For those who hate feeling "watched" during labor...

[homemademom]

did you use a doula? I hate the feeling of being watched, and my last labor left me with a lot of anxiety about that, as if everyone was getting tired of me being in labor (my mw actually did/said things that led me to believe it was the case, at least for her). FTR, I've never had a doula at any of my births.

Did your doula leave you feeling "watched" or did she alleviate your fears and make you feel comfortable? I'm really struggling between deciding if I want to do a home or hospital birth this time (which is sort of a separate question), but if my doula can help me over this hump, then I think it would go a LONG way to helping me choose another homebirth.

Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences? Thanks!

[Banana731]

See, I'm watching you right now...

No seriously, A lot of what I feel like I do is "watching." I'm focusing on what your doing, how your handling things, so that I can figure out how to best help you. It's not just standing in the corner watching with a clipboard, but I am paying attention. A doula is usually going to be doing something with you or for you most of the time, even if it's just reaching a hand to you during a contraction to let you know that she's still there. If I feel like maybe a mom needs some space, I'll ask, and I definitely do spend time filling drinks, picking up towels, throwing away juice boxes, cleaning the kitchen, etc when it feels appropriate. It seems like "waiting" with mom is a better way to put it. I've been tired in a long labor, but I've never been tired of a woman being in labor. If anything, I feel empathy, as my labors have been pretty long as well.

If you do decide to hire a doula, make sure you tell her about that experience in your last labor. It will probably be helpful for you to spend a little extra time with her before labor, so you feel really comfortable in her presence. I'm sure most doulas would be willing to accommodate you in that. And maybe for you, it will be extra important to listen to your intuition when you choose someone. I think we (doulas) try reflect the seriousness and tone of the laboring woman, but every person is going to bring their own personality in the room. Some people are very calm and mellow, some are very light-hearted. If you find that you are very sensitive to what is said to you in labor, maybe a more serious-minded person would be a better fit for you as a labor assistant. Also, you may ultimately find that don't feel like calling her to come be with you until you are pretty far along, everyone feels like they need support for different things, and at different times. I've had clients call me several times during labor to ask questions or get reassurance, but not actually want me to come until pretty far along. It's about what you need to be in the right headspace too, no just the physical support.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I'm very interested to hear the responses you get!

[goodygumdrops]

Wow. This is really how I felt at my birth. It's funny because I've been thinking a lot about how it will be when I have my next babe. I really feel the need to be left alone. It's crazy but I just really feel like labor for me is inhibited by being around too many people...like a "watched pot never boils" thing

[homemademom]

Banana731, thank you so much for your post. That's what I was wondering. If the doula was there for me/with me, then I likely wouldn't feel watched by her, in that clinical, bored sort of way. I mean, I didn't feel like my dh was tired of it because he was in the trenches, helping me at every step. My mom and mw on the other hand. . .

goodygumdrops, I think a lot of us feel this way! I know it was one of the main reasons I've chosen homebirth and mws, but to be honest, for two of my deliveries, I've felt waaaay too observed and it really hindered my labor.

Still very open to thoughts and advice

[babycatcher12]

This is my first homebirth, but have a feeling I'll be the same way. I plan on hiding if I need to.

I did hire a doula though, to help make sure that DH gets a break if needed and who will be there to support me...but really I kind of plan on hiding out.

[kittywitty]

I hate being watched birthing or not and have never had a doula. I think that was the worst part of my hospital births-being watched like an animal in a cage and having new people constantly come in just to look at me.

[Twinklefae]

I never felt watched by my doula - she was too busy timing contractions, doing the double hip squeeze and talking the nurses to watch me in any kind of judgy way!

[HollyRhea]

I am a doula, and I try to be sensitive to when my presence is either a help or a hindrance. I have left laboring couples for hours at a time to labor together in the shower if I was unneeded. I've also gone home if I've suspected my arrival at their house slowed things down.

That said, I'm also the kind of woman who does not labor well with people "watching".

first baby: hired a doula, but labored at home alone with DH until urge to push. She arrived and drove us to the hospital, where I pushed baby out in 45 minutes.

second baby: did not hire a doula, super-fast labor in which son was born before midwife could make it to my house.

third baby: hired a doula (good friend and colleague), midwives came early in labor. Sent everyone home because labor pooped out, kept waiting for labor to pick up after kids went to sleep. It wasn't until 24 hours later and I finally cleared the house of everyone but DH that I had my first serious contractions and had baby 1.5 hours later. I had a feeling I'd need that solitude to feel safe enough to kick into gear. Of course we called everyone back ten minutes into my real contractions so they all made it this time. Kids missed it, though. I don't think I could have labored with them present since I was still in care-taker mode.

I've had clients who were very sensitive to strangers or new places. I had one who labored with ctx 15 min apart for four days - turns out she was terrified her neighbors could hear her moaning. We are sensitive and many of us need a very secluded cave to feel safe enough to let our babies out. It's a good, healthy thing.

Hope that helps!

[crittersmom]

I don't like being "watched" and I don't like strangers touching me.I did have a doula with my second and she never made me feel watched, she protected me form the stream of people in and out of my room.She helped me into the bathroom so I could labor by myself and only called me out when she could tell I was ready to push or they needed to do an exam.If I ever have a hospital birth again I would hire a doula because at least she would be a known person rather than all the nurses and Drs just checking in.If I actually had long labors I would get a doula every time just to give my DH reasurance that its not all on him.Kinda spread the responsibility out.