change my name or get divorced?

[Guest Mama3]

Hi all! Long story short: dh (then boyfriend) cheated on my twice, 18 years ago. The first time was a one-night stand, the second time was a months-long affair with a woman with the same first name as me.

I married dh anyway. Only after years and years of analysis of my childhood have I really figured out why. But I digress.......

I quickly and easily forgave the one-night stand. I've never been able to forgive him for the second woman, even though I've spent 18 years trying. I've gone to counseling--individual and marriage counseling. I've talked about it ad nauseam with dh. I've journaled about it. I've taken anti-depressants. I've read books. I've tried to stuff it out of my mind. Nothing works. I tell myself to "just get over it already" but I can't.

It has created a real identity crisis for me. Every time I see my first name in print, I'm staring at the name of the woman with whom he cheated.

So I think it comes down to this--should I change my first name, so I don't have to constantly look at her name, or should I divorce dh and look for someone else who hasn't hurt me so deeply?

We do have children, btw -- 9 and 14. And dh is a good dad. I'm just at such as loss as to how to heal myself after almost two decades of this (I'm 39.)

Thank you for your thoughts.

[griffin2004]

Are a name change or a divorce the only options? I don't think changing your name is going to solve the problem and it doesn't sound like you want a divorce.

The betrayal has taken over too many precious years of your life already. I hope you can find a way to rid yourself of this obsession and live in the serenity you deserve.

[Guest Mama3]

Originally Posted by griffin2004

Are a name change or a divorce the only options? I don't think changing your name is going to solve the problem and it doesn't sound like you want a divorce.

The betrayal has taken over too many precious years of your life already. I hope you can find a way to rid yourself of this obsession and live in the serenity you deserve.

Thanks. I've read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. So it feels like something big needs to change--either my name or my marital status.

[sosurreal09]

well sweetie first let me say ((hugs)) then im going to say its USUALLY once a cheater always a cheater so im thinking there MAY be alot more you dont know. i would leave him...

[Guest Mama3]

Originally Posted by anielasmommy09

well sweetie first let me say ((hugs)) then im going to say its USUALLY once a cheater always a cheater so im thinking there MAY be alot more you dont know. i would leave him...

I actually don't think so. I think he learned his lesson. I just can't seem to forgive him, even though I have wanted to for a long time.

[lolar2]

Have you tried therapy? You didn't mention trying therapy or marriage counseling.

[Guest Mama3]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Have you tried therapy? You didn't mention trying therapy or marriage counseling.

Yes, I've tried individual and marriage counseling. Thanks, though.

[lolar2]

Maybe a nickname then, or start going by your middle name-- that would be more convenient than a full-out name change.

[laohaire]

Let's say you change your name. Will that heal your marriage?

Will you be able to let it go, etc.?

Or will it be like every time you look at your new name you think "I had to change my NAME for this cheating bastard"?

Or do you think it will heal the wound finally?

[Arduinna]

I'm just going to address the name issue, it's up to you to decide on the status of your marriage. I'd look really long and hard at myself and discuss with a therapist why I am giving this woman from 18 years ago so much power over my sense of self that I'm actually considering changing my name.

[LCBMAX]

Perhaps that definition of insanity applies to those of us who persist in therapy too, hoping for growth!

Anyway, I'm going to limit myself also to the name issue. If you change your name, you'll still see/ hear your old name from time to time. Maybe the frequency of reminders will be less, but you'll still make yourself suffer when you are reminded. So the issue is still there. And you know, the way this stuff works, you might get stuck again not being able to avoid the name in your life - one of your kids could marry someone with that name, for example.

So.... back to the insanity clause. How about a new form of therapy? Have you tried Somatic Experiencing (my all time favorite for radical transformations, but that's just me)? EMDR? Cognitive Behavioral Approaches? Hypnotherapy? Green Psychology/ Percept? If at first you don't succeed....

That's what I'd do, unless I really wanted a divorce. But again, even then, you'd still have the name reminder issue because being legally divorced is not the same as being emotionally divorced.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I'm just going to address the name issue, it's up to you to decide on the status of your marriage. I'd look really long and hard at myself and discuss with a therapist why I am giving this woman from 18 years ago so much power over my sense of self that I'm actually considering changing my name.

