You are sooo lucky...how to respond?

[RiverandJulie]

We adopted a beautiful newborn Caucasian baby boy in January. We often hear comments from people..."you are so lucky you got a white baby" and "you are so lucky you got him soo quickly....and he's white" I have not figured out how to react to these comments.

Yes, we are lucky...we are sooo lucky to have a beautiful, sweet, healthy strong baby. We are lucky our adoption is going smoothly and it happened quickly. We are lucky to have a 29 weeker who is healthy and has no developmental setbacks. We are lucky to have a good relationship with his birthmother.
But we did not choose a white baby...he chose us, his race is not what makes us lucky. We were open to a baby of any race and will be in the future.

I dont want to downplay how 'lucky' we are, especially when he gets older and understands things a little better. I want him to know that he is exactly who we wanted in our life, but how do I respond to these completely inappropriate comments.

[Sierra]

I wonder if you would feel comfortable saying just that: "his race is not what makes us lucky."

[marsupial-mom]

For strangers, I'd probably just brush it off and ignore it.
For people you see more often you might just want to ask, "what do you mean?" and then try to have a little conversation with them. You can explain about how you were open to any race and how you plan to be an anti-racist parent by talking about how everyone deserves equal opportunities. Or they might surprise you by correcting themselves and you don't even need to say anything more.

[MissinNYC]

I would act sort of mystified and horrified and just ask, "What do you mean by that!?" I think such an overtly racist comment needs a response, especially as he gets older.

[MichelleS]

I would act sort of mystified and horrified and just ask, "What do you mean by that!?" I think such an overtly racist comment needs a response, especially as he gets older.

Definitely that. I so fully agree with MissinNYC.

[misidawnrn]

I wouldn't get into a heated debate about race with a stranger, or even someone closer. I would just say "thanks! He is special to us!"

[Sierra]

Remaining silent when witnessing racism is a contribution to racism.

[treeoflife3]

as someone with a black brother (half, he wasn't adopted) I'd definitely say something along the lines of how his race isn't what makes us lucky. People can't even realize just how common racism is because people aren't held accountable for the remarks like that. I'd hold them responsible for reflecting on what they just said and how exactly it comes across.

I assume what they REALLY mean is 'you are so lucky that your child looks more like your family making the integration easier especially as he grows older' rather than 'thank god you didn't get a COLORED baby, that would just be BAD!' but even that isn't a fair statement to make, and wouldn't even need to be necessary if people didn't continue to perpetuate that families are required to all be the same color or something isn't quite right.

As a child, I used to get pissed off that people would assume my brother was the adopted one and never me. It felt so cruel because people would ask me when he was out of range of hearing, almost like they were trying to commiserate about him not fitting in. I found it horribly inappropriate even as a young girl.

[marsupial-mom]

Originally Posted by Sierra

Remaining silent when witnessing racism is a contribution to racism.

In theory that sounds good
but in reality, the world is too racist and too violent to confront it each and every time
you have to choose your battles

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

In theory that sounds good
but in reality, the world is too racist and too violent to confront it each and every time
you have to choose your battles

I guess I don't find that I am spread so thin by choosing to speak out not just some of the time, but all of the time.

Especially when there are children present. Children are taking it all in. No child should ever have to hear unquestioned racism.

[Marcimama]

I would definately address it... if some one has enough time to say some thing like that, you should make enough time to respond rightly.

1 Goal... help people think about their words!!!
2 Goal... help people consider being quiet next time...
3 Goal... share why that doesn't matter... and shouldn't...

I'd have a standard response to people I don't know. Like... "His race doesn't make us lucky." or even "We'd be lucky no matter what color he is." or "Excuse me!" and leave it at that... it will shut people up and possibly make them think a bit. I'd not worry about telling them ANY thing about you... not any of their business.

For people you know, I'd ask them, "What do you mean by that." (in an honest and kind tone.) Often people need to actually hear what they are saying for them to understand how horrid it sounds. I'd ask them also, "It sounds like you are saying that that we should feel lucky based on our sons race, not based upon who he is or that other children are less desireable..."
I'd go on to explain how you think all people have value and shouldn't be viewed as more worthy than others for a family... etc...



Sorry, I am not even an adoptive parent... yet and HATE those kind of nosy and irratating comments! I get them... just of a different variety.
I have it worked out to a science. Hugs... and remember not everyone knows, understands or appreciates others the way you do... grant them grace too.

