Help!-DH suddenly insisting on weaning

[Wilbur]

I've been reading these forums for a long time, but this is the first time that I've felt that I desperately need advice...
My DS is 23 months old and still nursing regularly. I'm perfectly happy with our nursing relationship, and until recently assumed DH was too- he's always acted proud of it. Then a few weeks ago, I overheard him saying to my SIL that "she (I) am really just still nursing because I miss having a baby, and it's to satisfy my own selfish psychological needs" (whatever that means). I was completely floored to hear this come out of his mouth... I let it go at the time, because we were in the middle of a big trip. Fast forward a few weeks, and he brought it up again- this time, after one of my first days back to work after our trip, I'd just gotten home as DS was waking up from a late, inadequate nap and was cranky. Of course he wanted to nurse. DH says that it's inappropriate that our son continue nursing, it's more for me than him, he needs to wean, and if I'm unwilling to do so, it's proof that I'm inflexible and don't give him a share in the parenting.
Meanwhile, we're going through a lot of other issues (surprise, surprise), but this is the one that is pushing me over the edge. We're on the verge of breaking up, and the thing that seems to be the tipping point for both of us is breastfeeding.
I've tried offering statistics, WHO recommendations, all of that. He doesn't care. He says he might be interested in learning more, but only if he finds the sources himself- he doesn't want me to tell him where to look. Infuriating.
I will be flexible about a lot of things, but I won't go against my instincts and sacrifice my son's time as a nursling to satisfy anyone's uninformed demands, even if it is my partner. I've decided to try to identify the things that I know for sure... I don't know for sure if we're better off staying together or apart; I do know for sure that my son is not ready to wean, and to do so would be detrimental and something I would forever regret.
This is coming at a time when all of a sudden, I've gone from never hearing any criticism of nursing to feeling like I'm constantly judged for nursing a toddler. I don't need or want that attitude in my own home.
Anyway, any advice on getting him to come around would be very much appreciated. Thanks!

[summermommy2004]

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you. I've seen a few posts like this come up on other message boards lately, and it makes me sad.

Frankly though -- I see this as a decision to be made between your DS and yourself. It really doesn't affect your partner (and if he thinks it does, I think it would be interesting to see exactly why he thinks so) and so he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on in telling you that "you need" to wean. Also since your son is very clearly still *asking* to nurse, I'm not really sure how he thinks this is about you and some selfish desire that you have. It always makes me angry when people try to interfere with a perfectly beautiful nursing relationship. It is not doing your DS any harm to continue to nurse and is likely doing him a huge favor. When he's ready to wean, he'll let you know. My DD did not wean herself until she was shortly past 3.5. It just so happened that one day I realized that she hadn't nursed in 5 days and that was that.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and have a long discussion about why he thinks that your DS continuing to nurse affects him. And if he thinks it's having a negative affect on your DS, ask him to explain why he feels that way and then to back it up with good research. If that doesn't shed some light on things for your partner, I'm not really sure what will. Then you just need to decide if continuing to nurse DS is worth the possibility of putting additional strain on your relationship with your partner. (I'm not saying it shouldn't be worth it, just that different people view these situations from different positions -- so only you can make that decision!) I wish you the best of luck. This is a sticky one!

[kittywitty]

I'd tell him to deal with it. Honestly, it's not his choice to make. Have you told him how his lack of support and judgement is making you feel?

[CherryBomb]

Since you first heard negativity from him while he was talking to his sister, I wonder if it's a reaction to criticism from his family? I see that a lot, dad doesn't care until other people start to care. Not that that makes it okay, but it can be hard for dads to deal with, especially if they aren't particularly informed about EBF in the first place.

[yarngoddess]

I think that most of his issues aren't with breastfeeding Seems to me that he's got other things that he's upset about, and all of it's coming out AT bfing. I think you need to talk more and discuss this with him at a time when you two are more calm.

[*MamaJen*]

It sounds like the issue isn't about breastfeeding. It sounds like he's looking for a way to control you.
I can kind of imagine what some other issues might be. Jealousy? Controlling, angry, or disrespectful behavior? A mentality where he turns things around so he's always the victim and everything is about him?
Stand your ground, mama. No one but you can protect your baby. You've tried being rational and offering him scientific information -- he wouldn't listen. I think the next step is telling him it's not up for debate and refusing to discuss it or listen to disrespectful words from him.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by Wilbur

I've tried offering statistics, WHO recommendations, all of that. He doesn't care. He says he might be interested in learning more, but only if he finds the sources himself- he doesn't want me to tell him where to look.

