did you get "lazy" after the first one?

[taramoon13]

i just worded the title as simply as possible, please don't be offended. i'm just asking because i've met sooo many moms with more than 1 child who see how healthy i feed ds, extended breastfeeding, no tv, etc. and just say "oh, that's how i was when i had my first one too and after that i said forget it". i am expecting my second now and dh & i are proud of how we've brought up ds so far and of course plan to do the same with the second. most everyone on here is SO inspiring to me and seems so committed to their ways of parenting (with multiple children) and i'm just wondering if the people i talk to are just full of it as far as their ideas of being healthy, etc.

[chaoticzenmom]

LOL, It's not lazy. It's more relaxed. When I had my first, I wanted everything to be perfect and I put a lot of energy into making it that way. Once I had my 2nd...3rd...and then 4th, I realized that perfect isn't really ideal. There's only one me and 4 of them. I cannot be "on" all of the time for everyone else. My ideals change too, so I tend to be more relaxed with them, knowing how much I've changed and that likely, this thing I find so important will probably not be as important to me in a year.

I still try to read to my kids nightly. I extended breastfed all of them. I carried all of them, co-slept. I never had food ideals to obsess over, but we eat at home at the table for most meals...never not at a table and pretty healthy. There are some things that you do that are just "your style." Those won't change. Things you do or don't do out of fear may change...which can be really good.

Also...Don't compare yourself to mothers you know online. I know several MDC moms in real life and they're all normal, flawed moms just like me...just like you. Don't think that everyone else has got it all together and you don't. It's not healthy and it's not true.

Congratulations on your pregnancy
Lisa

[Tigerchild]

Well, I did have a lot of the Holier-Than-Thou-Art-AP beaten out of me when I had twins 17 months after my (easy, portable, laid back) firstborn. The universe rubbed my face in every uncharitable thought I ever had about "Those Other Moms".

I am not sure if having to modify one's ways of doing things can be counted as lazy when it's mostly do to crowd control and sleep deprivation and more urgent time management. But from the outside in--if once you knitted all your kid's diapers, and grew and ground your own wheat flour from your own garden wheat and when you've got two you decide to buy organic flour at the store instead and buy some dipes online--that looks like you've gotten "lazier" too. When in actuality, you've just had to shift your priorites a bit.

I also found that I was a heck of a lot more confident and assertive mom after round two made it past 5 months and I was no longer brain dead from total lack of sleep. So I felt more at least experimenting with what I really needed and wanted, because I no longer felt like I had anything to prove to other people.

I guess I have a different impression of MDC. I've been here 10 years (freakin' scary, isn't it?). If it truly was all about the perfectly perfect people showing off how you too can be perfectly perfect granola--I would have dumped it after I didn't need to have a front. What I see (and don't get me wrong, from time to time there are insufferably perfectly perfect threads) is a lot of keeping it real as well. I think perhaps if you try to focus away from the ZOMG YOU USED A STROLLER?!?!?!?! ZOMG MCDONALD HAMBURGER DEATH OH NOOOOEEEESS! stuff that occasionally pops up and look at the stories of the real moms who do try their best to balance healthy living, gentle parenting, and respect for their kids (and our very diverse interpretations of all those thigns) and their successes AND failures AND frustrations AND joys...you may feel better.

There are going to be times where everything is just clicking and you are on top of the world. And others where you feel like you've fallen on your face. I mean you have already experienced that with one, right? It's not going to be THAT much different with two. And pretty much no matter what happens to you at any given moment, you will find at least one MDCer who has been right where you are (if they aren't currently there) and can offer you support!

[Joyster]

I agree with PP, relaxed is a great way of putting it. With my first, all baby food was made by me, pureed like crazy and seasoned just so. His food was religiously monitored. With number two, I made the food, but it was mashed with a fork into tiny bits and he pretty much ate what we ate. He's the far less picky eater of the two though.

I think you begin to become more forgiving of yourself for less than perfect parent moments the more you have. You're outnumbered, you're often playing a defensive game, so if I don't dilute the juice because I'm out of time or exhausted or just need to get them out of my hair so I can cook dinner, I'm not as likely to beat myself up over it. We still have our core beliefs, and try to stick to them as much as possible, but some days you trip and you cannot afford the time to sit and analyze why, you just have to dust yourself off and do better the next time.

[Bokonon]

I'm lazier...but more accurately pressed for time, LOL. I don't feel like I have shortchanged DD when compared to DS, but she is a much more high needs child than he was. We co-slept with her longer, I've worn her longer and more often than I did DS, I plan on nursing her about as long (he weaned at 22 months and I'm going to try to get to 2 years if she doesn't self-wean first)...We're eating more organic foods now, but that's a conscious choice for our whole family.

ITA with the PPs that you're more in survival mode at times with more than 1 kid. Good enough sometimes has to suffice, but that doesn't mean that every mom sacrifices what she values most when she's struggling. I didn't CD with DS but I started with DD, when I have even less time to spare. But I enjoy it and it's important to me. Extended breastfeeding isn't an option for me. It's something I've always been committed to (and fortunately I've been able to succeed at).

