Bonded with 1 adoptive child, not the other

[QueeTheBean]

This is really really hard for me to ask--it is about a family member, not me, and I guess I am just trying to find out if this is "normal". I am trying not to be too specific, even, in case anyone can identify them or me.

Years ago, a family member adopted an infant (10 months old) and had a pretty easy time of it--or as easy as an infant ever is . . . This was a foreign adoption and the baby was matched with them.

Fast forward a few years--they chose another child--same country of origin, different gender. This child was older at the time of adoption--3-1/2, and is just a year younger than the sibling. This was not an agency match--they specifically chose this child, albeit based on descriptions from afar.

It has been a year now, and IMHO, the 2nd child has adjusted beautifully--amazingly well, actually. An incredible bright, smart, loving child. Also, unbelievably cute and charming. In many ways, a very typical child of this age (now 4-1/2). But, the parents don't like the younger child. No other way to say it. They favor the older one to a great degree, and in every way. It is so obvious, they barely hide it, and in fact have pretty much admitted it. Part of it is the gender issue--they have a strong gender bias against one sex.

I don't pretend to understand the complicated issues surrounding adoption, especially foreign adoption, or adoption of an older child, and I hope I am not saying something too ignorant. But my heart is absolutely broken for this little one. Is there any hope that this will turn around? This is such a great kid and I wonder if there is any way a child can be raised like this and not be completely emotionally injured.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean

This is such a great kid and I wonder if there is any way a child can be raised like this and not be completely emotionally injured.

Well, as an adoptee rejected by her AParents, I personally don't think a child (esp. an adopted one) can avoid being emotionally injured by being rejected while still having to endure people bleating about how they were "chosen." I'd like to hope that this kid's parents do not bring that up very often as they are rejecting the child emotionally.

OTOH, to be blunt though, you may not be seeing the whole aspect of the child. For all you know there could be some serious attachment issues or other stuff going on. Even *spouses* sometimes don't know about behaviors towards the other parent.

I also think that it is quite natural for a parent to find one child (who typically shares common interests, is "easier", has better chemistry with the parent) to be more companionable.

Personally, I think you call them on it--without inserting your own (not totally informed in all likelihood) judgements. For example, saying "You know, I don't know how to tell you this but I feel that you should know...I am uncomfortable sometimes when I am with you and the kids because some of your behavior gives the impression that you favor child A. I'm sure that you may not be aware of it, and I understand that I don't know the whole story--I just wanted to let you know that it's visible or might be interpreted that way."

They're going to be angry with you. Hopefully if this is benign though they might be more conscientious or it might be a wake up call.

[lauren]

I am a teeny bit confused...the older child is also the child that joined their family second? So they feel closer to the older child who came later, vs. the infant?

[Tigerchild]

OP says that the child who was adopted as an infant is a year and some change older than the child who was adopted at 3.5

[lauren]

Thanks TC; so the child they feel closer to is the child that was adopted as an infant, and the child they don't feel as close to is the child that was adopted at age 3 1/2 (sleepy today I guess!)

[Tigerchild]

I believe so! 'Sokay, I had to read that a few times last night too. My brain has been dewrinkled this week.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean

It has been a year now, and IMHO, the 2nd child has adjusted beautifully--amazingly well, actually. An incredible bright, smart, loving child. Also, unbelievably cute and charming.

This is exactly how outsiders describe my daugher. I could make a list of the negative behavior that only we see, but I am not sure that would help. I would give the parents the benefit of the doubt and say that you just don't know the whole story.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

This is exactly how outsiders describe my daugher.

Same here.

Also, a year in the grand scheme of things may just not be enough time. Bonding with older kids is often a long process.

[QueeTheBean]

Yes--to clarify, at the risk of identifying myself , they adopted their 6-year old daughter as an infant. They adopted their 4-1/2 year old son as a 3-1/2 year old.

I am hoping that it is exactly as some of you have described--that there is more going on than I know. They have been pretty open about it, actually, but even what they say seems normal to me. "We tell him not to touch the stove, and he touches it . . ." That, while frustrating, seems like fairly normal behavior for his age. It very much seems like a boy-girl thing. They just don't like boys. They wanted another girl, but the wait was very very long. I helped "talk them into" going for the boy. I have boys myself, whom I adore, and talked up all the positives. Now, I feel really guilty, as well as worried.

[QueeTheBean]

Originally Posted by Sierra

Same here.

Also, a year in the grand scheme of things may just not be enough time. Bonding with older kids is often a long process.

I am hoping this, too. It certainly seems reasonable.

[QueeTheBean]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Well, as an adoptee rejected by her AParents, I personally don't think a child (esp. an adopted one) can avoid being emotionally injured by being rejected while still having to endure people bleating about how they were "chosen."

Personally, I think you call them on it--without inserting your own (not totally informed in all likelihood) judgements. For example, saying "You know, I don't know how to tell you this but I feel that you should know...I am uncomfortable sometimes when I am with you and the kids because some of your behavior gives the impression that you favor child A. I'm sure that you may not be aware of it, and I understand that I don't know the whole story--I just wanted to let you know that it's visible or might be interpreted that way."

