How do I make NO mean NO?

[AllisonR]

How do I make NO mean NO, without 5000 explanations and tears?

This is a typical conversation. It comes up if she wants something to eat, to buy, to use, she wants to go somewhere or visit someone, she wants to do something, almost anything where the answer is No. I don't spend my life telling her no to everything, but sometimes no is a necessary part of life, kwim?

DD: Can Thilde come over to play?
Me: No, but you'll see Thilde tomorrow in daycare.
DD: Can we not ask Thilde to please come over and play?
Me: You will see her tomorrow in daycare.
DD: Can we not please?
Me: I said no.
DD: Why not?
Me: Because you will see her tomorrow, and it's almost dinner time.
DD: But I want to play today, not tomorrow.
Me: DD, it is almost dinner time.
DD: I have an idea! Thilde can eat dinner with us!
Me: Thilde is eating dinner at home with her mom and dad.
DD: Oh. Why can't Thilde eat with us?
Me: Because she is eating dinner at home.
DD: But can't Thilde come and eat with us please?
Me: Some other time. We will ask her mom when we see her if she can come here and play with you one day after day care.
DD: Can't we ask her to come now?
Me: No.
DD: Can't we please?
Me: I said no.
DD: For just a little bit of time?
Me: No. We need to clean the kitchen table and then I need to make dinner.
DD: If I help clean the table, then Thilde can come over and play!
Me: No. But we can ask her mom if she can play another day.
.....
eventually it ends where I loose my patience and say "NO! Don't ask again" in a mad tone, and DD ends up crying. There are things like this where the answer is NO and has to be no, but I don't think it has to end up we me out of patience and DD crying. Ideas?

[CarrieMF]

Tell her "don't ask again" in a calmer tone of voice after the SECOND time & then ignore any requests after that. by continuing to answer why not a dozen times you're letting it go on & on & on.

[Dukey25]

Honestly I would just stop talking after no. I do offer an explanation but after that I find if I keep "discussing" it with them than they just keep going on about it. I say no and why and if they freak out and produce tears so be it.

[philomom]

Yep, you are letting far too much discussion go on. State why and you won't talk about that subject again.

[MoonStarFalling]

I say no, give a simple explanation if necessary and then walk away. Because my DS will engage the conversation just like your example if I don't.

[One_Girl]

I would tell my dd I am not discussing it anymore after the answer and the explanation. If that made her sad and she cried I would give her a hug and tell her I am sorry she is sad and that sometimes everyone is sad. I don't go out of my way to disappoint my dd, but I also don't go out of my way to ensure that she never feels a second of disappointment.

[goodygumdrops]

This is so me and my 3 1/2 year old. It's driving me batty. At least I know I'm not alone...

[Callimom]

I don't know how old your child is but here is how it works in our house (kids are 12, 9, 9 and 7).

I stop after the first no and explanation/distraction, which depending on the child might be a bit more indepth than your example.

So I might say Oh that would be fun but we can't do it today sweety. It's 4 oclock and we have XYZ to do today before bed. Why don't you draw a picture/send an email to your friend about what you would like to do together tomorrow and we will see about a playdate for Monday.

If they ask again I turn it around and start to talk to them about the effects of their continued asking.

So on the second ask I say something along the lines of:

I have explained my reasons about why the answer is no. I understand this is something you want and we will work together to make it happen another time (if that is true). For now I expect you to listen and understand that. When you continue to ask me the same question over and over again, I feel frustrated that you are not listening to me and I am less inclined to want to make this happen for you in the future.

[-Resque-]

We used to have conversations like this, now they go like this...

DSD: "Can Liv come over and play today?"
Me: *pause for about 5 seconds... face like I'm thinking about it*: "No, Friday would be a good day."
DSD: "Okay."

How did we get there? She turned 6. Honestly, that was the biggest part of it.

She also likes that I pause to "think" about it. I say yes whenever I can, and she knows that. I also don't argue, and that's been my key phrase for a while now... "You know I don't argue." Which means after the first time I say no, the subject is not up for debate. If she keeps pressing the issue, I change the subject, and eventually leave the room. This may sound harsh, but it's what works for us. Mostly, I'm pretty sure it's consistency... and that she's 6 now.

[4evermom]

You could try not focusing on the "No" so much... Empathy and sympathy can go a long way. If you give a lot of reasons, the result is frequently the child coming up with solutions. That can be great, lol... or not.

"It's fun when Thilde comes to play. Let's talk to her mom tomorrow about when she can come over."

"You really wish she could come now."

"You'd like to play with her right now."

"What fun things should we plan to do when Thilde comes another day?"

[AllisonR]

Thanks everyone! Great advice.

Originally Posted by Dukey25

Honestly I would just stop talking after no. I do offer an explanation but after that I find if I keep "discussing" it with them than they just keep going on about it. I say no and why and if they freak out and produce tears so be it.

This seems to be everyones main point, discuss it once, then stop. I'll try it.

Originally Posted by goodygumdrops

This is so me and my 3 1/2 year old. It's driving me batty. At least I know I'm not alone...

DD is also 3.5, so maybe this is just huge at this stage. At least I hope so.