I agree that it sounds like your DH is being jealous or controlling and just using breastfeeding as the issue to focus on. Your DH also doesn't realize how much more time you would spend trying to comfort your DS if you weren't breastfeeding. Have you asked him to provide you with current scientific data that breastfeeding isn't good for toddlers? He did say he was interested. He won't be able to find anything reputable and you should be able to dispute either the data or any sources if he finds something. If he's just trying to be controlling, he may not even do any research. I wouldn't tolerate the negative attitude either. Tell him you will only listen to valid, current data from respected expert sources otherwise the topic is not up for any kind of discussion.

[2xy]

My ex apparently wanted out of the relationship long before it happened, but was too much of a coward to own it. So what he did was suddenly turn into a complete and utter tool, in an attempt to get me to leave him.

However, I only became more concerned with making things work, because I was in the dark about what he was up to. He ultimately left me, anyway. He wrote me a Dear Jane letter.

[peainthepod]

So sorry, mama. I agree with others that this is about much more than nursing your toddler. Personally, unless my DH could come up with a compelling reason I should wean (and by compelling I mean evidence-based and logical), I would kindly but firmly tell him to drop it. Your nursing relationship with your little ones is sacred and deeply personal and no one, not even the children's father, has the right to expect you to arbitrarily end it just because he "says so".

[Storm Bride]

I also agree this isn't really about weaning. For one thing, he's saying really nasty things about the OP. Disagreeing with her about breastfeeding is one thing, but accusing her of doing it to "satisfy her own selfish psychological needs" is something else again. His whole attitude stinks.

In any case, I think the decision to wean is between the mother and the child. I strongly believe parenting should involved both parents, pretty much equally, but breastfeeding isn't about the father.

[listipton]

Hugs mama, we're kind of going through the same thing. My dh hadn't uttered a word in about nursing our 22 month old until right after our vacation with his family. Now I'm being accused of selfishness as well. I know it's not about me, and that these issues are his, but it still hurts to hear it from someone you love (especially when they are so blatantly wrong...). I don't really have any advice other than I told my dh to get over it and we're still nursing. He hasn't made any other comments since, but if it comes up again, I will politely ask that he stop making such comments. He can disagree, but unless he actually does any research on his own and *proves* that we are damaging our ds, he's going to just have to deal with it.

[LCBMAX]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I think the decision to wean is between the mother and the child. I strongly believe parenting should involved both parents, pretty much equally, but breastfeeding isn't about the father.

How about you just take this to heart, really really own this idea. Put it in your milk and your blood and your mind.

Your DH can storm and fuss all he wants (by the way, I wonder what was happening in his life when he was 2) but he doesn't have the power to change this aspect of your relationship with your son.

Any time the conversation comes up, just put it off in some mild manner, and direct the discussion back to things that are really about you two adults.

Something like, "Well, I know you're really concerned about the nursing. I'll keep an open mind. I'm not feeling like I can talk about it calmly right now though. Instead, can we work on this issue of the bills/ sex/ housework/ whatever? I really want us to make some progress and get connected on something. What do you want to say about that issue? I'm ready to listen."

And then really do listen (so pick one that you can listen to!)

But since the bf-ing is really not in his realm, just don't go there with him. That's up to you, you know it, and just like with a toddler, you can redirect to things that really do concern him and you.

But ouch. This sounds so painful. Hugs.

[Wilbur]

Thank for all for your thoughtful responses. I agree that this is about way more than breastfeeding; today, we sat down to talk and the breastfeeding was the only thing he would talk about. At one point he pushed me into saying that I wouldn't have a problem nursing DS at four if he hasn't self weaned by then, and then flew off the handle, nearly spitting with rage, about how that's irresponsible and disgusting, again claimed that this is a symptom of some underlying psychological problem, and made a big show of grabbing the phone book as though he were about to go find a lawyer. He explained that his issue with it is that he believes it is encouraging dependence... I'm still sort of floored by his reaction; this is about, among other things, his inability to end our relationship like an adult; I guess I was wanting to make it into a debate about the benefits of EBF as a way of avoiding the heart of the issue myself, as though the right statistic would sway him and we could move on.
I felt so shocked as he was ranting about this, and then our son woke up from his nap and wanted to nurse, and I realized that the damage has been done, I can't make a home with someone who has this attitude about such an intrinsic part of our daily life. And as I nursed DS, he seemed so peaceful and grateful and like he was getting exactly what he needed. I never thought that I would be having to defend myself about this in my own home...

