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SAHM vs. Working

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
I am posting this in personal growth bc it is really about my growth as a person and mom, but feel free to move it if you think best.

Before I had kids I always thought I would work.

I had DS, and worked 3 days a week. Perfect. A good balance between career that I liked, and spending time with him. He was a reallllllly hard baby so honestly it was a good break for me.

I gradually had to ramp back to FT due to changes at work. I had no choice, that or be let go.

I had DD and decided to stay home. My job had changed completely and I no longer liked it. And I couldn't imagine dragging 2 kids back and forth to DC every day. And I truly wanted to spend more time with the kids.

Now I am at home and I feel kind of lost. I actually have a great and amazing group of mom friends. We go to playgorups almost every day, isolation is not the problem. The problem is me- I feel like I should be doing something with myself beyond just mothering. Or that I should at least have a plan. If I could say "well I am home with the kids for now but in 5 years I am going to do XYZ" instead of "I have no clue what I am doing with my life".

Anyone have wisdom for me?
post #2 of 10
You say you feel like you should have a plan to do something other than mothering your kids...why? Because of a previously held ideal? Because of other people's expectations? Because it would fulfill you in a way that being a sahm does not?
post #3 of 10
I know some moms have kids but are still really compelled to do things outside of the home. Maybe if I had some fantastic and fulfilling career waiting for me I might feel the same. But I don't. I had a great job and a nice looking future before kids, but my work wasn't something that I was emotionally attached to or passionate about.

Also, I was not that woman that always dreamed of being a mom. But when I became a mom, I loved it and I felt like it was a new challenge for me. I reframed my thinking. Being a mom is the hardest but most fulfilling job I've had. And I have just become determined to do my best at this job as I can....just like I was when I was working. I don't look at it as something that I'm passing my time with until I get on with my life--this is my life. Again, I know that's not for everyone. But it CAN make your current position feel important and not just an inbetween period.
post #4 of 10
I feel the same way OP! I don't have any answers for you but if you find any, pass them on.

Would volunteering help? I would so be volunteering if I lived in a country where I speak the language.
post #5 of 10
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamallama View Post
You say you feel like you should have a plan to do something other than mothering your kids...why? Because of a previously held ideal? Because of other people's expectations? Because it would fulfill you in a way that being a sahm does not?
All of the above?

I wish I could do something meaningful, but very part time (like 6 hours a week, lol). And something that also pays enough to justify paying for childcare. Yah right.
post #6 of 10
Well, when I need to get away from my kids, I send them to my mom's house (rarely--couple times a year,) or I notify dh that I'm going somewhere and he's on kid duty (couple times a month,) or I drop them in childwatch at the YMCA while I work out (couple times a week.) I had a friend who liked trading childcare with me, but she just moved. That was a great situation, but I really don't have any likely candidates for replacement, so I've put that option on the back burner for a while.

I worked as a doula for several years before our littlest was born. That was awesome--but the difficulty of arranging that type of childcare coupled with the frustration of working in a hostile environment (hospitals) against a stacked system led to burn out. Aside from the individual rewards of helping women get what they wanted, I also learned that I'm not interested in a career as a hospital based midwife. It was absolutely worth the effort.

Now I attend friends and family a couple of times a year. I don't ask for pay, but helping people I love is rewarding in it's own right.

I've worked on the legislative committee of our state's group effort toward licensure for CPM's (lots of research and data entry, plus lobbying efforts.) No pay, but absolutely rewarding.

I've been a Girl Scout leader for 4 years (more maddening than fulfilling...) I pay out of pocket for childcare for that...yikes.

I write. I read. I go on occasional quilting benders. For the past six months I've been working on home improvement projects (not my forte--going to have to give that up!)

For me, the paying enough to justify childcare has been a problem. Some people have skills that are marketable in that way. I don't.

I do what I want instead, and work out childcare arrangements on the side, or just suck it up and budget for it.

Maybe your skill set is different, though. What do you want to do?
post #7 of 10
No wisdom but wanted to say that you are not alone. I definitely feel lost and would be more comfortable if I knew what was in store for me in the future. I never thought I'd staying home, but I eventually became very unhappy at work and when our son turned 1 I thought I'd be happier at home so I quit. Well fast forward, I wouldn't say I'm happier. I got a promoted to district hr manager right after college and after 2 years I was burnt out by the politics. Now I think about where I could be career wise if I had only stuck it out, and it makes me sad, especially when I hear about things happening with my childfree friends.