They're going to be angry with you. Hopefully if this is benign though they might be more conscientious or it might be a wake up call.

Sorry to hear that you experienced this yourself.

I basically did have a conversation about this with the mom. To her credit, she didn't seem angry. She was trying to explain it the way others do here--that there is a lot that we don't see.

Maybe I am just worried too much. I do tend to do that. The one thing I can say is that this kid has some real positive internal qualities--seems very self assured and is confident and charming--as well as smart (they actually thought about having him skip a grade, amazing considering he has only been in this country & speaking English for 1 year!).

sigh--I hope it will change. I know I had a LOT harder time bonding with my 2nd child--not that it compares to this situation exactly, but still . . .

Thanks for your input.

[Polliwog]

The "confident and "charming" part are kind of worrisome. Children with attachment problems can appear to be both to outsiders while at home be completely different.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean

They have been pretty open about it, actually, but even what they say seems normal to me. "We tell him not to touch the stove, and he touches it . . ." That, while frustrating, seems like fairly normal behavior for his age. It very much seems like a boy-girl thing..

Once again, this can be a warning sign. It can be normal for a kid to be defiant, but for my daughter, it is the most joyous thing in her life. And this doesn't mean he has insurmountable problems, but it could mean your family members are impatient with him because they are exhausted by the behavior.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean

I basically did have a conversation about this with the mom. To her credit, she didn't seem angry. She was trying to explain it the way others do here--that there is a lot that we don't see.

Well, there is your answer. Is there a reason you think she is lying?

[lauren]

I am not suggesting that the child has reactive attachment disorder, but it may be helpful for you to read something like this.

http://www.center4familydevelop.com/helpteachrad.htm

You're not a teacher, you're a concerned family member. There is a lot to learn about these issues. It may be most helpful to your family member--if you begin to understand more what they might be going through.

[pumpkingirl71]

Thanks for posting this Lauren : ) I think the best way to support any child in this situation is to support the parents.

[Skeezix]

Originally Posted by lauren

I am not suggesting that the child has reactive attachment disorder, but it may be helpful for you to read something like this.

http://www.center4familydevelop.com/helpteachrad.htm

You're not a teacher, you're a concerned family member. There is a lot to learn about these issues. It may be most helpful to your family member--if you begin to understand more what they might be going through.

Delurking . . . .

http://nospank.net/njasp.htm

[RedOakMomma]

It can take a very long time to fully bond with a child. The fact that this child came home as an older child, and that the mother says there's a lot that outsiders don't see makes me feel VERY sympathetic toward the parents. I wouldn't put any judgment or pressure on them at all...they probably just need time and support in order to work on and complete the bonding process.

For some perspective, our dd came home at 9.5 months and--2 years+ later--we are STILL making progress on bonding. So she was younger AND we've had more time than your friends have had, but STILL I would say we're a work in progress. There is progress , it's just slow.

...and for what it's worth, others describe our daughter as very charming and adorable, etc. etc. etc. All of that is true. BUT, at home, she is a challenging little personality with a lot of button-pushing issues. It could be just personality. It could be attachment-related (thankfully, we're seeing progress). It could be adoption-related. It's mild enough that we haven't pursued help. But we HAVE found immense comfort in being able to be open and honest with our friends (adoptive families and otherwise) about the true state of our relationship. If we had encountered judgment from people, that would have been tough. Sometimes when you're slogging it out with a child (before you really fall in love), it can be a long lonely road.

This site might really help you understand the scope of what it's like: http://a4everfamily.org/index.php

Information for family and friends of adoptive families: http://a4everfamily.org/index.php?op...d=30&Itemid=90

Dos and don't for friends and families: http://a4everfamily.org/index.php?op...d=93&Itemid=90

[lauren]

Skeezix, I'm not sure if you are a planning to be a regular member here with this one post. Most of us here are aware that there are a number of fringe sites out there that say a lot about attachment disorders, and then there are some good solid sites, also listed in our sticky. The fringe sites recommend some controversial and/or harmful interventions for children. I would never link to a fringe site that recommends harmful interventions. Thanks for your concern.

[Armom]

I think there are so many different explanations/understandings/reasons for what you are seeing, and there is no way for you to know which of the possibilities are true. I agree there are some statements you make (about the positives you see in this child) that would make me wonder about attachment difficulties, that on the other hand it hasn't been long in terms of attachment, and the list could go on and on.

I am wondering if what would be best would be for you to ask open-ended non-judgmental questions of your friend and let her know that you are a supportive ear/sounding board for her. For example, "Hmmn, your ds has been home for about a year now, right? How has it been for you? Or "Does it feel like its been a year to you?" Things along those lines.

My daughter was home at 11 mos. She and I bonded very quickly, but nevertheless she did have some significant behavioral and attachment-related issues (for several years) that she never exhibited in public. She acted like the perfect angel, and home was quite another story. Everyone talked about how mellow she was, etc, and no one believed me when I told them differently. It would have been great to have someone who truly listened/believed what I had to say...and how things were not what they seemed to be.