Consequences for Lying? - Page 2

[BohoMama]

Originally Posted by spatulagirl

Since birth, I have told my kids that if they tell the truth I will be very proud and happy. If they lie, I will be upset and sad and discipline accordingly.

I may not like the truth but I always appreciate it when they tell it to me.

Hmmm, I'm following the thread and reading things I like less and like more but this logic is way off: You should tell the truth and not lie because that makes ME happy. Discipline is doled out when I become unhappy. Therefore, learn to keep me happy and your life will run smoothly.

[GoBecGo]

I was having a real problem with this with DD1 (she's 4). She was drawing on walls then hiding it and lying about it. I tried confiscating art supplies. I tried time outs (which were appallingly ineffective because i often found the drawings hours after she'd done them). I shouted (not because i thought it'd work, because i was very mad and sad, given we'd JUST bought the house, and i was 6+months pregnant and not really excited for extra housework).

What finally worked for us was this - we sat down together and i explained how sad and mad it made me when she drew on the walls. And she explained that sometimes she does something and knows i will be sad or mad so she doesn't want to tell me, because i'll be upset. So we made a deal - she will try hard to think about these things before doing them (they certainly seem to happen far less) and IF she does something like that without thinking or because she couldn't help herself she will tell me right away and i will try very hard NOT to be mad or sad, and i will help her figure out a way to fix the damage and make amends. For us this has been hard (for both of us) but making ourselves into a team has made a massive difference, i no longer feel at odds with her and hurt when she makes these mistakes and she no longer feels alone and like she needs to lie when she does it.

[Harlow]

Originally Posted by mom2grrls

Some of the reason kids lie in the first place is b/c they don't want to get into trouble.

We're struggling with lying a lot with my 13 year old and the thing is, SHE KNOWS that she will get off easier by NOT lying, yet continues to lie about the most ridiculous things. I'm almost at my wits end with her. She is a great kid, does well in school etc, but this lying this is really getting me PO'ed.

Example: We ran into some issues getting her into school on-time this year because she hadn't had certain vaccinations and I didn't have my exemption form, so she was home alone on Monday from 8:15am til my hubby came home at 1. I had gone grocery shopping the day before and I had a 6 pack of chocolate pudding in the fridge. When I got home that afternoon, they were GONE. Hubby didn't eat them, DD2 didn't eat them, I didn't eat them, so it leaves one person....
She swore up and down it wasn't her but based upon her reaction, we KNOW it was her. She did the same thing with a bag of yummy earth gummy bears.

Another scenario is that she wrote her name repeatedly on her bedroom furniture (her name!!) and claims it wasn't her...Like i said, in our home, if you tell the truth and own up to something, rarely are there consequences aside from explaining why we shouldn't do said thing.

What gives???



I just don't know how to break her of this habit. I don't want a compulsive liar for a child. I'd love to hear some suggestions pertaining to a teenager.

[mom2grrls]

What gives???
I just don't know how to break her of this habit. I don't want a compulsive liar for a child. I'd love to hear some suggestions pertaining to a teenager. >>>>>>

Perhaps after she ate that 6 pk of pudding she felt guilty and is hiding that by just denying it happened. I would look for an underlying issue, the lies may be covering up some kind of hurt/anger/wanting some control/etc that she has. So rather than thinking of her as a compulsive liar think about what would cause her to react that way in the first place.
When I come into a situation that I know one of my kids did-my middle liked to write on furniture for awhile-I said, I see you wrote your name here(no tone just description). I told her if she wanted to have her name on her furniture she could use say a label that came off rather than pen or marker. For the pudding-perhaps see if she would like to help with the grocery list/shopping and if there are items that maybe she can have for herself and not share. That way when say her pack of pudding(or candy) is gone she's done.

[mamazee]

Another scenario is that she wrote her name repeatedly on her bedroom furniture (her name!!) and claims it wasn't her...Like i said, in our home, if you tell the truth and own up to something, rarely are there consequences aside from explaining why we shouldn't do said thing.

When I was late in pregnancy and when my baby was new, my older daughter went through a phase of marking things, like marking her territory. She was writing things, mainly her name, in odd places, like on walls (and she hadn't written on walls in AGES) and I caught her trying to carve in a brand new table! I think this odd urge to mark territory is probably related to the impending new baby, but she might not understand why she's doing it, and my be lying because she doesn't know how to talk about it or something.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by mamazee

When I was late in pregnancy and when my baby was new, my older daughter went through a phase of marking things, like marking her territory. She was writing things, mainly her name, in odd places, like on walls (and she hadn't written on walls in AGES) and I caught her trying to carve in a brand new table! I think this odd urge to mark territory is probably related to the impending new baby, but she might not understand why she's doing it, and my be lying because she doesn't know how to talk about it or something.

We moved four times in less than two years. When we moved into this place, my son and I were agreed that this would be our last move. He had NEVER written on any walls in ANY place we had lived and he was 3.5 so definitely knew better. He used my brick-red lipstick to draw a dragon on the cream living room wall.

We talked about it after I finished washing the wall and it turned out that he wanted to mark this house as HIS; he wanted something definite to say that this was HIS house and he wasn't moving again. Sooo...we decided that he could use one wall in his bedroom for writing. He wrote on that wall for two days and hasn't done it since on any wall. He had a NEED to mark his place, ya know?

[spatulagirl]

Originally Posted by BohoMama

Hmmm, I'm following the thread and reading things I like less and like more but this logic is way off: You should tell the truth and not lie because that makes ME happy. Discipline is doled out when I become unhappy. Therefore, learn to keep me happy and your life will run smoothly.

Yes, that is exactly how I run the house.

Lying to m makes me upset. If I were to lie to my kids, that would make them upset. I don't think it is emotionally manipulative to explain how something makes me feel. Discipline is doled out if they lie. And by discipline I mean consequences. But my kids rarely lie to me. They might try it once and all I ask if that is the truth. I remind them I don't like lies (and I don't!) and if they tried to lie, that is when they usually tell me what happened. Then I say thank you because I know it must have been hard. Then we fix the problem.