Hi, I have lurked here before but never had much to say; we are new to the whole blended-family thing. I would love some advice from both mamas in similar situations as well as step-mamas.
Here's my situation (I'll try to be brief): two months ago, dd (3 yo) and I moved in with my dp (with whom I'm expecting a baby any day now!). Our situation is certainly...unique...in that respect. Dp and I have been together for a year but because of the pregnancy, the relationship has accelerated faster than it might have otherwise, especially where dd is concerned.
But here we are. We live together and a new baby is coming and here is my problem: dd sometimes adores dp and other times she wants NOTHING to do with him. He is very loving, gentle, fun and patient with her. And sometimes she loves it and drags him around, playing with him, laughing with him, climbing all over him and even saying, "I love my step-daddy!" and stuff like that. OTHER times, though, he'll try to help her with something (like getting her breakfast or getting her out of her car seat or something like that) and she'll yell at him really loudly and rudely, "NO! I don't WANT you! I WANT my MAMA!"
When this happens, what dp usually does is retreat, he'll just say, "Okay, fine." and leave her alone. I notice then that he becomes less confident/willing to reach out when she's like this, like he won't even try to get her out of her car seat because he is anticipating her yelling at him (quite fairly).
When she gets like this I always tell her that she can't talk to him like that, she can't talk to anyone like that. I don't want at all to push her into a relationship with him that she isn't ready for so I certainly want to respect whatever boundaries she is trying to create. Yet I don't think it's unfair to expect that she not be rude to him (example, sometimes if she starts talking to her in the morning, "Good morning! How did you sleep?" She'll snap at him, "Don't talk to me!"). So I really try to make it clear that that attitude is not allowed. I have had some success in this, but not total.
I find myself getting frustrated with dp sometimes because I feel like he's giving up by not pushing more or trying harder (like with the car seat situation). Yet then I try to think about it from his POV--I try to imagine that I were the step-parent who was always being shouted at by my new SC--and I honestly don't know what is fair to expect of him.
We talk about it together and we both agree that, with time, things are bound to improve. But in the meantime we want to be doing the best thing to forge a healthy relationship between the two--especially with a new baby coming. I don't know what I should ask of DP. He thinks that when dd acts like that that she needs her space and that he should just be there for when she is ready but that he shouldn't push anything. I don't know.
Other complicating factors: ex-h (dd's dad) is really negative about dp (he's never met him; it's more to do with things that happened in OUR relationship and nothing to do with how he is with dd or anything like that). I don't know how much he says to dd when I'm not there but even in front of me he makes little snide comments. I definitely notice that when she returns from a visit from her dad's that she is more hostile with dp.
Also: we have a bit of a language barrier! I have always spoken SOME Spanish with dd but it's not my native language nor am I totally fluent. But dp and I speak Spanish together as much as English and he speaks in Spanish with her because a) I *really* want her to learn the language; I think that will be such a gift to her, b) dp's English isn't very good so ultimately I think that by speaking Spanish to her, it will be better for their relationship and c) (most important, perhaps) dp is going to speak Spanish with the baby because it's his child and I don't want dd to feel excluded from that relationship. But I am aware that building up our language skills is something that is currently a roadblock in their relationship.
Basically, then, what can I/we do to improve the relationship between dp and dd?
How much of it is just going to take time?
How much time?
Thank you so much for reading through this and for sharing your thoughts. I'm lost and I appreciate any help or advice you have!!!
Here's my situation (I'll try to be brief): two months ago, dd (3 yo) and I moved in with my dp (with whom I'm expecting a baby any day now!). Our situation is certainly...unique...in that respect. Dp and I have been together for a year but because of the pregnancy, the relationship has accelerated faster than it might have otherwise, especially where dd is concerned.
But here we are. We live together and a new baby is coming and here is my problem: dd sometimes adores dp and other times she wants NOTHING to do with him. He is very loving, gentle, fun and patient with her. And sometimes she loves it and drags him around, playing with him, laughing with him, climbing all over him and even saying, "I love my step-daddy!" and stuff like that. OTHER times, though, he'll try to help her with something (like getting her breakfast or getting her out of her car seat or something like that) and she'll yell at him really loudly and rudely, "NO! I don't WANT you! I WANT my MAMA!"
When this happens, what dp usually does is retreat, he'll just say, "Okay, fine." and leave her alone. I notice then that he becomes less confident/willing to reach out when she's like this, like he won't even try to get her out of her car seat because he is anticipating her yelling at him (quite fairly).
When she gets like this I always tell her that she can't talk to him like that, she can't talk to anyone like that. I don't want at all to push her into a relationship with him that she isn't ready for so I certainly want to respect whatever boundaries she is trying to create. Yet I don't think it's unfair to expect that she not be rude to him (example, sometimes if she starts talking to her in the morning, "Good morning! How did you sleep?" She'll snap at him, "Don't talk to me!"). So I really try to make it clear that that attitude is not allowed. I have had some success in this, but not total.
I find myself getting frustrated with dp sometimes because I feel like he's giving up by not pushing more or trying harder (like with the car seat situation). Yet then I try to think about it from his POV--I try to imagine that I were the step-parent who was always being shouted at by my new SC--and I honestly don't know what is fair to expect of him.
We talk about it together and we both agree that, with time, things are bound to improve. But in the meantime we want to be doing the best thing to forge a healthy relationship between the two--especially with a new baby coming. I don't know what I should ask of DP. He thinks that when dd acts like that that she needs her space and that he should just be there for when she is ready but that he shouldn't push anything. I don't know.
Other complicating factors: ex-h (dd's dad) is really negative about dp (he's never met him; it's more to do with things that happened in OUR relationship and nothing to do with how he is with dd or anything like that). I don't know how much he says to dd when I'm not there but even in front of me he makes little snide comments. I definitely notice that when she returns from a visit from her dad's that she is more hostile with dp.
Also: we have a bit of a language barrier! I have always spoken SOME Spanish with dd but it's not my native language nor am I totally fluent. But dp and I speak Spanish together as much as English and he speaks in Spanish with her because a) I *really* want her to learn the language; I think that will be such a gift to her, b) dp's English isn't very good so ultimately I think that by speaking Spanish to her, it will be better for their relationship and c) (most important, perhaps) dp is going to speak Spanish with the baby because it's his child and I don't want dd to feel excluded from that relationship. But I am aware that building up our language skills is something that is currently a roadblock in their relationship.
Basically, then, what can I/we do to improve the relationship between dp and dd?
How much of it is just going to take time?
How much time?
Thank you so much for reading through this and for sharing your thoughts. I'm lost and I appreciate any help or advice you have!!!
... now that has been a whirlwind of experience and they are 11 ad 12.5 yo now
