Should you make your daughter wear a bra?

[AnnMarie]

My daughter just turned 11 today. She's been starting to develop since last summer. I expect she'll be getting her period soon. Anyway, here's the thing. At first she wanted bras, now that I feel she should wear one she doesn't want to wear them. : I don't know if I should push the issue with her or not? She's developing before the rest of the kids in her class and I thought maybe if she wore a bra it wouldn't cause as much attention to her so she won't get teased or whatever because you can see her nipples through her shirt. Sorry if that's TMI.

What would you do?

[oceanbaby]

Gosh, I really don't know.

I remember when I was 13 or 14, my dad was driving me over to our highschool homecoming dance. He glanced over at me, and registered that I wasn't wearing a bra. I was wearing a flashdance style sweatshirt, and it finally occured to him that there was no brastrap on my bare shoulder. He turned the car around, and made me go home and put a bra on. He kept saying that he knew how lewd guys were, and how they talked about certain girls, and he wasn't going to have me being one of those girls.

Now granted, this was paranoid overprotective daddy/daughter stuff coming out, but I guess I could see where he was coming from.

[AnnMarie]

Originally posted by oceanbaby

Now granted, this was paranoid overprotective daddy/daughter stuff coming out, but I guess I could see where he was coming from.

:LOL I guess that's why you have issues? Who got you with that DDDDC?


Maybe I should lighten up? I don't want my daughter to have issues. :LOL

[Elphaba]

I don't know that I would force her to wear a bra, but I think it would help to find out WHY she's resistant to them. If it's because they're uncomfortable, maybe you could try getting her some tank-style or sports bras.
If it's because she feels weird that she's the only one who needs a bra in her class, well, I don't have any advice there. It's always weird to be "the only one" when you're a preteen or teen, whether you're the first or the last to do something. I guess she needs reassurance from you, but I don't have a clue as to what precisely, or how to say it.

[EllasMummy]

First, Happy 11th Birthday to your DD!:

I was the first in my class to need a bra and get my period. I was 11 too.

My mum took me shopping and let me choose some pretty bras. My sister was the same and she really didnt want to wear a bra so she chose a sleep bra that looked more like a short vest.

How would she feel if you let her choose something herself?

I dont think you should make her wear one if she really objects. I'm sure as soon as another girl in her class is wearing one she will want to.

Perhaps you could encourage her to try wearing it at home at wkends first to see how it feels.

Sorry this is a bit disjointed but ideas keep coming to me as I think about being 11.

HTH

[moondiapers]

This is a tuffy. What about those tank style undershirts to keep her nipples from showing. She doesn't need a support garment at this time, just something to keep her modesty.

-Heather

[mamaley]

i got my period at 11 and i remember when i was either 10 or 11 my mom telling me that i needed a bra with certain shirts. i hated this and thought it was silly that i needed one. i don't think i knew how to explain it to my mom at the time, but i think it was because i still felt like a little girl, but i was supposed to wear this thing that my mother wears. it felt akward. i remember my dad asking why i didn't want to wear one, and this was mortifying.
i guess my advice is to be nonchalant about it. don't make it an issue about how she's becoming a woman (although looking back it is a very cool time in a girls life, but at the time i didn't see it that way) and give her the bra, saying that it might be a good idea to wear it with some tops.
ok, this probably didn't help much at all. and please excuse the typos, nak.

[Dar]

Rain is 11. She has some bras and sometimes she wears them, and other times she doesn't. It's up to her. They're "training bras", so they don't have real cups - they just kind of flatten out the nipples a bit. Most of her friends seem to be at about the same stage, breast-wise.

If people tease her we'll deal with it then, but I don't think we should teach our girls to make decisions based on what other people might say about their bodies. There's nothing wrong with having breasts, you don't have to hide the fact that you have nipples. We did go look at bras when she started developing so she'd have some, and recently she asked if we could go get a few more, so we did...

I'm 35 and almost never wear a bra, FWIW.

Dar

[stik]

If it was my daughter, I wouldn't make her wear a bra but I wouldn't want her nipples showing either.

I think I'd probably talk to her about the problem in private at a neutral time (maybe while folding laundry - clothes are present to be a topic of discussion, but you don't have to criticize whatever she's got on in order to point out that some of these garments are no longer providing adequate coverage) and discuss options. Maybe she could wear an undershirt or tank top under the offending shirts, if she's currently opposed to bras.

[tabitha]

i *rarely* wear a bra. i dont think nipples are a big deal. it took me 21 years and a baby to feel so normal about my breasts, i dont want that to be my daughter's story.

that being my background... bras wont be a 'coming of age' treat, or requirement, here. if my daughter desires a bra, i am sure i can make her something nice. people of all ages have 'issues' but that isnt my daughter's fault. bras serve no purpose IMO. (unless you need support for large breasts and want to wear one)

tabitha

[LavenderMae]

Iwould not make my daughter wear a bra. I think it sends a weird message to force it , like having breast and oh forbid nipples is a bad thing and you must cover them. I could not see making my daughter since I seldom wear a bra myself. Plus I am of the believe bras are bad for breast health too.

