Adding a baby when your child is high needs

[lillymonster]

I have a 3 year old, who has always been high needs. She is great, and sweet, and caring to other kids, out in public I get compliments and questions on how she listens so well and doesn't run off, etc, but the flip side is she doesn't run off because she doesn't let me out of her sight. She is like a little puppy dog at home follows me into every room, doesn't play independently very well, screams when she sees a fly or gnat. Dh has to almost whisper around her because she gets scared or upset at the tone of his voice, and he has never been mad at her.

She always had sensory issues and was diagnosed with SPD at 18 months, so I know that is part of the sound/tactile issues, so I am fine with that. It's not severe enough that I don't think she can function though. We still co-sleep and she still has to fall asleep on me or hugging me. I wanted her in her own room because I am afraid the baby might wake her up, but I don't think that is going to happen.

Anyway, I am wondering if it will get worse or better? Anyone have a sensitive or high needs kid who adjusted okay with a new baby? I am getting advice to send her to pre-school, but I honestly think she would have a difficult time with the noise and other kids at this point, and i want to wait until 4 anyway. Plus potty training is going very slow (like everything else has been)

[maddymama]

Hi Mama,
We added #2 a year ago when DD1 was 3. She is a very spirited child, and the transition was rough. The first two months were crazy, but by 4 months it was fine, we had all adjusted, and life was fun. Expect alot of tantrums and jealousy, but now DD1 and DD2 are inseparable and besties.
My advice for when you add #2- use the crockpot for all of your meals, get as much help as is humanly possible, plan for spending as much time alone with DD1 as possible when DD2 is napping.
~maddymama

[~PurityLake~]

My oldest daughter was a very high needs infant/toddler/young child and we had a second daughter when she was only 14 months old.

[hergrace]

DS1 was/is high needs. He has been an amazing older brother despite being saddled with triplets for younger siblings *as long as* I have made time for him to have me all to himself almost every day. He knows that he will get me for at least 1/2 an hour every day after the little ones have gone to bed and that makes all the difference. When the trio were smaller and didn't have a settled early bedtime, I hired a sitter to watch the trio for an hour while I focused on DS1.

[Aufilia]

My DD is 4.5 now but was just over 3.5 when her brother was born. She also has some sensory issues and gross motor delays, as well as a seemingly irrepressible need to talk to be 100% of the time. Or at least to be talking.. not always to me.

Fortunately, DS is way easier than DD. Like, way, wwaaaay easier. He is smiley, easy-going most of the time, and more of an explorer than DD. He sleeps better at night than she did (but is way worse about naps). DD and I never managed to cosleep; DS does, but he also sleeps in the crib sometimes.

As for your DD's sensory stuff, it's hard to say. I have found that DD's sensory stuff is more apparent as she gets older, because when she was younger some of it appeared more age-normal. But now she appears more immature than her peers when she gets upset about certain things.

Also, I would urge you to have your DD evaluated for occupational therapy if you can. To be honest, your DD's sensory issues sound more severe than my DD's, and my DD's aren't really "minor". Occupational therapy for kids is very playful--my daughter pesters me every Wednesday from the moment she wakes up about WHEN can we go to therapy. She really enjoys it! But regardless of how severe her needs might be, they are stressful to her and disrupt her ability to enjoy things, then they are a problem to be dealt with.

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by Aufilia

Also, I would urge you to have your DD evaluated for occupational therapy if you can. To be honest, your DD's sensory issues sound more severe than my DD's, and my DD's aren't really "minor". Occupational therapy for kids is very playful--my daughter pesters me every Wednesday from the moment she wakes up about WHEN can we go to therapy. She really enjoys it! But regardless of how severe her needs might be, they are stressful to her and disrupt her ability to enjoy things, then they are a problem to be dealt with.

I know the flying insect thing happened because she was stung by a wasp about a month ago. She was fine before that, so it's a hard thing to work through right now.

We did take her to therapy for feeding issues/sensory issues. And, well, it was traumatic. No matter how many therapists said they were gentle or go slow, it was always reward based, and DD just doesn't do well with rewards, as in she loses interest in something once it's used for that purpose. Either she is very smart in that aspect, or very forgetful. But the therapy always ended up with her crying. I had one therapist I liked that focused on sensory issues, but she left therapy, and the rest concentrated on "feeding" therapy, which was really harsh

I think her food issues had nothing to do with sensory now, because she eats fine. I always felt her biggest issue was noise, but I couldn't get a therapist to deal with that issue. Even after I said my pediatrician believed her food issues where allergy related.

I don't know - i posted way too much, but I feel like I don't trust or haven't found one that I really like. None of them really listened to me, I guess. And insurance wouldn't cover it. One therapist we saw actually told me my child was possibly autistic and needed 3-4 sessions a week, and when I asked the pediatrician, she was very upset the therapist said that and told me she was fine and was upset the therapist would say anything like that at all.

So I am a little gun shy taking her back to therapy because I feel I got "over diagnosed" with each one I went to. I think there were 5 in total we saw.

[JudiAU]

I don't have a lot of help other than to say I found it helpful, no really I required dh to handle the night time parenting when I had a newborn. And i wad the toddler-snuggler et Dd was pretty easy going compared to dh but I just could NOT have managed more than the infant at night and then functioned with bit during the day. So if at all possible, get dh on board with cosleeping or other arrangement in another room when you have the baby. Sigh. Sleepi with the baby is still paradise compared to ds.