Unsuccessful VBAC feelings - Page 2

[texmati]

Originally Posted by jen6

Hi Ms. B. Sprout-

I sympathize with what you are feeling and am trying to break my own self-imposed silence. I disappeared from the board after my VBAC to a large degree because rightly or wrongly I felt like I would be judged and also because my story is kind of scary.

Some quick thoughts on the fly.........Having "failed" at my VBAC, and I am saying that tongue and cheek, I still struggle with the feelings that come up 4 years later. I guess the best analogy I can come up with that has worked for me is swimming the English Channel. Some people who swim get sunny skies and calm waters, others get the storm of the century and a leg cramp at the worst possible time. So who "tried" harder? The swimmer who gets the storm gets to talk about it proudly, gets applauded for overcoming the challenge, doesn't feel shame, etc. I find the emergency c-sections judgments horrific. No one wants to hear my birth story. Another bad analogy----going to war. Some people get thrown into the Normandy landing, some people get to march into Paris during liberation. Same purpose, totally different experience to deal with. I find it is also hard to talk about a VBAC with other people without being judged as crazy for trying. I had a uterine rupture during the VBAC, came close to losing my son and my uterus, and got yelled at by the crazy OB because HE was freaked out. And you know what, I would do it again, only this time I would know more and be able to make even more informed decisions. THAT'S YOU! You know so much more this time, and you will try as hard, and do fabulously. JUST LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! You survived and thrived and are willing to face the challenges to have a third child. I hope you will be swimming on a sunny day, : )! You can do it!

Thank you so much for this wonderful post.

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Well, I just want to say thank you to all the posters in this thread. I feel so much better about things now than I did a few months ago -- due to a combination of a friend's VBAC making me think about things, ICAN meetings, IRL conversations, and posting here.

Still working on it, but definitely better now! I look forward to posting on this board more in the future.

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by Ms. B. Sprout

Well, I just want to say thank you to all the posters in this thread. I feel so much better about things now than I did a few months ago -- due to a combination of a friend's VBAC making me think about things, ICAN meetings, IRL conversations, and posting here.

Still working on it, but definitely better now! I look forward to posting on this board more in the future.

I'm so glad we were all able to help you through this part of your journey!

[courtenay_e]

Originally Posted by Ms. B. Sprout

Thanks, courtenay & FirstTimeMama!

I read often in '07 posts of mothers being urged to UBAC instead of going to the hospital if they couldn't HBAC with a midwife. UBAC is way beyond my comfort zone! I just felt like I did not belong on this board. I also felt like it was my fault that I failed, because I did not go for an illegal HBAC, even though my midwife (who was my doula for my hospital VBAC attempt) said I would have been a transfer & c/s if I had been a homebirth client of hers.

I really, really appreciate y'all's kind words. It makes me feel much better! Maybe there is a place for me here.

Sister, UBAC is beyond MY comfort zone, and I'm in the business of homebirth! I am completely with you on that one.

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Originally Posted by courtenay_e

Sister, UBAC is beyond MY comfort zone, and I'm in the business of homebirth! I am completely with you on that one.

Ha! That makes me feel better. Thank you.

Well, you can probably appreciate the position I'm in. HBAC is illegal in my state, and if I was to HYPOTHETICALLY have an under-the-table HBAC attended by a HYPOTHETICAL midwife, I would be risking her license if something horrible happened.

There are times that with my birth history, I just feel like certainly something horrible is going to happen. And then other times I just feel great and optimistic about HBAC: each birth is different, I've exhausted my bad luck (as a friend of mine said to me the other day), the odds are good, et cetera et cetera.

I would just feel awful if *I* was the woman that F-ed things up for the midwives in my state.

So I am turning all of this over and over in my mind.

Obviously this merits its own thread.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by keeptryst

Going off on a slight tangent here, but have you ever considered that the children born to us are equal participants in their birth, in that they choose the way they arrive in this world? That could be one of the intangible factors that place birth out of anyone's control.

I've often wondered this. When I labored with DD, I had the distinct feeling that she was not ready. Nothing physically wrong, she just didn't want to come out yet.

[tarama]

Originally Posted by Ms. B. Sprout

I really, really appreciate y'all's kind words. It makes me feel much better! Maybe there is a place for me here.

If there was ever a place for Ms. B. Sprout, it is in the VBAC thread (ok, the traditional foods board might contest that). I'm lucky to know her IRL and I can attest that she knows more about birth in all its forms than 99 percent of the population.

