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Originally Posted by tankgirl73  I don't have all the answers for you... I do have a suggestion though, that instead of time-outs and reprimands you consider the idea of "time-ins" and extra hugs. It could be that PART of the issue with her is the classic "attention-seeking" behaviour, so if she gets the unconditional love and attention she's craving, rather than constant correction and punishment (I'm assuming it's probably fairly constant given your frustration level!), perhaps she'll be able to emotionally calm down a bit.
Daycare is certainly an issue. I'm assuming it's not possible to take her out of daycare completely? While most young kids are able to adapt to the pressures of the forced separation and disrupted attachments of daycare, some more sensitive kids will react quite badly with it. Picking up bad behaviours from other kids is only part of the problem (but certainly a legitimate one!)
It sounds like she's very lacking in empathy. The best way to teach empathy is through modelling it -- if she sees other people are sensitive to her needs, she's more likely to reflect that behaviour when acting around others. And also, modelling empathy to each other (not just directed at her), and talking about things with her along those lines. "Oh that boy over there is crying, what do you think made him sad? What could we do to help him feel better?"
In other words, rather than punishment if she does something 'bad' like that, she needs to understand why it's bad -- and the reason isn't "because mommy said so" or "because you get sent to your room". It's "because another person is hurt". So instead of punishment, she needs understanding. Not with forced apologies, but with learning and modelling empathy.
It's not an easy fix, and of course if there's something more going on with her then it certainly won't fix everything. But it might be a step in the right direction.
I'd suggest a few books like "Hold on to Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" (for stuff about building a secure attachment even when separation is necessary), "Unconditional Parenting" (for ideas on non-punitive ways to deal with things), and even "The Explosive Child" (for insight into kids who have difficulty controlling their negative emotions).
My older son was never actively mean, in the sense of hitting kids, but he was clearly lacking in empathy fairly early on. It turns out that he has mild Asperger's. He has a hard time seeing things from other people's point of view. Toddlers of your daughter's age do normally experiment with everything... "what happens when I do THIS", even when "THIS" is smashing something breakable on the floor. They're just curious to find out what happens, it's not deliberate "bad" behaviour. But doing it to hurt other people on purpose, it's either trying to communicate some need not being met, or a lack of empathy -- whether due to physiological reasons (ie asperger's) or psychological (lack of healthy attachment).
Good luck, hope you find some answers!
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ITA with everything above.
Actually, when DD was 2y7m, and DS was born, I distinctly remember the shift in my approach after reading Hold on to your Kids by Gordon Neufeld.
DS was in a baby swing, and DD came over and pushed the swing HARD. my first instinct was to tell her NO! You can hurt him! STOP. The next day she did the same thing again. At that time I was reading Hold on to your Kids.
Neufeld talks about collecting before correcting (basically an emotional time in). His reasoning is that children do understand when they do wrong, they don't need an IMMEDIATE reprimand. They are not rats in Skinnerian experiments. In fact, if the reprimand is immediate, the child is still in a highly non-receptive state of mind.
So the next time DD pushed DS hard in his swing (he was a lot in a swing as I had a broken foot then
), I just pulled her up to my lap. I didn't comment on the incident. We just cuddled for several minutes. Then I quietly told her that DS can get hurt if she pushes him so hard. That was the last time she was rough with him.
The "collect before your correct" principle has done wonders, I'm not kidding. It was really like magic. Yet it is a drastic perceptual shift for a parent, as many think that immediate correction is necessary for eradicating "misbehavior."
I also agree with the other poster who says that her being verbal could be complicating things. Especially with a new sibling, you might have a tendency to regard your DD as older than she really is (I think it is natural, and we just have to remind ourselves of that. I remember how "old" DD seemed at 2.5! Especially when her brother was a newborn. Now DD2 is just over two, and because she is the youngest, she is more of a baby to us. It is easier to be objective). Your DD is the oldest, she is super verbal, but she is still a baby! And a baby who is going through a tough adjustment period of having a newborn in the family...
