Another "children are visiting" question

[VisionaryMom]

I grew up with the concept that the guest chooses what to play. I have, until recently, passed on that idea to DC. When there's a genuine disagreement (rather than one person just being obstinate about getting his/her way), I have told DC that it's polite to play what our guests want because our toys are new & fun to them.

So...DC stayed with a friend for 2 hours last week. Their son has been at our house often - and will be here tomorrow. DS told me that the other mom said "we're going to let Friend be the guest today." This made my son angry because 1) he knows what guest means and knows that the friend was not, in fact, the guest and 2) he feels that I've wronged him by asking him to let his guests pick the games here when that's not reciprocated.

When the friend comes over tomorrow, do I continue that rule or do I do...something else? I'm not sure what. I generally tell my kids to solve problems between themselves, but said friend tends to need an adult's confirmation to feel comfortable. Do you follow that rule? Something else?

[mtiger]

Different homes have different rules. Your son should be able to understand that your house rules and his friend's house rules do not have to be the same - that doesn't mean you change yoru rules.

[VisionaryMom]

Yeah, but I do get the unfairness of feeling that your friend always gets to picked what's played whether you're at your house or his. I wouldn't want to hang out with people if they always got to pick what we did either, so I'm trying to make this all as agreeable as possible.

[mama2mygirl]

I think I would tell Friend, "My DS is going to be the 'Guest' today. You had your turn yesterday and now it's ds's turn."
In the crunchy community we are in, no one does the whole the guest gets to pick thing. I grew up with that and, at first, I told my dd those were the rules in our house. And then I realized that this totally sucked for her. She didn't get to pick at our house and she didn't get to pick when she was the guest.
Now the "rule" is that everyone plays what they can all agree on.

[Tjej]

I wanted to have my kids let the "guest" choose, but it doesn't work when you are doing afterschool care so their friend is ALWAYS the one choosing. I too just have the kids figure out a way to agree on stuff.

Tjej

[VisionaryMom]

My solution before when there's been a *major* impasse has been to tell them to play what they want. I figure once someone's over enough, s/he knows where everything is. It just seems they always want to pick something that requires another person! I'm not a micro-manager, so I don't really know what to say.

[mammal_mama]

It never occurred to me to have a rule that guests always decide what is played. I've always encouraged the children to listen to one another's ideas and take turns. And I really only intervene if there's a disagreement.

I guess it could be tricky if some parents have a rule that the guest always decides -- but I don't think that means everyone should feel compelled to follow the same rule.

If I found out that this was the rule in the home of one of my children's friends, I would mention that we don't do that when their child plays here, so it's really okay if my child doesn't get the "guest" treatment at their house.

[Alyantavid]

I don't try to control how or what my kids play. As long as all the kids there are being nice and following the basic house rules, I stay out of it.

[Linda on the move]

Is this the child you are babysitting for free who you have trouble saying *no* to the mom?

Let your son say *no,* and tell them that if they can't agree, they need to play separately. Don't let the other kid boss yours around.

I agree with your son that if it isn't recipacated, it doesn't work. It just makes your son a door mat.

(In general I agree that different houses have different rules, but this situation is a little more complex than that. The other mom has said, in effect, *my kid always always gets his way and yours NEVER will.")

[yarngoddess]

I would say to take turns. If "Friend" got to decide last time (regardless of what house they were at) then it's DS's turn. Then Friend again later the day. If this kid is a "regular" playdate/sleep over then you need to encourage them to play fair. If Friend cannot or won't follow that at your house- or insists on always being the controlling one then there would be no more "Friend" at my house

[chaoticzenmom]

These friends of yours are really encouraging your growth as a parent!

[ssh]

We just let our kids play what they want. Most of the time they end up playing together, but sometimes not.

[mamazee]

We don't have any rules about who decides what to play. I don't oversee children playing. They have to figure it out on their own. I will get involved if I hear arguing, but on those occasions I look for compromise instead of saying one child gets to choose. Like once, one wanted to play doctor (not that kind of doctor LOL but with a doctor kit) and one wanted to play animals, so I suggested they play veterinarian.

Now that you've started a rule it's hard to get out of it, though. I still think I'd tell them they have to figure it out on their own and come to some agreement. If they can't, hear what each wants to do and come up with something that works for both of them, or make them take turns.

[mama2mygirl]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

These friends of yours are really encouraging your growth as a parent!

Oh, my word! We have some, um, challenging friends right now. The 8-year-old cries when my dd won't give her her way. The 4-year-old takes toys from my baby and the 4 & 8 year olds freely kick each other. It's been a loooonng week with dh and I figuring out what to do. I am going to say your quote in my head, "These friends...are really encouraging your growth as a parent!" Thanks!