Is the silent treatment cruel?

[Artichokie]

Today my dh and I took my DD (2.5 yrs) on an outing that she really enjoyed. Eventually it was time to leave and after giving her a (one more time!) warning, we left. She was very upset and expressed her extreme displeasure on the walk back to the car, and while getting into the car, and while driving away. After about 10 min of commiserating with her, and explaining why we needed to leave (the venue was closing), and attempting to distract her with the next stop (a store she enjoys), we finally told her that if she didn't stop whining, yelling, crying, and complaining, we would ignore her and go straight home. She continued going on and on (she is very verbally precocious) and so we stopped acknowledging what she was saying and sat in silence.

OMG you'd think we were tormenting her. She was screaming at us, "MAMA! PAPA! I AM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING!" "MAMA! TALK TO MEEEEE!" and kicking in her seat and trying to kick me, and really becoming out of control. I have actually never seen her so upset - not being acknowledged was clearly the worst experience she has ever had. She is normally very mild mannered and rarely has a temper tantrum so this was very much out of character for her.

I really did not wish to engage in the conversation with her anymore and I could not get her to change the subject. I felt as though ignoring her as she continued to pursue the argument was the appropriate choice of action, but I was very taken aback by how very very upset she was by this.

Is the silent treatment inappropriate for a small child?

[Snapdragon]

I edited out my offensive response. didn't mean to be rude.

[MtBikeLover]

I disagree with the above poster. You tried for 10 minutes to sympathize with her and hear her. I don't think what you did was that cruel.

I do the same. After about 10-15 minutes of listening to one of my kids go on and on and on about something that can't be changed, I will say "I am done with this conversation." and I will not engage any more.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover

I disagree with the above poster. You tried for 10 minutes to sympathize with her and hear her. I don't think what you did was that cruel.

I do the same. After about 10-15 minutes of listening to one of my kids go on and on and on about something that can't be changed, I will say "I am done with this conversation." and I will not engage any more.

I completely agree with this! I do my best and then I say "I'm done with this topic".

[EdnaMarie]

Wow Katie, read my thread, "Anyone try this?"

I think the silent treatment, per se, is not cruel for many children, though not ideal. For the sensitive child it could be devastating but for the strong-willed, optimistic child? Just very irritating.

However, having had a toddler like yours, Artichokie, I am all too aware of what happens when you feed the whine monster. Mine HATES it when I do not feed her arguments. Of course, mine is older and they really are arguments (not fights, just arguments).

I think at 2.5, I would be quiet for some time, then reply with, "I will speak to you when you are calm," or "shhhh..." Sometimes I would start singing and wait for her to join in. Because empathizing and validating at that moment is to the child, reinforcing really, really irritating and unsustainable behavior. So there has to be a way to tell the child you are there for her WITHOUT getting dragged into a whine/complaining vortex.

If you can stand to read my possibly-pregnant, certainly-hormonal venting about my 3.5 year old (and remain calm about your impending future as the mother of a verbal, strong-willed little girl--tip, it's a good grape year, so buy wine now) you will find a TON of useful tips in there.

Especially tips that last beyond the 2.5 stage. A lot of stuff that used to work with us that no longer works was also brought up there.

Good luck. 2.5 was the beginning of my adventure in trying to remain gentle with someone who has been trying really hard to see how gentle she really needs to be with me. And it has tested my every limit.

[mamazee]

"The silent treatment" makes me think of shunning and pretending someone doesn't exist. I do think that's cruel. But that doesn't sound what you're talking about. I wouldn't argue and I'd say, every so often, "I'm not going to talk about that anymore" or whatever (but the same thing every time.) So she knows you're there and not ignoring her existence, but she also knows you aren't going to sit and argue with her. Don't feed it. Kids that age want arguments and power struggles much more than you do and will work harder at it.

[pacificbliss]

I have definitely taken a similar approach by saying something like, "I have explained why we had to leave. This is not up for discussion anymore. When you're done we can talk about something else." Then I don't engage. If there are signs of quieting down I might sing or try another topic or distraction. I don't think you were cruel. It sounds to me like she was surprised by the new approach, instead of getting attention by way of attempted distractions there was suddenly no attention.

[GoBecGo]

I disagree that it's inappropriate. It's a tool i have used similarly - i don't just blank her without warning, but i do, after some long moments of tantrum/etc. say "ok, i'm not going to discuss this anymore". I have also been known to say "i'm sorry, my ears can't hear whining".

I think validating feelings is very important, but it's also very important to recognise when behaviour has become about a power struggle or confrontation rather than what sparked it off. For example if my DD1 says she's angry i will always ask why, listen to her, see if i can help her work out a way to feel better and generally try to help. I do not sit for the hour + she is perfectly capable of, validating that the minor setback which made her angry is a major setback she deserves restitution for.

