why i dislike sundays/equality

[rosadesal]

xp was never a supportive, strong man. i felt very alone in my pregnancy, and after dd was born he was too busy sleeping to get me a glass of water let alone help me walk to the bathroom or watch dd so i could rest. we split up just before she turned 1, and she is now 3. he dropped her off tonight and suddenly had this revelation this weekend that maybe we should discuss our parenting philosophies and discipline methods because we apparently disagree. he comes over here all big man like and expects me to drop what i'm doing (a friend had come over to fix my bike - outside in the dark, alone, because i am inside listening to my ex tell me about his ideas), but then left without resolution and is "too busy" to discuss it further.

one: i'm irritated that i had to drop what i was doing to hear him out, and that now he's busy and we can't finish the conversation until he's not busy which might be tomorrow or in 5 days or something, and in the meantime, he's mr dad of the year for telling me that we need to talk and sitting me down.

two: i have a really hard time respecting his assertiveness to begin with because he always brings up how we are EQUAL PARTNERS and how we have EQUAL time with her and everything is perfectly EQUAL. because you know, carrying a child and birthing her and feeding her and working two jobs while doing so and then coming home to hear him whine about how there wasn't dinner or how dare i want some time to myself, is totally equal, right? birthing a child is so not worth recognizing as anything special, right?

three: i am clearly still bitter about things from three years ago. how the heck do you get over it when you have a CONSTANT reminder of all your own ugly choices on top of theirs, because you are choosing to coparent?

so, um, i want to feel special and recognized for the effort i've put forth. i don't want him to think he's suddenly the greatest dad because he has an opinion - it's probably his latest girlfriend's opinion...and fwiw, it's better than the last girlfriend's opinion, i guess...i want to not be so bitter...and overall, i'd really like to get to a point where we can coparent without the emotional letdown such as tonight when half way through a tense conversation, he bails. he came over, asked my friend to go outside so we could have a private conversation, and then left and now is too busy to finish said conversation.

lastly, i'm feeling really defeated. dd came home and was upset to see me. xp says our parenting styles differ and he has issues with me trying to create structure in her life. he insists he's at a "good place" in his life, and that because he has a nice 2br apartment and a good job and his mom to take care of everything else he might need, that he's the more stable home while i have a tiny 1br, am working and going to school, on food stamps so that i can go to school, and you know...making sure dd is fed, clothed, and enrolled in preschool for fall. i don't think he even knows her dr.'s name...and yet i'm supposed to respect his role in her life.

so, how do i do it? how do you respect an ex partner when they make you so downright miserable? i don't want to be miserable. i want to enjoy him for who he is while recognizing that we suck as a couple - it's been two years! when does this get easier???

[PoppyMama]

Tell it, sister!

I wish I had a magic "big girl" pill for you but I'm still easily irate after a lot more than 2 years. I find the best thing I can do is not think about him at all. Kind of hard when he's on your doorstep, I'm sure.

[cycle]

There is no magic pill unfortunately, but to minimize the stress and pain on you I would have these kinds of discussions via email. He can't walk out and everything is documented. You have to have contact with him but you don't have to drop everything when he wants to talk without warning or notice. If you don't want to talk to him just tell him you would rather discuss these issues via email and end the discussion.

[griffin2004]

Originally Posted by cycle

You have to have contact with him but you don't have to drop everything when he wants to talk without warning or notice.

This! What right does he have to come into your home, order your guest to leave, and then launch into some half-baked parenting discussion with no notice? He has no right to do any of these things, but he'll likely continue to push as much as he can get away with. It's up to you to draw the lines. The first line I'd draw is this: you may drop DD off, but you may not come in my home; if there is something regarding DD you want to discuss, make an appointment and I'll see when I'm available.

[meemee]

i know exactly what you mean except we went our ways when dd was 18 months old.

the how?

*sigh* hard question.

hard answer.

dont really know. i really wasnt able to get out of that mindset till i started on my own spiritual journey. and other works.

i first had to heal what was inside me first. i had a whole bag of stuff I needed to work thru. and while doing that i was able to see ex for who he was. a tormented 4 year old.

