What to do about tantrums?

[WindyCityMom]

My 2.5yo loves to throw a good tantrum. It's not every day, but I'd say at least 3-4 times a week.

Today, she had two. The first was when she awoke from her nap- she just whined and whined and if something didn't go exactly her way (couldn't find her shoe because she flings them off, we're trying to teach natural consequences of things). She just would flip out. It's hard to use the natural consquences approach when she responds so horribly to the consequences.

The second tantrum was the all out throwing herself on the floor (almost down the stairs)) kicking and screaming type of tantrum. She was putting up a fight like someone was trying to amputate her leg. This was because it was time to come inside for dinner (after outdoor playtime). She's usually okay with this.

Right now, she's on the brink of another one because I won't open the window (it's 90 degrees outside and we're in a basement apartment- we have nosy neighbors and DHs cousins children live upstairs and they love to peer in our windows and yell and their parents don't do a darn thing).

What am I supposed to do? How do I deal with them? I just feel all frazzled

[hakeber]

I found the Happiest Toddler on the Block gave me an excellent perspective and tools to handle the trantrums. It talks about using simple language to reflect their emotions back to them in words they understand in their state of distress, and then to offer consolation and then then reaffirm that they have to do the thing they do not want to do, but that you will be there and you are on their side.

Most tantrums seem to stem from the child feeling misunderstood and alone.

The rest IME come from hunger and tiredness or just general moody bad-day-blues.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I found the Happiest Toddler on the Block gave me an excellent perspective and tools to handle the trantrums. It talks about using simple language to reflect their emotions back to them in words they understand in their state of distress, and then to offer consolation and then then reaffirm that they have to do the thing they do not want to do, but that you will be there and you are on their side.

Most tantrums seem to stem from the child feeling misunderstood and alone.

The rest IME come from hunger and tiredness or just general moody bad-day-blues.

This. Also tantrums are how LOs learn to deal with overwhelming emotions, so they are useful from a developmental point of view. Age 2.5 was my DD's most tantrum prone age. By about 38 months when she started saying "I'm angry" most of the tantrums were gone.

[mamazee]

Tantrums are normal and are more something to be outgrown than to have anything done about them. Just wait them out. Some might be due to her not understanding the concept of futility - that sometimes things can't be how we want them to be. It's a concept beyond the understanding of toddlers, and this is how they learn it. Some are probably due to not understanding strong emotions and how to work with them, and some are probably due to not understanding the concept of unconditional love - it can be scary for kids to get angry because they aren't feeling love during those times and don't yet understand that love continues even when we're angry. When she's old enough to understand those things, the tantrums will start to fade away. You can help her learn those things by empathizing with her (I wish it were cooler outside so we could keep the window open), talking about her feelings (you sound very angry), and continuing to express love (I understand you're angry. I love you and I'll be here when you need me.)

[WindyCityMom]

Thank you! And Mamazee, I didn't even think of showing empathy. I don't know why I didn't!

[ElsieLC]

My DD is the same age, and has lately escalated the level of dramatic scene-chewing. I like the answers here and will add that what helps me feel better *as a mom* is the empathy described above. The tantrums leave me feeling baffled and disconnected from my daughter (you're upset about what?!!), and I feel embarrassed as if the tantrum is a reflection of my (supposed) poor parenting skills.

So sometime after the tantrum has subsided and we're having a cuddle, I will say "You were having some very big feelings today. Sometimes kids are scared by big feelings. Or they are really frustrated when their mamas don't understand what they want. It's hard to be a kid sometimes." Getting at what it might have been like from her perspective re-sets my mama energy.