No more babies:(

[SomedayMaybe3]

Well, it's official. I talked to DH last night about the idea of having more children. He's a definite no never to change his mind. We have two which is wonderful especially since he only wanted one and two was our compromise agreement. I'm studying for my bachelors right now so if we were going to have more kids it wouldn't be for at least 5 more years....That way I could work for a year or so after I graduated. But, Hubby says no way. I'm really sad but i respect him. He really isn't good with the baby stage and it's all on me which is fine. Since our baby is now 15 months hubby doesn't want to start all over again in 5 years. I get that. Financially we have no way to add another now. In the future we would but ugh..that's just not gonna work..I can't tell u how sad i am. DH was trying to be supportive in telling me all the things we have to look forward to, ex :traveling with our two kids, being young parents, providing equally for our kids, he said it was time i stopped and focused on myself and my career goals, more freedom, all the activities we'll be able to do with our toddlers without the worry of what to do with a baby...the list goes on and still doesn't make me feel done...anyway i guess i'm just venting. I'm not going to try and change his mind anymore and i know he won't. If anyone has any advice for me on how to feel more happy with this decision let me know. Anything to look forward to? Anyone who wanted more then was very happy with what they ended up doing? Ugh...thanks for reading:/

~Sarah~

[mama to 2 girls]

I don't think anyone can say anything to make you feel better. 's This is just one of those things that only time will heal I think....

As far as things to look foward too..... I know for my dh and I we had dd1 and I had horrible PPD and PTSD so we didn't really want anymore but we weren't quite sure (well dh was) so I coerced him into at least entertaining the thought of a 3rd right around when dd1 was a year old and I was starting to come out of my "hole" ...then when dd1 was barely 14 mos. old I got p/g by surprise with dd2. She completely cured me I was so happy I knew how it felt to be a "real" mom. Dh was supposed to go for a V but then chickened out so I ended up p/g again by surprise when dd2 was only 14 mos. old. Dh and I were pretty much freaking out because neither of us are very good with the baby stage (neither of us are very happy to be around with lack of sleep)......and while we absolutely LOVE ds to death, he was the most needy baby (he cried and screamed all day and night for the first 6 mos. of his life) and it was really hard on all of us. Needless to say dh didn't hesitate one bit with getting the V....when ds was only 2 weeks old.

So I guess things to look foward too are no more diapers, eventually (if they don't already) they will sleep thru the night...not being tied down with a baby, having more freedom. All the things your dh already mentioned to you.... and for my dh and I these are BIG things that we are REALLY looking foward to.

I myself am also a very logical thinker....sure there are times when I see a big preggo belly and miss that time but then I think about the condition of the world and how much worse it will get and not wanting to put another human being on the earth to have to put up with it.....also I already have healthy kids, I (personally) would feel really horrible if I had a child with special needs, a life that I didn't *need* to bring into this world that would now have to struggle thru life. Not to mention the strain it would put on our marriage having a child that might possibly need care for the rest of his or her life.

IDK, that's just me.

[Eresh]

I don't think I can say anything to help you feel better, but I can empathize and give I'm currently pregnant with DC2 which will probably be our last. DH is planning on getting the V after the baby is born and I don't feel like I really have the right to tell him no since he never really wanted kids. The only thought I have is if you could ask to hold off on doing anything permanent for 5 years and then re-evaluate. People do sometimes change their minds ... though would it be more painful for you to hold out hope for 5 years and then have his decision be for permanent BC? Something only you can answer. and best wishes.

[Gismobabe]

I am sorry. I felt really sad about that, too, although my logical mind says NO, my heart says yes. Anyway, I do realize that I can never know what the future brings and in five years things might be completely different and everyone could change their mind.

[Katie T]

I understand what you are going through. I wanted another and DH didn't. I was upset at first and felt that he shouldn't get to make the final call. But not that the youngest is 2yo I am feeling done as well. He originally said we could have another when I turned 35 (because I could have gone back to work for a while and built our savings back up) but I honestly don't think I want to start again when I am 35.

All this to say that with time I have realized that maybe he was right. Not so say we don't both talk about one more but we both agree that we are honestly done.

Time helps, but there is nothing anyone can say right now to make you feel better.

[mommyin2008]

Originally Posted by Eresh

I don't think I can say anything to help you feel better, but I can empathize and give I'm currently pregnant with DC2 which will probably be our last. DH is planning on getting the V after the baby is born and I don't feel like I really have the right to tell him no since he never really wanted kids. The only thought I have is if you could ask to hold off on doing anything permanent for 5 years and then re-evaluate. People do sometimes change their minds ... though would it be more painful for you to hold out hope for 5 years and then have his decision be for permanent BC? Something only you can answer. and best wishes.

I would like to chime in here because I feel like im in a similar situation and maybe you can relate? DH never really wanted kids either. Said when I was like 28 we could maybe have 1 baby. Well, When I was a month shy of 25 we had an oops and now we have a 2.5 yr old DS. DH loves being a father and is the best father I could ask for. He has highly exceeded my expectations on fatherhood and just adores DS. they are the best of buddies. However, I want to have another baby and he knows it, but quite frankly, if I didnt want anymore, he would be perfectly fine with just 1. He knows how I feel and we have discussed it. For a long time he said NO, NO NO, no more, etc. But, did nothing permanent, and just pulls out[which has been very effective by the way...lol...]. Just recently has he been saying that "maybe we can have another one when DS is like 4". I dont want to wait till hes 4 to get pg. I want to be pg by the time he is 3..which is only 6 months away. I try not to bring it up much, but DH really just says hes not ready yet, "im not ready right now". So, hes changed alot in instead of No, no more, its "not right now". Its really hard for me because I hate to not KNOW, "when". I know he probably doesnt know when he will be ready either[if ever], but its just really hard. He has already said that if we have another one, he is going to get a Vasectomy or I need to get my tubes tied during my c section. Which I told him I wouldnt do, so he can be the one to get the V. He said he was gonna get it done after DS, but of course, didnt.