I would absolutely not allow her memory to have that much power over the very essence of ME. The name of the woman he cheated with is pretty irrelevant IMO, you aren't going to forget what he did even if her name was Maude. It will always haunt you.

He may be a great dad, but if you haven't been able to forgive him in 18yrs.. and you have tried very hard/ tried everything imaginable.. Then you're just not going to.

Having been with a cheater... I have to agree with the pp's... and I'm wondering if maybe it's in the back of YOUR mind too? Cheaters don't cheat just once (and he's already proven that to you) .. he's shown a pattern of behavior and I'm wondering if maybe, deep down, you wonder if there have been others.

[Guest Mama3]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Or will it be like every time you look at your new name you think "I had to change my NAME for this cheating bastard"?

Probably this.

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I'm just going to address the name issue, it's up to you to decide on the status of your marriage. I'd look really long and hard at myself and discuss with a therapist why I am giving this woman from 18 years ago so much power over my sense of self that I'm actually considering changing my name.

Wow, way to get at the crux of the issue. Good question.

Originally Posted by LCBMAX

So.... back to the insanity clause. How about a new form of therapy? Have you tried Somatic Experiencing (my all time favorite for radical transformations, but that's just me)? EMDR? Cognitive Behavioral Approaches? Hypnotherapy? Green Psychology/ Percept? If at first you don't succeed....

No, I haven't tried those forms of therapy.

Originally Posted by CariOfOz

Having been with a cheater... I have to agree with the pp's... and I'm wondering if maybe it's in the back of YOUR mind too? Cheaters don't cheat just once (and he's already proven that to you) .. he's shown a pattern of behavior and I'm wondering if maybe, deep down, you wonder if there have been others.

Yeah, deep down. But I certainly don't have any evidence of that.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by lookingforpeace

I quickly and easily forgave the one-night stand. I've never been able to forgive him for the second woman, even though I've spent 18 years trying. I've gone to counseling--individual and marriage counseling.

I just noticed that you said you easily forgave the one night stand, but not the second woman. Was this affair more involved, emotionally as well as physically, maybe? Could that be a possible barrier to your forgiving him, because it wasn't just a one night sexual thing?

(just trying to help since you say you have no evidence even suggesting more recent cheaing behavior)

[MovnMama]

Well, perhaps looking outside the box is for you. It's fairly obvious from your PP that you don't want to change your name - it's yours, for heaven's sake, not just hers. It's also pretty obvious that you like parenting with your husband and it's your personal relationship with him that's an issue.

So if you've considered divorce, then you have considered at least one of two things: 1. you can/would be with other partners and okay with that (unless you were going to become a nun?) and 2. your husband can/would be with other partners (possibly already happened?) and, after divorce, you would be okay with that (theoretically?). So. Here you are at a dead end, if you are considering these and not okay with them, because either they already have, or they will.

It sounds like you want your husband to have been faithful to you 18 years ago. Not going to happen - you can't go back in time and change the past. But. You obviously are willing to change your mind frame and/or lifestyle in extreme ways (name change and divorce) in order to find peace. I think you should look into polyamory, or other types of open relationships and non-monogamous primary relationships. Really basic info here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

I'm sure I am going to catch hell for this and maybe this is outside MDC regulations, or whatever, but if you and he came together and mutually discussed your options right now, you could free him from his burden of having cheated on you, you could also free yourself from the emotional pain of being the cuckolded wife, and you could continue to be functional parental partners to your lovely children. You might even do a year or two of this and realize 1. you were meant to be together or 2. you need to get divorced.

At any rate, your proposed solutions here are all "losing" situations for you, when you already feel like you have been "losing" for your whole marriage. If you change your name, you "lose" part of yourself, IMO. If you divorce him, you "lose" that functional parenting partner and it harms your kids. Don't get me wrong - sometimes divorce is the best option for certain partners. But you've got a block and can't forgive him/can't trust him. Where do you go from here? I'm trying to give you options where you don't "lose" anymore.