AND i was able to focus on what life was like for me. yes it was tough, financial, daycare - you name it i had it as added stress - but however it was very empowering too. to be doing it on my own in a foreign country with no family support whatsoever.

i was able to see on paper i had it so hard while ex was off leading the merry life of a single person.

but then i would see little snatches of him as a parent. it was sweet. so sweet. i would see how much my dd loved her daddy. yes i had to get that water on my own. yes it took me two hours to finsh dinner on my own while i nursed my newborn alone. but the key was not that i was alone, but that i was able to survive. that i did it.

also by then i was so into discovering so many things in life that being angry and upset with ex for all that he hadnt done was a waste of my time. whatever. i had this beautiful close relationship with my dd and i loved that (at her 3rd bday CPS was in my house coz ex called ).

however i could see as a parent he was trying. he was truly trying. and that's all that i wanted out of him. nothing else. after 6 years things are still bad between us. but i bear him no grudge. he is no longer my ex. he is my dd's father. i know his background. i know what he went thru. why he is the way he is today (sad childhood) and i am filled with compassion for that little boy who wanted pretty much what my little girl wanted but didnt get.

the only thing you have any control over is how YOU think, feel... him expect NOTHING. ex has tried to pull a fast one thinking i would fail since he wasnt there. hah. no way. didnt succeed.

ultimately my biggest breakthrough came when i realised HE wasnt making me miserable. I Was. he was living his own life, doing his own thing. but i wasnt letting go off this dream i had of how things were SUPPOSED to work. that was huge. the more i focused on my self, the less important he became as an ex.

today i have a v. dfferent image of him. i am so grateful to him for deciding to end things. i am far, far, far more happier alone than with him. mostly it was soooooo much easier raising dd in a single parent home where we could have whatever bedtime we had, etc.

its also about that time - around 3 1/2 that we started doing our exhanges at the dc so we didnt really need to see each other or talk.

today i respect dd because of who she is in society. i see how well rounded and well mannered she is. i see how v. different parenting styles have made her stronger to see that life is always full of joy and disappointment all at the same time. i see and hear how hard he tries to be dd's daddy. by 3 she had gotten him to cosleep. thru her stories i could see how truly beautiful their relationship was. i saw him as a parent.

when does it get easier? never really. you dont know how many adult children of single parents have shared how they forced their parents to talk to each other finally at graduation or something like that.

i dont expect it to get easier. however we both have been able to put dd first. she was able to call the shots of where and who she would be staying with. esp. now at summer when i have finished summer school.

we dont really see each other, but mostly talk on the phone only about 'business'. a few times we have had to talk its been horrible.

we dont try to figure out a similar parenting or discipline plan. i have given in and been much more understanding under the circumstances.

but its all paid off.

[rosadesal]

meemee - you always seem to pop in on my posts and make me feel better <3

spiritual journey - YES. that. i AM the only one making me miserable - he's in happy land and i'm over here being angry and resentful. it is SO hard to let go of that "how things were supposed to work" mindset - i am still so wrapped up in that. how do you and your ex handle time w/dd? i mean..should i just smile and pretend that i am thrilled that he has an opinion for once? i guess i should - it's what i want, isn't it? for him to play an integral role in raising her? if i stroke his ego, he'll probably be more responsive to my thoughts anyway.

he ended up calling me last night (at like 1am...i was asleep, but answered anyway) and we set up time to talk today, he's actually getting off work early. (impressive...and i am envious that he even has that luxury!)

he does try hard. and he is dd's parent - not my ex, but dd's parent. that is a great way to put it. he is no longer my ex. sometimes i refer to him as "grace's dad" in speaking and that also bothers me...because it feels like a bitter term.

i think there is a lot that i myself need to come to terms with. do you ever worry about the lack of consistency - like, if you don't have a parenting/discipline/routine that you've agreed on, does your dd have two very different homes? how does she cope with that? i carry a lot of fear because i grew up going back and forth and constantly felt pressure to choose or to favor and i refuse to put my daughter in that place - maybe i am also overcompensating due to that fear, you know?

