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I am asking here...

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
...because you have older children. I would like this thread spotted by just you lot!...it could of course fit somewhere else but I ask that this get noticed first perhaps before it is moved?....

Not sure how to word this but basically... if you have never felt done having children, but for some reason or another have decided that that lot you have is the lot you have and no more (maybe your other half didn't want any more children, maybe you couldn't afford to have more children, maybe for some medical reason, etc)...whatever the reason for you never having had more children, but also never having felt 'done' (like there were more children out there in the world for you).... How do you feel years down the line? Do you still feel that way? Does the feeling go away? Does it fade a bit? Will I be an old lady suffering the loss of children I may never have?
post #2 of 14
I did not feel done at 3 - did not feel done until my 3rd was nearly 5.

Reasons for feeling done:

1. I started to enjoy some of the freedom that comes with older kids - including working, activities etc, that are just not possible or harder to arrange with younger kids.

2. I am older and I have seen more. I have a fear about bringing children into this world that are not healthy; this a fear I did not have when I was younger

3. I am 38. I always said I would be done having kids by 35.

I must admit that while we do use withdrawal to prevent, no one in our house has done anything permanent to prevent further children. I am aware I could conceive and at this point am leaving it up to the universe.

I might feel sad when my periods end because that possibility is ending as well.

In some ways I do feel there are other children out there for us - or me. I have provided a soft, nurturing place for 2 sets of children whose families were in crisis. I cannot see this ending as I age. I said "me" above as I am not sure my DH is as drawn to the idea as I - but to be honest, I may do it (fostering or something more informal) anyways. I love my DH, but a child in real need may trump what my DH wants. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.
post #3 of 14
I only have one. I always wanted at least one more. But, never did.

Now, I am 46 yrs old. My daughter is 18, my step daughter is 23. I moved on completely. The thought of sitting in a park waiting for a turn at the jumping house, or bringing home a plastic bag full of little toys just doesn't even appeal to me any more.

I miss those days, but I never want to go back. The only time I wish I'd had one more child is when I think of my daughter never having a sibling to call, or to help her when I need special care. There's nobody to tag team with when it's time to put the parents in a home. LOL

I don't long for the baby I never had. I don't ever want to do it again, even though I loved it more than anything in the world. I just don't long for it.
post #4 of 14
That's way to individual a question and I don't think you are going to find a general answer. DH and I are 38. Our kids are 13 and 9. Two fits our lifestyle and our budget. We are complete. For a short time I had the desire for a 3rd but it vanished around my 30th birthday. My DH has always been open to a 3rd child but it's always been a "wouldn't it be nice" not a "I really need this." If he'd needed another, I would have had one. If it happened accidentally, we would be OK with it. However, we feel "done" and are totally at peace with it. I always figured if that changed, we would adopt an older child like some of our friends have done.
post #5 of 14
Do you mind telling me your age, Ann? "Being done" is such a personal thing that has many variable for each person. I know for me, I thought I was done at 3, then hubby REALLY wanted another, so I said sure, but then you get a vasectomy after that. So that's what we did. I also did foster care for a number of years, so that kept us very busy. Plus hubby traveled a LOT when our kids were little, so I was very much a single mom mon-friday. 10 years went by and we questioned whether we were "done"? Nope. We had the vas. reversal in hopes of having more children.....at least 2 more we thought. Blessed with #5, but #6 hasn't happened despite our efforts. Still, we aren't "done", and we may always wonder what if....but we are so thankful for all the little ones we have.
post #6 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
I only have one. I always wanted at least one more. But, never did.

Now, I am 46 yrs old. My daughter is 18, my step daughter is 23. I moved on completely. The thought of sitting in a park waiting for a turn at the jumping house, or bringing home a plastic bag full of little toys just doesn't even appeal to me any more.

I miss those days, but I never want to go back. The only time I wish I'd had one more child is when I think of my daughter never having a sibling to call, or to help her when I need special care. There's nobody to tag team with when it's time to put the parents in a home. LOL

I don't long for the baby I never had. I don't ever want to do it again, even though I loved it more than anything in the world. I just don't long for it.
I could have written this...I'm 46, too; my daughter is 13. Within months after she was born I was researching international adoption so I could have another child. I always hoped I'd have one biological child and one adopted... But financially there was just no way.

