Sad Dad.

[kgreenemama]

DS (27 mo) only "likes" DH when I'm not around. If I'm in the room, it is I who must change the diaper, peel the apple, bathe him, carry him, buckle him into the carseat, etc. Any of Dad's attempts result in a "NO DADDY! Mommy wants to do it." Of course, we do not give in to all of his demands. It's not possible. So DH drags him to the bathtub, kicking and screaming, "Go AWAY Daddy!"

We understand that it is normal toddler behavior to show parental preference, and DH really takes it in stride, but I'm beginning to feel sorry for DH. It's gotten so bad that when I do something DS doesn't like, he'll accidentally say, "No Daddy," to me. It's like this reflex to anything Dad-ish. And if DH tries to hold my hand or massage my shoulders, it's all DS can do to wrench himself between us, tears, screams, and all.

They have time alone together, although, not nearly as much as DS and I have together. We talk about being nice with our words over and over, I insist on a family hug before bed if DS refuses to hug Dad on his own, and we're trying to work more Daddy time into our schedule. DH is a very gentle, relaxed, even soothing man. So it's not as if Daddy's ways have frightened DS. When I'm gone, they have a lot of fun together, and DS will be affectionate.

Can anyone offer any other creative advice to get a toddler to warm up to Dad in my presence? Or tell me when our efforts might start paying off? THANKS!

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by kgreenemama

DS (27 mo) only "likes" DH when I'm not around. If I'm in the room, it is I who must change the diaper, peel the apple, bathe him, carry him, buckle him into the carseat, etc. Any of Dad's attempts result in a "NO DADDY! Mommy wants to do it." Of course, we do not give in to all of his demands. It's not possible. So DH drags him to the bathtub, kicking and screaming, "Go AWAY Daddy!"

We understand that it is normal toddler behavior to show parental preference, and DH really takes it in stride, but I'm beginning to feel sorry for DH. It's gotten so bad that when I do something DS doesn't like, he'll accidentally say, "No Daddy," to me. It's like this reflex to anything Dad-ish. And if DH tries to hold my hand or massage my shoulders, it's all DS can do to wrench himself between us, tears, screams, and all.

They have time alone together, although, not nearly as much as DS and I have together. We talk about being nice with our words over and over, I insist on a family hug before bed if DS refuses to hug Dad on his own, and we're trying to work more Daddy time into our schedule. DH is a very gentle, relaxed, even soothing man. So it's not as if Daddy's ways have frightened DS. When I'm gone, they have a lot of fun together, and DS will be affectionate.

Can anyone offer any other creative advice to get a toddler to warm up to Dad in my presence? Or tell me when our efforts might start paying off? THANKS!

It's just a phase.

At this age, Mummy is still the childs world. If you are still nursing, there is a HUGE bond there that Daddy just can't do.

I was the only one my daughter wanted until about 3. Then it was Papi, Papi, Papi.

[midnightwriter]

It is a phase. I'd actually try to accommodate his wishes as much as possible--he's only a baby still!

In what instances DH has to drag DS to the bathtub? Is this when you are truly incapacitated, or simply prefer not to take him? Yesterday I was feeling very sick, and DD refused to take a bath with DH. We simply decided to give her a bath later. If I was able to get up, I would have given her a bath.

I'd be worried I were creating an actual resentment towards Dad if I were forcing those interactions. Right now it is not a resentment, just a developmentally appropriate phase.

[puddle]

Part of it is definitely a phase. Part of it may be power-struggle related. "I refuse to hug Daddy just because you're trying to MAKE me!" And probably a lot of it is about messing with routines. To you, peeling an apple is just about getting it ready to eat. The peeled apple is the goal, and it shouldn't matter who does it. To your DS, it's all about the apple-peeling routine. Part of the apple-peeling routine involves Mommy doing the peeling, and if she isn't doing it then the whole routine is wrong wrong wrong. If it's really important to your family that Daddy do the bathing, then maybe you can gently transition to Daddy doing all the baths so that that becomes the new routine and your DS knows what to expect. If you do 5 baths a week and Daddy does 2, then those 2 are throwing his whole world out of whack. Maybe you could go for a walk or something to be out of the house during the transition to make it easier to accept why you "can't" perform the expected routine, and/or move bathtime to a different bathroom if there is another available.

[ASusan]

totally agree with Puddle. And the others who say it's a developmentally appropriate phase. We have a very similar situation with DS (32 mos). It was (is) exacerbated when there are periods when I do more hands-on care of DS. After a period of 3 weeks when DH had some intense work responsibilities, DS was clambering for me for every little thing. Now that we're back into a phase where DH and I split the hands-on care a little more evenly, DS is accepting DH more and more. (and my DH sounds much like your DH - very understanding of DS, soothing...)

Last night, I did all the kitchen clean-up and laundry while DH did the entire bedtime routine. And putting DS to sleep took about 1.5 hours (after the routine). I didn't step in once, and DH left out the "go kiss mommy goodnight" because that results in DS no longer accepting Dad as the one putting him to bed and I have to take over the rest of the routine. DS did ask for me, but DH just kept repeating, "Mommy's cleaning..." DS was fine and eventually went to sleep. (His not sleeping was more about wanting to stay awake - glass of water, potty - & eczema scratching than it was about missing mommy.)

[laohaire]

If it makes you feel any better - for the first two years, DD was all about Mommy.

Now Daddy has his revenge. DD is SUCH a daddy's girl.

