change my name or get divorced? - Page 2

[Anna's Lovey]

"I've gone to counseling--individual and marriage counseling. I've talked about it ad nauseam with dh. I've journaled about it. I've taken anti-depressants. I've read books. I've tried to stuff it out of my mind. Nothing works. I tell myself to "just get over it already" but I can't."

I'm with the poster who suggested Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It helped me find closure with things that I had spent years dealing with. Just a thought.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by MovnMama

I think you should look into polyamory, or other types of open relationships and non-monogamous primary relationships. Really basic info here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

I'm sure I am going to catch hell for this and maybe this is outside MDC regulations, or whatever, but if you and he came together and mutually discussed your options right now, you could free him from his burden of having cheated on you, you could also free yourself from the emotional pain of being the cuckolded wife, and you could continue to be functional parental partners to your lovely children. You might even do a year or two of this and realize 1. you were meant to be together or 2. you need to get divorced.

DH & I are poly, but I'm not sure the OP is ready for that. It's a thought and certainly one she may want to consider. I've just seen lots of folks "try out" being poly and it being a disaster. (OTOH, I suppose things aren't working the way they are either!)

Another option could be a roommate-type situation. If you and your DH get along really well, perhaps you could come up with some way to stay in the same house and still parent together without being married. I don't know exactly how that would work, but I'm trying to imagine still being angry 18 years later about an affair. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything that *would* help you move on.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by lookingforpeace

Oh yes, there was a lot of emotional involvement. He fell in love with her.

I'd guess that THAT is more the hang than the sex itself? Sex is a biological need, so a lot of times that makes a stupid mistake easier to forgive.. but falling in love.. not so much! Do you TRUST him now? Irrelevant of what he did in the past and whether you can find a way to forgive for that, if you don't trust him right now then I don't know HOW you get around this.

Oh yes. And he's apologized profusely, many times. But I did need him to apologize for something very specific that happened back then and he has always refused to do so. But what do you know--he actually said he was wrong about that specific thing just yesterday. So that helps quite a bit.

Small steps at least Good luck mama.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by lookingforpeace

Oh yes. And he's apologized profusely, many times. But I did need him to apologize for something very specific that happened back then and he has always refused to do so. But what do you know--he actually said he was wrong about that specific thing just yesterday. So that helps quite a bit.

glad that is helping.

I've been there where I was really upset about something specific and needed him to apologize for that specific thing and a general apology just didn't cut it.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by lookingforpeace

Oh yes. And he's apologized profusely, many times. But I did need him to apologize for something very specific that happened back then and he has always refused to do so. But what do you know--he actually said he was wrong about that specific thing just yesterday. So that helps quite a bit.

for your marriage and your heart

[Guest Mama3]

So, just for clarification, I only cringe about my name in relationship to dh. For example, if I send him an email, I sometimes having a hard time signing it. But I sign my name all of the time with emails to other people and don't think anything of it.

[Kivgaen]

I haven't read all of the responses yet (kids waiting for me) but I will later. I just wanted to post my first impression before I forgot. So if my question has already been answered, forgive me...

Here's my question: What has DH done for you to help you mend this problem that HE caused? Does HE tell you "it's been X years already... why can't you forget about it already"?.

It is my guess that you will NEVER "get over it" until he FULLY understands how deeply he hurt you. He doesn't "get it". (again, just a guess), so you can't heal from this.

There's an old saying, that I'm sure you've heard before: "Time heals all wounds". And I'm sure you realize this -- TIME HEALS NOTHING!

I don't think you have a problem. I think your problem is that you think your DH doesn't "get it". And you will never be able to "get over this" unless and until he does.

Anyway, that's my take on it. But as I said... I'll have to read the rest of the responses later. Time for work.

[Guest Mama3]

Originally Posted by Kivgaen

I haven't read all of the responses yet (kids waiting for me) but I will later. I just wanted to post my first impression before I forgot. So if my question has already been answered, forgive me...

Here's my question: What has DH done for you to help you mend this problem that HE caused? Does HE tell you "it's been X years already... why can't you forget about it already"?.

It is my guess that you will NEVER "get over it" until he FULLY understands how deeply he hurt you. He doesn't "get it". (again, just a guess), so you can't heal from this.

There's an old saying, that I'm sure you've heard before: "Time heals all wounds". And I'm sure you realize this -- TIME HEALS NOTHING!

I don't think you have a problem. I think your problem is that you think your DH doesn't "get it". And you will never be able to "get over this" unless and until he does.

Anyway, that's my take on it. But as I said... I'll have to read the rest of the responses later. Time for work.

Well, it's complicated. He gets it now, but there were a lot of years when he didn't get it and completely dismissed my feelings. So I'm playing catch up with my emotions. I'm still dealing with the years where he didn't get it.

[Vaske]

Why don't you change HER name instead of yours? Pick out a nice name for her like Eunice or Mildred or Larry, and start using that whenever you think of her. I think this would be a good first step toward getting her out of your marriage.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Vaske

Why don't you change HER name instead of yours? Pick out a nice name for her like Eunice or Mildred or Larry...

This is actually brilliant...but sooooo funny.

OP: Do you feel that when he sees your name, he's actually seeing her name...or her?

[Guest Mama3]

Originally Posted by Vaske

Why don't you change HER name instead of yours? Pick out a nice name for her like Eunice or Mildred or Larry, and start using that whenever you think of her. I think this would be a good first step toward getting her out of your marriage.

As Storm Bride said, brilliant and funny!!!

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

This is actually brilliant...but sooooo funny.

OP: Do you feel that when he sees your name, he's actually seeing her name...or her?

No, it's just me who's still hung up on it.

[MissLotus]

18 years is a long, long time to be miserable and a long, long time to not forgive. And you have every right to feel however you feel - maybe he doesn't deserve to be forgiven - but for YOUR sake, you either need to forgive or move on. It would look as if, at this point, you aren't able to forgive, and if he's shown regret and taken the appropriate steps, etc., there honestly isn't anything more he can do. (Not saying that cheating is acceptable by any means - just that if it happens, you can choose to forgive, or you can decide to leave the relationship... you've been living in limbo an unusually long time.)

He can still be a good father if you aren't married any more - a loving dad is a loving dad, regardless of marital status.

As for, "should I divorce dh and look for someone else who hasn't hurt me so deeply?", divorcing doesn't mean you have to be with another person right away. It sounds like you need to find happiness within yourself.