did you get "lazy" after the first one? - Page 2

[cappuccinosmom]

The word is "relaxed" and yes I did.

[mama_ani]

Not after my second or third but with my fourth I definitely got more relaxed (aka lazy per the thread title.) I drove myself insane trying to be the "perfect" AP parent to three kids born in just over 2.5 years.
8 years after my third was born I had my son and realized I wanted to enjoy my kids and not be constantly stressed trying to do everything "right."
I'm definitely enjoying my youngest two a lot more now that I'm relaxed and realize there is very little in life that will cause irreparable damage.

[AbbieB]

My first child was/is extremely high needs. She also has the persistence to demand that her needs get met.

My second is so very mellow that I often feel like I am lazier with him. But in reality, he just has different, much easier to meet, needs.

Both kids eat are fed the same, extended breastfeeding and child led weaning. They have very different interests in food, DD will eat anything and DS is a natural vegetarian (and our family loves meat.) I often cook a little something extra now so there is something for everyone.

Both kids co-sleep in the family bed. DD loves to snuggle and has to be in the middle. DS often crawls onto the floor or the extra mattress next to the bed. He likes his space.

DD was in cloth diapers, DS is not, but that was because he screamed the second he would wet and I just could not see him be that miserable every thirty minutes so he wears disposables that keep him feeling dryer. He still fusses when he wets but there is no screaming.

Both kids wear worn as much as possible when out and about. I was pretty anti-stroller with DD. At 14 months I bought a stroller for DS and didn't look back. I still wore him at times but my back was just not having it. He is just now walking at 2 1/2 (developmental delay) so I knew we would be using a stroller at some point. DS definitely got more baby wearing snuggle time the first 12 months than DD, I was better at it by then. He also was out and about more the first year than DD was so it's just how it worked out.

DD has had more park and play group time than DS. Mostly this is just a matter of living in a different place and having a different social situation. I feel bad about this, but I know I made the effort to find an appropriate group so I don't feel guilty that it has not been the same.

Having a second child DOES change the way you parent, simply because there is still only one of you and there are more demands on you. But I do not think this means that you need to abandon your core parenting values.

I think than when people make backhanded criticisms about natural parenting (like, "Well that is all well and good when you only have one, but when you have 2...") they really do not have the same parenting values, and maybe even feel a little guilty about there own choices. It's not like its any harder to feed a child an apple or some grapes than to open up a package of fruit roll ups or kraft singles, KWIM?

[SubliminalDarkness]

Actually no, opposite. With my second, I was more educated and more prepared, and it was parenting times 10 compared to DS1.

[Peony]

Yes, lazy, relaxed, whatever you want to call it. I do the things that are important to me, and don't worry about the rest. When you have 3 children, one of who is a toddler who wants mama, the baby needs a nap, you bet I will attempt to bride the toddler with a movie long enough to lay the baby down instead of enduring hours of a screaming, cranky DS later on. We were off all day today in a different city across the state, the one child me would of stopped by a store last night after getting to the hotel, carefully prepared a cooler full of snacks to bring along. Instead I bought food along through out the day, sure it meant my 1y had a popsicle and DD2 ate a hotdog, but it also meant that a tired momma got to "sleep in" until 7am. We do what we have to in this house to survive each day, what ever that might be.

[SkyMomma]

I'm definately more lazy and relaxed about certain things. Extended BF, cloth diapering, no tv, (generally) healthy food is still there, but the house is SO much messier! I mean ridiculously more messy. And when I had only 1, I did have this little spot of judgement for the messier houses of my friends with more (this nasty little internal voice saying, "well if they just cleaned WITH their kids the way DS1 cleans with me...") Shame on me.

Now I've got two high needs, spirited, high energy, mama-attached boys - there are days (weeks!) when I take any spare moment I can to take care of myself (read, call a friend, sleep, take a shower), rather than take care of anything around the house. DS2 likes to do laundry and wash dishes, the floor, etc. But most of all he likes to follow me around as I put things away & take them out again. And he HATES the vaccuum. So I don't.

I also think there are ways that simply having an older child in the house creates a different experience for DS2 than DS1 had at this age. DS1 didn't tast chocolate until he was 2 (thanks to his aunties!), but DS1 has had a taste at 21 months because DS1 had some. There are a few other examples - like 'karate' moves - that I felt strongly about protecting DS1 from as a toddler that he now introduces his little brother too. I'm still figuring all that out - how to 'protect' DS2s toddlerhood, while still respecting DS1's need to explore more mature themes.

[phathui5]

I did get more relaxed after kids #3 and #4. With the first two, I was very rigid about what they could eat and about not using the TV when they could see it. I have relaxed about letting them choose more of what they want to eat and letting them watch TV and play video games.

Breastfeeding was not something that changed. All four of my children have nursed 3-4 years each. Kids #1 and #3 were a little over four years old when they weaned, kid #2 was 3 years and ten months and kid #4 is three and still nursing.

[teachma]

i agree with much of what other posters have said about "more laid back" being the accurate description. I have held onto those core, important aspects (to me) of parenting such as extended nursing, co-sleeping, and respecting my children's thoughts and feelings...much of the rest has gone by the wayside, unbelievably to the advantage of my subsequent children, who benefit from a mellower household and family experience.