And now I would be devastated if, by some miracle I found myself expecting another child. I'm learning to appreciate time to myself again...and truthfully, raising a teenager is nowhere near as fulfulling as raising a young child. I'm glad I only have to go through this once. Parenting is amazing --and the best decision I ever made--but I got past wanting more children. I'm at a different stage in my life now--and I don't want to go back.

When I'm relaxing on the beach, reading a book, while dd and her friends are swimming, I feel bad for all the young parents juggling screaming kids and chairs and toys and sunscreen.

After I hit 40 the sadness over the fact that I'd never have another child started to disappear. I did go through a period of mourning--but my daughter was becoming independent by then and I was able to have some time to myself, or to do activities with her besides playing Candyland--like going on bike rides or long walks in the woods...and I remembered all that I had to give up when she was younger...
post #7 of 14
I had my first child 9 months after we got married, and my second just 12 months after that and then....nothing. I thought I wanted 4 children. The thing is, I was so tired and babied out having the two of them so close together that when it occurred to me that I wasn't conceiving the desire was pretty much gone. We discussed having more children and seeing a doctor to see what happened to my fertility, but it never became a high priority.

Now my children are 21 and 20, and I did float the idea of another child 2 years ago when our youngest left for college. My husband very gently pointed out that I was speaking out of loneliness and shock, rather than true desire. When all is said and done, we never said definitively "we're done", but we did not pursue it, either. We are completely at peace with our family, and I don't feel like anyone is missing.
post #8 of 14
Yes, this is an individual thing, but I admire your desire to ask those who are were you will be, Ann. There is much wisdom in it.

I have 3, ages 9, nearly 12, and 17. I at times desperately wanted more, and I still do feel that tug and longing. I have perhaps 3-5 fairly safe child-bearing years left, and am divorced w no SO-- it seems unlikely for me unless I adopt after the nest empties (or during, LOL).

I'm not sure under what circumstances I'd consider risking a pregnancy as I age into the danger zone for LOs. It's not an issue for me now, but assuming that there is a possibility I'd meet someone, and and and... (I'd really have to get cracking right away, LOL; or accept a high risk pregnancy).

I live and teach at a childrens home, and in a very real way they are all my very own children. But still. I would like to have more of my own (bio) if it were possible.

I take joy and have hope in the idea of grandchildren. All my children have been raised knowing what a blessing children are, and learning to cherish them largely by being cherished, so I think I'll have quite a number. I am not sure if grandchildren will satisfy the longing, or if it will bring great joy in another way, but never quite quiet that desire.

blessings
post #9 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by JellyMomma View Post
...and truthfully, raising a teenager is nowhere near as fulfulling as raising a young child. I'm glad I only have to go through this once...
I could not possibly disagree more. Parenting my teenager has been a wonderful, surprisingly blessed time for me, especially after years of hearing things like this, which made me fearful.

It is a beautiful thing to see them grow and become who they are, to sprout wings and try them out, knowing they are strong, equipped and healthy enough and will soon fly. I am thrilled with my teen, and the next one is shaping up to be another great joy as a teen (can't speak on the 9 yo-- that's too far away to tell )



blessings
post #10 of 14
Quote:
I could not possibly disagree more. Parenting my teenager has been a wonderful, surprisingly blessed time for me, especially after years of hearing things like this, which made me fearful.
I agree. Every year has been better than the last. Personally, infancy and toddlerhood were extremely difficult times for me as a mother and certainly the least enjoyable. Ages 4 through 8 were good. Everything past 9 has been SO much fun. Sure, they are older and there are differences of opinions and such but I'm more appropriately built for these sorts of confrontations over the toddler types.

I think we are all just built differently. I know women who would be thrilled to just have babies all the time. In fact, 1 of them fosters babies and so ALWAYS have a baby in their arms year after year! Others like me are at our best past 4th grade!
post #11 of 14
Thread Starter 
Thank you for all your responses so far!

I am only 25 - so I feel pretty young for this to be 'it'. But DH is 37 and feels 'old' already and wants to be able to play with his children for years to come - I can respect that point of view as well I guess (cause if our ages were reversed, I would feel similar). We have two beautiful and healthy boys and I love them both to bits and the age gap is working out fantastically so far - so if we were to have another, I would shoot for a similar age gap - that puts me at being 30 the 'next time around'.

I know everyone says 'you are still young - theres plenty of time!'...but its more down to that fact that I am lucky even to have two because DH really does not want more children. In the end, I only have two because he wanted me to be happy - and for him, that was the only reason to agree to have another child ...because I really wanted another child (we may have never even had children if DS1 wasn't a bit of a surprise - he changed me so much and I never knew that I would feel this way. I fell into the mothering role quickly and very well and in love with it!). So in that sense, I can see him agreeing - in about 4 years in time - to try for a third because I won't shut up about it lmao...

