Frustrated

[Ashley_R]

I know my daughter is at that stage when she's asserting her independance from mom (2 1/2) and that this type of behavior is normal, but I'm not sure how to counteract it/ deal with it. She WILL NOT listen to ME. I have to tell her not to do something 3, 4, 5 times before she stops, but most of the time she keeps on doing it. If her DH tells her to stop she might ignore him if she uses his regular voice, but if he uses his dad voice she stops intanstly. And the thing is, I'm the one that follows through with consequences more consistantly (time outs, removing from situation, ect..) This gets so frustrating for me, I feel like I have no authority. Any suggestions on how to get her to listen to ME and not just DH? Again I know its normal stage, but its very frustrating.

[LynnS6]

It is frustrating!

The solution is 'simple': Don't give her 3, 4, or 5 chances to ignore you. She's learned that she doesn't have to respond the first time. Or the second. (Kids are remarkably quick that way.)

So, the next time, get up and go over to her, touch her and tell her again. If she doesn't do it, then gently help her comply. If you do this each and every time, she'll get better (slowly, over time).

Remember that 2 year olds are also physical learners. They have to experience something to really learn it. No matter how verbal they are, they are still taking in a lot of their world physically. I would argue that's what's happening with dad. She's responding not to his words, but to his tone of voice.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by Ashley_R

I know my daughter is at that stage when she's asserting her independance from mom (2 1/2) and that this type of behavior is normal, but I'm not sure how to counteract it/ deal with it. She WILL NOT listen to ME. I have to tell her not to do something 3, 4, 5 times before she stops, but most of the time she keeps on doing it. If her DH tells her to stop she might ignore him if she uses his regular voice, but if he uses his dad voice she stops intanstly. And the thing is, I'm the one that follows through with consequences more consistantly (time outs, removing from situation, ect..) This gets so frustrating for me, I feel like I have no authority. Any suggestions on how to get her to listen to ME and not just DH? Again I know its normal stage, but its very frustrating.

Two year old toddlers haven't developed impulse control yet. She's not ignoring you she just doesn't have the neurological development to resist her impulses. Some time between 3 and 5 her ability to comply will start being in place. Punishing her for just being a normal 2 year old won't help, redirection and consistently letting her know your expectations will work. So you can tell her what your expectation is, then if she doesn't comply gently help her comply as you tell her why (like that's dangerous). As she begins gaining some control over her impulses she will begin to comply more and more, that's why it's important to continue voicing those expectations even though she probably won't comply. The "dad voice" is probably interesting or startling and gets her attention. If you have more realistic expectations you won't feel frustrated.

Another useful thing to do with toddlers and preschoolers is to tell them what to do instead of using 'don't'. When you say "don't run" they focus on the "run" part of your statement and then do exactly what you don't want them to do. So saying "walking feet, please" works better than "don't run" or "gentle touch" instead of "don't hit/push".

With our DD, by 3 she had started complying more and by 3.5 we were getting a lot more compliance and also hearing her say all the things we had been telling her. I'm not sure if it's cute or annoying having your preschooler telling you how this isn't a good idea or that's dangerous so be careful, and pay attention. But at least she had been hearing us even when she wasn't able to comply. Now that our DDs 4.5 it's amazing how much easier some things are.