[TerraNoelle]

Love all these replies and the great humor that hits the nail on the head

For me it wasn't so much lazy either as not so scared or fretting. With my second I actually became more stringent in certain areas [i.e.-breastfeeding. Was I ever naive and dumb with my first. I was committed to making it work the 2nd time around and knowing more. And I did. Now I've been nursing for 2 years and doing CLW.] I also continued to adamantly bedshare, babywear, use gentle guidance, etc [though I did use a ZOMG stroller from time to time too ]. I actually at one point was able to afford a bit more organic with baby #2. But I still made pretty much all my own food like I did with the first.

What I did relax on was freaking out over every little fall, checking that they were breathing every 1/2 hour. I kid you not, with my first son, I LITERALLY woke myself up every 1/2 hour for the first SIX months of his life to make sure he was alive! I was TERRIFIED of SIDS. I actually had anxiety over it and had to go to a few counseling sessions!

I don't freak out so much when they bump there heads/hurt themselves. I respond compassionately of course and make sure there is not real damage, but I don't hover right over them anymore

And it's not the end of the world when I do grab my boys the occasional happy meal as a treat. I don't like what's in it but once a month is going to be fine and they love to go sit inside and enjoy their food and toy.

[Heavenly]

I wouldn't call it lazy at all but yes, things changed a lot between #1 and #2 and especially between #2 and #3. I don't consider it laziness, I consider it being realistic and more relaxed. With my first he didn't have sugar at all until he was over 2. With my 3rd she had two older siblings so yeah, she had treats and things that the first didn't. And same with the tv - no tv at all for #1 until he was over 2. #3....not so much. I am not trying to make you feel bad but, yes, you will change as a mother and realize that alot of the things you deemed to be soooooo important are not really as imporant as you thought. For me things like breastfeeding, cloth diapering, not CIO and such - my ideals did not change about that. But #3 had bottles and we used sposies while travelling. I mean this in the nicest way possible but I always give a little chuckle when I hear moms of 1 child saying they will NEVER change how they do things because I was that mom. I KNEW without a doubt that I would always feel the way I did right then. Well 3 kids gave me a reality check, and you know what? I think I'm a better mom for it.

ETA: I forgot to add that with my first I didn't have baby seats, baby swings, stroller, etc. I was determined to be the perfect crunchy mom. With #2 I was a bit more relaxed but still didn't have all those items. With #3 reality hit! I only have 2 hands and there were 3 kids. Plus I developed severe fibromyalgia after #3 so I couldn't use baby carriers. So she used all of the *gasp* evil baby items I had tried so hard to avoid and it was fine. Didn't damage her at all.

[Qestia]

haven't read all the replies but I want to chime in that I don't think lazier = less AP. With my first we didn't cosleep till he was 6 months and I gave up on bfing right away. with my 2nd I'm stil nursing her (she's almost 2) and we've coslpet from day one--and I kind of consider those the lazier options, bfing is definitely easier than bottle feeding, cosleeping is easier than teaching her to fall asleep on her own. we are more relaxed about tv, some junk food, but I really think we're better parents this time around because we're more relaxed.

[loraxc]

Well, a bit. DS got sweets earlier than DD (because he was going to older kids' birthday parties with her, mainly, and going for ice cream with all of us) and he watches more TV than she did (but she watched zero, so that isn't saying much).

I also worry a lot less about DS, but then, he is a really different kid. Some of that may be the second-kid thing, but I think it's more a personality thing.

[ErinYay]

Heck, we only have one so far and I'm way, way more "relaxed" than I was during pregnancy/ newbornhood.

We joke that our family will be much like mine growing up- my younger sister and I (18 months apart) didn't watch any tv til 5ish, had periods of NO sugar, hardly ever had fast food, had soda once in a blue moon, etc. And my mom subscribed to Mothering, or, as my dad called it, That Magazine With All The Placenta Recipes.

Fast forward from 1980 (when I was born) to 1989 (when my little brother was born.) 5 kids later, and none of the "hippie-dippie" (source: my dad) stuff stuck. We'd have to bring the boy Little Debbie snacks to eat while he watched tv- he'd lay on the floor in front of it, about 2' away, and change the channels with his toes!

(In all honesty, the boy was arguably raised more AP than the rest of us- he wasn't circ'd, he was BF'd til almost 3, etc.)

It is funny how priorities do change, though!

[earthworm]

I am definitely more relaxed, though my version of relaxed is different.
With my first I was sososo terrified of what other people thought because it was an obviously accidental pregnancy and we were treated like total idiots from the start. All of the negative comments about natural birth, cloth diapering, making your own baby food, etc (we do not live in an AP-friendly area at all) got to me. So I didn't try or barely tried with a lot of things because I feared failure.
With my second, I am much more relaxed about all that negativity. It is still there, but I'm not (too) afraid to say, "Yeah, that's great but I think we'll be trying this for our family." And sometimes I'm even more like, "TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!" in my head though I do try to keep that to a minimum, haha. So we have actually ended up doing more AP/natural type stuff this time around. I do find it less work than not doing what I want to do and being worried about what other people think all the time, heh.

[mumkimum]

Originally Posted by ErinYay

Mothering, or, as my dad called it, That Magazine With All The Placenta Recipes.

(good one)

[CI Mama]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

Definitely more relaxed. Honestly, I think people should have more than one kid just to get that other perspective.

I wish I could get that perspective with my only child!

[confustication]

Lazy? No, I've got three children... and the house is still standing.. lazy isn't a good word. Relaxed? No, not so much- that would mean I had time to take a whole bath without someone coming in in need of something.

Different? Absolutely. Being a parent is as much about growth of the parent as it is the child.