Good luck!

[provocativa]

not much help, but one of my boyfriends cheated on me with a girl named jane who we were both casual friends with. i broke up with him shortly thereafter, though i didn't know about the cheating, and only figured it out after we broke up. i still can't see or speak the name jane without tiny bubble of rage with angst seasoning.

i rather agree that polyamory might help you even the score in your head, though it is an unlikely option for husbands to agree to.

[makinganescape]

lol... I was going to reply to this thread before I saw the PP who spoke of polyamory or and open relationship... I am in an open relationship with DP and it works beautifully for us, but it isn't for everyone.

I wanted to say that when your DH cheated on you, y'all weren't married. You chose to marry him anyway, and have been married for 18 years, right? I'm not quite sure of your time frame. Anyway, for 18 years you have made a life with this man, and I don't think it would be right for you to divorce him now over a mistake he made nearly two decades ago. It was not right for him to betray you as he did, but you knew he did and chose to marry him. There comes a point where you can't have an "out" anytime you hit a road block in your relationship. Do you bring it up every time y'all argue? I mean, that was 1992. I was in first grade. I guess it is hard for me to wrap my mind around a loving partner, and parent, holding a grudge or a hurt for that long. I think a better solution to your name change or divorce would be to actively let her go. Have a conversation with her and tell her (in your mind of course) that she isn't important enough to control your life. Tell her that she is not welcome in your relationship anymore, and that you don't want to live in a triangle. Tell her that you don't care enough about her to allow her to enter your mind from this point on. And then, don't let her. If you start to think about her, sing a song, or talk to yourself out loud, louder than your mind. Good luck

[hotmamacita]

Has he asked you to forgive him?

[Guest Mama3]

Originally Posted by CariOfOz

I just noticed that you said you easily forgave the one night stand, but not the second woman. Was this affair more involved, emotionally as well as physically, maybe? Could that be a possible barrier to your forgiving him, because it wasn't just a one night sexual thing?

Oh yes, there was a lot of emotional involvement. He fell in love with her.

Originally Posted by MovnMama

I think you should look into polyamory, or other types of open relationships and non-monogamous primary relationships. Really basic info here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

I appreciate the advice but know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't handle that well, emotionally.

Originally Posted by provocativa

not much help, but one of my boyfriends cheated on me with a girl named jane who we were both casual friends with. i broke up with him shortly thereafter, though i didn't know about the cheating, and only figured it out after we broke up. i still can't see or speak the name jane without tiny bubble of rage with angst seasoning.

Thanks for understanding! It really only triggers me when I see it in a different/unusual font, so then it kind of just looks like her name instead of mine. That happened the day I started this thread.

Originally Posted by makinganescape

I don't think it would be right for you to divorce him now over a mistake he made nearly two decades ago.

I'm not saying I'm going to get a divorce, but if I chose to, I'd be ok with that. It might be the only way I can find peace. It would be better than still seething with anger, if I can't get over the anger.

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

Has he asked you to forgive him?

Oh yes. And he's apologized profusely, many times. But I did need him to apologize for something very specific that happened back then and he has always refused to do so. But what do you know--he actually said he was wrong about that specific thing just yesterday. So that helps quite a bit.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by lookingforpeace

Oh yes. And he's apologized profusely, many times. But I did need him to apologize for something very specific that happened back then and he has always refused to do so. But what do you know--he actually said he was wrong about that specific thing just yesterday. So that helps quite a bit.

Hmm, some progress perhaps. Does he know that this was the hanging point for you?

If I were talking to your husband right now, knowing what I know, I would let him know that he needs to be sorry for that SPECIFIC thing a few more times, maybe in different ways. It would feel so much more true and reliable to you. It's like this sore spot, he can rub it gently and relax it, but it takes more than one rub. It's a building of trust, that he wasn't "just saying" it once, or he didn't change his mind about it the next day, or just trying to get you off his back. A few times - not the rest of his life, but just a few times.

You can tell him exactly that, if that's what you need. Nobody can make him come through for you, but if he knows exactly what you need, he can make the choice to do it - or not.