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What would you to a MIL who says she can not visit very often because you work? - Page 9

post #161 of 186
I think the OP has a ton of resentement towards her husband for NOT holding up his end of the bargain about her staying at home. Then his mother has to throw it in her face as a reason her grandchild received less love and affection from her compared to his cousins. It stings like I cant even imagine.

Micro-analyze the situation all you want, but this is about the brass tacks of it, i believe.
post #162 of 186
I thought he never wanted her to stay home in the first place? Maybe I'm remembering wrong.
post #163 of 186
If I remember correctly.............

Before they had children, they talked about it, and he agreed, at the time, that it was the best thing to do. She saved her BUTT off and stayed home for the first two years, and he gave her the hardest time about it. When the money she saved ran out, he would not conform to working harder to increase pay or even ask to get PAID for working OVERTIME he was infact actually putting in! He played her, told her everything she wanted to hear until it was time to deliver. Then he wanted nothing to do with any of it.

OP, am I close?
post #164 of 186
I haven't read the whole tread so I apologize if I'm repeating something . . . .

When you did sah, TIN, did your in-laws come visit more frequently? If not, then this is clearly a random excuse your MIL came up with on the spot and I wouldn't focus on it as a cause of anything at all.

My suspicion is that their failure to visit mostly has to do with the tension in your home. Whether or not your in-laws take sides, the tension between you and your not-so-dh must be pretty palpable. No one wants to be in a tense environment, especially when coupled with what you described up thread as a fairly minimalistic/uncomfortable furnishing situation (lack of chairs because your DH broke them during a temper tantrum, no sofa, etc.) I'm also wondering if it's just harder for them to deal with your DC because of his/her special needs?

I'm not in any way excusing their behavior. My in laws spend far more time with their other grandkids than my DS. It hurts, it sucks, and it's unfair. But I can't do anything about it other than the things I've done (tried to facilitate more visits, keeping them updated about DS, asking them what we can do to foster more visits, etc.). I hurt for him, but I can't *make* them show more of an active interest in him.

I know it's easier said than done, but I would stop focusing on the WOH vs SAH thing. It's a red herring. I'd also stop focusing on feeling angry or resentful at them. It will only eat up your mental and emotional energy and distract you from the hard work of making your life better.

You had mentioned looking for apartments a while ago. How's that going?
post #165 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
I can't help picking up that really for you this is all coming down to money more than anything else. You resent that your Dh does not earn enough for you to stay at home. You resent that your SIL can stay at home. You resent that your inlaws don't somehow contribute enough to your family for you to stay at home.

And then, your MIL makes the comment about visiting your SIL more because she stays at home, and it's like throwing a match into a barrell of oil that's already been simmering and seething for years....
Well...no, not really.

I like working. I like my career. I'm proud of what I've done, the skills I have, the projects I've worked on, the retirement I have. There is a lot of personal fulfillment and professional pride, not to mention a sense of contributing to something larger than me, larger than my own little family/household. I love that.

Even if my husband made mega bucks and money was not a worry at all, I'm not sure I'd stay at home, at least not forever.

What I don't like is working and raising a child, particularly a special needs child, all on my own, without any sort of village, as a complete island. It's not fun. It's sleepless. It's tiring. And it makes being good in my career well, really, really tricky. For instance, all the mothers I work with have pretty decent support systems. It makes me look like a whiner when I can't travel for work like they can, when I can't put in long hours, or work overtime, or attend a meeting spur of the moment. There's an awesome article in today's New York Times about working mothers and why they haven't shattered the glass ceiling...I felt like it summed up how I feel about work and raising a kid. I'm basially treading water and it's so hard to keep from drowning.

I don't resent my SIL. She has nothing to do with my life and vice versa. She's not career oriented and never has been. She has a much different path in life.

I do resent MIL. Hell to the yeah. Yes, I do. She is unfair (to me and to my son, the latter of which I find completely unacceptable).

