What would you to a MIL who says she can not visit very often because you work? - Page 2

[EFmom]

I'm used to making do with no help, so maybe that colors my perceptions. I don't think that grandparents have any particular obligations to do anything.

But yes, I can see why your MIL doesn't have much interest in driving three hours if nobody is home all day. Maybe she doesn't like being alone taking care of the kids. Maybe she has a better relationship with her other SIL. Maybe that's not fair, but it's not likely to change by complaining about it.

My dad remarried a widowed woman after my mother died. They do all sorts of things with her kids, but almost nothing with his. They mostly live out of state, but spend summers here. She's not a bad person, and I think that if my dad expressed a preference for spending some time with his own grandchildren, she would be OK with that, but it would have to come from him, and it doesn't.

When I first had kids, and was working full time, I tried to invite them over for dinner on weekends. They would never come because they always had plans with her kids, and would tell me that they'd rather come in the middle of the work week. Umm, sorry, I can't work all day and have guests. It bugged me to no end.

I finally just let it all go. I stopped inviting them. We see them a few times every summer if somebody has a party. But that's it. I'm much happier now that I have no expections at all from them.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by 34me

We have no family within 1000 miles and very few friends, none I would trust to really help me with my children. I get the unfairness of it. My sister moved across the country so that she could be 1 mile from my parents so my mom could help her (we both work, she is a corporate business type while I am in recreation). I guess that's the price i and my kids pay. My MIL lives 3000 miles away and first saw my dd at 9 months, my ds#1 at six months but not again until he was 4 when she met ds#2 for the first time when he was 2. She has not been to our house in almost 17 years. Is it crappy? Yup, just as your situation is. I can't change either set of grandparents or my kids' perceptions of their grandparents. I only have control over how I deal with it.

It is hard, isn't it. I feel for you.

My MIL visits the grandkids who live 3,000 miles away MORE though. She flies to see them regularly and spends a week with them every three months or so. I wouldn't wish less for them.

Just an equal amount for us.

We live about 250 miles away or 3 hours. She almost never comes and if she does it's only for a few hours, and almost always for less than 24 hours.

[A&A]

I'd be really happy my MIL found a reason, any reason, to visit us less often.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lolar2

How are those not lies? I'm not one to say all lies are bad-- there can be good reasons for lying occasionally-- but this sounds so habitual that it's a predictable part of her personality.

DH must be getting to me. Yes, you are right. They are lies. Not like outright, lie to your face, change the truth to the opposite of what really happened.

What she is saying is inaccurate, yes. Maybe not so much a lie in the true definition.

But, yeah, definitely NOT TRUE!!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by A&A

I'd be really happy my MIL found a reason, any reason, to visit us less often.

Oh, yes, on a personal, selfish level I'm quite happy with it. If I didn't have a kid, trust me, I'm not sure I'd want her to visit and it wouldn't bother me a bit. I mean, ideally, I'd want a good relationship with a MIL, but not one so unfair and flippant and prone to illogical excuses that aren't accurately when it comes to the facts.

But, yeah, I'm not sad they aren't visiting me.

I'm sad they aren't being fair to my child, and I'm a little more harried without help, though I'm not sure she would be much help. You sort have to want to help someone to actually be of help, you know? If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to, and she's better off staying home.

Plus, she has very different ideas about the world. She's not educated, and she's definitely not understanding of AP. We had an incident long ago when she gave my newborn who was having latching issues after getting out of the NICU a pacifier when I told her not to because it would cause even more nipple confusion. That was the advice of the lactation consultant. And I woke up to find my baby had a pacifier. I was pretty livid.

Also, she was really happy when my SIL weaned at one year and MIL was pretty suspicious and dismissive that I nursed for 2.5 years. When is that going to stop? That kind of thing.

Also, I delayed solids until 7 months. She was on my case about starting cereal for a couple of months.

So, yeah, much easier without her, but not ideal for my child.

[Alyantavid]

I guess I kind of see her point, but do they really need to be entertained by you the entire time they're visiting?

My fil comes from out of state once a year for a week. Dh and I both have always had jobs when he's come to visit. During the day, he does his thing; mostly napping, reading, seeing sights, whatever. In the evenings, we're all together.