[spero]

I encourage my 10yr old to wear a bra. She is developing faster than most of her friends (it's obvious she's going to be big-breasted, like me) and I am not comfortable with her walking around with her nips poking out all the time. Of course there's nothing wrong with them, but there's just too many pervs out there, KWIM? Plus, she really does need the support, for sports...she mentioned that her breasts were hurting when she ran.

I took her shopping last spring and let her choose several pretty bras and a couple of sports bras for softball season. It wasn't at all traumatic for either of us, and she felt very grown-up and responsible for herself.

[mosschops]

ITA! (with Sheacoby)

I've had this discussion in the past at hipmama, and we came to the conclusion that bras seem to matter a lot more to Americans than to europeans! But I would think that if your daughter is happy not wearing one, then that's fine. Why do you feel that she should be? Are you worried about other people's reactions?

I was blessed with very pointy sticky-out nipples, which were clearly visable through most clothering and bras, and they were commented on constantly . WTF??? Why are nipples so important??? I'd be more worried if somebody didn't have them.... I think that they probably ARE still pointy... it's just that they're pointing in a different direction...:LOL

Best of luck mama, I hope she and you had a lovely 11th birthday!!

Steph

[polka hop]

*

[Arduinna]

I am completely with Dar on this one. Not only wouldn't I make her wear one I wouldn't even bring it up. I think all girls go through this. I know my dd did. She is 14 now and doesn't always wear a bra. She does have an assortment of choices in bra styles from traditional ones to tank top style. If she wants to wear them fine, if she doesn't fine.

[AnnMarie]

Originally posted by Dar

If people tease her we'll deal with it then, but I don't think we should teach our girls to make decisions based on what other people might say about their bodies.

Which of course I don't teach her. That's just what I fear. She has enough to deal with in school already, *I* don't want to see her teased because of her perfectly normal body.

Someone mentioned about not wanting to grow up. I know that's not it. She wants to grow up too quick as it is. She doesn't understand why she's not allowed to wear make-up or have boyfriends. :

She used to want to wear bras. I have no idea why she doesn't now. I'll have to talk to her about it more. I'll tell her that when she's ready she has the ones that she picked out before and the ones I bought her, but for now I'll have her, and my other daughter, wear T-shirts. It's not that I don't want her to feel comfortable with her body, it's the other people I worry about. Let's face it, certain things DO attract attention and I don't think 11 is old enough for that kind of attention. There are a lot of sick people out there. For the same reason I don't allow my girls (or boys) to walk around half naked like some of the kids I see. I don't think modestly is a bad thing.

Thanks for all your replies!

Oh, and I think bras are kind of stupid, but I'm not up for changing society on that one. Someone else will have to do it. :LOL

[USAmma]

What if you make it a special "grown up" day for her? Like take her to the salon for a manicure, buy her some light make up (if you wear it yourself and don't mind), and let her get a new outfit . . and a bra at the same time.

When I started to develop I felt so awkward about it and wanted to hide it. I was raised by my father, so he asked a good female friend of his to take me out to get bras. She also painted my nails that day and styled my hair and went out for ice cream. It was special and after that I wore the bras off and on until I felt comfortable enough to wear them full time.

If that doesn't work, maybe give her the talk about boys thinking lewd thoughts and you just want to protect her from that. Maybe she's not aware of that. But don't force it. She'll come around.

Darshani

[Foobar]

I think I started wearing bras around that age because I was getting made fun of because of the nipples.
Sigh.

I personally like the support for my (normally) B cup size, although with pregnancy, I NEED the support for my D+ breasts.

I wouldn't force her, but I would ask. As non confrontational as possible...

[spero]

Originally posted by AnnMarie
Oh, and I think bras are kind of stupid, ...

While I kinda agree with that statement, I still have to say that for us "well-endowed" ladies they are a necessary evil. I am almost 40 years old; and if I didn't wear a bra my breasts would, quite literally, be hanging somewhere around my waistline.

I'm sorry but I don't find that attractive OR comfortable. :

[anothermama]

I am in the minority I guess.......I'd make my dd wear SOMETHING especially if she was showing nipple.

It's all fine and good to say that in an ideal world breasts shouldn't be overly sexualized like that, but it's not an ideal world. Until my daughter can really own her own sexuality then I need to protect her and I already notice gross old men and teenage boys making comments about girls that age when they see them developing. In fact just yesterday my DH yelled at these two 15 year olds who were making sick comments to a girl who musta been 11 or 12 and just didn't seem AWARE that she had breasts and they were OUT THERE because she wasn't in a bra. It's sick. Sure, I plan on raising my boys differently but not everyone has.

Too many wack jobs and horny boys out there for my liking....I think that I can teach my daughter respect and love for her body while also teaching her that others might not always see things that way.

If she didn't want to wear a bra, per say, I'd go with a sports bra or tank or whatever was comfy for her, but once she starts getting breasts, she needs to take care of them.