As much as I hate to admit it, having her evaluated for SPD, allergies/sensitivities, and Vit D deficiency makes sense. I *hate* the thought of telling anyone that something is 'wrong' with her, but if she's processing the world through a filter I don't know about, that's a problem I need to address.
The other night (not sure which one, everything is such a blur) I had been rocking with her for EVER and she was quiet, calm, and awake. WAY too still to be fully awake, but not sleeping either. So I decided to try laying her down awake. Occasionally (before the latest stretch of teeth and milestones making her nurse all night) she would crawl over to me, nurse, then let go and crawl back to her crib at night. I've seen her crawl over to her crib to go to sleep at bedtime too. So I thought, well, I'll just lay her down and see what happened.
She just laid there, looking sleepily at me.
So I backed away, very slowly, very timidly. More silence.
Eventually I was outside her room just standing there trying to figure out what to do. After a minute or two I decided to go into the bathroom (the next room) and get ready for bed. Either she'll decide that she needs me or go to sleep.
So I walked into the bathroom, put toothpaste on my toothbrush, got the toothbrush into my mouth, and heard her get started. Fuss, fuss, SCREAM - HOLLER - I'M DYING/BLOODY MURDER/IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! Actually, I'm not sure it sounded like anger, it was so crazy intense that I'm not sure I could pair it with a specific emotion. By the time I finished brushing my teeth (which takes what? like 2 minutes?) she was so loud that DH had woken up and gone in there. As soon as his shadow was outlined in the door, she stopped and held up her hands. She had worked herself up to such a height that she had those sniffly-hiccuppy things for like 20 minutes.
Clearly, this is a child with an opinion. And some passion. I think later in life, if she learns to handle them well, those qualities could really serve her greatly. Until then, they'll be turning my hairs grey.
I'm making a point to sleep in and lay down in the afternoon. Even if I am too wound up to sleep. I think once I make exercise a priority again, my own body will be sorted out and then I can work on Addie.
Today she seemed to suddenly get the concept of signing 'more' when she wants food and she did it after nursing for a few minutes. I checked and I do have milk in there, but my let down was slow. Maybe after several months of doing battle with OAL, she's lost the capacity to wait and nurse slowly? Maybe her busy schedule does not permit her to leisurely nurse and empty a less overwhelmingly full breast? I'm going to keep a close eye on my supply, and do what I can to keep it up, hopefully that will help.
As far as solids, her day looks like this:
Breakfast: an egg and toast or a piece of fruit and toast, plus whatever she can glean from our plates
Lunch: 1/2 my mac n cheese, beans and meat from DH's burger, a hot dog bun, or 1/2 a grilled cheese and a portion of my rice and veggies (leftover stir fry)
Dinner: most of a can of peas, ANOTHER slice of bread (what is it with this kid and bread??)
Plus, throughout the day she gets lots of graham crackers, cheese, yogurt, fruit leather, whatever we're eating. Also, I'm only listing what I actually saw her ingest, not what was offered. There is a LOT more that is offered, rejected to the floor, then suddenly desired as soon as we get out the broom.
I have notice over the last few days she's started eating a lot more solids. Suddenly she has patience to sit and eat. I know for a while she would HATE to sit and eat, but then want to nurse as soon as I got her out of the high chair. She would drain a breast in 3-5 minutes, and I think that was more convenient for her. Now, I'm wondering if my slowdown has made eating table food the faster way.
Tonight she will only sleep in the Moby on DH. He's tried several times using several tricks to get her laid down. Now he's just standing, with her sleeping, playing video games, waiting for the courage/endurance/willpower/emotional stability to try laying her down again.
I really, really appreciate everyone's support. It means a lot to me that so many have offered suggestions and help and hugs. Thank you.