WWYD? Regarding weekend time-Update#21(wording help)

[Phoenix~Mama]

Okay, so I mentioned in my other thread that STBX isn't fond of the whole 1st, 3rd & 5th weekends in a month. He'd rather is just stay at EOW starting from the time we started.

Which is annoying for an OCD planner like me. lol

His biggest complaint with this is that he doesn't do this with his DD1. They have always just done EOW, and they switch weekends a lot and it's constantly changing. This drove me NUTS when we were together because it made it really hard to plan family outings. I told him this just doesn't work for me. It's great that it works for him and her, but I'm not her, and this is my family and what will work better for us.

His gripe is that the kids will get all off schedule from each other from time to time, and it could lead to him having one of his kids every weekend of the month. (oh noes! A Dad having his kids, whatever will he do?!)

Anyway... I'm stuck on what I should do. If I should just acquiesce and go with EOW and mark a calendar every year... or if I should try to push to get something more concrete. I even told him if he wanted less time, I'd take the 1st, 3rd & 5th, and he could have 2nd & 4th.

His brilliant idea was then for ME to present this idea to his 1st ex-wife to get his DD1 on the same schedule as my two kids. I was like, HELL NO! I have nothing to do with her anymore, why in the world would I ask her about changing YOUR custody schedule?

He said it was my idea and that he doesn't want to be in the middle of it and if it's something I really want, then I should talk to her about it and her and I can work out something between us.

Can you see how freakin delusional this man is??!!

I told him, look, it's not my problem that your custody with DD1 doesn't match with your other two kids... that's for YOU to figure out.


So... my lawyer is in the middle of drafting up all the papers... and I will need to send her what him and I talked about this weekend... but I'm still not sure what I want to do with this... Wether I put in the exact weekends per month, or go with just a loose wording of EOW.

I really just want him to sign the papers and so we can all be done with this and move on with our lives. But I don't want to feel like I'm sacrificing even more of my sanity for this "man".

So... yeah WWYD?

[A&A]

I voted EOW, and I would try to be a little more accommodating about those EOW's lining up with his other kid's EOW schedule. After all, they're half-siblings, right?

[Marsupialmom]

I can see him wanting to get his three kids, your child's siblings together all on the same weekend so there is a connection.

I think you should try to figure out so your kid get to see their sibling at least once a month.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Honestly, document, document, document, document. Then, if he refuses to sign the papers b/c he doesn't want his kids every weekend, go to a judge. Ask THEM to sign and order it. I know it costs more money, but seriously, dealing with this man is going to make your head explode. And, he doesn't sound reasonable, and the judge won't think so either (unless you get Avani's judge, in which case you're in trouble).

[doubledutch]

what's so bad about eow? i understand wanting to know, way in advance, what your weekends are, but can't you just sit down with a calendar and figure it out? i do that every year to know what the paydays are going to be!

[violet_]

Depends on how important it is to you, as this will affect you for a long time. If you think he will sign off and save you lawyer fees and hassle if you just switch to EOW, it might be worth it. Or, if that schedule is too weird, you could give him 2nd and 4th and see what the judge says. I think having the kids sometimes on the same schedule and sometimes not would be ideal, but then I'm not him. How does he think he'll deal with switching off weekends? Getting both of you to switch at the same times?

If the whole issue is stressing out your pregnant self, though, and this is the only sticking point, I'd probably give it to him to end the drama. If he is making you fight other stuff, then I might not be so generous.

[greenemami]

nak..i voted eow...i just use windows calendar and put in a repeating appt every other weekend for dsd's weekends and then i can see as far ahead as i want to see when she will be here. I also mark them on our big wall calendar at the beginning of each year. there is NO WAY i would be negotiating with his ex-wife, he seriously must be out of his mind to even suggest such a thing!!!!!!

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm sort of leaning towards just EOW... but am wondering what kind of drama that is going to cause because the kids are going to end up getting off schedule anyway because of how often him and his first ex end up switching weekends for one reason or another.