[TnMsMama]

One thing that has REALLY helped my relationship with my DS's father is we meet to "exchange" on neutral territory. It's a PITA, because I don't drive, so I have to find somebody to take me each time, but it's SO MUCH better than having him in my house. We meet at a gas station so it's very "get in, get out" and I like it that way.

The other thing that's helped is that I just let it go. He's an idiot and I've accepted that. I've forgiven myself for procreating with an idiot, and I know I've got the best part of him, the best thing he'll ever do, in my son.

As for co-parenting, I'm pretty crunchy, organic, whole grain, lovey dovey, huggy kissy, and all natural fibers.... he's walmart, belt-whooping and corn dogs. Except for the belt, I've let it all go. He gets our boy every-other-weekend, and a few corn dogs aren't going to kill him. (I did explain that if he whooped our son, I'd have him arrested and then killed in prison. He knows I can/will do it, so there's no trouble there. Hehehe.)

So set up the meets in a neutral location and try to have "important talks" at a coffee shop appointment or via email. And forgive yourself for letting him impregnate you that's the hardest part!

[rosadesal]

Originally Posted by TnMsMama

One thing that has REALLY helped my relationship with my DS's father is we meet to "exchange" on neutral territory. It's a PITA, because I don't drive, so I have to find somebody to take me each time, but it's SO MUCH better than having him in my house. We meet at a gas station so it's very "get in, get out" and I like it that way.

The other thing that's helped is that I just let it go. He's an idiot and I've accepted that. I've forgiven myself for procreating with an idiot, and I know I've got the best part of him, the best thing he'll ever do, in my son.

As for co-parenting, I'm pretty crunchy, organic, whole grain, lovey dovey, huggy kissy, and all natural fibers.... he's walmart, belt-whooping and corn dogs. Except for the belt, I've let it all go. He gets our boy every-other-weekend, and a few corn dogs aren't going to kill him. (I did explain that if he whooped our son, I'd have him arrested and then killed in prison. He knows I can/will do it, so there's no trouble there. Hehehe.)

So set up the meets in a neutral location and try to have "important talks" at a coffee shop appointment or via email. And forgive yourself for letting him impregnate you that's the hardest part!

haha - forgive myself for letting him impregnate me. AWESOME.

dd's dad is pretty AP - they cosleep sometimes, he's gentle, very hands on...his family is a little like what you said - corndogs and walmart! i often think it would be easier if she saw him EOW but we have a nearly 50/50 split, which is hard because it's not like it's just once in a while that i have to deal with him...its twice a week. hmm. maybe i just feel like i want to have the greater say and the greater control - which is probably quite selfish and immature of me to want there to be no such thing as equal ground. it's really about me and not so much dd. she's in good hands. he's just a baby. he does good things because it satisfies his ego, not because they are good for all parties...even if sometimes the end result is good. selfish intentions. gross.

thanks for sharing <3

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by rosadesal

meemee - you always seem to pop in on my posts and make me feel better <3

spiritual journey - YES. that. i AM the only one making me miserable - he's in happy land and i'm over here being angry and resentful. it is SO hard to let go of that "how things were supposed to work" mindset - i am still so wrapped up in that. how do you and your ex handle time w/dd? i mean..should i just smile and pretend that i am thrilled that he has an opinion for once? i guess i should - it's what i want, isn't it? for him to play an integral role in raising her? if i stroke his ego, he'll probably be more responsive to my thoughts anyway.

he ended up calling me last night (at like 1am...i was asleep, but answered anyway) and we set up time to talk today, he's actually getting off work early. (impressive...and i am envious that he even has that luxury!)

he does try hard. and he is dd's parent - not my ex, but dd's parent. that is a great way to put it. he is no longer my ex. sometimes i refer to him as "grace's dad" in speaking and that also bothers me...because it feels like a bitter term.

i think there is a lot that i myself need to come to terms with. do you ever worry about the lack of consistency - like, if you don't have a parenting/discipline/routine that you've agreed on, does your dd have two very different homes? how does she cope with that? i carry a lot of fear because i grew up going back and forth and constantly felt pressure to choose or to favor and i refuse to put my daughter in that place - maybe i am also overcompensating due to that fear, you know?

