardly ever post about birth on MDC.

I just really needed to get that off my chest. Please be gentle.

[justKate]

NO JUDGEMENT HERE. I try to limit myself to the VBAC threads because sometimes I feel judged elsewhere. I'm sorry that you've been made to feel that way too.

We need to try to remember that although there are many things about a birth that can be controlled, there are no guarantees that the outcome will be what you plan. We women need to be gentler with each other, I think.

ETA more

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Thanks, mama.

Sometimes I feel like an insecure child, being so worried about what others think. And then that makes me feel even worse.

I am posting this partly in an effort to let go of my self-imposed silence about birth on MDC. In my town's natural birthing community (& ICAN meetings), I think it's pretty much understood that I did the very best I could under difficult circumstances.

But here . . . I feel like a loser.

Now I'm planning another VBAC and need to let this go. I will take any words of wisdom from you mamas.

[courtenay_e]

I am really sorry that you feel that way, and hope that the birth boards at MDC can feel like a safer place for you soon! I know that the VBAC board tries to foster a feeling of "you can do it, but if you don't we know that you tried your hardest!" so I am glad that you posted. All you can do is educate yourself, be well, and put yourself in the best situation as far as care providers and birth space...and then trust that you have done your best! (((HUGS))) Please DO participate here!

[First Time Mama]

I am so sorry, and I understand how you can feel the way you do. I have had 1 c/s and am planning for my first vbac. I tried really, really hard to have a homebirth with my son, and made informed, educated choices that I think most of the time would end in a vaginal birth, but didn't for me. I am so sorry you feel judged, after my son was born I couldn't post on the birth section of MDC for quite a while, and the Healing from Birth Trauma section didn't even exist. I was glad when that was created. And if this birth doesn't end in a vbac I know I will have a lot of hard feelings to deal with, but I will try my hardest again, and that is all I can do. There really isn't control in birth, and that can be hard and scary to accept.

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Thanks, courtenay & FirstTimeMama!

After my "failed" VBAC in 2008, Healing Birth Trauma was the first MDC birth board that I could really read posts on without feeling awful. I agree, FirstTimeMama, thank goodness for that board!

I spent 2007 reading basically every post in this VBAC forum, but I didn't post here because I wasn't homebirthing. HBAC is illegal in my state and I did not want to risk my wonderful midwife's license with an under-the-table. I figured that meant to the frequent posters in '07 I wasn't "trying my hardest" or setting up optimal conditions.

I read often in '07 posts of mothers being urged to UBAC instead of going to the hospital if they couldn't HBAC with a midwife. UBAC is way beyond my comfort zone! I just felt like I did not belong on this board. I also felt like it was my fault that I failed, because I did not go for an illegal HBAC, even though my midwife (who was my doula for my hospital VBAC attempt) said I would have been a transfer & c/s if I had been a homebirth client of hers.

I really, really appreciate y'all's kind words. It makes me feel much better! Maybe there is a place for me here.

[justKate]

Sorry to keep posting, but I think this is really important to acknowledge. There was a great thread here a while back about how c-sections fit into the NCB framework, and there are a lot of really valuable things said there, if you have time to read through it. There is also a lot of emotion there, and I think it really illustrates the importance of acknowledging all of the emotions that come out of the birth experience, good and bad.

Originally Posted by Ms. B. Sprout

I figured that meant to the frequent posters in '07 I wasn't "trying my hardest" or setting up optimal conditions.

I read often in '07 posts of mothers being urged to UBAC instead of going to the hospital if they couldn't HBAC with a midwife. UBAC is way beyond my comfort zone! I just felt like I did not belong on this board. I also felt like it was my fault that I failed, because I did not go for an illegal HBAC, even though my midwife (who was my doula for my hospital VBAC attempt) said I would have been a transfer & c/s if I had been a homebirth client of hers.