[Wilbur]

listipton, that's interesting that you're also returning from visiting his family when these issues come up. My DH always claims to take pride in his dissent from cultural norms... until it requires standing out. Are our inlaws openly critical of your choices, or are you just an anomaly to them?
I find it fascinating that people don't bat an eye at pacifiers and blankies, and that feeding small children heavily processed chemical food is considered completely normal, but foster an attachment to a real human being and you're somehow damaging them?
Anyway, hang in there, maybe your DH will move on as time passes after your trip.
I agree with the previous posters that while parenting decisions are generally to be shared, this really isn't about him. How to get that across (when the reaction is, 'sure it is, he's MY son too')??

[ssh]

Originally Posted by Wilbur

He explained that his issue with it is that he believes it is encouraging dependence...

Toddlers are supposed to be dependent. Since they can't survive on their own it's part of their survival instinct. Letting a child self wean and otherwise taking care of their needs in a nurturing manner actually helps the child feel more secure and be able to become independent and emotionally healthy.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

[Wilbur]

Of course! This is the logic underlying the concept of attachment parenting, which up until a few weeks ago he seemed to agree with. He doesn't seem interested in listening to logic, but thank you for that clear and simply phrased explanation of the reasoning, I'll try to phrase it that clearly for him.

[boobs4milk]

i just wanted to say that he IS, imho, a part of the parenting team. if he has issues with full term breastfeeding, then discuss your concerns and feelings with him and give his feelings and concerns equal footing. that doesn't mean you have to wean your ds. it just means that you recognize what he is saying and honestly consider it.

my dh says that 2.5-3 is his absolute threshold of comfort with me nursing our child. i nursed dd3 until 26.5 mos and we were all ready when she weaned. millie is only 10 mos and she will nurse for a while yet but if my dh is uncomfortable, i will have to take his input both as my partner and as her father.

i am divorced from my older children's father. trust me you do NOT want a judge involved in your nursing relationship.

[Smokering]

i just wanted to say that he IS, imho, a part of the parenting team. if he has issues with full term breastfeeding, then discuss your concerns and feelings with him and give his feelings and concerns equal footing. that doesn't mean you have to wean your ds. it just means that you recognize what he is saying and honestly consider it.

The problem with the OP's DH isn't that he wants to contribute an opinion; it's that his opinion isn't fact-based. The OP sounds like she's done her research on the benefits of CLW; the DH sounds like he's ranting based off prejudice, fear of being "different" and unsubstantiated claims about the psychology of CLWers. Why should the OP take an ignorant rant seriously just because it comes from her husband?

My husband and I generally agree on parenting stuff; I do the bulk of the research, give him the Cliff's Notes and he tends to agree. If he disagreed on something I'd ask him to back up his opinion based on evidence. Being my husband wouldn't give him a free pass to be irrational, and I wouldn't make a decision about my child's health and mental wellbeing based on his unsubstantiated opinion. That would be irresponsible.

Wilbur, I'm so sorry about your situation. I'd start documenting your husband's arguments.

[Chloe 777]

I think rather than trying to prove to him that you're not doing anything wrong (trying to prove you're not an elephant), he should be the one that has to prove to you, that you're doing something wrong, or something that's bad for your son. He obviously won't be able to come up with anything logical, and hopefully he'll give up trying.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better.

[listipton]

Originally Posted by Wilbur

listipton, that's interesting that you're also returning from visiting his family when these issues come up. My DH always claims to take pride in his dissent from cultural norms... until it requires standing out. Are our inlaws openly critical of your choices, or are you just an anomaly to them?

The inlaws were respectful of bfing in the beginning (pretty much a 'well that's nice if you can' attitude). They are not the type to walk up to me and tell me they disapprove. I do think they are no longer comfortable with our decision to bf, use slings, etc. as ds gets older and they are openly critical of his long hair (yk the comments, 'hippie', 'girly',etc.). They were skeptical of leaving him intact & they don't know my position on vaxes (and it's none of their business anyway, but they would have BIG objections and no doubt at this point say something to dh). Fortunately, they live 2 hours away, so when we go see them or they come to see us, there is warning and a time to mentally prepare myself not to be bothered, and now to anticipate dh acting like a UAV for a couple of weeks after. It's been almost a month now since our trip and no mention of weaning ds, thank goodness.