Umm...DO NOT answer the phone at 1am!! Seriously, what on earth? If my ex calls at 1am there had better be a damn emergency with our son! And if its not his weekend, I'm not answering. He can leave a voicemail.

[FireFrog]

I totally agree with forgiving yourself -- it is necessary if you are going to survive the rest of your co-parenting days (read: the rest of your life).

And "Grace's dad" is so not a bitter term. It will help you get the emotional distance you need. He is her dad, nothing more, nothing less. Calling my DD's father "DD's dad" helped me so much through the years.

Also, the exchanges will get easier when she is going to school. I would drop DD off at school on Mon. and pick her up at school on Thurs. Made everything so much easier that I didn't have to see him at all for the exchanges. We "talked" mostly through email, and texts occasionally too. WAY easier.

Hang in there. Time makes it a little better, if only because you will learn better coping mechanisms as you go along.

[singin'intherain]

I've SO been there with the "equal" thing, the months and years of no effort, followed by some "revelation" that I'm supposed to drop and worship, followed by months of no effort. It's so immature, and so annoying to have to act like there's any way to respect someone like that. Their lives are controlled by the next urge, just like a two year old, and if you are with them, you get to ride on the same roller coaster.

I was married to my ex for seven years, and in that time, I was able to really let a lot of the resentment go. Now when he gets on my nerves (he'll call me when he's drunk and start expounding on his "theories" about the kids), I just hang up and thank my lucky stars I don't have to deal with it anymore. He has improved a lot as a parent in three years, and as long as the kids don't tell me he was drinking or hit them, I don't worry about his parenting. Seriously, you two are not together, and discussions about parenting styles are optional. The only things you guys have to discuss are things like doctors appointments and school.

I have headed a lot of these talks off by saying that if he wants to make some changes to our agreement, lets make an appointment with a mediator and work it out.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by rosadesal

how do you and your ex handle time w/dd? i mean..should i just smile and pretend that i am thrilled that he has an opinion for once? i guess i should - it's what i want, isn't it? for him to play an integral role in raising her?
if he cant discuss dd respectfully then you should not talk. however make sure you are not reading too much into it. that he is trying upmanship. perhaps he is genuinely excited. so check yourself for that.

but the first years - before even seh started spending the night, it involved a LOT of tears. on my part. i had this super dad image i wanted him to be and he just refused. i had to learn to stop expecting and just accepting to have peace in my life.

ex and i didnt talk. i would call ex and tell him all teh important details - doctors appts, when she is sick even if he didnt have to see her that day, her milestones. but when i found it was all one sided and he wasnt sharing any of her milestones with me (oh you said she just started doing xxxxx. well she has been doing that with me for weeks now ) i stopped informing him.

if i stroke his ego, he'll probably be more responsive to my thoughts anyway.
oye vye!!! what are you thinking. i hope you are joking here (sometimes i am too dull adn dont get the lightness). so he bragged. take it for what it is. just ignore it. however see it also for what it is. dont stroke his ego but inside be happy that he is making connections with dd.


he ended up calling me last night (at like 1am...i was asleep, but answered anyway) and we set up time to talk today, he's actually getting off work early. (impressive...and i am envious that he even has that luxury!)
GIRL!!!!! what are you DOING answering the phone at 1 am. no wonder he feels he can get away with anything. you are allowing him to. dont do it. start drawing v. specific boundaries.


sometimes i refer to him as "grace's dad" in speaking and that also bothers me...because it feels like a bitter term.
yes mama. it is not a bitter term. but if it seems to you then you have a lot of inner work to do with yourself.

