Being one of "those" mothers... - Page 6

[campingmumma]

THANK YOU for starting this thread. I usually hang out on the diapering board b/c sometimes I feel not so "AP" -more "mainstream" to post in different forums - I hate the labels too.

This thread has inspired me to stop lurking over here :LOL

I appreciate all the different ways we choose to parent as a community

[dharmama]

Did anyone check out the link I posted? (Just curious because no one commented and I thought it was very appropriate for the discussion.)

Here's the link again I curbed my judgments -or- you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and I'll post the test:

_______

Originally posted by Gr8flmom:

THe other night I was at work in a restaurant and I noticed a young girl (about my age- 23) sitting in a booth at the end of the bar sucking down a cigarette while her baby (in his carseat) sat beside her.

As I began my mental tirade I realized how judgmental and mean I sounded. I also noticed I was scowling. By the time I had gotten my emotions in check she had finished eating and I found myself in that part of the bar once again.

Instead of saying something rude, giving her a dirty look, or even just ignoring her and thinking, "How can people smoke so closely to their precious babies," I just smiled at her and the baby. She smiled back and I inquired about the baby.

She told me he was 6.5 months old and I said, "I know you don't know me or anything, but I was wondering if you would like me to hold him so that you can have an after dinner cigarette."

She said, "That would be wonderful, I really hate smoking around him."

He was a really sweet little fellow weighing as much as my 11 month old. I walked aroung until she finished smoking then I returned him and we talked about our babies. Soon, I found out that she had been hospitalized for 2 weeks when he was a newborn due to post partum psychosis. I have PPD, so that led to another conversation. Also her husband is in jail in PA (we live in NC) and has never met his son. I gave her my # and told her to call me if she ever needed a babysitter or just someone to talk to.

I could have come away from the situation feeling anger, but instead I feel really good about myself and the whole experiance.

____________

This post made me and it seemed to really address some of the issues that we have been talking about.

~Erin

[simonee]

nak

live and let live ladies

someone needs to vent, let her vent
someone needs support, support her
someone writes stuff you don't like, ignore it [or articulate your criticism]
someone wants to finally feel justified in her 'ap checklist' choices, let her

this is a pretty long thread judging those 'judgmental' members. i sometimes read these vents thinking 'wow doesn't she have anything else to worry about' and then the next day i'm totally rooting. sometimes we're all 'those' mothers, sometimes we're all the 'judgmental' posters.

oh and piglet you're one big reality check ma'am

[Changed]

I think that deep down we are all more compassionate women that our posts reflect when we are passionate about something. That's a nice story about the restaraunt. Because without chioce I must do things for My baby that I wouldn't prefer to do( formula feeding ect....) I have to be more open to the idea that other mothers might not be doing what they would rather but what they must. I shudder at the thought that someone sees formula in our diaper bag and thinks that I wasn't determined enough to breastfeed. I have actually had women comment on how bad formula is and how I should have tried harder, that it gets easier..... What they don't know is that for me formula was harder to feed her. I desperatly wanted to breastfeed and was unable to. My daughter couldn't grow on 20 cal breastmilk and now over a year later while I would give anything to breastfeed still she gets high cal formula in a feeding tube every 4 hours. It hurts me and makes me so sad when people say things though. It's not like I don't question myself enough, (could I have tried harder, pumped longer?).

[Piglet68]

Originally posted by simonee
this is a pretty long thread judging those 'judgmental' members...

Yeah. That's kind of how I see it, too.

Now it's bad to call yourself AP b/c it's a "label".

If people think AP is about performing a laundry list of parenting practices, and that you can't "qualify" if you don't do them all, then they are just ignorant of what AP is, so why should I have to justify the term when people insist on misinterpreting it?

JMHO.

[coleslaw]

I found the quote I put in my sig the other day. Although I put it here for me and what I am trying to accomplish personally, I thought it was appropriate to highlight it here.

Peace.