I need help. My child needs more than just me and DH to love him. MIL is a big empty bucket of excuses, but the bucket for SIL and BIL is full and always replenished.
post #166 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
I think the OP has a ton of resentement towards her husband for NOT holding up his end of the bargain about her staying at home. Then his mother has to throw it in her face as a reason her grandchild received less love and affection from her compared to his cousins. It stings like I cant even imagine.

Micro-analyze the situation all you want, but this is about the brass tacks of it, i believe.
Yes. But not in an extreme way. It's disappointment. Disappointment that he can't / won't be a provider and can't / won't balance two careers. I mean, what's left after those two options? The status quo? The status quo sucks and doesn't work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolar2 View Post
I thought he never wanted her to stay home in the first place? Maybe I'm remembering wrong.
He agreed it was the "best choice" early on, long before kids, when he thought it was never going to be a reality. He also said he'd "deliver pizzas on the side to make it happen" again long before he was actually put to the test. I think DH always saw me as someone who would not need him to be a provider, and perhaps that is why he wanted to marry me, partly, because it took the burden and stress off of him.

No, he never wanted me to stay at home, ever, but he was not always so blunt and clear cut in his language. He sort of beat around the bush for a few years, probably to make himself seem more sensitive and supportive than he really felt. I think he never thought I would give up a career, however short term, for a baby.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
If I remember correctly.............

Before they had children, they talked about it, and he agreed, at the time, that it was the best thing to do. She saved her BUTT off and stayed home for the first two years, and he gave her the hardest time about it. When the money she saved ran out, he would not conform to working harder to increase pay or even ask to get PAID for working OVERTIME he was infact actually putting in! He played her, told her everything she wanted to hear until it was time to deliver. Then he wanted nothing to do with any of it.

OP, am I close?
Wow. Yes, unbelievably close. Thanks for listening.
post #167 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post
When you did sah, TIN, did your in-laws come visit more frequently? If not, then this is clearly a random excuse your MIL came up with on the spot and I wouldn't focus on it as a cause of anything at all.
Good question.

The answer is NO! No, MIL and FIL did not visit more frequently or for longer amounts of time when I was a SAHM. For two years. They visited the same amount then.

Nothing has changed at all in their behavior from good marriage to rockier marriage. From SAHM to WOHM. Nothing. They visit completely the same and that is not very much, and not very often.

In fact, it is the same for SIL. MIL and FIL visited SIL and BIL the same when SIL worked and when SIL stayed home.

So, yeah, MIL is full of BS and hot air. She's not factually correct at all.
post #168 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
Good question.

The answer is NO! No, MIL and FIL did not visit more frequently or for longer amounts of time when I was a SAHM. For two years. They visited the same amount then.

Nothing has changed at all in their behavior from good marriage to rockier marriage. From SAHM to WOHM. Nothing. They visit completely the same and that is not very much, and not very often.

In fact, it is the same for SIL. MIL and FIL visited SIL and BIL the same when SIL worked and when SIL stayed home.

So, yeah, MIL is full of BS and hot air. She's not factually correct at all.
OH mama! What on EARTH are you doing up at 1:30 am!?!?!?! When do you SLEEP??!?!?!

Is it me, or are your posts getting angrier and angrier? I think its good. Being angry about it puts it into perspective for you, so you arent himming and hawing over whether or not its normal or even right.

I would jump at the chance to be a part of your village. And that is NO JOKE. Empty words, I know, since I believe we live no where near eachother, but I really really would. I swear!
post #169 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
OH mama! What on EARTH are you doing up at 1:30 am!?!?!?! When do you SLEEP??!?!?!

Is it me, or are your posts getting angrier and angrier? I think its good. Being angry about it puts it into perspective for you, so you arent himming and hawing over whether or not its normal or even right.

I would jump at the chance to be a part of your village. And that is NO JOKE. Empty words, I know, since I believe we live no where near eachother, but I really really would. I swear!


1:30 am is when I get quiet time to do work. When you work part time in the office and part time from home, and add in more hours, work falls into the "after child goes to bed" range. I get a lot of good work done when the house is quiet and my mind can focus.

It's also a time to throw in a load of laundry, run the dishes uninterrupted, clean up...basically everything but vacuum, which would wake up a sleeping-at-last child.