I'd assume she doesn't want to visit very badly if she lets something like your job get in the way.

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by provocativa

I think you should change your mind. She is toxic- you don't want her to bond to your kid, then he'll be caught up in her toxic cycle. I wish to point out that my in-laws are similar, and my dh has a similar history to your dh. He was abused as a child, worse by bio mom but also by stepmom and biodad, and he is verbally abusive and explosive to our family like your dh. His bio family ignores his existence, but is very involved in his brother's life and his half sisters. (His bio mom has been out of his life since he was 12). So, I am asserting in brief that the pattern of your mil ignoring you is part of the pattern which created the monster of your dh, and is similar to the pattern which created my monster dh. Jump at the chance to break your kids from their cycle of being treated as 'less than' the other grandkids.
I live in the jackass village too. My mom claims to be devoted to my kids, but only babysat for my brother's kids. My babies used to cry, why does nana love patty more. . . . I don't know what to do about it either. I really want to tell her to frack off, but I'm trying to leave my h and she might actually do some babysitting now. Sigh.

yes to the bolded. i only have one "good" grandparent. and she is the one who is now bonded and loves my kids. the others could care less, don't call, don't send cards etc but we were pretty much raised to not expect much (my parents made up for it, they knew their parents were awful to them, didn't want them etc) and its not because they hate us or anything that is just who they are. they like my cousins better and we respect that and are kind if they ever do come to visit or we speak on the phone. however we do have a running joke when my grandparents visit (they have always stayed with my uncle) that we are not the "favorites" but really we could care less!!

[Banana731]

American families kind of suck at being supportive. I wish it were different. It's not like this in any of the foreign families I've met, or even in American families heavily influenced by a "mother culture" (including my own.) I hear this stuff all the time on here, and IRL too. I think that I got lucky with my MIL, who is pretty helpful, but even so there is just something off. Like I know that my there is a line that I couldn't expect my MIL to cross in terms of helping out family, but that line doesn't exist with my family. Like I know my dh, my kids, and I could all go live with my mom (and sis and BIL and their 2 kids) in her house without a second thought. I'm talking permantly. Because to my family, that's just what you do for family, whatever you have to. But I don't think I could do that with MIL, and that's always in the back of my mind.

OP- do you think this underlying hostility is directed at you, or DH? Is the family she visits her "favorite" child's? Either way, sounds totally toxic. You guys need to circle the wagons with some good friends and make a new kind of family. Because, yeah, it totally takes a village.

[choli]

I don't expect help from the grandparents. They did their part by raising their own kids.

[Skippy918]

Maybe she feels that when she goes to the other DIL's house, it's more of a vacation because the DIL is already there taking care of the kids. Maybe she's not comfortable taking care of children by herself and she'd rather just relax.
Maybe instead of inviting them over to help you, invite them over instead to do something together as family like sightseeing or something and then see if they come. Maybe they'll be more inclined to visit if there's an activity planned.

[beansmama]

I didn't read all the replies...but from the sounds of it, it seems like you want her to come help out with the kids and you're irritated that she does that for the other grandkids...but...

Does she?

I mean, maybe she doesn't WANT to spend a weeks vacation "helping out". Maybe she wants to come see you guys with no pressure to help? Maybe she'd just like to chill and play with the grandkids and enjoy your company vs. knowing you want her to be the designated week long sitter?

I know you didn't SAY that's what you want...but you also didn't say it's not, and since you seem fixated on her needing to "help" I thought I'd might point out the above.

I know if it was me, I'd rather visit the people without expectations? I'm not trying to be rude here, just throwing it out there

[beansmama]

I should always read the entire thread before posting, no? Geez, lol!

Sorry - ignore the above response. I got it now!

I don't know your history, but from the other posters it sounds like you've been having ongoing issues. I'd just give up. Sounds like, for whatever reason, she prefers the other family.

That's sh*tty and sad and I'm sorry

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Skippy918

Maybe she feels that when she goes to the other DIL's house, it's more of a vacation because the DIL is already there taking care of the kids. Maybe she's not comfortable taking care of children by herself and she'd rather just relax.
Maybe instead of inviting them over to help you, invite them over instead to do something together as family like sightseeing or something and then see if they come. Maybe they'll be more inclined to visit if there's an activity planned.