Ideally, I would LOVE 3 kids. But, given that my DH would have preferred to not have ANY, and its hard enough to get him to commit to trying for #2, I cant imagine him going for a third.

So, Im just waiting and wondering when and if the time will come that he will be ready to try for #2. How did your DH come around to the idea? Or were your children not planned? thanks for listening!

[SomedayMaybe3]

Mommyin2008....I totally can relate..That is the hardest part when they say "maybe" if he was just as excited as me to try for another in the future i could deal with it...But it's well maybe in ? years. I'm so envious of the women who's men are so into every part of it. We are only in our 20's so we have not taken any permanent measures. we actually haven't even thought about it. Our 1st wasn't planned but we surely were not trying to avoid...Kinda whatever. He was fine with just one and was giving me the whole story of someday with the possibility of #2...I'm not to sure if he was planned. lol here's why. We were using NAP, charting, temping, cf...all the works..We would pull out or use condoms. I told him i was fertile and he didn't pull out...He loves his little son now. To this day he says that he didn't know i was fertile and he laughs...I think he wanted another or he wanted to make me happy. It is working out fine. He really isn't home much. he works from 630 am to 8pm....good money tho:/ He's a good father but he's not the best with the baby age. I think he thinks he provides best by providing money. He told me that if i didn't feel like going to college i could have a 3rd baby..this was about 6 months ago....My eyes about dropped out of my head. I thought what?! he said it as if it was all my decision. I'm the main parent so i see his thinking but i was shocked...Kinda made me feel like he only wanted our babies to make me happy...that would make me angry but he is a really loving father. IMO it's the responsible thing to do to get my degree and be able to contribute. i don't know if u say my other post on here but we have agreed that in four years we're going to decide if we want more. he said he actually thinks he would be up for that. In the mean time i need to not change my mind. this is just such a hard decision. I don't know what ur working situation is but for hubby it seems like if he's the one bringing in the income it's to stressful to have four people depend on him(even tho his comment about me not getting my degree contradicts it) this is such ramble

Any way...are there goals u guys need to achieve before baby? Can u figure out why he doesn't want more? that is what helped me. men look at things so weird sometimes. I think they think we don't look in the future so when we want a baby someday they assume we wanna get pregnant now. I hope this helps...feel free to ask anything else..this is soooooo hard.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by SomedayMaybe3

Any way...are there goals u guys need to achieve before baby? Can u figure out why he doesn't want more? that is what helped me. men look at things so weird sometimes. I think they think we don't look in the future so when we want a baby someday they assume we wanna get pregnant now. I hope this helps...feel free to ask anything else..this is soooooo hard.

I commented on your other post too, but felt the need to comment on this part here....

Not too long ago I sat down with dp and asked him to write out exactly what he wants to accomplish before having another baby (he was always vague before that with things like "be financially secure", etc). I made him say EXACTLY what he wanted. Once we got that out, it was MUCH easier to see what needed to be done before he would be 100% on board with having another baby. For us, those things are....

1. He wanted a new car (he was driving a 2 door sports car that ds was having to squish to get in the backseat so it really wasn't going to work with 2 kids). He just bought a new car a couple weeks ago so this is checked off our list (he'll be paying for it for 3 years which, coincidentally, is about when we will consider having a baby).

2. He wanted me to finish college so that *if* something happened and I needed to go to work I could (I plan on staying home for at least the first year of the baby's life, but just having the comfort that I could go to work is enough for dp). I will graduate in spring 2013.

3. He wanted to be making X amount of money. He/we are on our way to accomplishing that.

4. He wanted X amount of money in savings (again, we're working on this and will continue to steadily work on it).

5. He wanted to be married (lol.... we will be in the next 6 months).

6. He wanted to be sure ds was getting all the therapy he needs and that ds won't be short-changed when a new baby comes into the picture. DS is currently doing wonderful with only 2 therapies per week outside of the school (done one right after another so it's a 1 day commitment of 2 hours each week which is a huge change from when I was having to take him 4 days per week to therapy!). If ds keeps on track with where he is, he might even be done with that one therapy and only do school therapy in the next 3 years.

That's pretty much it. Originally he wanted to buy a new house before we had another baby but after talking about it I am much more comfortable with having a baby THEN buying a new house a couple years after that. If we buy a new house I would have to go to work ASAP after having a baby because we wouldn't be able to afford me being off work, not to mention if we buy a new house and then immediately have a baby we would put ourselves in a really bad spot if anything were to happen (me being on bedrest, baby born preemie, baby with special needs, etc). DP is all about finances (it's part of what he does for work so he's a bit obsessed with it) so this really made sense to him. So, for now, we are planning on staying here for 5ish more years. Which leads into the final thing he wants....

8. He wants to replace the dishwasher, oven, fridge, microwave, washer and dryer. Why? I'm not sure. Most of them are still in good/great condition. But he's got a complex about things matching (our washer is starting to go so he wants to replace both washer and dryer. Our fridge was making weird noises the other day so he wants to replace all the kitchen appliances). It's one of those things I'll smile and nod about and let him do it

So..... he's got the new car, I'm working my butt off to get through school (taking as many classes as I can, including during the summer, while working part time), we are working on earning more as a couple as well as building up our savings, we will be married in the next 6 months, ds is doing wonderful in his therapy and dp is free to obsess over replacing appliances if he'd like.

It'll still be, at minimum, more than 2 years before we even consider getting pregnant. I think the earliest we would even consider trying will be October 2012. That would put a due date of July 2013, which is a couple months after I graduate.