You promised this wouldn't happen!

[fairejour]

I am insanely frustrated right now.

When we began co-sleeping we were assured by all the advocates that having a strong connection would lead to a better emotionally stable child. That children who co-sleep transition easier, have better bonds and actually (eventually) seperate EASIER than kids left to CIO. Oh, and there was the promise that every child eventually learns to sleep on their own, in their own bed....

Well, guess what, it didn't work. My DD is now 7 and still insists that she can't sleep alone! She says she is scared of monsters in her dreams and that she CAN NOT sleep alone.

I am tired. I don't feel up to laying in bed, doing nothing for the next 90 minutes while she falls asleep. I told her that I just need some down time and she was a selfish brat aboout it, said she didn't care and sat there and cried when I left the room.

I don't know what to do. It wasn't supposed to last this long. I just want to be left alone for one night.

[sky_and_lavender]

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time and that things aren't going as you'd expected. You sound very tired!

Cosleeping and other AP practices can enhance the bond and may improve confidence and security. But I don't think there are guaranteed outcomes, only tendencies. You can't know how different things might be for your daughter if you hadn't don't these things.

I don't have an older child, but I remember as a child suffering from frequent nightmares. My parents did not let me come in to their bed at that age, and I was left to fend for myself. It was really terrible and I felt like I was alone in the world--I wish they had helped me. So even if it is hard for you, maybe she genuinely does need your support.

Communication and acknowledging and working with a kid to help you each deal with challenges are key. Nightmares can be truly terrifying and could reflect a need for help working through some inner or outer challenge. What else is going on in her/your life now. Any big changes? Things that might be a big deal to her but that you might not notice or know about? Or they could be just a developmental thing, or the sign of a sleep disorder.

So it seems like the sleep situation might be an opportunity to explore these possibilities and keep the channel of communication about how to meet everyone's needs, including your own.

[~savah~]

When I was around that age I had a recurring nightmare very night that I had to sleep by myself. It would change a little from night to night, but it always started out the same. One night when I was crying about it because my parents didn't want me to sleep with them, my mom told me to tell myself over and over that I wouldn't have that dream as I fell asleep. It actually worked and I haven't had that dream since.

All that to say maybe something like that will work for your daughter. I totally get what you mean about not wanting to lay in bed for 90 minutes, that would drive me bonkers. Hopefully things get better for you both soon.

[Jenne]

I've not btdt as a mama but as a child...What about an alarm clock for DD and some boundaries? Like, you can start out in Mama's bed but Mama is going to be in the other room. When Mama comes to bed she'll have you move to your bed (or carry you). Then at Xam (whatever you are comfortable with) or later, if you wake up and want to get in bed with Mama you can. You might start with the time like 4am and slowly ease it back over the course of a few weeks in 15 minute increments. This way you get the time you need but she also gets the security of your bed...just a suggestion...

Hang in there!

Jenne

[Happeesupermom]

If she still takes naps, you might want to start transitioning her into her bed only for naps during the day; maybe you could read her a story while she falls asleep.

Might she be open to the idea of sleeping in a toddler bed or pallet (sp?) near your bed, or on the floor in your room? Would you? Maybe she needs a gradual transition from your bed to her own?

If she's open to this idea, you could eventually move her little bed just outside your bedroom door (if possible). Then, ultimately, into her own room.

Reassure her that she can come back to your room any night she has a scary dream or if there's a bad storm outside... but you'd like for her to sleep in her bed any other time.

HTH! I'm sorry you're going through this rough time! I know you must be tired and really need your rest. I hope you find it soon!