But some things slide. I don't sing or read to #2 nearly as much as I did with DS. I don't work on teaching her the alphabet like I did with him. But she gets many things he didn't have, like the love and affection of a big sibling, and the confidence and experience of BTDT parents.

[MamaChicken]

I am way more laid back and YES I would even say "lazy" with 3 under 3. "Pick your battles" has all new meaning. If no one is drawing blood, breaking things or driving me batty then we are doing dang good. DH also learned that a crying baby isn't the end of the world and I don't need to rush home from work just because one of the kids is cranky (which he did when we only had one).

When DS1 was little, I "couldn't" cook, sew, read a book, etc. I discovered how to do all those things after my twins were born but it did mean letting go of some of my ideal child rearing ideas. My priorities are definately different now.

[mamadelbosque]

Yeah, another vote for not neccasarily 'lazy' but more relaxed/laid back, definetly! The firs titme around, you tend to be obsessed w/ doing everything "perfect"... and then when #2 comes along, your more like 'whatever, if they have non-organic whatever or mcdonalds once in a while, its *not* the end of the world and the *won't* die" yk? Its just relaxing about everything.

[Bellabaz]

I think relaxed is more of the reality. If no tv is your family lifestyle then that probably won't change. But if you are going on day 5 of 3 hours of sleep per night and dc1 is throwing a tantrum after you just got dc2 down for a nap and you really want a shower, then a curious george dvd might just make its way into the player =).

I think its really normal to want everything perfect for the first. Then you realize perfect isn't realistic 100% if the time and you also realize no one ever died from eating a french fry or having a cookie once in awhile and you just chill out, give them a cookie and enjoy your coffee.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

[baltic_ballet]

I agree with what other mums have said about becoming more relaxed with your second baby as the workload greatly increases so you don't have the same amount of time to worry - I remember with my first, I wanted everything to be perfect and controlled, I was sterilizing like crazy, checking his nappies every hour, stressing about nursing, milk quality, was he eating enough, was he getting enough sleep, was he cold, was he hot, changing his clothes every time they got even the tiniest bit dirty and checking he was still breathing throughout the night and it really frazzled me and created a lot more work. With subsequent babies I relaxed and wasn't as stressed about every little detail.

[Marisgirl]

I'm definitely more relaxed and my 10 yo ds is really taking advantage of it! LOL! He was totally on a "stricter" regimen than I feel that I have my dd on now. It can also be that I really am a full time SAHM with her, while in a way I was with him (full time college student, and worked part time) I feel that my priorities have indeed shifted. I still read, I still make sure that they both have limited amounts of time with television and "useless brain activity (to me) but with my dd, my energy level is WAY lower and now being pregnant with twins, my energy is almost non existent. I am hoping that after the twins come I can recover SOME of my mojo and get this house in better order.

[DevaMajka]

I'm way less lazy now with ds2, in a "get off my butt and actually do something" sense. Ds1 wanted held all the time, and my only carrier hurt my back. So I sat a lot

As far as parenting, though, I was more or less relaxed with ds1, and am about the same with ds2. Some priorities have shifted, but I'd say overall it's about the same. With both I did baby led solids, so very little purees. With ds1, I made the purees, with ds2 I bought them (all 3 jars lol). I'm more picky about what ds2 eats than I was with ds1 at his age, though. I changed ds1's cd whenever I thought about it (every couple hours, I guess) and ds2 I change as soon as he's wet.

re: Extended bf, I'm doing it again this time. It's just something that I knew I would do, and wasn't going to compromise on, kwim? (And truth be told, I think it makes my life easier. lol)

I did get a little "lazier" with discipline. With ds1, I tried to be CL and very rarely did anyting that made him upset. That seems like it would be soooo much work with ds2! But I'm heading that way, because I do actually think it will make things easier in the long run.

[mumkimum]

Well, in regards to the specific things you bring up (diet, tv, bf) that hasn't really been stuff that we've changed the way we do stuff with our dd2. There are other things that aren't so intense this time around and I attribute that to my confidence and experience with dd2, and her different personality (waaaay less intense than dd1).

In a way, we'll probably end up less rigid on some things as she gets older and all - but she'll also be growing up seeing another kid doing this/not doing that and have that example of 'how to be' in our household that we don't have to come up with out of nowhere and that will, I'm sure, make parenting able to be a little 'lazier'.

I think some of what you hear from other people is that they might not have really been into these things and it wasn't really important how they went about them. I mean, lots of dh's friends said 'oh, cloth diapering will be gone in like a week for you. . .' which isn't true at all for us, because we were really into it in a fun way - it wasn't drudgery to have to cloth diaper and wash laundry and blah blah blah. If they'd been 'forced' to try it out that might have been the way it went for them because they didn't have the same views on why one would choose that instead of not.

[dawncayden]

I wouldn't call it lazy, but relaxed or 'chilled out' about things.

I am really happy for this website for setting a ground work for me to work with but I was getting a bit neurotic about how crunchy I was and even before my 2nd was born, I was trying to find our own groove and what worked for our family.