I feel like my entire identity is being a mom, and I'm trying to get in the mindset that work (now sahm) isn't and shouldn't be my identity and so I'm trying to find myself, perhaps for the first time. I'd love to start my own business, but what? I've also thought of volunteering, hoping it could turn into a permanent position if and when the time was right. I hate not knowing but I guess all I can do for now is take it day by day and things will eventually fall into place. I hope!
post #8 of 10
The title of your thread got me curious. If it helps any, I'm almost 58, raised 3 girls and in the process of raising our son and I still don't have a plan for my life. I have things I do just for me and try to do at least one of them every day. For me, I found that putting everyone else in the family first not only leaves no time for me but drains me of the energy needed for the rest of the family. I need to fill up before I can empty out.
post #9 of 10
Well, OP, I think that no matter if you decide to persue other interests IN ADDITION to mothering, you're still 100 percent mothering your kids. Be careful to not slip into the either/or thinking.

What ages are your children?

My kids are 8, 7, and 7. To be really honest with you I was really "lost" to myself or any outside interests from the time the twins were born until they were around 2. When the twins were 2 I dipped my toe in by accepting a board position at their toddler group, so that I see how things worked, and get to hang out with some nice moms I wanted to get to know better. I'd done some playgroup coordination before that, but that was more email coordination. I didn't do too much else other than occasional church volunteering until the kids were 6, 5, and 5--when I started to get really involved in the PTA and at the parent-co-op elementary program that my kids attend.

THis past fall, when the kids were 7, 6, and 6, I decided that really I wanted to do something OTHER than kids stuff. I knew that it had to work with my schedule without stressing me out--which meant no daytime stuff. (that meant the animal shelter was out--they needed a 4 hours daytime or weekend block, and I wasn't willing to give that). So I thought about things that I had always wanted to do but never had time--and picked (stereotypically enough) a pottery class. I LOVE it--and I've continued with clay classes the whole year including this summer. I didn't realize I was an artist, and it's been so fun.

For the next year, I accepted an executive position with my school program. I plan on continuing my pottery. And I'm paring down other volunteer obligations so that I can add in at least 1 hour of exercise daily (I alternate between a Zumba class, cardio-weights, and a personal trainer).

So for me, it was helpful to take it in stages. Frankly, after years of VERY intense parenting I needed some breathing room--and playing with dirt and working my body does it for me. But I had to wait until it was practical for me to do so. I couldn't have left for 3 hours in the evening once a week with 3 nurslings--unless I was planning to use my stiff, engorged boobs to shape the clay on the wheel. :P And while it would have been possible for me to drag them all to the Y--by the time that happened I would have been exhausted. Now the kids are old enough to support me doing cool things with clay, and they're the ones dragging ME to the gym (because they want to go play with the awesome young adult staff in the older kid play areas).

As for skills I've picked up--I'm kind of shocked at how many practical skills I've picked up volunteering at the school. Event organization, community contacts, knowing how to use all the functions on the fancy copy machine, big budgets, political activism (school board/district politics), stepping out of my comfort zone for public speaking (in front of large groups--from the school group, to contentious board meetings, to community meetings), mediation, learning how to write bylaws and grants. How to use the area's library software and programs. Knowing how to cook regularly for 100 people, preparing a filling, nutritious whole meal for $100 or less.

I am pretty good at handbuilding pottery, my wheel thrown cups and bowls actually LOOK like cups and bowls. My drawing skills have increased. I know how to mix up glazes! I can teach the basics of pinch pots and coil building to others (and have!). Despite being a fat housewife, I can kick booty (and SHAKE IT TOO) in Zumba for an hour without quitting. I know how to spot people who are lifting free weights.

Now, is any of that a huge inroad into a career? Probably not. BUT...my brain finally feels exercised, I am learning new things, my kids see me willing to try stuff I've never done before with a cheerful and adventurous spirit.

But I think you have to start where you can, ease into it. I don't think you have to have A Magnificent Plan right away. The important part (IMO) is to PLAY. And learn. You never know what might grab you. I never ever ever thought of myself as an artist--now I'm slowly building a studio in my laundry room. I never thought of myself as a leader, but I have mentors and supporters who want me to lead an organization that's very important to me. Some of the stuff that I thought I would like (I always thought I'd like to be a librarian) I've realized through volunteering that while I love being a volunteer it's not something that grabs me as a career.

Pick one thing that you can easily fit into your budget and schedule. And commit to doing it this year. If you don't like it, pick something else after a few months! Don't try to do too much so you don't crash and burn. But IME, things do not just fall into place--you do have to be the one to give bits and pieces a shove.
post #10 of 10
Thread Starter 
Tigerchild, that is very helpful. I appreciate it.

I think I am going to start (very slooooooowly, no rush) pursueing starting an organizing business. I have long enjoyed and am good at decluttering and organizing. I see a good market both for busy families with kids as well as for older people/downsizing/moving to nursing homes.

I am going to start slow and work on setting up a website. I am going to do some free work for friends in exchange for references (and that way I won't need childcare at first). We will see how it goes.
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