IKWYM about "trying your hardest" and "optimal conditions." But you, like everyone else, make the best choices you can for YOUR family. When DD was born I lived on an island 4 hours from a birth center or midwife that would attend a homebirth. I wasn't comfortable with a UC. My midwife was the crunchiest person I've met in my life, and we cried together when she told me that the baby wasn't doing well and she was going to call the doctor. Don't listen to anyone who makes you feel bad about your choices.
We DO belong here.

[kltroy]

I think a lot of moms feel this way when it doesn't work. I see them all the time at our local ICAN meetings and what makes me very sad is when mothers who had been coming to the meetings and were well supported, stop coming after their VBAC ended up a CBAC. (so this is my personal plug for getting yourself to an ICAN meeting). I think this is really too bad for 2 reasons: first, when mothers who are planning a VBAC only hear about successful VBAC attempts, they feel more like a failure when it doesn't work for them -- so by sharing your story with other women you can really help people understand that sometimes it doesn't work, despite stacking all the cards in your favor. Imagine if you'd heard that from another woman first hand - you'd probably feel a little more OK about your own birth. The second reason I think sharing your birth story with others who have been there/done that is that it can help you come to terms with it. The mission of ICAN is not only to encourage and support VBAC, but also to help with c-section recovery and emotional healing.

I think the key to coming to terms with a birth that didn't end up how you'd hoped is to talk about it a lot, write your birth story down. This will help you realize that YOU made the best decisions that you could with the information you had at the time. At the end of the day, birth is unpredictable and all you can do is play the odds.

I do hope you find some peace with your second birth before the end of this pregnancy. Sometimes it helps to simply do something different this time around -- different hospital, care provider, approach to dealing with labor, etc. Tell yourself this is a NEW pregnancy, and a NEW chance.

ETA: I now see your mention of your local ICAN meetings so you cna probably disregard that part of this post. Don't forget that there are a lot of overlaps between rl and MDC, and while occasionally posts come off as judgmental, it's rarely intended that way. (simply a reflection of the fact that it's the internet and you can't convey tone of voice and emotion very well)

[AustinMom]

Even with the best team of Midwives, obstetricians, Doulas, nurses and the most educated couple, some times birth still ends up being a cesarean birth. And that is OKAY. I think most women are judgmental over UNNECESSARY CS, that's not really okay either, but IMO, if you are getting a CS done because your Dr. is on vacation the following week, you had a previous one, your baby is looking to be 'big' (especially measuring around 8lbs), you just don't want to labor, etc, yes, I have to admit, I do judge those women.

I think a woman's worst critic is herself. Especially a mom. We are REALLY REALLY hard on ourselves A LOT of times, and for only the reason that we have these crazy looney pre-conceived notions that others judge us, when really, most moms don't care and really would just give you a hug.

For women who birth is important to (and probably others), processing birth is big deal, especially a VBAC. Your birth becomes part of your life and your motherhood, and it's important that we only leave feeling empowered by the experience, regardless of which method they came from us to us in. Knowing that you and your birth team did everything in their power to give you the best out come possible is where to start, and I'm pretty sure it's sounding like that is what happened.

PM me if you need anything! Much Love to you.

[keeptryst]

Going off on a slight tangent here, but have you ever considered that the children born to us are equal participants in their birth, in that they choose the way they arrive in this world? That could be one of the intangible factors that place birth out of anyone's control. Here are a couple of great blog posts that touch upon this:

http://intentionalbirth.wordpress.co...to-be-perfect/

and

http://leighsteele.wordpress.com/200...f-kaias-birth/

Considering this angle of it definitely eases the way we process the birth.

[soccerchic21]

I think what is most important is that you did try for a VBAC instead of scheduling a repeat cesarean. There is a lot of bravery in that.

Would it help if you say "I don't want to be judged because I did try".?

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Awww, you mamas are great!

Lots to think about in your posts. Thanks so much to all of you. I may have time to post some more thoughts later.

