Friend lost her daughter

[penguintattoo]

My friends 4 year old daughter died tragically this past week. She was an amazing little girl who lit up the room. She loved everyone know matter who they were. Please tell me a way I can help my friend, what do I do?

[Katie T]

Your poor friend. My heart breaks for her and everyone who loved that little girl. I had a friend who lost her little boy in a auto accident and I will share what she has told me helped her. I was doing it not even realizing it at the time. (it has been 9yrs ago now )

Don't be afraid to bring up her daughter. My friend said she hated that people acted like Tyler never existed.

Meals are always a nice thing, they have to eat and if they have other children they will appreciate it even more.

Don't always wait for her to call you. I would call my friend about once a week just so she knew I was thinking of them and to ask if she needed anything. (She always told me she didn't but that didn't stop meals from showing up on her doorstep). Some times she didn't answer her phone and that was fine but so many people stop talking to you when you have a loss because they don't know what to say and it is uncomfortable for them.

Be there to listen when she needs it.

If she has other children offer to take them for a walk or to the park. Depending of the details surrounding her daughters death she may not be comfortable with that. You may not want to offer depending.

Mainly just be a shoulder to cry on, a ear to listen with, and arms to offer lots of love.

My thoughts and prayers are with her and the family. No one should have to go through this.

[nola79]

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

[Gismobabe]

When I lost my son I had a friend call me very day at night and ask me how my day was. Before she did it, she told me she was planning to do this if I was ok with it. I talked to her later about it and she told me how hard it was.
It is not fun to be with people who lose their children. We are out of control, our lives are shattered and it feels so good to have a friend who can take the pain and to call you every day to just listen evn if it means they hur with you.

[ariahsmum]

I would add... show up at her house and pitch in when you see things that need doing- living children care and play, trash removal, recycling out, laundry, errands. Vacuum.

I'm not implying that your friend will care if her house is neat, but for us when our son died, people who cared about us stopped stopping by. People would call or send a card and ask if there is anything they can do, but of course we knew of nothing, we just wanted our son back. What could anyone do?

But on the occassion where someone stopped over, they may say "I have some time, and I'd like to help. Is it okay if I stay for a bit?" And oftentimes, in addition to them cleaning out the rotting food we never had an appetite for from the fridge (I still agree to bring food though, lol) I would end up talking with them, crying, being nurtured.

I wouldn't have been able to do that if they hadn't of walked thru the door. I think it is a common misperception that community should give the grieving family space and stay away. I think they need space in the way of quiet and calm, and holding space, but not as in don't go over and leave them alone. Death and loss can be very isolating.

If you do go, take your lead from your friend. Do what needs to be done around the house, but let her talk as she wishes. Don't talk about yourself and your life. Don't try to fill space or entertain her. Likely she can't give attention to you in that way at this time in her life. Kinda like being with a laboring mom. Just the other side- hell, not celebration.

HTH, and many hugs to your friend.

[momtoS]

So so sorry for your friends loss. A friend (although not super close friend) lost her daughter in an accident this winter. Heartbreaking. I kind of felt bad because whenever I see her, I am okay for a bit and then I always burst into tears sobbing and telling her that she was/is such a great mom, I just can't figure why she has to go through this, and why a child had to die. So, of course, even if she was holding it together I make her start crying too. And then we hug. EVERYTIME I see her (it has been six months since the accident). I do feel incredibly foolish doing this.....and to be honest I don't feel like I should go around her as much....because I cry. I feel like I should be strong for her. (Sorry to highjack your thread)....

Anyways, I am currently working on a small digital scrapbook of pictures of her daughter, it is small enough (4X6) to put in her purse and I am hoping that she likes it.

[Katie T]

Originally Posted by momtoS

So so sorry for your friends loss. A friend (although not super close friend) lost her daughter in an accident this winter. Heartbreaking. I kind of felt bad because whenever I see her, I am okay for a bit and then I always burst into tears sobbing and telling her that she was/is such a great mom, I just can't figure why she has to go through this, and why a child had to die. So, of course, even if she was holding it together I make her start crying too. And then we hug. EVERYTIME I see her (it has been six months since the accident). I do feel incredibly foolish doing this.....and to be honest I don't feel like I should go around her as much....because I cry. I feel like I should be strong for her. (Sorry to highjack your thread)....

Anyways, I am currently working on a small digital scrapbook of pictures of her daughter, it is small enough (4X6) to put in her purse and I am hoping that she likes it.

I think she will love the scrapbook! I think that knowing you care so much is very comforting to her.

[SC_Jan]

I agree with all of the above! It is so hard to ask for help or even know WHAT you need.

[simonee]

Sorry I had posted in the wrong thread.

A friend of mine lost her 3yo. All you can do is listen to her, hold her, cry and laugh when she wants to, now but also much much later.

