establishing the schedule

[doubledutch]

quick update on my situation. i left stbx on july 2. stayed away (with the kids) for a couple of days for him to cool off from the initial shock. after a few days of discussions, i agreed to a separation, rather than immediately filing for divorce. not my best decision ever, but i did. the kids go to preschool m-w-f and had been spending tuesday/thursday with him (prior to separation). he said he wanted to continue that and wanted half the weekend. we came up with a schedule that has them spending three 24-hour periods with him:

monday 5:30 pm to tuesday 5:30 pm
wednesday 5:30 pm to thursday 5:30 pm
friday 5:30 pm to saturday 5:30 pm

that way, we each get to see them every day (except sunday, as i have them from sat eve to monday morning preschool dropoff). his parenting time (in theory) adds up to about 43% which is still considered sole custody with visitation. i told him he'd need to get them from preschool (by taking the bus) at the beginning of his visitation periods, but so far, i've been picking them up and bringing them to the house because he has been working. it gives me more time with them so i haven't minded, but i'm not willing to pick up and immediately drop them off with him. that would be hard on them, to only see me for like 20 minutes.

anyway, in reality, we only had about a week where we stuck to this. he has turned down tons of parenting time - probably 4 or 5 overnight periods, plus lots of shorter visits i've offered, before we had this schedule (which was only a week at most) and on the weekends. for example, since he turned down ALL parenting time with them last week, i offered 10am-4pm yesterday. brought them over, and he wanted to talk with me while they played in the yard or their playroom. we had agreed to take them to the beach from 10-noon and he'd have solo parenting time from noon-4. he just wanted to wear me down, which went on for a bit over an hour, and finally i said "i'm taking the kids to the beach, are you coming with us or not?" he said no and then declined the afternoon with them. this is typical - he frequently asks for time with just me, or with the kids but with me present, and if he doesn't get that, then he doesn't want to take them at all.

so my question is this. (sorry, that was a lot of background info!) i have to tell preschool no later than august 1 (which is a sunday, so really, this friday july 30), whether they are switching to full time care or sticking with m-w-f. i work full time. i need reliable care, and stbx isn't showing himself to be very reliable. when i was preparing for divorce, i registered the boys for full time care beginning sept 1. during the summer, there are always openings, so if i needed full time care sooner, it would be available. however, if i cancel full time and say they only need m-w-f, the tuesday/thursday spots will fill up and if i then need it, i'll be screwed. it's an additional $500 per month (total) for them to be full time. i don't want to create this financial obligation if it's not necessary. otoh, i want stability for them and i can't deal with him baling on me/them every time he gets pissed off at me (or when he realizes he really does need to work full time, or when his part-time job refuses to consistently give him tues/thurs off).

should i keep them signed up for full time or change their sept-may enrollment to 3 days a week (like they have been doing)?

i know i need to move ahead with the divorce and just get this over with. i can't believe i agreed to this stupid separation (and i've told stbx as much, very clearly). when the divorce is final, he will be ordered to pay child support, part of child care, and part of medical expenses, according to the state guidelines. if he ends up paying even half of what the guidelines call for, i would be able to cover the extra childcare costs. and eventually, if it turns out he reliably cares for them those days and we really never use it, i can cancel with 30 days notice.

(oh, and yes, i've documented how much time they spend with whom, every day, and every time he has turned down parenting time.)

[doubledutch]

oh yeah! gosh.

okay, when i fill out the divorce papers, should i go along with stbx's desired schedule (as described above) or should i just ask for the standard e-o-w plus one evening per week? in my state, that is the standard (as is sole physical custody). once they begin attending regular school (kindy in 2011 for ds1 - only a year away), this back-and-forth schedule won't really work anymore imo.

on the one hand, i'm setting us up to have this schedule ordered, by agreeing to it. yet otoh, since he backs out all the time, he's setting himself up to not get the schedule he supposedly wants.

i do like that they (in theory) see both of us very frequently, but it sucks to tell them they're spending the night with daddy and then have to explain the change of plans.

[MariesMama]

I'm a little confused, would full time preschool/daycare be easier on you? If so, do it! It's sounding like the parenting time he's actually using is probably less than EOW, when you add it all up.

