Thanks all, lots of good stuff to read here.
Yes, I think he would chose to live with his dad if given the chance. Four years ago when ex sued me for custody, I asked ds what he wanted and he said he didn't want to leave. Now, he and his dad have always been close even though we haven't all lived together since ds was 3yo. In fact, the day I was in court for the verdict, my friend who stayed with the kids texted to tell me ds1 was curled up in bed with stomach pains bc he was afraid he would have to move out. I guess a lot can change in four years...but his dad is a good guy, he has a stable salaried position, a nice home, a very nice wife. Ds wouldn't suffer there, but he also wouldn't necessarily take daily showers or brush his teeth regularly. And I would still need to be the one putting in the required volunteer hours at school and be the one keeping track of doctor and dentist appts, bc I have asked ex to help with this type of stuff before and he has proven that it's not something he can do.
I think the big thing with ds is that he hasn't fully outgrown his ADD/ADHD-like tendancies (never dx, never on meds). He still is very inattentive, so when I calmly explain why I don't appreciate his tone of voice, he only half-hears and then promptly forgets (he was dx with CAPD). And then he is super impulsive, so even if he remembers that I don't like being snipped at, he can't control the urge to do it.
And then the depression...he has always has periods of sadness, but this one is just the worst yet. He literally sleeps every minute I let him. I've allowed him to sleep a lot this summer, and even planned my days around his need to sleep, but last school year it was bad and I can't see dealing with it again this coming school year. He'll be a sophomore and will have more HW than ever before. I can't just let him come home, shower, and crash at 4pm. It keeps him up all night. He seems to have my sleep troubles, so it's hard enough for him to fall asleep at a normal hour for bedtime and taking an after-school nap basically means he doesn't sleep at night. But how do you prevent a 135# person who is a full 3" taller than yourself from getting into bed? I've asked him to sit on the couch with me so I could keep him engaged in conversation to keep him awake and he literally nods off in the middle of talking.
Do I let him sleep in the afternoon, stay up all night, and just fail school? This is what happened to me. I left school at the end of 10th grade bc of my sleep disorder and the onset of fibromyalgia. Ds has the early symptoms of it, but I can't find a dr who will seriously accept the fact that an otherwise-healthy teenage boy could have it. And I can't HS bc his not-so df has a court order preventing it.
So nothing makes this kid happy. Not taking him to 6 different theme parks in the last year. Not the family road trip to NY this summer. The child actually fell asleep on the top of a double decker tour bus in Times Square! He has so completely checkout out of life. He is in counseling, but it just started up again this summer and between being out of town and all the time he spent with his dad, I haven't been to too many of the sessions (at least ex takes him, but he sort of has to to comply with his own court order). And they're only every other week, which I don't think is enough.
I have a suprise planned for my boys tomorrow. We are going to spend the day at in indoor virtual reality arcade. If ds1 doesn't seem to get any enjoyment out of the day, then when we are at counseling on Thursday, I'm going to tell the dr. I am ready to consider meds.
Sorry for the novel, but even if no one reads it, it feels good just to get it out.