"Mommy, I don't want to go to preschool."

[lisavark]

DD will be 2.5 in August. In January this year she started at a two-day/week toddler Montessori program. She LOVED it and I did too. She had already quit napping most days at that point, so getting the break a couple days a week was like HEAVEN for me (I SAH and work freelance when I can). She adjusted really quickly and understood that Tuesdays and Thursdays were the days she went, and she was always really excited about going.

At the beginning of the summer her teacher felt like she was ready to move into the primary program, so they've started to transition her. They started giving her a choice about which class she wants to go to, and they started encouraging me to "try to bring her" more often--at least three consecutive days per week. The director said it was ok if we just came Tues/Wed/Thurs for a while and not Monday or Tuesday.

Well. This was ok for a few weeks, although I never managed to bring her consecutive days. She doesn't sleep well and has been trying to drop her nap since 18 months, but if she napped she would stay up really late no matter what I did...anyway, yeah, it just didn't work. But I finally managed to take her several days in a row the week before last, and ever since then she has not wanted to go to preschool. She used to get all excited and happy when I told her it was a "preschool day." But now she says she doesn't want to go, she asks to stay home, and she says she doesn't like preschool.

Which totally sucks.

I really love this school. I love the director and all the teachers, and I feel like DD gets things there that I don't give her at home. I never planned on SAHMing, and it's hard for me. I LOVE working and I miss it, and those two mornings a week give me sanity. Especially since DD doesn't nap anymore, ever. I don't want her to be away from me all the time, but I really don't want to be with her all the time either. She has never slept all night either, so I'm with her all night as well.

So. The way I see it, I have a couple of options. One is to keep asking the school to be flexible with us and take her two days a week until she's ready to go more. They might be willing to do that--I think there's a good chance they would. But I know they'll keep kind of pushing--gently, but still pushing--to get me to bring her more. They'll keep saying they feel like she's ready. And eventually that will drive me crazy. She's NOT ready. I'll know when she is.

Another option is for me to come with DD some days. I've been talking with the director about working there eventually--they're starting a high school class, and I want to teach high school, and the more I learn about it the more I want to teach Montessori high school. The high school program won't start till next year, but I had talked with the director about doing *something* at the school so I could be around when DD started going more frequently. I don't know if that will really work for DD if I'm not in the classroom with her. Maybe they would let me stay in the classroom sometimes. I don't know. I don't want to be the pain-in-the-bum parent who demands lots of special treatment for their kid! But I'm not sending DD five days a week without me. She is not ready for that and it is not happening.

Another option would be to take her out and take a break. Hire a part-time nanny or regular babysitter so I still get some time to work and come back a better parent. Learn more about Montessori and do some homeschool stuff so DD gets some of the experiences she's "missing" from the classroom. Try for primary again next January, when DD will be 3, or maybe next fall when she's 3.5. But I really am not sure she'll be ready then either. I find it hard to imagine she'll be ready for five days a week before she's close to five.

Whew. Sorry this post is so long. I'm really stressing about it all. I don't really think preschool is that important, in itself. But I guess I'm afraid that if I take her out then we won't be able to get back into Montessori, or into this school, when she IS ready for full-time school, and I really would like for her to be able to go to Montessori long-term.

Anyway, the real reason I wanted to post all this was to ask: are there any other possibilities that I'm not thinking of? How else could I work out this dilemma? Help me think outside the box some more...

[SomedayMom]

How does what she says in the morning compare to her actual attitude while she's AT the school? My oldest went through phases of can't wait to get to school and phases of I don't want to go to school, I just want to stay home. Either way though, his actual days at school were fun and happy. What he conveyed to me during those "I don't want to go" phases was just that he would rather stay home. I have never pulled him out, but in those phases I've tried to give him a little more special time with me.

If she's actually not happy while at school though, I would definitely talk with them. To me, pulling her and putting her back later would be the last option. I also understand the SAHM needing a bit of a break thing. Until this last year I worked 2 days a week, but I've had the year off and I love it, but it's overwhelming and those mornings made me a better mom for sure. My younger son just turned 3. This whole last year he was in the 3 morning toddler program. He'll start primary in late August. I think if you want to keep her in toddlers until she's 3, they should be willing to do that. She may be ready for primary in many ways, but if the schedule is making her miserable at school then she isn't fully ready yet. Mine wouldn't have been ready for 5 days at 2.5. But he went to the preschool summer camp for several weeks, 5 mornings, and he loved it and is totally ready now, at 3.

[lisavark]

No, she's totally happy at school as far as I can tell. The teacher always says she does fine. But DD sometimes says she was sad at school because she missed me.

I'm also trying to nightwean her right now so that could be related...

