So, the other day I was talking to FMIL about our planned home birth. She knows I HBed DD #1, who is from a previous relationship, and the first thing out of her mouth when we told her about our plans for this birth was that she wanted to be there when it happened.
Now, this is already kind of a delicate issue because my mom wasn't allowed at my first birth and hasn't even asked to be at this one- I think she has come to terms with the fact that she would be highly likely to freak out, especially if she thought I was in an unmanageable amount of pain, or any pain at all, really.
I went ahead and said okay, though, and assigned FMIL the task of watching DD #1 during the labor and birth. She said she'd be happy to take on that job.
So, the other night she was asking how our day went and I told her DF and I had gotten some books and videos about home water births so he would be prepared for what's going to happen, and be prepared just in case he has to do something to help out with the actual birth in case the midwives don't get here fast enough. (Which is a distinct possibility since the MW and doula almost didn't make it to my first birth- I only had about 4 hours of labor from my first contraction to the birth, and she was born in the bathtub because we didn't get the birthing pool filled in time!)
FMIL's response was "Ok then..." which is her stock response to anything that makes her uncomfortable that she doesn't want to talk about. I talked to DF about it and he said he thinks it's entirely likely that FMIL is having issues with the idea of the home birth, and REALLY having issues with the idea that the baby could come so quickly that he had to do the catching, but she's just not the kind of person who speaks up about that kind of thing. He also reminded me that she had C-sections with both of her kids and they almost killed her putting in the epidural with her second, so her idea of birth probably isn't that it's a safe and easy process.
Silly me, I thought she'd be reassured by knowing that DF will know what to do just in case.
Anyway, I have no idea how to bring this up with her, but I am really worried that her interest in attending the birth is just because she wants to be there when her grandchild is born and she really has no idea what to expect or whether or not she's going to be able to deal with it if anything wacky happens or if it seems like I'm in a lot of pain, or if I want everyone out of the room during pushing, or whatever.
FMIL and FFIL are both EXTREMELY non-confrontational people who don't like to deal with topics that are, or have the potential to become, unpleasant. DF is also like this to some extent- for example, the one and only time I have ever tried to talk to him about what my wishes would be in the event of my death- in particular, what my wishes would be in terms of who would assume guardianship of my DD, he basically freaked out and couldn't have the conversation. I tried really hard to frame it in terms of "I know this is upsetting, but it's something all parents need to talk about at some point" and he still just really couldn't handle it.
So, i'm worried that pushing this issue further, telling FMIL that there could, in fact, be an emergency (although that is highly unlikely) or that DF might have to do the catching, or any number of unexpected things could happen and we'd just have to roll with it, might just upset her further or make her more anxious or something. I certainly don't want to cause her any discomfort or fear, but at the same time I am concerned about having someone at the birth who isn't...well...'prepared' is the word I'm looking for, I guess.
WWYD?
ETA: I realize "ok then" probably doesn't seem like that big a deal to the people who are reading this, but trust me, saying "Ok then" and changing the subject is FMIL's MO when she's uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about something because of her discomfort. We went through this with her a LOT over a previous, very upsetting and trying experience that we all went through together and whenever she couldn't handle what was going on or was freaked out by being asked about it, "OK then" would come out and that would be the end of the discussion.
Now, this is already kind of a delicate issue because my mom wasn't allowed at my first birth and hasn't even asked to be at this one- I think she has come to terms with the fact that she would be highly likely to freak out, especially if she thought I was in an unmanageable amount of pain, or any pain at all, really.
I went ahead and said okay, though, and assigned FMIL the task of watching DD #1 during the labor and birth. She said she'd be happy to take on that job.
So, the other night she was asking how our day went and I told her DF and I had gotten some books and videos about home water births so he would be prepared for what's going to happen, and be prepared just in case he has to do something to help out with the actual birth in case the midwives don't get here fast enough. (Which is a distinct possibility since the MW and doula almost didn't make it to my first birth- I only had about 4 hours of labor from my first contraction to the birth, and she was born in the bathtub because we didn't get the birthing pool filled in time!)
FMIL's response was "Ok then..." which is her stock response to anything that makes her uncomfortable that she doesn't want to talk about. I talked to DF about it and he said he thinks it's entirely likely that FMIL is having issues with the idea of the home birth, and REALLY having issues with the idea that the baby could come so quickly that he had to do the catching, but she's just not the kind of person who speaks up about that kind of thing. He also reminded me that she had C-sections with both of her kids and they almost killed her putting in the epidural with her second, so her idea of birth probably isn't that it's a safe and easy process.
Silly me, I thought she'd be reassured by knowing that DF will know what to do just in case.
Anyway, I have no idea how to bring this up with her, but I am really worried that her interest in attending the birth is just because she wants to be there when her grandchild is born and she really has no idea what to expect or whether or not she's going to be able to deal with it if anything wacky happens or if it seems like I'm in a lot of pain, or if I want everyone out of the room during pushing, or whatever.
FMIL and FFIL are both EXTREMELY non-confrontational people who don't like to deal with topics that are, or have the potential to become, unpleasant. DF is also like this to some extent- for example, the one and only time I have ever tried to talk to him about what my wishes would be in the event of my death- in particular, what my wishes would be in terms of who would assume guardianship of my DD, he basically freaked out and couldn't have the conversation. I tried really hard to frame it in terms of "I know this is upsetting, but it's something all parents need to talk about at some point" and he still just really couldn't handle it.
So, i'm worried that pushing this issue further, telling FMIL that there could, in fact, be an emergency (although that is highly unlikely) or that DF might have to do the catching, or any number of unexpected things could happen and we'd just have to roll with it, might just upset her further or make her more anxious or something. I certainly don't want to cause her any discomfort or fear, but at the same time I am concerned about having someone at the birth who isn't...well...'prepared' is the word I'm looking for, I guess.
WWYD?
ETA: I realize "ok then" probably doesn't seem like that big a deal to the people who are reading this, but trust me, saying "Ok then" and changing the subject is FMIL's MO when she's uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about something because of her discomfort. We went through this with her a LOT over a previous, very upsetting and trying experience that we all went through together and whenever she couldn't handle what was going on or was freaked out by being asked about it, "OK then" would come out and that would be the end of the discussion.
OK, maybe if your MW is a 2 hour drive away & you labor fast, maybe it's really not that "unlikely" but I'd tell her it is)
I don't think she needs to meet with the midwives, but if she expresses any concerns down the road I might suggest that.
So, I kind of know what you're talking about.
