Overnight visitation supplies question.

[hillymum]

Things have taken a huge turn for the worse. EPO's applied for and declined! Will update on that later. For now I need to know if I need to pack stuff other than clothes for the boys to stay with their father overnight. This weekend he can have them from Friday morning until Sunday 5pm. Should I pack toothbrushes, toothpaste and pullups or is he now responsible for buying those items. I'm thinking he needs a set at his place. Thoughts?
Thanks!

[StephandOwen]

He needs to buy whatever supplies he needs for his parenting time. *If* (and that's a huge if) ex ever gets ds overnight you can bet he'll need to provide everything for ds. I will provide ds's inhaler and epi-pen in case of emergency. Ex can provide everything else.

[simplemama32]

Yes, he needs to have his own supplies at his place, but if this is the first overnight, I'd go ahead and pack anything your kids might need. And then mention that he should plan to have the items himself by the next overnight visit.

[violet_]

You just need to pack clothes -- he needs to get everything else. Depending on your relationship with him, you might give him a heads-up to buy those things. You could tell him what size pull-ups and that sort of thing. Otherwise he may not know what your son needs.

[MariesMama]

Speaking from experience both as a child of divorced parents (who co-parented fairly effectively) and as a single mom, kids can generally go back and forth with the clothes on their back.

Seasonal clothes/sports uniforms should go with the child if they're going to be necessary, such as a swimsuit or snowsuit, as it doesn't make sense for both sets of parents to buy them. IIRC that is pretty much the only thing that I used to bring back and forth, unless there was something in particular that I wanted.

If you are sending kids over in nice clothes and keep getting them back in junk, the easiest solution is to just send them back in the junk next time, and also to put YOUR initials on the nice clothes, to avoid arguments.

Toiletries and diapers/pullups do not need to go back and forth. Prescription medication or medication that is taken regularly should.

Good luck!

[Learning_Mum]

When the boys first started going to their Dad's for the weekend I packed clothes, shoes, nappies, bottles, toothbrushes etc.

Their Dad bought nappies, toothbrushes and formula for them after a couple of weeks and I would just send clothes, shoes and jackets, raincoats etc if the weather called for them. He did have a couple of t-shirts, pants etc at his place but not enough for a whole weekend. He also had and medicine they might need like Pamol, Nurofen, cough medicine, nose spray etc and when DS1 developed asthma I got an extra inhaler and spacer for his house.

[JBaxter]

I never sent anything but lovey's ( both boys had a blanket) and anything special like a video game. He is responsible for tooth brushes, car seats, pull ups, cloths.

[blessedwithboys]

where i live, it is mandated that the PRP send everything needed to get the child through the weekend: clothes, shoes, diapers, medications, etc. the other parent supplies food (except for my xh...but thats a whole other story LOL)

[VocalMinority]

You're not wrong to send what you know your kid needs.

But when my ex and I split up, he assumed I'd send along everything he needed for our 2-year-old twins, but I figured: He decided life would be better separate from me - and that meant not only getting away from the things he didn't like about me, or the things he felt I didn't do well, but also forgoing all the things he enjoyed about me and the things I did take care of, for him. Many of those things I was pretty sure he never noticed or thought about, so I had a little pleasure at the idea of him discovering how much work (and shopping!) was involved in taking care of two special-needs toddlers... that, in fact, it ISN'T "just sitting around on your a** all day, not working"!

But I digress. Although my ex felt I was just being spiteful and my mother thought I was absolutely monstruous and neglecting my children, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me. He was also their parent. He wanted to parent separately. Why was I neglectful, if I expected him to go buy diapers and changes of clothes, the same way I did?

And now, 13 years later, I think it was essential! It helped us clearly define that our lives had truly become separate. I did not feel resentful that he was using me for those wifely services that remained convenient (the details of childcare), while he lived in his own, private, peaceful bachelor pad and dated whomever he wanted. And he learned to parent his children independently, as a single father should be competent to do. We became comfortable and confident in our separate lives and the fact that we're each responsible for our kids during our time - and now that that is defined, we can relax the rules and help each other out with things, when needed, without getting hung up on who owes what to whom, or whether someone's not pulling their weight.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

You're not wrong to send what you know your kid needs.

But when my ex and I split up, he assumed I'd send along everything he needed for our 2-year-old twins, but I figured: He decided life would be better separate from me - and that meant not only getting away from the things he didn't like about me, or the things he felt I didn't do well, but also forgoing all the things he enjoyed about me and the things I did take care of, for him. Many of those things I was pretty sure he never noticed or thought about, so I had a little pleasure at the idea of him discovering how much work (and shopping!) was involved in taking care of two special-needs toddlers... that, in fact, it ISN'T "just sitting around on your a** all day, not working"!

But I digress. Although my ex felt I was just being spiteful and my mother thought I was absolutely monstruous and neglecting my children, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me. He was also their parent. He wanted to parent separately. Why was I neglectful, if I expected him to go buy diapers and changes of clothes, the same way I did?