***I just re-read OP, and I may have misunderstood. It seems that maybe you're saying your DD isn't sleeping in your bed; she's sleeping in her own bed/room, and you're having trouble with her wanting to stay there. If so, I'm sorry, if my comments don't quite fit your situation.***

[LauraN]

With a seven year old you don't have to lie in bed while she sleeps! You can read a book with a book light, sit in the room with your laptop, work nearby and pop in to check on her every few minutes. I find that all the AP promises are true: my kids are independent in many ways that others aren't while cbeing confident enough to ask for what they need without fear. I remember a period of months when I was 8ish that for whatever reason I had become so scared of the dark that I would just lay petrified in my bed, knowing my parents would have no sympathy and would not help me. A few times I even wet my bed because I was too scared to go to the bathroom. I have seen with my kids that these stages seem to last less time because they get sympathy and help dealing rather than demands that they get over it.
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[shelbean91]

My youngest sister had nightmares around that age. My mom made up a special routine with her at bedtime, including a round of 'special kisses' that helped keep the bad dreams away. I'm 10 years older than she is, so one night I had to do the special kisses when my mom was out. She told me where they went, I did it, she went to bed. Her nightmares were about pigs. No clue where she got these bad dreams, but once she had a trip to the zoo and saw a real pig, the nightmares went away.

So, maybe figure out some sort of 'monster repellent' or maybe let her have a night light or white noise. My dd is 10 now and still doesn't like to sleep alone, so she and my 6 yo share a room.

[stormborn]

NAK...but a few quick ideas.. Is there any reason she can't stay up later? My 8 yo still won't fall asleep alone all the time but she will play/read/etc while I do my own thing and then go to bed with me when I'm ready. I totally understand your frustration; by the end of the day I NEED time to myself and no way could I be happy about 90mins of waiting! She will also sleep alone if the dog is in the room.

[RomanGoddess]

I have often heard co-sleeping advocates say that "they all learn to sleep on their own". I don't know where they get this information but all evidence in cultures where people practice co-sleeping as a family points to the opposite conclusion - they never sleep alone. My Filipina SIL told me that when her sister had to leave town for a week, her BIL went upstairs to sleep with his parents (who live in the same house). Of course, he slept on the floor and not in his parents' bed but it does show how strong the impetus can be NOT to sleep alone when that is how you have grown up.

My SIL says that in the Filipino culture, no one sleeps alone. It is just not done.

[One_Girl]

Co-sleeping is a small piece of AP that leads to kids who feel more secure. The way you interact with your child is much more important than where your child sleeps at night. I suggest putting on some kid safe shows and getting a nap tomorrow then apologizing for flying off the handle suddenly and expecting her to accept a sudden change in your willingness to be the parent you have always been. I don't know about everyone else, but I have done this also and I have had to apologize for my angry words a few times myself, usually I lose control when I am at the end of my rope and have been letting dd do something that I am not comfortable with for a long long time. It may help to work out a plan and present it to her or to talk to her and set up a plan together to start limiting how much time you spend in her room at night. A night light or a cool dim lamp with moving pictures may help her feel comfortable sleeping alone. Maybe you could make a half hour routine where you read and snuggle then leave for your own bed. At first maybe she could fall asleep in her bed then come into yours if she needs to, this way you get sleep or time to yourself and she gets to come and be with you when she needs to be.

Are you going through any big changes lately? I notice that even now my dd will come into my bed a lot during the middle of the night if there are a lot of changes going on. This tends to be her only sign that the change is affecting her and once she gets used to it she is back to her normal sleeping self. Maybe your dd is taking a long time lately to sleep or is more clingy now because she is coping with a change.

[tallulahma]

I don't know, I'm almost 30 and i cant easily fall sleep alone.

I would see if there is some way that you could help her have a more relaxing experience?

My dd1 is only 5. I sometimes have to sing to her, rub her back, watch a movie with her or even leave her alone and just set her up with a movie. She sets her own bedtime though, so usually by the time she is requesting a parent to cuddle with she is near sleep already.

My mom was the most non-AP in the world and never in all my life was i able to go into a quiet room and lay down and fall asleep alone.

I don't think this seems like a cosleeping issue, it seems more like shes craving safety, closeness and connection?

[LauraN]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

I have often heard co-sleeping advocates say that "they all learn to sleep on their own". I don't know where they get this information but all evidence in cultures where people practice co-sleeping as a family points to the opposite conclusion - they never sleep alone. My Filipina SIL told me that when her sister had to leave town for a week, her BIL went upstairs to sleep with his parents (who live in the same house). Of course, he slept on the floor and not in his parents' bed but it does show how strong the impetus can be NOT to sleep alone when that is how you have grown up.

My SIL says that in the Filipino culture, no one sleeps alone. It is just not done.