I probably didn't or couldn't convey everything in one post. We do invite her and her husband (FIL) to come and go on outings. FIL isn't the outing kind of person, so I'm told over and over again. He rarely, rarely comes but he always flies to visit the other grandchildren and stays a week or more. So, usually every year ends with both FIL and MIL spending 4 weeks or more at the other grandchildrens' house 3000 miles away and a handful of hours or days spent with us. This has been happening for years.

MIL is a little better than FIL. She will come on outings. I've extended multiple and plenty of invitations to come to children's museums, parks, museums, fairs, field trips, you name it.

The problem is she only ever comes for a few hours, or maybe a quick overnight where she leaves first thing the next day.

In stark, stark contrast she goes and spends weeks at a time with the other grandkids and recently said it was because they have a stay-at-home mom and I work.

There was a time when I was a stay-at-home mom and she treated us no differently then. She still would only come for a few hours so it seems like she's just throwing out lame excuses.

I don't even really expect her to babysit. I would like for her to babysit sort of on an emergency basis, but I don't expect it. I do expect fairness and for her to spend more time than she does with this grandchild of hers.

It's a major difference of opinions between MIL and myself. It's not a new issue. It's been ongoing and I've addressed multiple times. It's just this last time that she came out and said it was because one daughter in law is a stay-at-home mom and I work. Ack. Just seems like that shouldn't really matter.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Skippy918

Maybe she feels that when she goes to the other DIL's house, it's more of a vacation because the DIL is already there taking care of the kids. Maybe she's not comfortable taking care of children by herself and she'd rather just relax.
Maybe instead of inviting them over to help you, invite them over instead to do something together as family like sightseeing or something and then see if they come. Maybe they'll be more inclined to visit if there's an activity planned.

Thanks.

Oh, they're taking care of the kids, even on their own at times. BIL and SIL often use the week long visits when the grandparents fly in 4 times a year to go on mini-vacations. They will often go to resorts, camping, and get away when the inlaws come to town. I think that greats. I am glad BIL and SIL have that.

I just want my inlaws to do something similar to us, but every time I bring it up they basically come up with excuses left and right and start the blame game and say we should just come visit them for a weekend. Not really the same, you know?

But, yeah, you are right. It is like a vacation. They probably view it that way. It's a warmer climate and BIL has a pool which I know they like and I think they probably enjoy BIL and SIL's company...they're all quite familar with each other and the relationship is more developed because my inlaws have been going down there for weeks every 4 months for years and years.

When they visit us in such a rushed and infrequently fashion, there simply isn't the time to develop a relationship, you know? Everything is short and truncated.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I wouldn't characterize what she's said as outright lies, just illogical twists and turns to justify.


But mostly she's full of illogical twists and turns of logic that are just attempts at excuses to make herself not look so bad. Probably she is defensive.

Sounds like the apple didnt fall to far from the rotten apple tree.

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by Banana731

American families kind of suck at being supportive. I wish it were different. It's not like this in any of the foreign families I've met, or even in American families heavily influenced by a "mother culture" (including my own.) I hear this stuff all the time on here, and IRL too. I think that I got lucky with my MIL, who is pretty helpful, but even so there is just something off. Like I know that my there is a line that I couldn't expect my MIL to cross in terms of helping out family, but that line doesn't exist with my family. Like I know my dh, my kids, and I could all go live with my mom (and sis and BIL and their 2 kids) in her house without a second thought. I'm talking permantly. Because to my family, that's just what you do for family, whatever you have to. But I don't think I could do that with MIL, and that's always in the back of my mind.

OP- do you think this underlying hostility is directed at you, or DH? Is the family she visits her "favorite" child's? Either way, sounds totally toxic. You guys need to circle the wagons with some good friends and make a new kind of family. Because, yeah, it totally takes a village.

ita with this! my mil stayed with us and did everything (cleaning, laundry, cooking etc) even when i told her not to! their family and culture really do take care of each other.