[nurunannesi]

Originally Posted by ariahsmum 

I would add... show up at her house and pitch in when you see things that need doing- living children care and play, trash removal, recycling out, laundry, errands. Vacuum.

I'm not implying that your friend will care if her house is neat, but for us when our son died, people who cared about us stopped stopping by. People would call or send a card and ask if there is anything they can do, but of course we knew of nothing, we just wanted our son back. What could anyone do?

But on the occassion where someone stopped over, they may say "I have some time, and I'd like to help. Is it okay if I stay for a bit?" And oftentimes, in addition to them cleaning out the rotting food we never had an appetite for from the fridge (I still agree to bring food though, lol) I would end up talking with them, crying, being nurtured.

I wouldn't have been able to do that if they hadn't of walked thru the door. I think it is a common misperception that community should give the grieving family space and stay away. I think they need space in the way of quiet and calm, and holding space, but not as in don't go over and leave them alone. Death and loss can be very isolating.

If you do go, take your lead from your friend. Do what needs to be done around the house, but let her talk as she wishes. Don't talk about yourself and your life. Don't try to fill space or entertain her. Likely she can't give attention to you in that way at this time in her life. Kinda like being with a laboring mom. Just the other side- hell, not celebration.

HTH, and many hugs to your friend.

I agree, people who lose a child need space but with support, just like laboring moms...I know I was so grateful to be surrounded by friends pretty much 24/7 for the first several weeks following my daughter's death. I didn't want to be alone, I couldn't have handled that...but at the same time, they let me do as I pleased and were there if I needed anything. They let me talk, or not, and comforted me. They let me cry, or not, and just listened. They took care of my older daughter when I was not filtering anything for anybody and she did not need to hear what I was saying.

I would say to anyone trying to help and not knowing how, just be there, physically, and as consistently as you can. We need people to anchor us when our world is swept away, even if they have no idea of which direction to head. That's okay, nobody expects you to have answers. We know that there aren't any, unfortunately. But you are a comfort, just in your presence.

I am so sorry for your friend's loss. I pray that she is doing okay, and I know her baby and mine are both playing in heaven right now.
 

[raelize]

i lost my brother in march.  even as an adult, your children are always your babies.  i know that having people come to hang out in the garden was helpful, also having people just randomly drop off food was great or my parents wouldn't have eaten anything.  this can continue for MONTHS afterward. having people urge mymother to go for walks with them.  i know for me, having people urge me to meet them at the park with my kids and just calling to invite us out was nice.  otherwise i would have just haunted the house with my kids.  and letting your friend know that if she needs to take a nap when you are there is fine.  i know at that stage of grief i was exhausted all the time and had no reserves to take care of my kids, so just having my SIL say, go take a nap, i'll hang out with the kids, was really helpful

[tippy]

Originally Posted by Katie T 

Your poor friend. My heart breaks for her and everyone who loved that little girl. I had a friend who lost her little boy in a auto accident and I will share what she has told me helped her. I was doing it not even realizing it at the time. (it has been 9yrs ago now )

Don't be afraid to bring up her daughter. My friend said she hated that people acted like Tyler never existed.

Meals are always a nice thing, they have to eat and if they have other children they will appreciate it even more.

Don't always wait for her to call you. I would call my friend about once a week just so she knew I was thinking of them and to ask if she needed anything. (She always told me she didn't but that didn't stop meals from showing up on her doorstep). Some times she didn't answer her phone and that was fine but so many people stop talking to you when you have a loss because they don't know what to say and it is uncomfortable for them.

Be there to listen when she needs it.

If she has other children offer to take them for a walk or to the park. Depending of the details surrounding her daughters death she may not be comfortable with that. You may not want to offer depending.

Mainly just be a shoulder to cry on, a ear to listen with, and arms to offer lots of love.

My thoughts and prayers are with her and the family. No one should have to go through this.

this suggestions are great. i lost my 4.5 mo old son 2.5 months ago, and i have really appreciated when my friends did some of these things. also, i would like to suggest getting her a personalized piece of jewelry or something that she can wear to remind her of her daughter. a woman from my church made me a personalized necklace, and i bought one, and wear them daily. really anything personalized to memorialize her dd i think she would appreciate. i'm so sorry for her loss.
 

[nomad-at-heart]

Thank you for starting this thread. My best friend here (who unfortunately moved 9000 km away) lost their 4 week- old in November. And it is so hard to "do"something from so far away. I try to call her every week, if she has time, that is good, if no, that's also fine. We also collected money so that they can go to counselling. But apart from that, I just do not know what to do. I would love to bring food over or stuff lkie that, but they're just so far away.

So thank you, I got some good ideas already

Take care (and extra hug your little ones)

nomad