Loosing your parenting "Identity" to single parenthood...

[treqi]

over the last 5 months I have been a weekend mother seeing my daughter on saturdays and sundays due to my work and school schedule and I don't know why its happened but I hate it and I hate the relationship I have with my daughter now and I really need to talk through it so I've come here to ask for some help. My situation isn't helped by the loss of my little brother in May and the feelings that have been raised that I have no idea to deal with at this point. so I'm at this place that I hate and I don't really know how to define it, will you mamas help me by sharing stories, asking me questions to help me think and providing suggestions to make my relationship with my daughter a healthier one? I'm in class atm so I'll talk about dd in a later post. tia

[rosadesal]

who has your daughter during the week? sometimes it helps me to remember quality over quantity - but it's not an instant fix. looking forward to hearing more, mama.
*hugs*

[cycle]

I think if you could give us a little more detail we may be able to help a little more. Is she with her father during the week? Has this always been the custody schedule, if not how was it different and when did it change? I can only imagine how difficult only having my child on the weekends would be, but I don't think that you can't have a very close relationship.

[treqi]

dd is at preschool partime during the school year and also goes to a daycare and then most nights my parents watch her because I get off work between 10pm and 1am. at the moment I have a class at 830am my job will be ending soon(census 2010 work) so I hope to have some time to build a better mama child relationship with dd in august but i'm at a point where i dont know how to do it. dds dad is in the army and never sees her but thats not huge on my list of priorities to deal with right now i want to get back to some symbolance of an APish sytle i really need to work on swatting and yelling they make me feel just as crappy as her screaming at me does but i'm not really her parent anymore and i need to figure out what she responds to. our weekends are insane hopping from friends house to freinds house because we cant see them during the week and ive also had large papers to write the last two weekends at the moment it seems i either spend my weekend time strictly with dd and cut our friends out of our lives or i end up having a child that tells me she hates me and wants a new mommy everytime i dont do something she asks/make her go to bed/put her in timeout for atrocious behavior like spitting on people....ugh this is rambly and confusing which is exactly how i feel but i dont know how i'll do it esp. with 18 credit hours this fall...

[treqi]

oh and i got this job in march but my whole parenting style has changed since the fall after xh and i split in april 2008

[meemee]

first of all please note a lot of what your dd is doing is totally age appropriate. dont take it so personally when she says she hates you.

the bottom line is you have to have some one on one time with dd.

do you cosleep?

i cant imagine your parenting style changing since becoming a single parent. i can see you using the 'village' to raise your child.

what you have to see is what kind of time are you getting with your child.

but i can tell you this much. a full load, plus working part time makes parenting extremely stressful. her behaviour is probably spot on for her age. you have to be careful you are not being too hard on her.

a lot of her behaviour might be because she is not getting enough one on one time together. it might mean at least taking one day off to just be with her. not at friends house. as a ft student myself i have found i have to be mom on the weekends. i am way too tired to be also a student and write my papers. however my dd is almost 8. and she doesnt mind hanging out with my friends. i wouldnt be able to have done this when she was 3 or 4.

[treqi]

i hate sleeping with my daughter, she sleeps on you and its just not something that i can stand i dont mind if she crawls into my bed at 5 in the morning and dosent sprawl out but sleeping with her is just not an option for me. the friends we spend time with are other families with girls her age not that that matters too much just clarifying i guess im just such a ppl pleaser that im stretching myself way too thin but even if i were to give her one day i dont feel it would help my feelings of not actually being a mother because i never see her and i dont know who she is

[doubledutch]

can you quit the job early? when in august is it over - next week, or the end of august?

it sounds like you two just have no time together, and you have got to be exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally. i know under those circumstances i would be losing my temper and feeling disconnected from my kids, too. once your job is done, what will your school hours be? would it be possible to adjust her schedule so more of her waking hours happen when you're together (after the census job is done)?

[simplemama32]

Just throwing out thoughts off the top of my head...

Can you squeeze in a frequent breakfast or dinner date with your daughter? Just the two of you, even just in the backyard or a picnic at a local park.

During a typical day, would you be able to give your daughter 20 minutes of "mommy time" in the evenings (or whenever is best)? She can pick the activity.

On the weekends, maybe you could block out, say, Saturday mornings to dedicate to your daughter, and then save visits to friends for later in the day. I have no idea if your daughter is more introverted or extroverted, but if she's the former (like me), I can definitely see where she might be a little cranky about going from friend's house to friend's house. I can put on a pretty convincing extrovert personality, but if I have to keep it up for long, it completely drains me of energy and patience.

Re the discipline issues...it may help to post specific questions in Gentle Discipline, but maybe also consider if your DD's daycare, your parents, and you are all being consistent with her.

Our situation...I work FT, and my parents care for DS while I'm at work (we're currently living with my parents), plus he's at his dad's house for half of the weekend. Of course, I'm not a student like you are, so I may have more time to spend with him, but I just try to make sure I'm involved with DS's daily life as much as possible. I call to check-in during the day, and once I'm home, I'm fully the mom. I make his dinner, give him a bath, play, put him to bed...he's the priority. Same on the weekend. We may run errands, etc. but I try to make that the exception rather than the rule.

[treqi]

i guess a big part of the problem is that she literally lives at my parents house monday through saturday morning because i have work until 10pm or even 12am and for the last 3 weeks ive been in a summer class that starts at 830am

[meemee]

i am going to be honest with you mama.

you cant have your cake and eat it too.

i know its hard. but you have to make choices.

you cant be absent from your dd's life AND want to have a level of relationship that requires time for you both to be together.

please note i am not judging you. i am asking you to stop judging yourself and asking for the impossible.

either accept that for now you cant have the kind of relationship you want with your dd. you dont mind your parents raising her. you are working towards having a secure future for her. and accept that. and do the best that you can with the time you have.

or else you have to make some life changes. you guys cant cosleep. that is a big chunk of togetherness time out. so you have to make some changes and either work less or drop a class to have the time with your dd.

but either way mama - stop asking for something you cannot have. you already have your plate really full. dont bring in added stress that is going to make life even more miserable for you.

get your priorities straight. really sit with yourself and see what YOU want out of life. and act upon it.

but you cant go on living with the want and quilt you are living with now. it will take its physical toll on you.

[bonamarq]

You sound really stressed and rightfully so - but here's the catch 22 with young children and stress - they mirror our own. And this makes us even more stressed because they just can't seem to behave well and it becomes a vicious cycle - I agree with the pp and think you need to re-evaluate some things - are 18 credits really necessary (maybe so, in order to get done asap?)

and just like pp, no judgment here, just a dose of reality

oh - and yes, if you can be more specific that might allow us to be more helpful

good luck

remember kiddos really are remarkably resilient and you CAN be the mother you want to be when you can make the time and space for it, even if that can't be right at this exact moment it time