Example... my DD has only been doing EOW since the begining of July. We started on the same weekend he had his DD1. Already the next weekend her Mom wanted to go out of town and took her DD to him, so then he had DD by herself the following weekend.

He told his ex he wouldn't take DD1 this past weekend so he could get the girls back on the same schedule.

I already told him, I'm not willing to be the one constantly switching weekends around just to accomodate him and his ex. Like seriously, I was with him for almost three years, and they generally had to do switching around of weekends almost every single month.

I just can't take that kind of inconsistency. Not every month. It's one thing if it was once a quarter, or once in a 6 month span... but it's not like that. I had so much white out on our calendar from DSD's schedule always changing. I got to the point where I only tried doing a month or two at a time. Which, like I said, made it hell when trying to plan birthday parties, or when we could go to the pumpkin patch, or get our Christmas tree, etc...

It's not just a frivolous need I have to plan ahead. It's part of how I manage my fibromyalgia. I need to be able to look at the week ahead and gage how many appointments/events I have and plan accordingly for how down/rest time I should scehdule for myself over the weekend before that week depending on business/etc. I've lived with this a long time, and the best way I have found to manage my illness is to constantly plan ahead.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Right, and if your parenting plan says EOW, then you have NO obligation to switch weekends. He and his other ex can switch as much as they want, you only have to switch when it works for YOU. And, you can also put in the parenting agreement that requests for changing times need to be done a certain amount of time in advance. That can help alot with planning ahead purposes. And if misses deadline, so sad.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

I'm sort of leaning towards just EOW... but am wondering what kind of drama that is going to cause because the kids are going to end up getting off schedule anyway because of how often him and his first ex end up switching weekends for one reason or another.

not your problem!

look, if you accommodate him by going with eow, then he doesn't get to complain when he & his ex#1 switch things around. they'll just have to switch again to get his dd1 back on schedule with your kids. you are so right not to try to live by his & his ex's (lack of) schedule. whatever the court order says, you have every right to stick to it and not be yanked around by his bs.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

not your problem!

look, if you accommodate him by going with eow, then he doesn't get to complain when he & his ex#1 switch things around. they'll just have to switch again to get his dd1 back on schedule with your kids. you are so right not to try to live by his & his ex's (lack of) schedule. whatever the court order says, you have every right to stick to it and not be yanked around by his bs.

Totally true. If you agree to EOW, you do EOW. You don't have to accommodate his schedule shifts if you don't want to, especially if he's treating you in an abusive way while he asks.
You know what? Maybe not quite yet, but at some point really soon, it will feel really good for you to say the word "No" to this guy.

[Irishmommy]

Butting in here. If you agree to EOW and he refuses to take your kids because he switched with his first ex, can you make sure that it's in the custody agreement that he doesn't get the following (your) weekend? So that if he misses a weekend, he's done until two weeks later.

[StephandOwen]

I agree with the others- I would agree to EOW but make it clear that you are not going to be switching around whenever he and his ex make different plans. He will have your kids EOW. If he and his other ex need to work around that, so be it. Maybe if you're generous you can work around holiday visits if it looks like all the kids would be on different weekends (because it would be nice for the siblings to spend time together, especially around the holidays). But I would only do that on occasion, certainly not every month!

Good luck, mama!

[sparklefairy]

I would do EOW to get it over with. To me, it's just as necessary to write things on the calendar when it's 1st, 3rd, 5th than if it's EO (and I've been attending meetings of a group that meets a 1st Tuesday, a third wednesday, and a 2nd saturday and I have the dates written on the calendar for months in advance so I'll know at a glance which week it will be in, say, October.

This is a separate issue from lining up dates. If you want to start with lining up the EOW with his current parenting schedule with his oldest dd, I would concede that much, but I would not be open to changing in the future to accommodate his arrangements with his ex when the change so much. he's perfectly capable of telling her, "that's not what we planned and it doesn't work for me" if he wants to keep the kids on the same schedule.