[jen6]

Hi Ms. B. Sprout-

I sympathize with what you are feeling and am trying to break my own self-imposed silence. I disappeared from the board after my VBAC to a large degree because rightly or wrongly I felt like I would be judged and also because my story is kind of scary.

Some quick thoughts on the fly.........Having "failed" at my VBAC, and I am saying that tongue and cheek, I still struggle with the feelings that come up 4 years later. I guess the best analogy I can come up with that has worked for me is swimming the English Channel. Some people who swim get sunny skies and calm waters, others get the storm of the century and a leg cramp at the worst possible time. So who "tried" harder? The swimmer who gets the storm gets to talk about it proudly, gets applauded for overcoming the challenge, doesn't feel shame, etc. I find the emergency c-sections judgments horrific. No one wants to hear my birth story. Another bad analogy----going to war. Some people get thrown into the Normandy landing, some people get to march into Paris during liberation. Same purpose, totally different experience to deal with. I find it is also hard to talk about a VBAC with other people without being judged as crazy for trying. I had a uterine rupture during the VBAC, came close to losing my son and my uterus, and got yelled at by the crazy OB because HE was freaked out. And you know what, I would do it again, only this time I would know more and be able to make even more informed decisions. THAT'S YOU! You know so much more this time, and you will try as hard, and do fabulously. JUST LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! You survived and thrived and are willing to face the challenges to have a third child. I hope you will be swimming on a sunny day, : )! You can do it!

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Originally Posted by jen6

Hi Ms. B. Sprout-

I sympathize with what you are feeling and am trying to break my own self-imposed silence. I disappeared from the board after my VBAC to a large degree because rightly or wrongly I felt like I would be judged and also because my story is kind of scary.

Some quick thoughts on the fly.........Having "failed" at my VBAC, and I am saying that tongue and cheek, I still struggle with the feelings that come up 4 years later. I guess the best analogy I can come up with that has worked for me is swimming the English Channel. Some people who swim get sunny skies and calm waters, others get the storm of the century and a leg cramp at the worst possible time. So who "tried" harder? The swimmer who gets the storm gets to talk about it proudly, gets applauded for overcoming the challenge, doesn't feel shame, etc. I find the emergency c-sections judgments horrific. No one wants to hear my birth story. Another bad analogy----going to war. Some people get thrown into the Normandy landing, some people get to march into Paris during liberation. Same purpose, totally different experience to deal with. I find it is also hard to talk about a VBAC with other people without being judged as crazy for trying. I had a uterine rupture during the VBAC, came close to losing my son and my uterus, and got yelled at by the crazy OB because HE was freaked out. And you know what, I would do it again, only this time I would know more and be able to make even more informed decisions. THAT'S YOU! You know so much more this time, and you will try as hard, and do fabulously. JUST LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! You survived and thrived and are willing to face the challenges to have a third child. I hope you will be swimming on a sunny day, : )! You can do it!

Oh, mama! I'm so sorry about your rupture and your crazy birthing experience.

Thank you for your post.

I SO hear you that nobody wants to hear my birth story. It's very difficult to find the person and the time to talk without fear, guilt, or judgment entering the conversation. A natural birther is difficult to talk to; likewise, a medicalized/mainstream birther is difficult to talk to for totally different reasons that you mentioned in your post.

Thank you for breaking your silence to post here. It makes me feel sooo much better that there are other folks like me out there. It's lonely being in the "failed" VBAC club.

And thanks for the encouragement! I actually feel really optimistic about my chances this time! Though I must say, I have let go of a lot of expectations about birthing and controlling outcomes.