You have a point there, RomanGoddess. Still, I think cultural influences and expectations can be stronger than we think. My 7 yr old sometimes prefers sleeping with us--we still have my 5 and 2 yr oldsin our bed-- and he's always welcome, but most nights he'd rather sleep in his own room.
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[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

I have often heard co-sleeping advocates say that "they all learn to sleep on their own". I don't know where they get this information but all evidence in cultures where people practice co-sleeping as a family points to the opposite conclusion - they never sleep alone. My Filipina SIL told me that when her sister had to leave town for a week, her BIL went upstairs to sleep with his parents (who live in the same house). Of course, he slept on the floor and not in his parents' bed but it does show how strong the impetus can be NOT to sleep alone when that is how you have grown up.

My SIL says that in the Filipino culture, no one sleeps alone. It is just not done.

What a great point! Why do some people see sleeping alone as somehow superior to sleeping with loved ones?

OP, I agree with LauraN that there's no reason you can't get your downtime in the same room where your child is falling to sleep.

Also, what about reading a book to her that you both find interesting as your dd is dropping off to sleep? There are so many great books out there to choose from, depending on both of your interests!

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

I have often heard co-sleeping advocates say that "they all learn to sleep on their own". I don't know where they get this information but all evidence in cultures where people practice co-sleeping as a family points to the opposite conclusion - they never sleep alone. My Filipina SIL told me that when her sister had to leave town for a week, her BIL went upstairs to sleep with his parents (who live in the same house). Of course, he slept on the floor and not in his parents' bed but it does show how strong the impetus can be NOT to sleep alone when that is how you have grown up.

My SIL says that in the Filipino culture, no one sleeps alone. It is just not done.

that is kind of crazy. my dh's aunts/SIL share a room. (3 of them) and his aunt who is a widow has always had someone stay with her (a sister, nephew etc) so really no one there ever sleeps alone either.

[mammal_mama]

I do think it's kinda funny the way many AP experts really seem to emphasize the whole "AP'd kids are more independent"-thing. On the one hand, I realize that when children are always pushed to be independent, they definitely do tend to cry and cling more than do children who are allowed to stay close to parents and step out when they feel ready.

On the other hand, when it's presented like the Western ideal is something to be striven for, and AP is the best way of getting there, it seems so silly. Especially since AP philosophy really introduces us to a whole new value system, where most of us reach the point of no longer being in a rush to get our children off the breast or out of our arms and beds.

I actually think the "AP'd kids are more independent"-thing may be sort of a gateway drug to get parents to enter in...once in, many of us reach the point where we no longer want the togetherness to end...but it still seems kind of dishonest to present this as the fast route to independence IMO.

Kinda like how some LLL leaders prefer to have mothers of nursing toddlers and older children discuss their issues at "special" meetings and not in the general meetings, 'cause they're afraid of scaring off new moms who are just getting used to the idea that it's okay to nurse for a year.

[mamazee]

My older dd is very independent, but I don't know if that's natural personality or AP. The younger one is still co-sleeping so no idea yet there.

Anyway, dd #1 co-slept full time till she was three, and then started talking about wanting her own bed. And was back and forth for some period of time. At some point we agreed that she would start out in her bed but could come to ours if she were scared/lonely/whatever. At first she came in very frequently, but it phased out over time and almost never does now. Still, knowing that sleeping with us is available makes a big difference to her and gives her a great feeling of security. You could do your bedtime routine, and then let her know to go to sleep there, and that if she actually does have a nightmare she can crawl in bed with you. She might crawl into bed with you a lot at first, but at some point she's going to be sleeping through the night and too tired to get up. It's more of a security thing at that age sometimes and just the secure feeling she has knowing it's available might be enough for her.

Anyway, sorry you're having trouble and good luck! I wouldn't be able to handle lying in bed for 90 minutes with a 7-year-old either.

[ssh]

My DD decided she wanted to sleep in her own bed in her own room right after turning 4. So it does happen. I usually tuck her in and then say I'll be back. We do any reading before getting into bed.

I had issues with fear at bedtime when I was a kid. Starting at about age 5. My mom would let me lay by her while she watched old movies and then carry me to bed.