"bite him back"....

[nextcommercial]

I have a few friends who are radio DJs. They post on facebook, mostly it's random radio fluff.

Today, one dj posted a problem that the other DJ was having with his 18 month old son. The toddler is biting. No details of who he's biting, or if it's at daycare or anything. The question was done in a teasing way towards the baby's dad. (nothing offensive)

MOST people answered with "Bite him back". About half of those people were kidding. But, several of them were COMPLETELY serious.

I always see posts here that say "My sister said I should bite him back so he knows how it feels". But, I didn't think I knew anyone who would actually SAY that. I thought "Oh, it's regional... people on that side of the world are just more uptight than we are". I was SHOCKED by how many people said in all seriousness that it was a good idea to bite him back.

Now, honestly... this little boy is maybe 20lbs. He's cute as a button. WHO would bite him???? Much less his own parents??? Why on earth would people actually suggest that?

I don't blame the ones that were joking. The post was made in humor. Those remarks were obviously meant to sound absurd. But, then others just ran with it.

I had no idea there were that many adults who would actually suggest that. Do you think they just have grown kids, and FORGOT what it's like to have a one year old? Maybe their memories are just fuzzy and it sounds like a good idea 20 years after your own kids are grown??? " My own mom always says "Oh, I would have killed you if you acted like that". But, of course we did act like that (I have my brother's report cards to prove it) and she never killed us.

[peainthepod]

My abusive mother did this. She holds multiple degrees in early childhood education, too. I don't know if it's what she was taught or just something she did because she enjoyed it, but she definitely did it. I always thought it must be a cultural or generational thing but some people are just sick, so it's hard to say for sure.

She also played "the hitting game" where if we hit her as babies/toddlers, she would make a point of hitting us back--twice as hard. That was to teach us not to hit, you see. Mother of the year.

[babygirlie]

ok, I was bruised from the biting and I bit her back. Not hard but i did give her a nibble. Maybe that's why it didn't work. She also enjoys scraping my gums behind my teeth until i scream. She's fast. Anyway. For the record... doesn't work. Just looked at me like I was stupid and continued. I found turning my face away and not "offering" her the place works better. (Her favorite place is my jaw. She can get a good chunk.) She definately does not do it to be mean. She has a sensory disorder and I think she likes the feel of it. She bites fingers too. She really doesn't do it to be mean. She just likes the feeling of skin and hair in her mouth. I really wished she'd prefer food but we'll get there eventually.

[babygirlie]

Pea.. did you stop hitting her or did it end up in a fist brawl with you both hitting?

[mrspineau]

I think this is very strange. My sister has told me to "bite him back" when my son went through a short biting phase, and would bite her own son to teach him not to bite. I just don't get it. To me it is completely illogical.

[earthworm]

I thought this was just something people said jokingly until I went to my first (and only, heh) local mom's group get-together.
A woman told me her husband did this to their son and she made it pretty clear that he did it HARD. I felt bad because part of her seemed a bit distressed by it and maybe that's why she was telling me (we were not even discussing biting or anything like that). But I had no idea how to respond because there was definitely another part of her that thought it was just her husband being funny. And she seemed OK with it because her son never bit again. Well, at least he won't bite again until he has children, if he doesn't find another way.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

My abusive mother did this. She holds multiple degrees in early childhood education, too. I don't know if it's what she was taught or just something she did because she enjoyed it, but she definitely did it. I always thought it must be a cultural or generational thing but some people are just sick, so it's hard to say for sure.

She also played "the hitting game" where if we hit her as babies/toddlers, she would make a point of hitting us back--twice as hard. That was to teach us not to hit, you see. Mother of the year.

Yeah, both of these methods were common where I grew up. Unfortunately they still happen pretty often.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

Pea.. did you stop hitting her or did it end up in a fist brawl with you both hitting?

She claims it worked but I have no way of knowing for sure, since we were so young. I do know that the happy tone of voice she used and the twinkle in her eye when she told stories like that (about how she "had" to hurt us as babies) has always made me feel vaguely ill, so I doubt it was done with pure motivations.

If I ever witnessed an adult biting or hitting a toddler in public I don't know what I'd do. I can't even imagine thinking that's okay.

[Mama Mko]

Yeah a lot of people do this. It isn't a joke and it's disgusting.

[StoriesInTheSoil]

My son's nurse practitioner said that she had a family in the office talking about doing this and she mentioned that biting a baby could be considered abuse and she is a mandated reporter and she sure hoped they were kidding and let them try to back out of it.