There are a million resons why I feel I want another child. There are just as equally a million reasons why what we have is great - why we shouldn't have anymore and keep our lot the way it is.

BUT...and this is where I feel DH will never understand me... I feel that there are more children out there for me. I don't feel 'done'. This feeling has nothing to do with why I would like more children or why I wouldn't. Its very seperate. It is a hard feeling to explain.

I have a few friends who do feel 'done' and 'complete'. I have one with two children and she has no desire for more at all. She holds babies and likes them but is just as happy to give them back without an ache in her own heart and womb. She is 'done'. I have another friend with four children. She said that before she had her last, she felt like there was another out there for her and then when she was born, she suddenly felt very 'complete' and 'done'. I do not feel this way. I want to feel that way because I worry that I will forever feel this way and I don't like that feeling and I am not going to like that feeling whilst all my friends continue to have babies and then eventually my own children have babies and if I am lucky, I may become a great grandmother too!...and I don't want to feel that ache forever.

Maybe this feeling may change will time. Maybe as my boys grow and I have more freedom and time for myself and to do other things I love - and I will fall in love with that freedom more and desire that life over another child and be happy and content and feel more 'complete'...who knows! But maybe I won't. Obviously there isn't much point in worrying about all these things and maybes because what will be will be - but I just needed to hear from other mums with older children who have felt the way I do perhaps and to talk about this.
post #12 of 14
When I became pregnant with my youngest it was quite a surprise. We struggled a bit with giving up our new found "freedom." A weekend away, my career re-starting.
However looking deeply, we realized that yes, someone was missing from the dinner table. He came along at just the right time.
That's when we knew we were done.
post #13 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley View Post
Thank you for all your responses so far!

I am only 25 - so I feel pretty young for this to be 'it'. But DH is 37 and feels 'old' already and wants to be able to play with his children for years to come - I can respect that point of view as well I guess (cause if our ages were reversed, I would feel similar). We have two beautiful and healthy boys and I love them both to bits and the age gap is working out fantastically so far - so if we were to have another, I would shoot for a similar age gap - that puts me at being 30 the 'next time around'.

I know everyone says 'you are still young - theres plenty of time!'...but its more down to that fact that I am lucky even to have two because DH really does not want more children. In the end, I only have two because he wanted me to be happy - and for him, that was the only reason to agree to have another child ...because I really wanted another child (we may have never even had children if DS1 wasn't a bit of a surprise - he changed me so much and I never knew that I would feel this way. I fell into the mothering role quickly and very well and in love with it!).

Saw this on new posts...our situations are eerily similar! I am 25, dp is 38, dd1 was a surprise, and he pretty much agreed to have #2 (ds) to make me happy. I too fell in love with mothering after having dd and felt like I needed a second child to make our family complete. He is definitely done (we also have dsd from his first marriage, so ds was his third child) and, although I would definitely consider having another, we have agreed that we are done.

I am feeling good about that decision as of now, but ds is only 4 months old, so I do worry that I will have that longing in another couple of years. I too feel so lucky to have two beautiful kids, so I am focusing more on being grateful for that than on wishing for more, KWIM? We definitely cannot handle more kids financially right now, so knowing that it is not really a viable option also helps me feel done. Good luck with your decision, it is hard not to be on the same page in such an important decision!
post #14 of 14
Your dh is still young.

I had always wanted to finish having kids by 35. At 37, I had a ten and thirteen year old at home, a fourteen year old living with her father and stepmother who I was becoming much closer to thanks to the internet, a lot of ambitions for my writing career, a love for homeschooling that had me looking forward to going back to college when the kids were older, an intense long distance relationship with a man who couldn't have children, and NO desire for a baby.

I didn't notice that Terran was missing until shortly after my 40th birthday.

I won't go into my TTC journey in this post; it's all here on Mothering; suffice it to say that even though I was well into the "danger years" that many of the pps have chosen to avoid, the pregnancy and birth went very smoothly and I now have a healthy, happy 2 1/2 year old whose temperment is well suited to my strengths and weaknesses as an older mother.

People continue to grow and change throughout life. Just as your ds1 changed you forever, your boys can and will change your DH. If somebody is missing from your family, he may just not have noticed yet.
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