HS Group Dilemma

[ColwynsMommy]

I started a homeschool group a few years ago because there weren't any activities in our area for very young homeschoolers. We have a core group of maybe 5-6 families that attend regularly, and a larger group of people that attend sporadically. I plan the vast majority of events, which I don't mind in theory, but I get really frustrated when I don't get much input on what people would like to participate in, or when a lot of people say they would like a certain activity, and then we get low attendance. Currently, we use Yahoo Groups that new members have to apply to join, but there's no real restriction on members so long as they're homeschoolers (ie - we don't allow vendors to join).

So, I've become really dissatisfied with the way the group is going. I don't want to have to plan everything; I want our other members to contribute more. I end up spending a lot of money on things like snacks and materials (I only ask for people to contribute money towards certain activities that cost a lot, but if the kids just need some paper and crayons, I'll provide it). It's just getting to be too much, you know? I feel underappreciated.

I was thinking of starting to charge a yearly fee of maybe $20 per family, but waive the fee if a family plans one activity per quarter. I don't know how well that will go over, and I don't know how blunt I should be about how sick I am of planning everything, and how I need people to step up. These kids are the only friends my children have, and I don't want to jeopardize that. I don't really know how to go about getting more people to plan events.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated. Thanks so much!

[VisionaryMom]

Someone told me a long time ago that if no one else stepped up, they didn't really care about an activity. I still believe that's true, and am, in fact, struggling with this same issue with a non-hs group I'm in.

I would be upfront and say that you are spending X hours and Y dollars working on these events and that you cannot keep up that pace. Ask the members of the group to brainstorm ways that the situation can change. I think if you do that, then you will find out how many people really want to be involved actively. I know that most groups function with lots of members but only 1% (or less) planning, but I also think sometimes the person planning should stand up and say that isn't acceptable.

[zeldamomma]

Have you asked people to help with planning, or contribute supplies & snacks?

I would start with sending out an email that said something like "As I plan this next year, I'm realizing that I am not going to be able to do as much for the group as I have been, and so I'm hoping that a few (or all) of you might volunteer to help plan activities and contribute snacks and other supplies when appropriate."

I think it's likely that people assumed that you wanted to be in control, and that planning something would be stepping on your toes. When people do volunteer, I'd try to really let them own their event-- offer help if you want, but don't take over.

[ColwynsMommy]

Sorry, I should have said that I've done the standard asking people to plan things. Plus, I've always made it very, very clear that people are welcome to plan whatever activities they want. We're very conscious of making sure everyone knows they can participate, welcoming new members, etc, etc.

[CrazyCatLady]

Our local hs groups have hundreds of members, and yet it's always the same 2-3 moms who plan and organize everything. I think it takes a special kind of person to be the planner of a group. I wouldn't assume that just because no one else is stepping up, that doesn't mean you're appreciated. If the moms are anything like me they appreciate you very much (are even envious of you), they just don't know how to do what you do. I get overwhelmed at the thought of planning anything more complicated than a park day lol.

Chipping in money/snacks shouldn't be an issue. I'm always willing to contribute when asked. But I never know what to bring unless I'm specifically told. Maybe people just need you to be very blunt about it?

Maybe you could try an rsvp type of thing for activities? That way you could feel out who's seriously interested, and who's willing to contribute what, before you actually put a lot of effort into an event?

Good luck

[moominmamma]

It sounds to me like the group is operating on a leadership model rather than a collaborative model. Meaning people assume that you, as leader, will take responsibility for organizing and motivating, and they should sit back and support, contributing when asked but not needing to provide any motive force. Some people find that model to be most efficient but it really does require someone with the time, energy and enthusiasm to be a leader -- and a financial arrangement to support that.

The group near where I live operates collaboratively. There's no real leader. As a result, people recognize that unless they step up and offer some of their own energy, the group will fizzle. It's not "Louise's group, and we try to help her." It's "a group of families ... we all sort of make it work." The group meets weekly; discussions at the meet-ups decide who will be providing the leadership for the upcoming sessions... Sandy is going to lead a hike three weeks from now and she will show everyone how to make dorodangos -- no supplies needed, and bring your own snacks. Wendy will take the first half of this session and the next and teach making felted wool moccasins -- here's the supply list participants will need to bring. Fran has organized a tour of the fish hatchery; each participating family will need to contribute $5. And Marie has those workshops with her drama-coach friend coming up next month. That sort of thing.

The problem I see with moving to a $20 annual membership fee is that it would affirm your leadership of the group -- you'd be collecting, holding and disbursing the group's monies, and would be implicitly held responsible for its ongoing organization. If the main problem was just your continued provision of supplies, it would address that, for sure. But since you're also feeling burnt out by providing organizational time and energy and not feeling appreciated for it, I think charging a small fee would likely make that worse. People would expect just as much as ever, if not more, and feel more entitled to get value back since they'd paid in.

Speaking for myself, a waived $20 fee would not be the right sort of carrot for encouraging me to take on some of the group-planning responsibility. I'd be happy to cough up the $20 and let the leader continue the organizing. Instead I'd need to feel a personal sense of shared ownership of the group. That's what would make me commit to sharing the organizational burden.

I think it might be best to have a frank meeting with the other parents and explain that you don't want it to be your group anymore, that you value it a lot, but don't want to be in charge any longer. You're burnt out, and it's leaving you feeling exhausted, frustrated and unmotivated. If others value it, you'd love to work with them to build a collaborative group, and would love to contribute as a collaborator. But as to leading it ... no, you're done.

And then you'll see whether they value it or not, whether they're interested in putting something forth of themselves to keep the group together. If not, you're probably best to discover that now, before you get any more burnt out, and you could continue casual social occasions with the families within the group whom your kids enjoy spending time with. If they truly value the group, they'll start putting out pro-active energy of their own and you can join them in that.

Miranda

[ColwynsMommy]

Miranda, thank you so much for the great post. You're absolutely right that asking for a yearly fee would entrench me further in a leadership role, when that's not what I want. I think I'm going to have to send out an email explaining how I would like the group to work in the future, and clearly state what I can take on.

It's funny how when we're in the middle of a situation, it's hard for us to see clearly.. but your post settled it for me that it's really an issue about moving us from a leadership model (which was not my original intent in starting the group) to a collaborative model.

I am worried that others don't value the group as much as I do, or that they're just too busy to put much effort into it. Honestly, it's not that much work planning a simple event (I'm not talking about a 6 week class or anything), but I suspect I may have to do some hand-holding as people get used to setting up meetings on their own.

Thanks!

[WCM]

Hi OP. Glad you're getting some insight into how to change things. My suggestion may not suit you at all, but this is what worked for me. I too used to put it out there to the big group, and end up with not enough attendance, lack of help, etc . . so I made the group smaller, in my own sense of it. I have 3-4 families that I click with, my kids get along with, and we just see eye-to-eye. So if I have an idea, I just ask them. between our families we can provide enough kids to run a class, or just some of us go on an outing. But I don't feel that dead-air is-anyone-out-there feeling from before, nor am I the one doing all the legwork. We talk about ideas we have for outings/classes, and email about the details. and a key sentence "I'm bring X supply, what are you bringing?". Then everyone pitches in. Anyway, just a suggestion.