Everything with 3yo is a fight! Why? What can I do?!

[La Sombra]

Lately, everything with my beloved, beautiful, headstrong 3yo dd is a fight! Things that we do every day: nap time, bath time, brushing teeth, picking up toys, putting on shoes to play outside (where we live I have found nails and burrs in the grass and stuff like that), coming home from her friend's house to eat lunch, etc. etc. etc.

I try to be consistent. We do time-outs (that is, I threaten time-outs and very occasionally I have to follow through on them). I give warnings. Eventually I normally get her to cooperate. I'm just exhausted by having everything be a fight!

I do worry that I'm not consistent enough; I find that I feel guilty sometimes punishing her. But I do really try--for the sake of my sanity, and for the sake of raising a child that is polite and well-behaved and adapts well to rules--to be consistent and firm with her. Every night it seems like I have to threaten not to read stories with her before bed if she doesn't do x, y or z. This always works. But why do I constantly have to threaten her?

I wonder, too, how normal this is. I can't help but compare her to her friends (I don't know them and how they are at home in every moment so this isn't really fair of me) who don't seem to be as stubborn or as sensitive as she is. Is her behavior normal/typical of a child her age? Is that even a question worth asking?

Other factors to note (and I'm SURE these are important, although how important I don't know): her father and I split up like 9 months ago, she and I moved and now we live with my dp with whom I'm expecting a baby any day now. God, writing that down just breaks my heart for her.

She has a lot of love in her life and she has adjusted really well to where we are living now--she has a load of friends now in our new neighborhood, and things with her and dp are going pretty well, etc., and I try to really listen to her and talk to her and give her buckets and buckets of love and all that. But of course these changes must be so hard on her.

How can I improve her behavior, especially in the context of everything that she's been through?

TIA!!!!!

[tammylsmith]

You are not alone! I have a beautiful, well-spoken little girl who turned three in May. When we are in public, she constantly charms complete strangers to the point that we actually get free stuff some times, people hold doors, smile etc etc (sheesh, this kid should be in show biz except I'm not that kind of mama ) If my daughter came to your house, she would be polite, say please and thank you, ask permission to use materials etc etc.

but at home? TOTALLY different story

Now, in fairness to her, she does say please and thank you OFTEN and OFTEN asks permission to use materials or get things off of a shelf, but she also OFTEN throws a blind raging tantrum over not getting one more twizzler, or can't manage to leave her baby brother alone--tackling him or, like today, sticking her finger in his ear to gauge his reaction (yup, we just had a baby 3 months ago and it caused havoc with her! She adores him but is so jealous. I'll bet some of the other issues you have mentioned are causing her to act out to get more attention. I know it's happening with dd) She has spit on her loving grampy, tried to hit grammy, spilled stuff on the floor, harassed the cat... all in the name of attention.

My advice: I don't know what the heck I'm doing either, so just try to take deep breaths A LOT .

My cousin is a child psychologist, and when I asked for advice on my dd's attention getting behavior, he offered this:

1) Practice staying calm and relaxed- everybody in the family will benefit from this.

2) Teach D how to take deep breaths and what she should do when she wants your attention. Recognize her whenever she does this.

3) Create a structure in your house that makes things highly predictable and allows D frequent opportunities to be recognized for being a helper or to get positive attention.

[tammylsmith]

I also wanted to add that 3 is an age where they are testing boundaries. It is all very normal. She's stretching her little wings, but she doesn't know where her limits are yet. She'll need lots of reinforcement and repetition to practice good behaviors.

and

eventually she won't be 3 any more... (or so I tell myself both hopefully and a little sadly at how fast she is growing up) My attitude affect SO much of how our interactions go. If I can center MYSELF, then she falls into place better because I can react in a more helpful way.

[La Sombra]

Thank you so much, Tammy! Yes, my dd is also super bright and articulate (don't know if that means anything) and is also very polite in general with strangers and stuff like that. She can also be incredibly charming, offering up spontaneous hugs, telling funny stories, etc. etc. I don't mean to suggest she is some off-the-rails devil-child. We had friends over tonight and she was absolutely delightful with them; they seemed utterly enchanted by her.

Thank you for reminding me of the age. I remember when we had sleep troubles early on and people would say, "Definitely by age ONE these problems will have worked themselves out." and I would be like "ONE YEAR OF THIS?!" But it's true: it all passes so quickly. What seems huge and scary and insurmountable one minute seems so trivial or fleeting the next.

I want to do what's right by her and to create peace in my home, of course. But it is probably also worth remembering that to an extent, this will all pass. And I'll probably even miss it! Thank you!

[venusthrow]

Ahh the terrible or teenage threes is nothing compared to the terrible twos. I say keep doing what you are doing. You need to be firm (yet gentle) and just keep following through. It can be be difficult to hold the line but it is so worth it. ODD at 3 was very very spirited but odd at 3.5 is even more amazing and listens a lot more.

[Juvysen]

My just barely 3 yr old has been doing this a LOT the past few months. What seems to be helping him is if I can make whatever it is be "fun"... like instead of "let's put on your underwear", I'll ask if he wants to show whatever toy he's playing with (usually buzz lightyear) how he puts on his underwear. It sounds corny, but it's been working lately... He also is willing to do things that are novel... like going potty here is boring so he fights it, but using someone else's potty? very exciting. however, if I just say "hey, let's go potty" at someone else's house, he says "NO", but if I say "heeeeyyyy... you wanna use TOMMY's potty??" he'll be like YEAHHHH!

[mumkimum]

I'll agree that, here too, making regular things more playful has been a lifesaver (sometimes, anyway). So I really try to stay calm and fun and go "oh fine, don't brush your teeth but the monsters in there will just make a crazy mess all night if they don't get to the pool party in the sink. . . la la la" (pretending is a big hit with our dd ).

It help hugely too to make sure that I'm not asking her things she can say 'no' to if they're not choices - or that I'm giving her choices that seem exciting or that put her in charge, somewhat, of bedtime routine or whatever. (We have a 4 mo old baby sister too who she loves who I'll have talking her into doing things if she isn't as receptive to me ).

And as far as the behavior, imo it's pretty normal even for a kid who doesn't have all those changes going on in their life.

[BCFD]

My 3 year old sounds a lot like what I'm reading here. Bright, sweet (loves to kiss over and over and over! LOL!), but she is stubborn as the day is long. Everything I ask her to do and her answer is "no". It's allnew to me 'cause my 4 and 5 year old have NEVER been this stubborn. So, as an example here is a scenario:

Me: Please put your clothes on so we can to go school.
Her: No.
Me: Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
Her: :: pause :: Puts her clothes on.

Sometimes she is MORE stubborn and so it goes like this:

Me: Please put your clothes on so we can go to school.
Her: No.
Me: Easy way or hard way?
Her: Not budging.
Me: 3, 2, 1.....(if I get to 0 there is a consequence - I dress her)
Her: Screaming if we get to 0.
Me: I gave you a fair chance and you chose the hard way. Next time will you get dressed?
Her: :: pause :: Ok, Mommy. I do it.

It's really three things: Choice. Dialogue. Being consistent. I mean what I say and I follow through with it. I use a calm voice (most of the time....LOL!)

This is an EVERY.SINGLE.DAY event and it makes me crazy. I can only hope that eventually she will grow out of it.