[misfit]

Originally posted by coleslaw
"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves."

Beautiful quote coleslaw. Thanks for finding that.

[CerridwenLorelei]

Again Piglet

I say
You Rock

[aussiemum]

Dharmama, I read your link & I thought it was a great story. I don't know, I guess I personally don't see this particular thread as 'judging the judgers'. I think it's just a chance for some members of these boards to be able to say 'Hey, what someone said really hurt my feelings.' Even if it is Internet land, don't you think people should know that they've hurt someone?

Being judgemental seems to be part of humanity for some reason....... all we can do is try & work on it, right? I mean, if you feel that particular issue needs working on in your life. I know it does in my life. : Heaps.

And Piglet, I most heartily disagree! It is not bad to call yourself AP because it's a label (I think you're being a bit cheeky there!). And I think that this thread is all about not having to justify yourself- to anyone. Not your friends, not your rellies, not your boss, not faceless names on a dotcom board.....

[Kincaid]

I have been "lurking" sporadically on these boards for about a year. Usually I get excited about AP (in waiting for my baby's birth in August), I come and check out the boards, and then I get disgusted with all the judgment and self-aggrandizing that I read.
I think it *does* cause harm to post these "vents" because people come to this site and are driven away by the judgmentalism.
I don't think being secure in yourself makes it all okay... I am very secure, and when I read the judgment threads I think what a yucky karma community MDC is, and I log off fast. There is waaaaaaaay more sniping about what people have seen than there is constructive support or information sharing.
The weirdest thing is that you read all the criticism of moms whose baby is crying in a carseat... and then you see a thread that is 7 pages long on "have you too been reported to child services?" (and all those pages of child services bashing). The irony of that one blew me away!

I have so much respect for the original poster. Thank you for sharing your view.

Also, why not throw this in here too, LOL. WHY does the Queer parenting board seem to be a "hook-up" spot for married/male partnered women whose hubbies have said it is okay to have a chick on the side? It's what 90% of the posts are.... "I have a three month old baby and my husband said I could pursue relationships with women. I would love to meet other people..."
First of all, how in the world do you pull that off with a 3 month old baby that is EBF etc? And isn't attachment parenting about also being attached to your partner? LOL
As an expecting lesbian couple, we just roll our eyes every time we open the "queer parents" thread
Not being judgmental, just pointing out to me what is puzzling

[Tanibani]

Originally posted by Kincaid
I come and check out the boards, and then I get disgusted with all the judgment and self-aggrandizing that I read.
I think it *does* cause harm to post these "vents" because people come to this site and are driven away by the judgmentalism.

Welcome Kincaid. Well, it's A) too bad that people are driven away but B) while some posts are judgemental "I get it." I understand why. (Sometimes, there is no excuse though.) Though for me a handful (probably less than that) get me upset in a month because they are too harsh/judgemental. A vent thread usually doesn't because it's just that - a vent. Just like yours is.

Originally posted by Kincaid
I don't think being secure in yourself makes it all okay... I am very secure, and when I read the judgment threads I think what a yucky karma community MDC is, and I log off fast. There is waaaaaaaay more sniping about what people have seen than there is constructive support or information sharing.

Hmmm, kinda like your post???

I am not Gay, so I don't lurk on the Queer parenting board... I wouldn't know.

But I do visit other boards (because they are relevant to my life) and the information is great! That's why *I* love the MDC community. I focus on the good (the majority is good) and avoid the bad (vent threads... are usually a waste of my time)

In the last 3 weeks, I noticed a thread/poster that really upset me. I chose not to post (and get sucked in) because of time constraints. Does that mean that ALL MDC posters are judgmental and . No, some are on certain issues. But it certainly isn't enough for ME to taint the whole community as judgemental and self-aggrandizing. BUt that's just me.

Originally posted by aussiemum
Dharmama, I read your link & I thought it was a great story. I don't know, I guess I personally don't see this particular thread as 'judging the judgers'. I think it's just a chance for some members of these boards to be able to say 'Hey, what someone said really hurt my feelings.' Even if it is Internet land, don't you think people should know that they've hurt someone?