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

I don't know how old your child is but here is how it works in our house (kids are 12, 9, 9 and 7).

I stop after the first no and explanation/distraction, which depending on the child might be a bit more indepth than your example.

So I might say Oh that would be fun but we can't do it today sweety. It's 4 oclock and we have XYZ to do today before bed. Why don't you draw a picture/send an email to your friend about what you would like to do together tomorrow and we will see about a playdate for Monday.

If they ask again I turn it around and start to talk to them about the effects of their continued asking.

So on the second ask I say something along the lines of:

I have explained my reasons about why the answer is no. I understand this is something you want and we will work together to make it happen another time (if that is true). For now I expect you to listen and understand that. When you continue to ask me the same question over and over again, I feel frustrated that you are not listening to me and I am less inclined to want to make this happen for you in the future.

This is brilliant advice - for later. I don't think my 3 yo can deal with all the explanation at once, but you never know. I might try it. If it doesn't work, then hopefully I'll remember this in a couple of years.

Originally Posted by 4evermom

You could try not focusing on the "No" so much... Empathy and sympathy can go a long way. If you give a lot of reasons, the result is frequently the child coming up with solutions. That can be great, lol... or not.

"It's fun when Thilde comes to play. Let's talk to her mom tomorrow about when she can come over."

"You really wish she could come now."

"You'd like to play with her right now."

"What fun things should we plan to do when Thilde comes another day?"

I also do this, just not so consistently. I need to remember to do it more.

Thanks everyone again.

[mamazee]

Emapthy helps a lot, and then at some point you might have to go into broken record mode. Don't change the wording or it sounds like discussion, which invites more arguing. Just choose one thing and say it over and over again. 3.5 year olds live to get us into power struggles and arguments. Don't engage her in them and she'll get bored and move on. I would just stay calm and gentle with it, and consistent.

[punkrockmomma]

I find that after a no and a short explanation, I will count to 3 and if she doesn't stop at 3 she gets a timeout. I know that many people on this forum aren't a fan of this method, but I have a very willful 3 year old DD who will throw a temper tantrum, and is very insistent, and this is what has worked the best with her so far. She knows when I start counting that I mean no, end of discussion. This also stops whining and crying with her as well, which has gotten 10 times worse since she started potty training. Good luck, this can be a tough one.

[annethcz]

I often use the phrase, "the more you ask, the more I want to say no."

[zeldamomma]

You've gotten a lot of good advice here-- one more thought: generally kids keep on doing things because they are effective. You might want to watch yourself to see if your daughter is sometimes able to turn a "no" into a "yes" this way.

[Centura]

I have the same problem with both my girls, 4 and 5 yo... and I'm going BONKERS... I get the say no and then don't discuss it again, but they have both found a nice irritating way to keep going... They will either rephrase the question or ask about something else very similar.

Like:

Can Ann come play?
No
Please?
No, maybe tomorrow
Can Tina come then?
No, no friends today hun
What about tonight then?
I am sorry but tomorrow your friends can come over, its almost dinner
Can I go play at her place then?

AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I mean, they will accept a no to the question, but then asking other questions... What the heck to do then?

[CarrieMF]

Originally Posted by Centura

I have the same problem with both my girls, 4 and 5 yo... and I'm going BONKERS... I get the say no and then don't discuss it again, but they have both found a nice irritating way to keep going... They will either rephrase the question or ask about something else very similar.

Like:

Can Ann come play?
No
Please?
No, maybe tomorrow
Can Tina come then?
No, no friends today hun
What about tonight then?
I am sorry but tomorrow your friends can come over, its almost dinner
Can I go play at her place then?

AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I mean, they will accept a no to the question, but then asking other questions... What the heck to do then?

you're not playing with any friends today. If you ask again you won't play with friends tomorrow either. If they won't stop they get removed to a room I'm not in.

[meemee]

even at 3.5 i have always felt my dd needed a reasonable explanation.

and when i did talk to her about it logically she didnt bug me but found alternate arrangements that she was happy with.

we have had that conversation so many times.

oh that's a great idea to invite thilde for dinner. but they too have already sat down to eat with her family. if i try to invite her now it will take too long for her mama to bring her here.

i know you really miss thilde and wished she was here right NOW to play with you. but its bedtime soon so even if she came here you wouldnt be able to play.

i have always found if i sat and offered her proper explanations it was less stressful for me and her.

result at from about 6 i can say no without any explanations. in fact dd offers the explanation and i choose the correct answer.

the key is you are helping her see why it is not a good idea for everyone else, AND empathising with really wanting a friend to play with. she may not truly get that at 3.5 but you stopping and talking and then empathizing really helps them in the long run.

[MommyTeesa]

My daughter is 7 and this (endless negotiations and begging) was a huge issue for us last year. We have mantras "asked and answered" or just "end of discussion." For younger kids I agree that you might need a bit more patience and that the discussion is a place for lessons, though they too need to know when to stop.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by annethcz

I often use the phrase, "the more you ask, the more I want to say no."

We have a house rule that you can't ask more than three times.... this mama is not deaf, she heard you. Thank goodness they do grow out of this stuff.