[Marsupialmom]

I wrote first about seeing siblings. I would ask your ex what schedule does he have them. Say you will adjust it to match that for the last time. The rest is his problem. He needs to get a back bone to ex1 if she/they switch all the time.

/if this is an employment situation were EOW is effected by how he works, I would feel different.

[blessedwithboys]

I have fibromyalgia, too, and my brain fog is just out of this world. I would have to say that I have never heard of splitting weekends the way you describe, evens and odds, but man! that would flip me out. LOL Between pain, fatigue, brain fog, and moderate OCD, I couldn't keep up with that at all.

I like my EOW schedule. Ds1's dad and I switch it up as needed, maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but ds2's dad never agrees to my requests for a change. Altogether, though, EOW works the best for me.

[mamaofthree]

i would say EOW and then stick to it no matter what is going on with his other child. that is his issue with that EX. no reason for you to be involved in that at all.
also he only has to have his kids 4 days a month and you and the ex have them all the rest of the time! he should take his kids when he is suppose to and just deal with the fact that he might occasionally have a child with him every weekend! my goodness you have to be with them all the rest of the time!
good luck!

h

[Theia]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

not your problem!

look, if you accommodate him by going with eow, then he doesn't get to complain when he & his ex#1 switch things around. they'll just have to switch again to get his dd1 back on schedule with your kids. you are so right not to try to live by his & his ex's (lack of) schedule. whatever the court order says, you have every right to stick to it and not be yanked around by his bs.

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

Butting in here. If you agree to EOW and he refuses to take your kids because he switched with his first ex, can you make sure that it's in the custody agreement that he doesn't get the following (your) weekend? So that if he misses a weekend, he's done until two weeks later.

I would do the above. Especially the part about you not having to bend your schedule to his and his ExWifes schedule. Not your concern. I also agree with MamaJen.... someday you are really going to tell him "NO!" and it will feel so good.

[Ione]

The advantage with 1st/3rd/5th (or 2nd/4th) is that you don't have to go back months (or longer) to figure out which weekend it is after holidays, extended time (vacation week or whatever), and temporary switches for exceptional events.

If you do agree to do a straight EOW, I would define it by even/odd weekends counting from the first weekend of the year. i.e. the first weekend of the year is odd (1st), and defined as the weekend containing the first Saturday (or starting on the first Friday) of January.

Seriously, it doesn't matter if it is 1/3/5 or 2/4 or E/O, as long as a clear calendar-based definition is laid out and works completely separately from any other arrangements (special holiday provisions, one-off changes, etc.).

Plus, you are in a position of strength on this one. If it goes to court, no matter what the judge decides (1/3/5 vs. 2/4 vs. E/O), I would bet my car that the judge would be willing to include a clear, objective, non-fluctuating definition of how the weekends are counted--if only to prevent you guys from going back to court to clarify things.

My vote is, he says he wants E/O weekend. You pull out a calendar, find the first Friday (or Saturday) of the year. Mark that one color. Mark the following a different color. Continue alternating colors until September. That'll tell you if his current E/O is "even" or "odd" then put that in the papers. Then you say, "OK, if you really insist. Your weekends will be the "even (or odd, depending)" weekends like we've been doing so far. I'd still rather 1st/3rd/5th because it's easier to plan around that. But if it's so important to you, we can go with E/O."

He thinks he won. You still have a clear schedule and can't be jerked around by changes to his other DD's schedule with his other ex.

[One_Girl]

If you do EOW then it is still set in stone and you don't have to give restructure your time to accomodate him. If you think he is going to flake out or make this a huge battle I suggest doing EOW just to make things easy. I think it would be harder to keep track of 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends and it may throw the kids off to go two weekends in a row in the months that have 5 weekends. EOW just seems easier to keep track of, especially if you make it straight EOW with no exceptions. What is on paper is what is set in stone unless one of you changes your mind so you really aren't under any legal obligation to be flexible about it. The hard part is getting the papers signed though.