No, my posts aren't getting angrier. If anything, I've not thought of my MIL and her BS comments in many days now, except to check posts last night quickly while a file was uploading for work.

I guess I'm serious when I say I really need more help and it seems like MIL is letting us down since she is so able and willing to help her other grandchildren.

I'm working a pretty difficult and demanding job (for me, anyway, probably for most...I don't know...), trying to keep my career going, trying to bring in more money to save for a better and brighter future, pay the bills, provide a decent life for my kid, help others when I can, and keep my household running. It's tough!

There simply aren't enough hours during the day. I don't stay up past 1:30 am every night, but a few times a week I definitely do and have for the past couple of years. It's the only way to stay on top of projects at work and laundry and dishes at home.

I need that quiet time.

I go to work and the time is mostly filled with meetings. I can't actually get anything done. Not like real work products anyway. So I hammer out those in the wee hours a couple of times a week. It's when I do my best work...just like in college. It's the quiet and the uninterrupted focus.

I guess if I had a babysitter (DH?? More flexible work hours??) or village (MIL??) or more money (to buy more daycare during the week or weekends...) I could rearrange the schedule. That's sort of what the post is about.

Like I said, I'm treading water as fast as I can to keep everything going, and so we don't drown. Stop treading and things sink quickly.

By the way, everyone, there is a great article in the Wednesday New York Times business section about working mothers. It starts with an example from the Supreme Court - how the last three or so male judges have all had large families of 5 or more children and how the last three female nominees have been childless. It's a good article about how working moms have not made the same strides as men with children or women with no children. I think it about sums up my life.
post #170 of 186
It sounds like she doesn't want to do "the work" of a young family. She doesn't want to babysit/do you dishes/do the laundry/do weekend/whatever it is that you seem to need or expect. Either she resents being viewed as a source of free labor or she likes the other family more than she likes your family, probably both. I don't think she is obligated to do these things, either.

Working full time and raising a family and keeping a house is very, very hard work. It just is. But I don't think it any one else's responsibility to do it for me or mine.

Personally, I saw good riddance. I have the opposite problem where MIL constantly offers to do everything in an extremely creepy want-to-be the wife kind of way.
post #171 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JudiAU View Post
I have the opposite problem where MIL constantly offers to do everything in an extremely creepy want-to-be the wife kind of way.


Eeek. That sounds worse. That would be weird.

Thankfully, my MIL has never been that way. She can be a little weird about her son, though (DH). She spends a lot of time telling my child (the grandson) that daddy is her baby. Once or twice is fine. When it's 10 times a visit, it is sort of weird.
post #172 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JudiAU View Post
It sounds like she doesn't want to do "the work" of a young family. She doesn't want to babysit/do you dishes/do the laundry/do weekend/whatever it is that you seem to need or expect. Either she resents being viewed as a source of free labor or she likes the other family more than she likes your family, probably both. I don't think she is obligated to do these things, either.
Just to be clear, I don't think she's obligated, either.

But she does do "the work" things - babysitting, etc - for the other family and the kids in that family are the same age as my child. So she does show interest there, at least, for those activities.

I honestly don't think she likes the other family better, though. I think she likes their place better.
post #173 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JudiAU View Post
Working full time and raising a family and keeping a house is very, very hard work. It just is. But I don't think it any one else's responsibility to do it for me or mine.
I completely agree. I don't think it's anyone else's responsibilty. I just think MIL ought to be fair. But what someone ought to do is my opinion, not my choice.



Also, just to be clear since it was mentioned earlier, I want to say that I do not necessarily want to be or long to be a SAHM.

I enjoy my career. I'm proud of it. I like working. I like my boss and co-workers. I like being a professional. I get a lot of self-satisfaction from doing a good job, finishing a project, and contributing to something larger than my life and my family.

Ideally, I would work and DH would help me balance rather than DH making more money and supporting me. I'd much prefer the first scenario.

But that ain't gonna happen with this man.