[hakeber]

Have you ever read this story by Frank O'Connor: http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cy...1-oconnor.html

It's pretty amusing.

In a year or so, he might be all about Daddy. I wouldn't worry too much about it. These things swing in roundabouts.

[poppan]

My kids are still doing this and they are almost 3.5 y.o. It's annoying.

They got better when DH had one week of vacation (while I worked) and stayed home with them and took them swimming every day. I guess they had fun with him because after that it got a little better. But they still have mommy preference, it's just not as bad.

We try to take it in stride and remind ourselves that it's just a phase, and don't react too much. We'll try to make it fun and have dad do it sometimes, but if there are big protests I will step back in.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by hakeber

Have you ever read this story by Frank O'Connor: http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cy...1-oconnor.html

It's pretty amusing.

In a year or so, he might be all about Daddy. I wouldn't worry too much about it. These things swing in roundabouts.

That's a great read! Thanks.

OP, nothing helpful to add, but I can comiserate with your husband. I do EVERYTHING for DD (17 mos.), but if Daddy is available she will have nothing to do with me. It's not that she doesn't like me, it's just that everything I can do, Daddy can do BETTER.

[LCBMAX]

In these kinds of phases, my husband will just get in the bath by himself, with bubbles and toys, and start singing and playing loudly and sounding like he's having SO much fun that even I want to get in. Son and I will wander in to check it out, and there's a fun game in progress with plenty of room for a new participant. Before he knows it, my son is in the water happily making fart sounds with daddy.

That type thing has worked great to lure our kid away from me. Making it seem like it's HIS idea.

[kgreenemama]

Wow. Such wise advice! Thanks everyone! I am going to pass along these ideas to DH.

Today, the three of us were sitting on the sofa together, and DH picked him up and put him on his lap. DS squirmed away and said his usual, "NO DADDY. Want to sit on Mommy's lap." I asked why and he actually said, "Daddy is no fun." Terrible, terrible, I know. But maybe there's something there to work on too.

Thanks again!

[healthy momma]

Originally Posted by LCBMAX

In these kinds of phases, my husband will just get in the bath by himself, with bubbles and toys, and start singing and playing loudly and sounding like he's having SO much fun that even I want to get in. Son and I will wander in to check it out, and there's a fun game in progress with plenty of room for a new participant. Before he knows it, my son is in the water happily making fart sounds with daddy.

That type thing has worked great to lure our kid away from me. Making it seem like it's HIS idea.

Love this idea!!

[loraxc]

I disagree that you should go with it and give in to the "mommy only" demands. I have friends who have "gone with the phase" and it became a self-perpetuating thing where dad felt more and more distant and less and less important. Then Mom gets resentful because she never gets a break. It's a bad dynamic, IMO.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by loraxc

I disagree that you should go with it and give in to the "mommy only" demands. I have friends who have "gone with the phase" and it became a self-perpetuating thing where dad felt more and more distant and less and less important. Then Mom gets resentful because she never gets a break. It's a bad dynamic, IMO.

I agree with you to a point. It can be done gentle.

Like have mom show dad how to do the apple so next time he does it "right".

Or encouraging team work.

My girls were very much so daddy's girl. I was the one that could not do it right! My dh would tell the girls mommy has her way daddy has his way both gets you taken care of.

[BellaClaudia]

I have the exact situation.
Partially it is the phase and all but paritally it is the parenting style..
daddy being bit less patient and more ready to discipline for
slightest reason or resistance without understanding the childs point and
the apropriatness of the stages... but then again ...
and again.. not being as much time and not having the bond I have
he just does not get the child as I do.. me and dd just understand
eachother..

the same with discipline.. I know and I feel her and sometimes
it is enough for me to just give her "the look" whereas my husband
would suggest taking her all toys and alikes to the seventh generations ago..

anyways..

what I think is that the last thing your husband should do is to
force him against his will

and also I think that you should get more pro active regarding
encouraging him towards his father as maybe I missed that somwhere
in your message as you maybe doing it already..

but assuming a child will flip towards him at his own conviciton is a little
hope at this age and dads do tend to get uspet, frustrated and simply
sad because who woudl not eventually..they are parents too and they
do care and love..

my thing was to talk to my dd a lot about dad when he was at work
and preparing her how to greet him.. how to show him how she loves him
and how happy he will be.. talking about his feelins as much as possible..

having a dd making a project beofre dad comes just for him.. to show
or having dad to call right from before he comes home so dd can see and wave from the window and anticipate his coming..


when comes to everyday little routines.. my lines were.. or are

"dad will be really sad if you won't let him to change you.. let put your shoes on.. etc.. whatever"

"dad will cry .. you know.. he will be just so upset if.."

"you know.. dad of X...Y...Z.. child that we know.. is giving her bath..
tiding her shoe.. makes her juice.. puts her socks on.. whatever.."

that helps a lot they visualize and ralize something .. feelings..
other kids... their parents and that makes them to see other side
or just get jelous of other kids and wanting THAAAAAAt.

whatever works..

my dad woudl bring canadies and always something in his bag
when he was coming from work and that was driving me bananas
to wait for him to come back home bribary? no he really was a loving
father and yet again bribery? I will never know but this was what
fathers did back then.. he always had somethign little for me
either a paper clip or a paper plain or a drawing or a candy or lolipop
something enough for me to associate his coming with a gift he brought
and then when I was bigger it was jsut the joy of him coming home
after work, no candies needed it was just great to have dad home.

good luck