[Kincaid]

Tanibani,

Of course, I didn't say all MDC'er are judgmental, etc.... don't know how you drew that one.... just that "all of the threads in that vein" make me not want to participate in the community.

Seriously, some day sit down and count threads and see how many are info exchanges and how many are "can you believe this other person, let me describe her so we can all chime in on what she was doing wrong..." threads. I think the ratio speaks for itself.

And my question about the Queer Parents thread, I am really just trying to humourously say where's the lesbian or gay AP'ers (not that partnered people who are pursuing relationships additional to their primary hetersexual one aren't "queer" or whatever). Just where are the two mommy AP'ers? Seriously? We are having a boy, so these two mommies are gonna need help! Of course that is not relevant at all to this thread

[TigerTail]

Some bi mamas have enough trouble finding acceptance in the gay community without being bashed here, too. Fie, for shame! :

If someone is having CPS issues, should they be afraid to post, too?

Good grief.

LOTS of opinions on who should post what. So... if asking the admins to delete negative threads is not an option most wish to pursue, & just ignoring the vents taints your karmic atmosphere anyway, what are people suggesting? Self-policing? (The word 'self' in there implies a certain subtle something...) Shunning (a la lapsed Jehovah's Witnesses) repeat offenders, so when they ask how to get poop stains out of their Fuzzibunz they are on permanent 'ignore'?

Please, be sweet all day long if you choose, I'm not crying out for *more* negativity, but I do rankle at other people deciding (within the bounds of the user agreement, which is pita enough) what I or anyone else should say. If I need to vent, I'm gonna guiltlessly, happily, shamelessly vent.

I would venture the say the number of people choosing to avoid MDC because of other people's vents as their primary issue (check out other boards I am not allowed to mention, if you want nasty & negative) is small indeed.

There is a nice thread y'all have going elsewhere here, way cool, I'll dip in for some serenity when I need it; making a board at EZ Board is an option if you want to have an entirely vent-free home base, but please. Enough posting rules here already.

JMHO, Suse

[Tanibani]

T T T

Originally posted by Kincaid
Of course, I didn't say all MDC'er are judgmental, etc.... don't know how you drew that one.... just that "all of the threads in that vein" make me not want to participate in the community. .

Did you read your first paragraph? You wrote "the boards." And then I was wrong in writing ALL, perhaps you think it's just "most."

Originally posted by Kincaid
Seriously, some day sit down and count threads and see how many are info exchanges and how many are "can you believe this other person, let me describe her so we can all chime in on what she was doing wrong..." threads. I think the ratio speaks for itself.

Why???? would I want to do that? Unless I was out to prove "scientifically" that this was the case. Which I don't really care to. Because as I said, I don't see MDC as a whole as judgemental. I don't focus on that. I focus on the support I get, need, and can give to other like-minded mothers. I generally ignore anything I find that doesn't add value to my life.

I used to post on mainstream parenting board. I liked it. I go back and visit occassionally. There was one particular board that used to make me run in the other direction (WAH vs SAHM) it was particularly nasty and I never bothered to lurk (why put myself through the pain ) let alone, post. Thankfully, that topic was removed. Overall, it's a good, supportive place (sure there are judgemental posts here and there - just like everywhere else) but I prefer MDC.

[Piglet68]

Originally posted by suseyblue
LOTS of opinions on who should post what....

Please, be sweet all day long if you choose, I'm not crying out for *more* negativity, but I do rankle at other people deciding (within the bounds of the user agreement, which is pita enough) what I or anyone else should say. If I need to vent, I'm gonna guiltlessly, happily, shamelessly vent.

I would venture the say the number of people choosing to avoid MDC because of other people's vents as their primary issue (check out other boards I am not allowed to mention, if you want nasty & negative) is small indeed.