[curiouscanadian]

My only thought was to wonder if your DD is by any chance still RFing. I could see myself doing something very similar, but DS is RFing still and tends to be a bit insecure in the car as he can't really see us, YK? Periodically he'll just ask "Mama?" as though to make sure I'm still there.

So not aknowledging him - even if I had warned him I was through talking about it - would totally freak him out. Maybe another way around it would've been to start discussing something (anything!) else with your DH so she knows you're still there but are through with her conversation?

[hakeber]

I generally have a hard time with the silent treatment. If my ds were shouting out:

"MAMA! PAPA! I AM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING!" "MAMA! TALK TO MEEEEE!"

I would say "I hear you honey. I know you're sad, but we're really really done talking about that now." And I would probably put on his favorite CD and sing along loudly.

IME, the silent treatment in its true form can make these sort of clashes worse. Leaving fun places is particularly hard for DS. He is only just starting to realize that he will get to back another time.

[ThisCat]

I think it's pretty cruel at any age, but it must be particularly frightening for a small child. I think it's fine to be done discussing a certain issue, but there's no need to ignore a child altogether.

[northcountrymamma]

I think the silent treatment in general is somewhat harsh, however, I would let my child know that I was not going to talk to them about this situation anymore but if there is something else they would like to talk about, I'd be happy to talk to them.

I also would typically put some music on at that time and if they were screaming out of control (non-sensically), try to engage in some song. That works alot in our family...turning sadness to song is magical!

I don't think I could ignore this line:
"MAMA! PAPA! I AM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING!" "MAMA! TALK TO MEEEEE!"
I would have to acknowledge them.

But I think a pp had a good point about being RF...if this was the case, it could make the child really uncomfortable.

[phathui5]

I don't think that it was cruel. You tried to talk to her about it, you asked her to stop screaming and you let her know that you weren't going to talk to her about it.

[Snapdragon]

Originally Posted by ThisCat

I think it's pretty cruel at any age, but must be particularly frightening for a small child. I think it's fine to be done discussing a certain issue, but there's no need to ignore a child altogether.

yes, this is what I mean too. I don't think it is cruel to tell a whining child- I am not going to talk about this anymore, and to stick with that. But to ignore the child altogether- I think is inappropriate.

[petey44]

The silent treatment is an inappropriate response to a person of any age, for any reason. There is a difference between ignoring a person (cruel) and ignoring a topic (fine).
In this case I would have said, "Sweetie, I've explained why we left, I understand that you're upset. Let's talk about something else- would you like to sing a song?" If she's distracted, great. If she's not, and she continues to scream about leaving, I would just continue to repeat the above statement.

[bbsc]

I sometimes will hold my son's hand while we are driving, and he is very upset. And after 10 minutes or so of explanation, it is better for me to just say "Uh huh, you are very sad" and "it's ok to feel sad."

Or "I love you so much."

[ssh]

Originally Posted by petey44

The silent treatment is an inappropriate response to a person of any age, for any reason. There is a difference between ignoring a person (cruel) and ignoring a topic (fine).
In this case I would have said, "Sweetie, I've explained why we left, I understand that you're upset. Let's talk about something else- would you like to sing a song?" If she's distracted, great. If she's not, and she continues to scream about leaving, I would just continue to repeat the above statement.

I agree with this. The silent treatment is even worse for an extrovert who uses interacting with other people to calm down. Also a tantruming child needs a calm adult to help them deal with their overwhelming emotions.

[friskykitty]

Originally Posted by ThisCat

I think it's pretty cruel at any age, but must be particularly frightening for a small child. I think it's fine to be done discussing a certain issue, but there's no need to ignore a child altogether.

Agreed. I would have continued to say things like "I know you are sad." or continue to distract, or hold hands or something. But to completely ignore would not be something I would do. I too am curious to know if your child is still rearfacing. We choose to continue to rear face but, when we travel as a family DH or I always ride in the backseat with little man.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Yeah after 10-15 mins of validating/helping etc, I would be totally fine ignoring. I know some folks think its cruel, but really as we get into minute 16 of the whining/crying/freaking out about something I can't change, the best you might get is being ignored!

I have defintely said to my own and to other kids I'm around, things like, "when you are ready to talk about something else, I'm right here." or "I'll go in the other room when you have calmed down we can xyz." or "Tell me when you are ready/willing to..."

While I value validating and helping through moments, sometimes kids need to do it on their own and sometimes continuing to engage with it just continues it for longer. Sometims they just need a few minutes to freak out about it and then we can all move on.

[zinemama]

Did anyone read the Great Brain series as a kid? In those books, the parents (Utah, early 1900's) made the bizarre choice (from the community's pov) never to strike their children. They punished them only with the silent treatment. The narrator (these are based on his own childhood) often mentioned that they'd rather get whipped like their friends than have the silent treatment for a week. But it certainly didn't seem to do any lasting harm.

I don't think the OP harmed her kid at all. But mostly, it reminded me of those books.