It's not working I dislike. It's the juggle. It's the laundry I don't have time to do. The dishes I don't have time for. The lack of sleep. The working in my "off" hours to catch up on things. The travel that is always challenging. The running here and there. The not having much help from anyone and having all these responsiblities. That's what I don't like.

Once I'm at my desk, zipping through work, I'm fine. When I sit at work and get into discussions about the project with my boss, it's great, actually. I love it most days. It's the stuff that happens before and after work, and how I feel constantly unprepared for everything: no clean clothes, didn't get groceries and there's nothing for dinner, and no clean dishes, didn't have time to vacuum, missed another field trip or school event, my kid is sick and I take him to daycare anyway because he was sick last week. That's what I hate. Not working.

And I don't resent SAHMs or my SIL. I like my SIL. She chose a different path than me. Yes, she had more options, but even if I had a million in the bank, I doubt I'd SAH forever. To me, working is about more than money and benefits, although at this point it's the reason I keep going when things get tough.
post #174 of 186
Thread Starter 
Update:

I learned this past week that MIL and FIL are on a two week extended cruise, apparently.

So, it seems like they didn't include my son in any of their summer plans at all.

Since last year this time, FIL has visited three times: once for a couple of hours for a birthday party; then for a day for an early Christmas because they were going to visit the other grandkids for a week at Christmas, and then once in late winter for another day when they stayed in a hotel and met another grandchild for a exhibition. That's it in a year's time. Same for MIL except she came for a day last fall in addition. And she said she would come for a day in the spring, but we didn't work it out because I felt it wasn't enough and Grandpa wasn't even bothering to come.

So, less than 5 days total for them both in a year's time.

By contrast, they visited the other grandkids for a week last September, a week at Christmas, a week in early spring, and a week this past June. In July, they were at home because the other grandkids came to see them for a little more than a week. And now in August they are on a two week trip by themselves.

They have another week scheduled to see the other grandkids coming up.

I just feel that given their travel plans, which they would have made well in advance, they obviously had no plans or windows of time where they were going to come and visit my son for any period of time other than maybe just Grandma for a couple of hours.

In addition to that, SIL says they spend hundreds of dollars every time they go and visit them for a week.

By contrast, MIL this year so far sent $10 in DS's card for a holiday. Right now, DS has holes in his shoes as I mentioned earlier and is wearing too small of clothes and needs more than a couple of things, but we haven't had the money right now. I increased my hours at work and we should be better off at the end of the month. DH did ask MIL if she could do something for our child about this, and she said she had to talk to FIL. They discussed it and then they said they could do something, but they don't pay bills, and what would we do the next month.

DH was telling me maybe they can't afford it. (I know that they can and they certainly do that kind of thing for their other grandkids all the time).

Now with this revelation of the 2 week cruise, I feel like they could afford it, and probably more, they're just - once again - stingy with their time and money when it comes to their grandson.

I can't help feeling they are so selfish. Yes, I know it's not their responsibility to do anything for us or for their grandchild, but they lavishly spend on the other grandchildren, spend weeks with them, and obviously they can afford things if they are going on two week cruises.

Obviously, we don't enter into the picture much.
post #175 of 186
Yes, they are selfish. Unfortunately that appears to be their nature.
post #176 of 186
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolar2 View Post
Yes, they are selfish. Unfortunately that appears to be their nature.
Yes.

It's not so much I care that they go on a cruise for two weeks. I mean, they're retired, good for them, right?

It's that they go on a two week cruise, fly out all the time to visit the other grandkids for weeks, and spend maybe three days a year with my child.

It's a pittance.

And it makes their "we don't like to stay in hotels" excuse so lame!