I would ask for EOW in the papers, and be sure to ask for half (or the correct percentage) of the cost of preschool/daycare to be included in the child support amount. In my state, child support is figured first and then the NCP is ordered to pay half of child care costs on top of that.

Best of luck to you!

[MariesMama]

Oh, and document, document, DOCUMENT! Record every single time he doesn't use his parenting time. If he argues the EOW, you can show that he doesn't use the parenting time you had agreed on, and that his erratic schedule was causing issues for you.

[doubledutch]

i think the schedule he asked for / we agreed to would be nice for the boys, and i wouldn't mind it. the problem is when he backs out, i've got no child care tuesday/thursday, so in that sense full time care would be easier for me. it's just the cost i'm concerned about. wait, that's not true. i guess my real fear is still about pissing him off. this is so dumb. i'm getting better, but i still just do so much stupid stuff that he wants me to do.

so i should ask for a normal schedule? i think i should request everything according to state standards, including the visitation schedule, because it will be completely on him to persuade the judge to do something out of the ordinary. he'd have to convince the judge that it's in the kids' best interest - and i don't even believe he'll have a decent place for them to stay overnight (once he moves out of our home and we move back in, which is the plan). not that that should keep him from having time with them. i'm not interested in causing that kind of drama. just sayin'. they could do overnights with him at his mom's if necessary.

[*MamaJen*]

I think the sensible thing is to go for full-time daycare. It will sting financially, but your ex has proven himself over and over and over to be unreliable. I think it's totally possible that he would refuse to watch the kids at the last second just to sabotage you and your work. Barring that, I just don't think he would come through for you -- he's already shown you he won't come through -- and it will put you in a bind to not have reliable care for your kids.
The other issue is, will he ever actually pay you any money? Honestly, I think the odds of you getting the full amount owed are slim to none. So you may want to budget assuming he will be a deadbeat and pay nothing, and if you do get money, treat it as extra. I'm in the same boat.
Just go ahead and file. Don't ask his permission or tell him in advance -- just do it. If there's anything I learned from my ex, it's that the key to keeping your sanity in a situation like this is 1.) vastly limit contact and don't allow someone who has no respect for your boundaries to debate you about whether or not you're allowed to leave him, and 2.) act like an adult and don't be needlessly cruel, but don't spend all your energy trying to not hurt the feelings of a man who has tried to hurt your feelings at every possible opportunity.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

don't allow someone who has no respect for your boundaries to debate you about whether or not you're allowed to leave him

did you hack into my phone and read my texts yesterday or something?

okay. i will do nothing (since they're already registered for full-time). if we truly end up not using it, i can always cancel.

[blessedwithboys]

Just wanted to add that you can file a motion for temporary relief so that you can get child support now, even if you don't file for divorce until later on down the road.

My exdh moved out while I was pg. When ds was a week old we went to the Dept of Revenue office and he stipulated to a fair support amount. We didn't file anything else for about another 7 yrs.

[orangecanoe]

Have you looked at Mom's House, Dad's House? It's very on target for sussing out what kind of parenting agreement you want to have and keeping that separate from relationship issues. To me that plan seems like a lot of back and forth and opportunities for you doing favors for him and not the opposite kind of help from him.

We also have agreed to just a separation for now for many reasons, but have agreed to see a mediator to get a plan in writing before year's end. One thing the book does suggest is giving one or two short trial periods of different arrangements and then revisiting them at least every two years depending on the kids ages. I think we will even need to look at ours again as the school year approaches.

The full-time daycare does sound like the better plan in giving the kids consistency and you peace of mind that you won't have to scramble if he opts out of his time. The book also talks about putting 'teeth' into the agreement if either parent does this habitually. She mentioned one couple working it in that the parent who missed time had to pay for a sitter, etc. You can also specify whether time is to be made up and in what time frame or that if you agree to take kids during his times, he doesn't get to make up that time if it's not a true switch of days.

[doubledutch]

holy crap, i just realized a really important reason i want eow. if he has every friday night to saturday, then i can never take the kids anywhere for the weekend. it's something i usually do at least once a month! duh. i can't believe i never even thought of that.