Why should I even bother trying?

[Kivgaen]

I didn't know where to post this question, whether it belonged in parenting, home organization, or whatever. I eventually decided to post it in personal growth because it has the most to do with the way I'm handling the situation (or not handling it) and with my feelings of hopelessness and lack of motivation to continue trying.

My daughter is driving me crazy! She's 4 now, and I'm starting to get into power struggles with her lately, and I'm not sure how to keep myself motivated and to help steer her into more constructive, co-operative behavior instead of the destructive, defiant girl she has been lately.

This is in direct relationship to me and my quest to get my house clean. It seems that every time I take a step forward, I have to take two steps back because DD has gone and done something that she knows isn't acceptable.

For example, we had a cleaning person come in last Thursday. She spent 4 hours just doing the master bedroom and the master bathroom, while I worked at cleaning DD's bedroom. Everything was completely cleaned and organized. In the bath, we had a few extra empty shampoo bottles (we use them as bath toys) and she stacked empty ones on the left of the tub, and full bottles of bath stuff on the right side. I left the home right away to go pick up DS and DD for karate and when I got home started making dinner while DS and DD played. I told DD to go upstairs to see her bedroom (it was VERY clean, compared to how she left it) so she and DS went upstairs to play.

That night when I got upstairs after eating dinner with the family, cleaning up from dinner, etc. I come upstairs to find out that DD (possibly with DS's encouragement), had completely covered the tub in the master bath by emptying the shampoo bottles, body lotions, etc. I didn't even get to use the tub yet! I felt so discouraged...

Another example -- I was lying in bed resting for a few minutes, with DD beside me. I had a pair of scissors beside me on my night table that I was using earlier to mend something and I forgot to put them away. DD picked up the scissors and started to cut into my pillow and pillow case, my head not more than 1 foot away from her.

A third example: DD and DS took every single doll out of her bedroom that I had put neatly in the bins under her bed when I cleaned on Thursday, and they are now scattered all over the house, along with all of the doll clothes that were in the bin next to the dolls.

DH leaves his clothes all over the bedroom floor.

DS forgets to flush the toilet (frequently)

If you came into my house today and I told you I had a cleaning person in there on Thursday who did my bedroom and bathroom, you wouldn't believe me.

I really am struggling with some of these issues... What's the bloody point of it all? Why should I even bother trying?

[chimomma]

I don't have a whole lot of advice for you since I am going through much of the same. I just wanted to say, I know how you feel. I am sure we are not the only ones. With little ones things can errupt into chaos quite quickly.

I know for me it has a lot to do with lack of energy to really be a leader to my kids much of the time. Instead of me leading them, I feel I am just reacting to them. I think that is a problem.

I am the same way, when I feel overwhelmed by something either external or emotionally, I shut down. I think one thing that can help is building small routines for keeping things in order. Like picking up several times a day at certain times, putting things away, etc. You have probably heard about flylady. She has a lot of good ideas for those of us lacking domestic skills and motivation even if you don't follow the whole system. She is really into not overwhelming yourself and taking small steps.

I think a lot of it is just being in this stage of development with the children. Give yourself a lot of excuses and don't feel guilty, that just adds to the pile. And bring the cleaning lady more often if you can afford it! I find that doing that regularly gives me hope that even though things look crazy and hopeless now, they will look better on X day.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Learning_Mum]

4 sucks. DS1 is 4yo and it's been a hard year (not helped by the fact that his Dad and I seperated)

I agree with having a routine around cleaning. We take DS1 to kindy every morning and when DS2 and I get home I tidy up, do the dishes, do the washing, make the beds etc. Every night I try to wipe down the vainty after I've brushed my teeth. I vacuum and tidy the house while the kids are in the bath every night and I make sure everything is tidy before I go to bed. Getting everyone to help do a deep clean on the weekend, every week, also helps alot.

As for your DD, I would make her start cleaning up messes like the bath. She will probably think twice about it if she knows she's going to have to wipe it up later. With the toys, in the past when DS1 has made a mess just for the sake of making a mess (like literally, I have seen him tip out a toybox for no reason and then wander off) I tell him that he obviously doesn't appreciate his toys if he's not looking after them and then I have taken them ALL away apart from a couple of things I know he plays with alot. They stay gone for a week. Infact I have heaps of toys in the boot of my car that he hasn't even asked about so I haven't bothered to get them out again. Also only having a few toys out and rotating them with ones that are put away in your cupboard or something helps with that. I also make everyone help tidy up the toys. I tell the boys that everyone helps make the mess so everyone helps tidy it up.

I hope that you can find something to help with your sanity. 4yo does really suck and I'm looking forward to 5yo!

[confustication]

I think 4 was my hardest year with my daughter. It is better now- if that's any hope for the future!

I finally had to cave and eliminate a ton of 'stuff' to save my sanity. Less stuff=less mess= less overwhelming. For me, it really was that simple. Also, I learned (slowly) to make sure she had a bunch of stuff she was supposed to be doing, so there wasn't much time for the other stuff to creep in when I had my head turned for 20 seconds.

Still, 4 was the year I yelled a lot more than I usually do.

[sebandg'smama]

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
-- Phyllis Diller

It can be soooo frustrating, I totally hear you!

-Melanie

[busymama77]

4 DOES suck! My ODS didn't have the terrible 2's, but he did have the trusting 3's - 3's were probably the best. But in any case, 4 has been a rollercoaster!. I feel like I'm constantly arguing with him, giving in to certain things, just tired of fighting with him over the littlest thing - getting dressed, turn off the bathroom light, lift up the damn toilet seat for goodness sake, what to have for dinner. Oh and you CANNOT, I mean, CANNOT tell him something that we're going to do two days from now because he'll get upset that we're not doing it THAT day.
But on the other hand, while he definitely has his moments, his days, etc., he can still be the sweetest boy ever. Helpful, wanting to cuddle, playing with his younger brother - things like this. So it's gotta be a phase.... it just HAS to!

ACK!! I just pray my YDS does not take on this sort of attitude and rebellion that his older brother has already begun. UGH......

[Kivgaen]

I am so glad for all the responses that it's not just me who's pulling my hair out with my four year old.

If this is a phase, I just hope she grows out of it really soon!