...almost as lame as their "we can't visit our grandson because you are not a stay-at-home mom and we can visit the other grandkids because SIL doesn't work" excuse.
post #177 of 186
Think of it from your MIL's perspective:

You: "Why won't you help? Why are you neglecting my family? I've dislike you and it shows, you have no room in which to sleep, no food to eat, no couch to sit on, nothing to do, and I want you to sit in my house while I work and watch your grandson. Feel free to pay good money to stay in a cold, uncomfortable hotel if you don't like my cold, uncomfortable house. Also pay for all your food. You clearly are loaded, though you don't share it with us. Also any toys you buy for my kid will be shipped home with you, because they're not good enough for him. Also buy him new shoes."
post #178 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinYay View Post
Think of it from your MIL's perspective:

You: "Why won't you help? Why are you neglecting my family? I've dislike you and it shows, you have no room in which to sleep, no food to eat, no couch to sit on, nothing to do, and I want you to sit in my house while I work and watch your grandson. Feel free to pay good money to stay in a cold, uncomfortable hotel if you don't like my cold, uncomfortable house. Also pay for all your food. You clearly are loaded, though you don't share it with us. Also any toys you buy for my kid will be shipped home with you, because they're not good enough for him. Also buy him new shoes."

I totally agree. I am sure that OP's in-laws feel the extreme resentment from her and that is why they don't visit and I don't blame them. Add that to the expectation that they should be helping them financially, because they can afford it, so therefore they should, which is completely ridiculous. They are allowed to do whatever they want with their time and their money and if you think for a second that the reason that they don't visit has nothing to do with you then you need to do some introspective thinking.
post #179 of 186
Also they may not agree with the choice to live in such a high col area so do not feel like "supporting" it. Maybe they figure if you run out of money you'll move? We have no family and very little other support although my dh is very helpful it is stool hard ESP with two. But we stay in Houston because it's more affordable. My SIL lives in orange county and struggles. There is no way we can afford it there so we deal with the horrible weather and l
post #180 of 186
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
Update:

I learned this past week that MIL and FIL are on a two week extended cruise, apparently.

So, it seems like they didn't include my son in any of their summer plans at all.

Since last year this time, FIL has visited three times: once for a couple of hours for a birthday party; then for a day for an early Christmas because they were going to visit the other grandkids for a week at Christmas, and then once in late winter for another day when they stayed in a hotel and met another grandchild for a exhibition. That's it in a year's time. Same for MIL except she came for a day last fall in addition. And she said she would come for a day in the spring, but we didn't work it out because I felt it wasn't enough and Grandpa wasn't even bothering to come.

So, less than 5 days total for them both in a year's time.

By contrast, they visited the other grandkids for a week last September, a week at Christmas, a week in early spring, and a week this past June. In July, they were at home because the other grandkids came to see them for a little more than a week. And now in August they are on a two week trip by themselves.

They have another week scheduled to see the other grandkids coming up.

I just feel that given their travel plans, which they would have made well in advance, they obviously had no plans or windows of time where they were going to come and visit my son for any period of time other than maybe just Grandma for a couple of hours.

In addition to that, SIL says they spend hundreds of dollars every time they go and visit them for a week.

By contrast, MIL this year so far sent $10 in DS's card for a holiday. Right now, DS has holes in his shoes as I mentioned earlier and is wearing too small of clothes and needs more than a couple of things, but we haven't had the money right now. I increased my hours at work and we should be better off at the end of the month. DH did ask MIL if she could do something for our child about this, and she said she had to talk to FIL. They discussed it and then they said they could do something, but they don't pay bills, and what would we do the next month.

DH was telling me maybe they can't afford it. (I know that they can and they certainly do that kind of thing for their other grandkids all the time).

Now with this revelation of the 2 week cruise, I feel like they could afford it, and probably more, they're just - once again - stingy with their time and money when it comes to their grandson.

I can't help feeling they are so selfish. Yes, I know it's not their responsibility to do anything for us or for their grandchild, but they lavishly spend on the other grandchildren, spend weeks with them, and obviously they can afford things if they are going on two week cruises.

Obviously, we don't enter into the picture much.
They earned the money they have. They are retired and have a right to spend their money going on cruises if they want to. It might not be how you would choose to spend your money and it wouldn't appeal to me, either, but it's not our money.

It must be exhausting keeping a scorecard of how they spend their time and money and tracking everybody's movements.

I have to agree with the pps, you don't like them and I have no doubt that they are well aware of that. Why on earth would they want to spend time with you? For that matter, if you really don't like them that much and think they are such awful people, maybe it's better that they aren't in your family's life much.
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