[mamaofthree]

ok, so if your MIL is a toxic person maybe it is a good thing she is staying away.

as for her unfair (in your opinion) devision of her time and labors with her sons and her grandchildren... let me tell you my story.

when i do work i have a very very flexible schedule (i am an RN) so when my MIL does come to visit (no matter where we have lived) she gets alot of company and is always happy to watch the kids if dh and i go on a date or something. she will also fold the clothes or do the dishes while i cook dinner. plus we do stuff together. take the kids places. when she visits she helps out, but mostly she has a great time and gets to relax and do fun stuff. NOW dh's brother and his wife have a very very busy schedule they both work long hours most days a week (SIL works 4-5 10 hour days a week, BIL work 5 12 hour days a week) they come home have a quick dinner and then everyone goes to bed. when my MIL is there she watches the kids, fixes dinner, does the laundry, what ever will help my BIL and SIL... but she doesn't like it much. she is still so sweet and will go see them often, but she has said she likes coming to our house better because she actually gets to visit, not just do chores and baby sit. i have no idea what your life looks like, but even if both you and dh work and even if it is just 8 hours a day, that is still a big chunk of the day. she would be at your house not visiting with you or her son, just watching kids and doing chores. not much of a vacation. now, like i said my MIL will happily go to their house for a couple weeks 3-4 times a year (especially in the summer when the kids are not in school), but it is lonely and a bit boring for her. god love her, she is the best damn MIL i could hope for.

h

[GuildJenn]

My MIL is really, really helpful.

My own mother really wants to be, but it rarely works out. There's the germ phobia (so she can't help if my son is sick, at least not with certain kinds of illness) and a bunch of other reasons. She has helped sometimes; I'm not trying to say she hasn't. But it is always on her terms and it's not something I can rely on for the most part (sometimes if it's extreme enough she will sort of rouse herself).

But I also jumped in because my mother loves to stay with my sister and brother-in-law. They tend to have large "McMansion" type homes - really lovely and really new and really sterile, and with big guest bedrooms with nothing in the closets and their own bathrooms. Which is great. I live in an urban area where space is at a premium (although we're suburban) and I guess I also have a philosophy that our space is primarily for us to live in, so we don't have dedicated guest rooms - we have rooms with pull-out couches that are also dens and such.

In my defense I have to say my space is clean and not very cluttered and it's pleasant, I think. But we don't own houses where we have sort of no-live zones.

Anyways my mother lives close, but when we were thinking of moving further away she out and out told me she prefers to stay with my sister and that she prefers how my sister and her husband live. Even though I was 34 and had had therapy wow did that ever hurt. There's no question that we're more laid-back and casual and not all my cutlery matches, but not only did I not think that was very important - when I was growing up my parents were hippies and TAUGHT me that those things were NOT IMPORTANT.

So I felt really cheated.

However, after years of mulling it over I've realized that's my mom. She does at this point prefer my sister and...it sucks and I really don't think parents should ever SAY that...but that's how it is. I try to just work with her and my relationship where it is rather than comparing.

The irony is...years later, she basically implied to my sister that I'm a better mother...WHAT??? My sister is the best mother to her child that she can be. It's nuts.

I hope you can find support, but it doesn't sound like your MIL is it. I was wondering if you guys had room for an au pair on top of your daycare? (Some more money, definitely some space loss.) It might help.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

But, yeah, you are right. It is like a vacation. They probably view it that way. It's a warmer climate and BIL has a pool ...

I think you just found your answer. Also they probably take you a bit for granted, you are there, whenever they feel like seeing you. The others are so far it feels like a getaway.

And they have a POOL! You can't compete with that, can you?

[VillageMom6]

Originally Posted by hakeber

And they have a POOL! You can't compete with that, can you?

Ya know... it's possible that your SIL is on a forum somewhere posting about how put out she feels because her MIL comes to visit too frequently and she suspects it's just because they have a pool and want a cheap vacation!

She may be saying something like, "They invite themselves to our house multiple times a year and expect to be catered to all day. They don't interact with the children unless hubby and I force them to by going away for a couple of days. I swear, if we didn't go to a hotel, I'd likely be strangling my MIL!

I'm so jealous of my SIL. Even though she lives much closer to the in-laws, they never bother her... probably because they know that since she works outside of the home, she's not available to make their morning coffee, whip together a gourmet lunch, make sure the beach towels are clean and dry and keep the children quiet so that they can nap."

Eh? Eh?? Sound plausible??