Now I live by:
Everything in moderation
Don't take life too seriously
Is it worth it
Be kind to myself

[fyrwmn]

like other mamas have said...not lazier but definitely more relaxed. i think with #1, you're going thru a learning period too. when #2 comes along, you have mor eof a handle on the day to day things, and have a better idea of what's important to you and what you are willing to let slide. and then also you have to factor in that each child has different needs and different things that work with them. with dd, i spent most of my time with her in arms (didn't really start wearing her till she was older), nursed her till 2yrs, co-slept for 2.5 months and then transitioned her to her crib because i thought it was all or nothing and i was going back to work (where i have 2 overnights a week), vaxed on schedule, started solids later on, etc. b ythe time ds came along, i had done alot of learning and researching. he was worn and co-slept from day 1, didn't even try his cri till 8 months, will hopefully nurse as long, gets delayed/selectively vaxd. i'm sure little things will change wth #3 as well.

[taramoon13]

some great replies! and yes, relaxed or chilled out is a much better term than lazy!!! you guys made me feel better because you made me realize that many of the people i talked to to were not really "into" many things i mentioned to begin with and these are things dh & i were into before we had kids, so why would they change?!!? i feel as ds has gotten older (he's almost 3) i've already gotten more laid back and i'm ok about it. so the 2nd one will be a snap right

[Alyantavid]

Definitely more relaxed. Honestly, I think people should have more than one kid just to get that other perspective.

My basic parenting hasn't changed at all, the way we eat, breastfeeding, all that is the same. But I've realized that it's much easier and more fun on all of us if everything isn't "perfect".

[choli]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Well, I did have a lot of the Holier-Than-Thou-Art-AP beaten out of me when I had twins 17 months after my (easy, portable, laid back) firstborn. The universe rubbed my face in every uncharitable thought I ever had about "Those Other Moms".

No kidding! I was seriously humbled when I had #2, and she wasn't even twins!

As a PP said, more relaxed is what I became, and frankly, I think it was better for both children.

[major_mama11]

More exhausted has certainly led to more relaxed 'round these parts! But I would say the big things have stayed the same (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing etc).

DD was a fairly easy kid. DS was one of those who screamed for a large portion of his infancy, for no apparent reason. Neither one is a great sleeper.

That resulted in being a lot more big-picture oriented, and less concerned with the details. So yes, the house is def. a lot more messy than it was when I only had one child. I let them watch kid DVDs, on a daily basis, whereas with DD, I would actually cover her eyes if there was even a TV on in the room, until she was about age 2. I have been known to feed them goldfish crackers and cheese sticks rather than an actual meal now and then.

Sometimes it is all about saving mama's sanity for a while, so mama doesn't lose it and start yelling. I would much rather lower my standards a bit on the small things, if it gets me a little break, rather than get stressed out and edgy while trying to meet my own impossible standards.

I definitely judge other parents MUCH less these days. As long as their kids are well-cared for and fed and loved, I could care less if other parents parent the same way I do or not.

[AllisonR]

Interesting replies. Personally, I don't think I became more lazy in any way after #2, because I had a newborn and a just turned 2 yo and I didn't have the time or luxury to be lazy. If we were going to eat, I needed to get some food on the table, or we would starve. On the other hand, it didn't have to be a proper 3 course meal.

What I did become after #2 was a much more confident momma. I made my decisions, the best I could at that specific point in time. In retrospect, not all of them were the best decisions, but they were the most reasonable and practical at the time. This was something to be proud of, not to beat myself up over. I cut myself some slack, and maybe because of this, I could cut everyone else some slack as well.

I personally also enjoyed parenting much more. I wasn't worried about doing everything right, I was only enjoying the here and now. And I think this was better for me, and also much better for both my DS and DD.

[Norasmomma]

I wouldn't say lazy, I say I'm just more comfortable in my role as a parent and everything does not have to be perfect and kids won't end up maladjusted because they had a Capri sun at g-mas or ate some french fries.

I got slapped in the face with my DD I swore, I would NEVER, ever sleep with my baby, she'd be in crib. Thing is I had an emergency c/s after a 30 labor that was supposed to be a waterbirth-there was my first shot down. I really didn't want to get out of bed to get her, nor did I want her away from me. Hello co-sleeping. With DS we have never even set it up.

I honestly was not AP, I wasn't mainstream I just didn't know any better. I found the things that worked for our family.

We were more "on" with DD, but DUH your first kid you just are. It is a completely life-altering experience, and you want to do your very best and do everything right. Thing is there is a "right" way for everyone, and what works for one may not work for another. I live in an uber-crunchy area, I often feel I'm not crunchy enough, but who cares? I feed my kids garden grown veggies and yeah I let my 10 month old have a taste of ice cream last night.

I guess I've learned that for me the best way to raise my kids is to do it my own way, be it letting my almost 4 year old watch a DVD for a sanity moment or giving my 10 month old a taste of ice cream because he's screaming about it, I just want them to be happy-and that goes for all of us.