I think my biggest issue is that *I* am not ready for her to go five days a week! I don't want her to and I don't think she's ready. I don't see any reason for it because I'm home all the time and she's my only child--it makes no sense at all for her to go to school every day. So it's possible this has as much to do with me as with her. If I were sending her two days a week and she sometimes didn't want to go, it wouldn't phase me at all, because *I* need those two days. But five days is just way too much.

I guess I'll beg the director to let me keep her in the two day program longer... we've had this conversation already though. I really don't want to pull her out entirely! But I also don't want to keep having this discussion repeatedly over the entire year, you know?

[CT Mommy]

I agree. This is probably just a phase that she is going through. She is probably going through something developmentally and may just need more time at home or w/mama, or away from school. I think it is probably very exhausting for a 2.5 year old to be away from home and have to work so hard to be "good" etc., that she may not be able to handle her personal development at the same time.

My now 4.5 year old has been wise beyond his years. He has never gone to preschool (and believe me, I needed a break from this one) and every year verbalized that he did not want to go. That he wasn't ready. I respected that and didn't enroll him. Now, he IS ready and cannot wait to go this fall, where he'll be 2nd year in the children's house. He is ready to go, and I am really excited for him.

My advise, is to let her stay home when she wants to and let her go when she wants to. I know, it's a waste of $$ when she doesn't go. It will be difficult to plan things for awhile. And yes, I would worry about the consistency and routine etc. But, if you are a Montessori parent, you need to really trust and respect what your daughter is telling you. She knows what she needs and it would be really tough to dismiss her feelings/thoughts. Even if she is "only" tired, or its' "just a phase"--these are important facets for her. This is the kind of issue I find after 4 kids, that lay the ground work for your future relationship. If you trust her now, she knows she can always trust you. Besides, You've already said that she's not ready--and that you'll know when she is, so you sound really tapped into your daugther and her needs. You'll just know when the time is right.

Can she just do 1/2 day? My experience is that my 2.5 year old (who isn't in preschool yet and won't be next fall) could never do a full day. He is not ready. And, he is not ready for preschool at this point. He occasionally naps, which I am happy about, and even when he doesn't he has one full hour of "rest time" in his room that REALLY helps. He usually sits in his bed and plays/reads books/etc. My kids school really wants me to enroll him, but it is my choice at this point. I have 4 kids (my 2.5 yo is the 3rd), so this is his chance to be the big kid at home. To have mommy more to himself and, frankly, for me to spend some quality time with him like I' did w/the other kids. It's for both him and me. THere is nothing wrong with that. You and your dd are a partnership and she is so young. Do what's best for you and your child. Don't worry about the school.

And, you shouldn't worry about her missing anything. This is montessori. Non-competitive, child led. She's 2.5!!! What could she possibly miss at this point. I sounds like your the caring, nurturing kind of mom that has provided a great environment for her to learn at home. At 2.5, she is probably doing pink tower? or washing dishes? or coloring? or painting? or helping you fold clothes? dressing herself? she is/can probably doing those things at home. Give her room to explore and do things on her own at home and try to replicate the montessori way of storing toys and activities. Let her choose her own--including when she is ready for school. She likes the school (and so do you), which is half the battle, but you want her to keep liking school. That's the most important thing right now, not whether or not she can do the pink tower 6 months earlier...

One more thought about this. This situation is probably also laying the groundwork about how she will feel about school in the future. Will she want to go and embrace learning? Or will she find that it's a burden? There are usually 2 schools of thought on this: Make her go little by little until she is ready, or just wait until she is ready. As you can probably tell, I'm from the latter camp.

You've come up with GREAT solutions, especially since you're probably sleep deprived and this is hard, so give yourself a break. Really think about what makes you comfortable. You are a great parent with great intuition. Follow that intuition and I'll bet you come up with the right solution for you.

I hope I've given you a few nuggets to chew on--Good luck Mama!

[lisavark]

Thanks so much for all the encouragement and ideas!! My meeting with the director today was wonderful. She told me we can stick with 2 days/week until next year (when DD will be 3) and then start adding more days. She'd rather it be 2 consecutive days rather than Tuesday and Thursday, which I'm ok with although I think Tuesday/Thursday is easier for DD. But I'm going to talk with the teacher and try sticking with T/Th for a few weeks and then switch to Wednesday/Thursday next month. I think DD will be ok with that because it'll mean we can go to our favorite library storytime on Tuesdays!

And I will definitely keep asking her and not taking her when she doesn't want to go. I appreciate what you said about trusting her and letting her know she can trust me. I totally agree with that.

Anyway, I hope this will all work out! I'm definitely also planning on working at the school (teaching the adolescent program they're starting!!) starting a year from now, so hopefully DD will be ready by then. But even then I'll have a lot of flexibility in my schedule, so I'll be able to keep her home some days if we need to do that...