[RedOakMomma]

You have to be a little gutsy to say it, but sometimes "Did you really just SAY that?!" is a nice way to shut people up.

And I'm with the people who think something needs to be said. Every time. For us at least, we don't encounter racist comment often enough to merit a "pick your battles" approach, or even considering that approach. For us, it's really important that we respond now. Especially now, actually, while our daughter is too young to really "get" it. As she does get older, I'm hoping we'll be more practiced at dealing with this crap gracefully and in a straightforward way. Hopefully we can model some of the skills we hope she'll have.

[pumpkingirl71]

I am going to go out on a limb here, I am not sure I would call that racism. I do think it is the product of racism, but it could just be more innocent surprise. Kind of a reaction to the belief that there are no white babies to adopt.

We encountered a lot of insensitive comments like this when dd first came home and we still do occasionally. In my case, people perceived that dd's adoption was quit (it wasn't) and that we are luck because she physically looks a lot like me. They droned on and on about how lucky we are. And to be honest, a lot of the time we don't feel lucky. We feel exhausted. Dd's medical problems are difficult and her behaviors make her unlikeable. It was all I could do not to burst into tears when someone said this to me. I never found a way to react. It is all just too complicated. I generally just stared blankly at the person who told how luck I was that dd's adoption was so quick and how lucky we were that she looks like me.

[pumpkingirl71]

Oh, and I should add that I do think that something needs to be said to these people. I like the idea of responding "We aren't lucky because he is white, we are lucky because he is wonderful." Just because I don't think there was racism intended doesn't mean it is OK. Your child needs to hear this and it just makes the world a better place

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

I am going to go out on a limb here, I am not sure I would call that racism. I do think it is the product of racism, but it could just be more innocent surprise.

I think you are more accurate in your second post, when you say it is unintended racism. It is still racism. Living in a racist society doesn't mean we are bad people when we act out racism. It means we have been cultured by our society. It is still racism, and it still deserves correction.

[Masel]

Ugh. I've heard this too. I've said "Her birth family chose us. What was I supposed to say 'Sorry, you're too pale.'"

[MissinNYC]

In theory that sounds good
but in reality, the world is too racist and too violent to confront it each and every time
you have to choose your battles

That attitude sucks, it really does. People of color don't have a choice about hearing this nonsense, and those of us who benefit from white privilege need to man up and say something. We don't need to have a fight or argue for hours or even start a serious confrontation. Something as simple as "Thanks, we are really lucky to have a child, but we're not lucky because he's white- we were happy to adopt any race of child...." or something similarly simple and pleasant can be used. My son is a person of color and I'd be horrified if he overheard something like that said to someone and the adoptive mom didn't say anything.

[SpottedFoxx]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

In theory that sounds good
but in reality, the world is too racist and too violent to confront it each and every time
you have to choose your battles

As the parent of a child of a different race from my own, I don't have the luxury of picking my battles. As a minority myself, I've never backed down to a confrontation where ignorance is concerned. I certainly wouldn't back down to one involving my child.

River, first, congrats on your adoption. Whenever I'm faced with ridiculous comments of any nature my response is always "what a strange thing to say" and leave it. Oh, and when asked intrusive questions my response is typically "why do you ask". These two comments have put people in their place on more than one occasion.

[RiverandJulie]

Originally Posted by treeoflife3

I assume what they REALLY mean is 'you are so lucky that your child looks more like your family making the integration easier especially as he grows older' rather than 'thank god you didn't get a COLORED baby, that would just be BAD!' but even that isn't a fair statement to make, and wouldn't even need to be necessary if people didn't continue to perpetuate that families are required to all be the same color or something isn't quite right.
.

I hope that this is what they mean. Usually it is people I know, and dont think of as racist....but it is still a racist comment....And if the next baby we adopt is not white, how will that make my children feel, that one is the lucky one and the other isnt.

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

O I like the idea of responding "We aren't lucky because he is white, we are lucky because he is wonderful."

I like this response a lot. I tend to be non-confrontational, and this is a way to get my point across without crossing into uncomfortable.
Although, I hope I have the guts to one day cross that line and make a bolder statement, like some suggested, because it is needed and it will make people think more. The people who say we are lucky are not intentionally being rude or racist, but I believe that the 'innocent' comments add up and contribute to the racism of society.

[Natalie12]

Are you serious? People actually say that? As the mom of two Ethiopian kids, that's so hard to compreh