[claudi81]

I am right there with you I had a CBAC (failed VBAC) the only reason I had not gotten my VBAC was because I was 41 weeks and no labor in sight plus hypertension, they would not induce and so to the OR we went...Is it anybodys business to judge us, our birth or what we went though?? No, it is not initianally those forums were created so mothers can support each other in every way possible not to turn it into a "birth competition" mother can be so critical to one another I realize it all the time and I can only tell you never shy away from something you have done so bravely and greatly!! You birthed your child on way or the other and have done what it takes have it vaginally. I wish you best of luck for you next birth I will be facing a VBA2C and hope we both get the birth we want and deserve...

Also I like to mention in gerneral that I find to many moms blame or criticize other for not attempting a HBAC as this is the only real chance to win...I know that HB may be great and right for some people but not everybody is comfortable with it or their husbands as well...moms deciding to birth at a hospital should receive the same amount of support. I wish moms can just be a bit more easy on each other and I hope you feel good about your decision to talk to us now ..I am glad you did

[TanyaS]

Up late and saw this in new posts. mama.

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Thanks for the support, Claudia!

Thanks for the hug, Tanya!

[Juvysen]

I know mamas that had multiple successful vaginal births and one of their later births was a cesarean... sometimes they really are necessary, you know? I agree w/pp who said there's a place for cesarean birth in the natural birth paradigm. I mean, my homebirth midwife has a cesarean rate, too... just because you do everything "right" doesn't guarantee anything, it just increases your odds.

[HeatherB]

I felt like that after my c/s. I had friends having home births, and here I did *everything* I could to have a natural birth (in a hospital, with a not-so-great OB, without a professional doula, though with a friend who has doula'd for others), and yet ended up with a c/s. It was entirely unnecessary in my case, and I would've been far better off at home (where I've stayed for birth since). But I always felt like I had to explain the WHOLE story - the super long labor, the drug-free labor, the excellent way I coped even when stuck in transition, what a good start I gave him by having all the hormones and all that good stuff, etc., etc. etc. And then I might, maybe, kinda, be able to admit that, despite my very best efforts and the best use of the knowledge I had at the time, I had a c/s.

I'm sure the feelings are similar, if not even harder, when you've been through a c/s AND worked so hard for a VBAC.

[Xerxella]

Originally Posted by jen6

Hi Ms. B. Sprout-

I sympathize with what you are feeling and am trying to break my own self-imposed silence. I disappeared from the board after my VBAC to a large degree because rightly or wrongly I felt like I would be judged and also because my story is kind of scary.

Some quick thoughts on the fly.........Having "failed" at my VBAC, and I am saying that tongue and cheek, I still struggle with the feelings that come up 4 years later. I guess the best analogy I can come up with that has worked for me is swimming the English Channel. Some people who swim get sunny skies and calm waters, others get the storm of the century and a leg cramp at the worst possible time. So who "tried" harder? The swimmer who gets the storm gets to talk about it proudly, gets applauded for overcoming the challenge, doesn't feel shame, etc. I find the emergency c-sections judgments horrific. No one wants to hear my birth story. Another bad analogy----going to war. Some people get thrown into the Normandy landing, some people get to march into Paris during liberation. Same purpose, totally different experience to deal with. I find it is also hard to talk about a VBAC with other people without being judged as crazy for trying. I had a uterine rupture during the VBAC, came close to losing my son and my uterus, and got yelled at by the crazy OB because HE was freaked out. And you know what, I would do it again, only this time I would know more and be able to make even more informed decisions. THAT'S YOU! You know so much more this time, and you will try as hard, and do fabulously. JUST LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! You survived and thrived and are willing to face the challenges to have a third child. I hope you will be swimming on a sunny day, : )! You can do it!

Wow! This really hit me. I've always been unhappy about my failed VBAC. I've felt like a failure myself. (What kind of woman can't bring her own child into this world?)

So here's to hoping for a VBA2C when the time comes around. Maybe my 1st 2 really did want to come into the world via a cut in my abdomen. Maybe, I just can't birth my own children.

But, maybe the next time I go to swim the English channel, I'll have sunny skies, a tail wind and the tide at my back. Hopefully, so will you!