do you ever worry about the lack of consistency - like, if you don't have a parenting/discipline/routine that you've agreed on, does your dd have two very different homes? how does she cope with that? i carry a lot of fear because i grew up going back and forth and constantly felt pressure to choose or to favor and i refuse to put my daughter in that place - maybe i am also overcompensating due to that fear, you know?

we are two VERY different families. we do agree on some. we both cosleep and we both agree on diet and gentle discipline. but dd gets most of her emotional support from me. her dad is too wrapped in his affairs to be truly able to see dd for who she is. she is a confident independent thinker. but he treats her with this 'one size fits all' mentality about he is the parent and she is the child.

yup yup!!! i soooooo HEAR you on the fear. it is a big, big, biggie. you have to take care of that. unless you do that it is going to be v. hard being the parent your dd wants. not the parent you think you should be for your dd.

dd copes beautifully. in fact i think having two different households has worked v. well in her favour. at least that's what her last teacher told me. he said she has a level of maturity that he seldom sees in a 7 year old. because she can handle structure (her dad's style) and total unstructure (my style and dd is laid back too).

for myself i dont think of my dd as my 'dd' or that i am her 'parent'. it helps me parent. i dont see her as an extension of me. she is her own independent person. just because i react in a specific way doesnt mean she will follow the same.

the biggest thing that i think makes all the difference is that inspite of all our mistakes - dd knows she is loved. and she loves us equally. she doesnt love me more because i do more. she loves us equally which is how it should be.

however also be aware my answers i write now are with an almost 8 year old.

my reply to this thread would have been different 2 years ago and even 4 years ago.

as pp said, time plays a big part. at 2 and 3 i was a frustrated ex so angry at ex and how he was parenting. but slowly i let it go. and then watched how ex got better and better and is now finally starting to be the father that my dd wants. he is s l o w l y releasing his idea of the kind of dad he should be.

the absolute worst thing to be as a parent is to live in fear. it is worse than any state of being. it gives you tunnel vision. so you are not aware of all the options that could be open to you. instead of fearing (mind you i was in your shoes too. there is mental illness in our family and i was sooooo scared dd would have it too) look for how you want your life to be. the kind of relationship you want with dd and ex. and focus on that.

things have calmed down between ex and me. but it is faaar from perfect. however it isnt as bad as it was years ago. not because he has changed. its because i have changed. and because i have changed i noticed it affected his aggressiveness too. he gets soooo mad i can stay cool.

but its a work in progress. and i know you can do it it seems like the hardest thing to do but really it is the easiest.

[lilyka]

I don't have a lot of input but on the whole "we need to discuss this" thing.

First if he plans a sneak attack like he did at drop off (good heavens I hate these. first of the kids are right there....not good) tell him "yes great, we should talk but I am busy right now. call me later and we can set up a time to talk." if he refuses walk inside and shut the door (there is no reason for him to come into your house at drop off and pick up.) Then if it can't be discussed by email plan to meet in a public space and talk but set a time line and have somewhere to be after a certain amount of time (even a made up place to be) if you want to go longer that is your call. But never ever let him interupt your personal time without your permission. If heis serious about discussing parenting he will wait till a good time to talk.

as for the whole equal thing. my xh does this too. actually he doesn't care about doing al the work. He mostly just wants to get his two cents in to every single parenting decision I make. because we have equal legal custody which gives him rights doncha know. We can start discussing equal when he makes up for the first 12 years of our parneting journey where he spent most of the time chasing other women. or playing with his friends. Yeah, maybe one day we can talk about being equal parents but he didn't want to parent then and you don't just get to walk in on it.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I don't have much to comment, as I'm so new into this... But I wanted to second the calling STBX DD's Father to help emotionally disengage. I notice when I do that, it is a lot easier to swallow and allows me to put distance emotionally from just being all "OMG what a terrible ex, what was I thinking?!"

And it helps me to also keeping in mind that he will always be DD's Father helps me to remember to think long term and try to work with him as best I can for DD's sake.