I think the whole idea is ridiculous. If one of us hit a sibling when we were little, my mom would hold us still and let the hit sibling hit back until the hitter cried. Yeah, that was effective in curbing rivalry.

[Ornery]

I was inundated with that type of advice when my oldest ds was young. I was a young parent (16) and everyone thought they needed to tell me how to parent. My mom delighted in telling me how she cured my sister and I of biting, by biting hard enough to draw blood!

I took "their" advice on one occasion. When my ds was around 11 months old I lightly smacked his hand to keep it out of the fan (after weeks of doing it my way with distraction, redirection, putting the fan up, etc, and all the while everyone was telling me I needed to show him who was boss). He looked at me with such puzzlement, turned around and hit my arm. It really was a concrete example to me of what I would be teaching him by hurting him.

Every time someone tells me to hurt my children in some way, I tell this story. Unfortunately, in the mom circles around here, biting is often automatically answered by biting back or a smack to the mouth and spanking is often seen in public. I think of it as an ignorance problem. People just don't know there are different ways to parent.

[zmom2010]

Apparently, when I was a toddler, I bit everyone. It was actually the pediatrician who told my parents that whoever I bit next, had to bite me back hard. I bit my dad and he did bite me back. Apparently, it worked but my parents said that if they had it to do again, they would have never done it. AND, they never did anything else (even spank me) ever again. I was just shocked to hear that the doctor told them to do it

[liliaceae]

[~savah~]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

My abusive mother did this. She holds multiple degrees in early childhood education, too. I don't know if it's what she was taught or just something she did because she enjoyed it, but she definitely did it. I always thought it must be a cultural or generational thing but some people are just sick, so it's hard to say for sure.

She also played "the hitting game" where if we hit her as babies/toddlers, she would make a point of hitting us back--twice as hard. That was to teach us not to hit, you see. Mother of the year.

When my daughter went through her biting phase from 8 months to around 15ish months most everybody told me to bite her back. They swore up and down that the was the only way she would learn. Turns out they were wrong because she is 2 1/2 and hasn't bit anyone in over a year.

It's the same with the hitting. My sister-in-law told me if I don't hit DD back she will never learn. When I pointed out that her 5 and 3 year old children still hit even though she hits them back she stated that "nothing actually really works, you'll see". I suppose we will both see.

[liliaceae]

I really don't get it.....hit and bite them so that they'll learn not to hit and bite?? How does that make sense in anyone's mind???

[InMediasRes]

I don't get it either... I guess the "logic" is that they'll understand that it hurts you and magically develop empathy related to their actions years before their peers. Of course, the one time I tried a hand smack (desperate to get DD to stop pinching my nipple), the hurt in my poor baby's eyes was enough to tell me that the instant I chose that action was the instant she forgot about what she had done to cry about what I had done. There was no way she made the connection between "I hurt Mom." and "Mommy hurt me."

I did bite my son once at 3yo when he actually ASKED me to do it and offered me his finger. I certainly didn't do it hard, and it occurred to me afterwards that he now thinks its okay to bite if someone asks you to do it.... He's never had a biting problem though.

[mammal_mama]

I think the advice is totally wrong, but I'm kind of shocked that anyone is shocked about people saying this. Maybe there really are some pockets of the world where gentle, child-respectful parenting is mainstream.

I mean, I'm happy for those of you who live in such a gentle place! Here in the Midwest where I live, physical punishment still seems to be pretty much the mainstream. But my city is pretty diverse, so there are some gentle parents, too.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Ugh. That is advice given to for dog training if you need to teach your nipping puppy who is alpha - bite them back on their ears. (I'm not saying this is correct, I'm just saying it's a method used on dogs).

And yup, I've heard it too.

[mamadelbosque]

Another vote for being shocked that *anyone* finds it shocking... its like the threads where people say stuff like "I just wouldn't/couldn't be friends with people who circ/spank/cio/whatever"... I just don't get it Some of you must live in really crunchy enclaves... because unfortuantly most of the world is simply not mdc and simply does not practice ap/gentle discipline.

[~savah~]

Originally Posted by mamadelbosque

Another vote for being shocked that *anyone* finds it shocking... its like the threads where people say stuff like "I just wouldn't/couldn't be friends with people who circ/spank/cio/whatever"... I just don't get it Some of you must live in really crunchy enclaves... because unfortuantly most of the world is simply not mdc and simply does not practice ap/gentle discipline.

I live in a pretty crunchy area and I would't have any friends, much less have a relationship with my family members if I followed those rules.