Okay, so while DH's parents are on board with gentle discipline (they have never struck or threatened to strike my child, and rarely raise their voice to him, and are great at redirecting), my own parents are sort of a problem.
(Sorry this got so lengthy.)
I really want to be a spank/smack-free family, but my parents don't understand re-direction. They are often unwilling to get up and walk over to DS. Often they just yell at him a sharp and loud "DON'T!" or [ETA: for the first time, this weekend] "If you do x, I'm going to spank you!" and are surprised when he has no idea what they're talking about, or just goes on with whatever he's doing.
They don't spank a lot, mostly it's all talk, but I know it has happened before. 
I'm definitely not a perfectly serene mother; I get frustrated a lot with DS, who is very stubborn and can be a challenge to redirect. But I'm working on it and want them to be on board so DS has consistent limits/boundaries in his life.
My mom (who is the one who was the most likely to smack me as a kid) is actually a little better about this than my dad, who is usually a really gentle person. She, however, cannot stop buying DS mounds upon mounds of toys and clothes. I mean... my parents are going through a bankruptcy, and still she buys more. I have asked her, very respectfully, to stop. I have said we can't bring anything else home. I think it's bordering on hoarding/addiction. Anyway, she tends to get the clues I try to drop that hitting is not something I really want to do/have done to my child, although I know she doesn't really feel that "one light smack" is a problem if it gets quick results. When my dad did hit me, he hit pretty hard, because he would let all his anger and frustration build up until he couldn't control himself very well. That's scary. I think because DS is a boy, my dad feels like he needs to be more gruff/rough with him. I know that my dad's father was like that with him.
They're not innately bad people, they just didn't have great models when they were kids (my grandparents on both sides are pretty much nightmares in their own ways). My parents tend to see me as their child, still, and have a tendency not to take me seriously. I would just appreciate any tips on how to bring this up with them in a way that will make them listen. Should I approach them separately? Send letters? (I know the letter thing is weird but sometimes it worked when I was a kid.) Should DH and I speak to them together, or should I do this alone since they're my parents?
(Sorry this got so lengthy.)
I really want to be a spank/smack-free family, but my parents don't understand re-direction. They are often unwilling to get up and walk over to DS. Often they just yell at him a sharp and loud "DON'T!" or [ETA: for the first time, this weekend] "If you do x, I'm going to spank you!" and are surprised when he has no idea what they're talking about, or just goes on with whatever he's doing.
They don't spank a lot, mostly it's all talk, but I know it has happened before. I'm definitely not a perfectly serene mother; I get frustrated a lot with DS, who is very stubborn and can be a challenge to redirect. But I'm working on it and want them to be on board so DS has consistent limits/boundaries in his life.My mom (who is the one who was the most likely to smack me as a kid) is actually a little better about this than my dad, who is usually a really gentle person. She, however, cannot stop buying DS mounds upon mounds of toys and clothes. I mean... my parents are going through a bankruptcy, and still she buys more. I have asked her, very respectfully, to stop. I have said we can't bring anything else home. I think it's bordering on hoarding/addiction. Anyway, she tends to get the clues I try to drop that hitting is not something I really want to do/have done to my child, although I know she doesn't really feel that "one light smack" is a problem if it gets quick results. When my dad did hit me, he hit pretty hard, because he would let all his anger and frustration build up until he couldn't control himself very well. That's scary. I think because DS is a boy, my dad feels like he needs to be more gruff/rough with him. I know that my dad's father was like that with him.
They're not innately bad people, they just didn't have great models when they were kids (my grandparents on both sides are pretty much nightmares in their own ways). My parents tend to see me as their child, still, and have a tendency not to take me seriously. I would just appreciate any tips on how to bring this up with them in a way that will make them listen. Should I approach them separately? Send letters? (I know the letter thing is weird but sometimes it worked when I was a kid.) Should DH and I speak to them together, or should I do this alone since they're my parents?
A&A, I will definitely be checking out that book.