Her counsel, support and love helped me VBAC a few months ago. It is such a mental undertaking and she was one of a few people in my life who knew what was going on in my head. During my labor I thought of her several times and how strong and amazing she was to labor for so long.

With one in three women getting a c-section now, there should be no tolerance in these threads for judgment of someone's birth history. If we ever want to change this statistic it will be critical that we bring up VBAC rates. As many of you know, that will never happen if women are judged poorly for having had a c-section, whether they made herculean efforts to have a natural birth or they marched into L&D and demanded an epidural.

It is my earnest hope that the amazing Ms. B. Sprout returns to this board to share her experience and knowledge with the mamas seeking VBAC help.

I'm so encouraged to see all the sweet mamas supporting her VBA2C and am looking forward to her and DH getting this little bean started so we can shower her with love and support till she can't stand it anymore!

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Originally Posted by tarama

If there was ever a place for Ms. B. Sprout, it is in the VBAC thread (ok, the traditional foods board might contest that). I'm lucky to know her IRL and I can attest that she knows more about birth in all its forms than 99 percent of the population.

Her counsel, support and love helped me VBAC a few months ago. It is such a mental undertaking and she was one of a few people in my life who knew what was going on in my head. During my labor I thought of her several times and how strong and amazing she was to labor for so long.

With one in three women getting a c-section now, there should be no tolerance in these threads for judgment of someone's birth history. If we ever want to change this statistic it will be critical that we bring up VBAC rates. As many of you know, that will never happen if women are judged poorly for having had a c-section, whether they made herculean efforts to have a natural birth or they marched into L&D and demanded an epidural.

It is my earnest hope that the amazing Ms. B. Sprout returns to this board to share her experience and knowledge with the mamas seeking VBAC help.

I'm so encouraged to see all the sweet mamas supporting her VBA2C and am looking forward to her and DH getting this little bean started so we can shower her with love and support till she can't stand it anymore!

Thank you mama!

[catemom]

Hey Ms. Sprout!

Just thought I'd add my own .02. I planned an HBAC with my last pregnancy, did *everything* right to assure my success. I still ended up being induced and much later sectioned in a hospital. You know what, I am glad I had the opportunity to experience a full somewhat natural labor. Yes, I'm so sad that I didn't get to hold that brand new baby right away, but honestly, I can't complain that much, things could be far worse. I'm at peace with what happened and refuse to torture myself about it. The way my children come into the world do not dictate who I am. *Hugs*, Ms. Sprout, and take comfort in your healthy family!

[Friday13th]

i'm currently working on dealing with the aftermath of an unsuccessful HBAC. I'm only 6 weeks pp so this is all fairly new and this post might be a rambly mess.
I did everything "right", I had a fabulous midwife who does a ton of VBACs, we had a plan of attack, I labored fine and quickly compared to my first, we were totally aware of the baby's position (OP the first time around) and for some reason baby couldn't handle the pushing.

I feel like we tried everything and I've had moments of "what if.." but I do logically know we did everything we could, unlike the first time around. So I've been stuck in this "why me?" rut that's hard to talk myself out of. But my DH pointed out that it's ridiculous to think I could will my labor and birth to be a certain way and that you do everything you can but sometimes it's out of your hands. And that is mind-blowing to me, I was and am certain that my first section was because of some bad decisions made, based on bad advice we recieved so I was positive if I just made the right decisions and had the right support this time that it would be fine. And it wasn't.

And so I'm left disappointed, but not traumatized and trying to reconcile something that was outside my control with all the "take control of your birth" stuff I've always heard and believed. And I'm a control freak so this is a huge mental obstacle that I'm sure I'll be stuck dealing with for quite sometime to come.

Sorry this was so long and completely without advice but I haven't really written any of this out before and I'm glad to see others struggling with the same feelings.

[Ms. B. Sprout]

Originally Posted by Friday13th

Sorry this was so long and completely without advice but I haven't really written any of this out before and I'm glad to see others struggling with the same feelings.

No need to be sorry or to render advice!!

It's so good to read about other folks who have had similar experiences. Thank you for posting -- reading your story helps me, too!

And catemom, I am very glad you are handling things so well. I am, indeed, very grateful to have a happy, healthy family. I am also, simultaneously, working through my feelings about my birth experiences.