And now, 13 years later, I think it was essential! It helped us clearly define that our lives had truly become separate. I did not feel resentful that he was using me for those wifely services that remained convenient (the details of childcare), while he lived in his own, private, peaceful bachelor pad and dated whomever he wanted. And he learned to parent his children independently, as a single father should be competent to do. We became comfortable and confident in our separate lives and the fact that we're each responsible for our kids during our time - and now that that is defined, we can relax the rules and help each other out with things, when needed, without getting hung up on who owes what to whom, or whether someone's not pulling their weight.

Just that to this! I assisted my ex in purchasing these things (gave him info on sizes, requirements, likes/dislikes, etc. He's proud now that he can go out and buy diapers, can choose new toothbrushes, etc. My ex still leaves clothes purchasing to me due to his complete inability to buy anything matching (haha) he does quite well on his own - given that initial push.

[meemee]

initially i sent him everything. while he figured out what he needed. i made sure he understood he had to get them. and slowly he did. however when dd was still in diapers and i knew he was going somewhere, i would pack an extra diaper just in case. the first year or so i helped him too figure out what sizes dd wore. or what was best to buy. but he really didnt get a hang of it till many years later. it took him till second grade to realise that dd goes thru a huge growith spurt right before school starts so that the uniforms he bought a month before were now too short for her.

but mostly it was just the clothes on dd's back.

[Goodmom2008]

I only send clothes with my kids when they go to their Dad's and medicine if they are taking any.

I would send clothes and any comfort toy they have, but the father can provide anything else.

Just a side note: If he doesn't return the clothes, then don't send clothes with them anymore.

[Momtwice]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

I figured: He decided life would be better separate from me - and that meant not only getting away from the things he didn't like about me, or the things he felt I didn't do well, but also forgoing all the things he enjoyed about me and the things I did take care of, for him. Many of those things I was pretty sure he never noticed or thought about...

Oh yes.

Preteens/Teenagers (who do their own laundry) won't prepare for an event if you just ask them *once* several days ahead to get ready. It just won't happen.

When you no longer have a wife, you no longer have beach towels and swimsuits that magically buy or wash themselves, the sunblock does not magically fly from the store shelves into the perfectly sized waterproof sports bag.....and mom no longer feels resentful about being taken advantage of.

We each need to figure this out ourselves to make sure our kids are happy and that we are not taken advantage of. There is no one size fits all but just remember to stick up for yourself.

[hillymum]

I sent them with clothes for the weekend and px medicine and that was it. Oh, and swim costumes. I did warn sbx that he needed to buy toothbrushes etc and pull ups for our 5yr old who still wears them at night. He hummed and hawed about needing to stop wetting at night to which I responeded "You think right now is the time to do that? He's stressed enough as it is!" so we will see.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by hillymum

I sent them with clothes for the weekend and px medicine and that was it.

You're nicer than I am. I was curious so looked up what our court has to say about this and it says that the custodial parent basically only has to send the clothes the child is wearing at that moment and any special equipment or medicine the child needs. It is encouraged that the parent send seasonal clothes (swimsuit, snow boots, raincoat, etc) but that the non-custodial parent is responsible for having clothing at their house for the child.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I always send ds with clothes, but thats b/c my ex always sends them back washed (or keeps them until the next wash cycle and then sends them back), and also sends any new stuff that he gets for ds. But that could change when ds isn't growing out of things every 3 months. At this age it just doesn't make sense to have 2 sets of everything.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by thyra

I always send ds with clothes, but thats b/c my ex always sends them back washed (or keeps them until the next wash cycle and then sends them back), and also sends any new stuff that he gets for ds.

Wow! That's pretty nice - and, I think, unusual!

Historically, my ex never returns anything. Our very different financial situations mean clothes aren't important to him (if you can't find what you want when you need to wear it, just run out and buy a replacement!) Whereas, if I spend money on something nice, I want it to get lots of use, for as long as it fits, not be stuck in the back of a closet at someone else's house until my kids outgrow it!

I have learned to send them to his house in clothes I can stand to never see again and his wife (who loves to shop) has picked up the slack very nicely, by making sure the boys always have dress clothes, at their house.

[Super~Single~Mama]

It is really nice. It helps alot! I don't think he sends everything he gets for him, but I needed a nice outfit once, and I asked him if he had one and he let me borrow it. Which was nice, and I of course sent it back to him after I washed it.

I don't know how it will work once ds is older, but for now this works out pretty well.

[hillymum]

How do you look up the states requirements? I'm now going to spend the next hour looking lol. I'm guessing nothing will come back cleaned, if it does make it back.

Just a quick vent here, not worth starting a new post, but I see sbx is really getting to be the fun daddy now. he's been letting our 11 and 9 year olds ride an adult electrical scooter all day! His mom also told me how she thinks $350 is plenty of money to survive between one adult and 3 children. Wow, I guess sbx is going to struggle surviving on the remaining $3150 + he gets each week!